Need Advice , Feelings for Close Friend.

[roi34]

I've been good friends with this girl for over 5 years. Of late my feelings have grown stronger and stronger to the point I can't take not letting her know how I feel. Are there any signals to what she is feeling that girls would know to look for? Also she is just starting to see this guy, but it's nothing serious right now. It's really a tough spot, I don't wanna make things awkward, but I also don't what the "what could of been" feeling down the road. I feel that I've seen some signals, and we've increased the time together, and have been having deeper conversations. I'd love for some advice, and if people have been in similar situations that'd be a help to. Especially if you were the girl in the situation.

 

 

Feel free to ask anything, as I can elaborate more on the situation.

 

We are both are in our Mid 20's btw.

[carhill]

Instinct - If you're attracted to her, she knows. Her show of interest in another man signals one of two things:

 

1. She's testing you.

 

2. You are in the friend zone, destined to never exit.

 

My money is on #2.

 

By telling her how you feel, which I do recommend, you risk the friendship. It's not healthy for you to live your life in a state of frustrated attraction. I've done it, longer than you've been alive. Don't be me

[Ronni_W]

Are there any signals to what she is feeling that girls would know to look for?

Sorry - is this a same-sex attraction? If so, I would first want to make sure that the friend and I are on the same page, about that.

 

If it's opposite sex, then what carhill wrote

[carhill]

Missed the lesbian angle. OP didn't state gender. Thanks for the catch

[roi34]

Sorry - is this a same-sex attraction? If so, I would first want to make sure that the friend and I are on the same page, about that.

 

If it's opposite sex, then what carhill wrote

 

I am a male sorry for confusion haha.

 

See I've thought about we are just in the "friend zone" too. But she'll say things to me that seem like that isn't the case. The other she asked why I hadn't gotten drunk and made out with her like I have with a friend or two of hers. She'll make little subtle flirts like, stick a piece of gum in her teeth and say "come and get it" then smile and laugh it off. Things like that make me think other wise, and just the way our Conversations have been lately more geared toward marriage and kids and such. We've had those before but lately we've been spending lots of time together even though she's seeing this other guy, and she seems to want me around more.

 

My friend outside perspective says "to me it seems she wants you, from when the 3 of us hang out together" basically confirming what I think but still with a long term friendship, it's not easy.

[carhill]

OP, you're stable and steady and familiar. That's why she spends time with you. She knows she can count on you. The new guy is an unknown.

 

I've had plenty of platonic (no sexual tension) female friends and they didn't flirt with me like that, even in jest. She knows you're attracted and she's doing a minor ego feed on you.

 

If you don't want to tell her outright how you feel, you could always, without explanation, tell her you're a bit uncomfortable with the new guy in the picture (the dynamic) and want her to have the space to explore this new relationship without feeling any friendly obligation towards you. She'll then need to get her male attention/emotional needs met from the new guy without you as the fallback plan.

 

If her flirting isn't physical, that's how I'd handle it, absent telling her the precise truth of your feelings. If it is physical, flirt back and see what she does.

 

Lastly, when you two say goodbye after an evening/event/visit, etc, how do you do it?

[roi34]

OP, you're stable and steady and familiar. That's why she spends time with you. She knows she can count on you. The new guy is an unknown.

 

I've had plenty of platonic (no sexual tension) female friends and they didn't flirt with me like that, even in jest. She knows you're attracted and she's doing a minor ego feed on you.

 

If you don't want to tell her outright how you feel, you could always, without explanation, tell her you're a bit uncomfortable with the new guy in the picture (the dynamic) and want her to have the space to explore this new relationship without feeling any friendly obligation towards you. She'll then need to get her male attention/emotional needs met from the new guy without you as the fallback plan.

 

If her flirting isn't physical, that's how I'd handle it, absent telling her the precise truth of your feelings. If it is physical, flirt back and see what she does.

 

Lastly, when you two say goodbye after an evening/event/visit, etc, how do you do it?

 

we've never been very touchy feely saying goodbye. We usually just say goodbye and that's all. There has always been a weird kind of air there. She's always looking for guys but never seems to find them how she wants them. She never opens up to guys she see's and sometimes I wonder if its a sign that she subconsciously wants it to fail to leave option open for me to make a move. She never makes a first move first with anyone and I know I'd have to.

[carhill]

OK, up the ante. Next time you say goodbye, hug her and kiss her on the cheek. Tell her you really love having a great friend like her (I'll assume that's true). See what happens. Don't hesitate. Don't talk about it. Do it, look her in the eyes and turn and go.

 

FWIW, I always hugged my female friends goodbye. If they were close enough to be called a true friend, they were close enough to hug

[roi34]

OK, up the ante. Next time you say goodbye, hug her and kiss her on the cheek. Tell her you really love having a great friend like her (I'll assume that's true). See what happens. Don't hesitate. Don't talk about it. Do it, look her in the eyes and turn and go.

 

FWIW, I always hugged my female friends goodbye. If they were close enough to be called a true friend, they were close enough to hug

 

Most my friends that are females I usually kiss on the cheek, as an Italian I was used to that anyway. She's the only one that's really been different. And yes she is probably my best friend, if not one of them especially of the opposite sex. And she considers me the same.

 

I will def follow the advice and do a hug and kiss on the cheek. I guess that what send a signal to her that my interest is there more so then it has been in the past. ??

[roi34]

don't be shy to suggest other things people there seems to be no wrong or right answer when it comes to this situation haha.

[Tony T]

we've never been very touchy feely saying goodbye. We usually just say goodbye and that's all. There has always been a weird kind of air there. She's always looking for guys but never seems to find them how she wants them. She never opens up to guys she see's and sometimes I wonder if its a sign that she subconsciously wants it to fail to leave option open for me to make a move. She never makes a first move first with anyone and I know I'd have to.

 

Don't kid yourself about her feelings for other guys. This lady is clearly using you. A lot of women like to have a really nice stand by just in case all else fails...however, they ALWAYS find someone else. I don't know what you're giving her but it's something she values. Back off. You don't stand a chance. So sorry to inform you of this, I've seen it a thousand times.

[carhill]

Do a search. Lots of threads on this situation.

 

It will be the difference which will send the message. Let her digest that. The context of your conversations will tell you what you want to know, along with her body language, IMO. Then you'll have a decision to make.

 

I risked a friendship and lost it because a combination of my emotions and timing was wrong. Don't be me

[roi34]

Don't kid yourself about her feelings for other guys. This lady is clearly using you. A lot of women like to have a really nice stand by just in case all else fails...however, they ALWAYS find someone else. I don't know what you're giving her but it's something she values. Back off. You don't stand a chance. So sorry to inform you of this, I've seen it a thousand times.

 

I felt like this at first myself, but some of the signals given seem to be way to obvious. Mentioning like doesn't this remind you of you in me in movies where there are couples and such.

 

Another example the other day we were in car, her cell phone was glaring from sun, and she had it on her lap in between her legs. I didn't ask just kind of picked it up and flipped it over. She made a joke comment, then later we were out at the bar, and she suggests shes cold. I in turn say, "well sorry I don't got anything for you, no jacket".. she replies with "why don't you just put ur hand in between my legs again" kind of laughs as she says it, but it was also referenced later in the night again while we were watching a movie..

 

I mean either shes a huge tease, or it's def a test as the other person suggested.

[carhill]

Beware of just enough sexual innuendo to keep you interested. This is an art which females are expert at It takes minimal effort and yields maximum results. It's an extension of wrapping daddy around her little finger with her cuteness when a girl

[roi34]

Little update, convo's have gotten much more toward major signals. I think I'm just gonna tell her and be done with it. Other day she went to wedding, asked me to go out with her afterwards.. She says something to extent of.. Oh "So and so are good for each other and compliment each other really well. They are best friends first and foremost, I guess that'd be ideal" (the couple that got married) Basically a big hint and signal telling me a hint. Then saying isn't it "weird how well we know each other' and then referencing a movie reminding it of us again, about marriage. I mean it can't be more clear am I wrong?

[imagine]

Time to turn Bad Boy...or Bad Roi?

 

Man up..time is short with other guy in the picture. Look at her straight in the eyes, do not waiver..., say something like... "I can't do this any more. I have feelings for you which I want to explore. I can't be just friends with you. I have become jealous of other guys that enter your life and I wont torture myself nor demean myself by standing by. I need you to make a decision."

 

Hand her a red rose with a card that says "for my girl" and signed by you. If she is interested she must take the rose and keep it in a vase at home. if not interested, she must throw the rose away. She must invite you to her house where you will see the flower on display.

 

Don't wait for her to start making an excuse. Turn and leave. Do not reply to text messages other than those of an invite to her house.

 

Lets look at the risk:

1. You are snookered if she sees you as fall back guy or casual friend. Yes! You will always be left-overs.

2. The bolder action shows that you are a man of decision and not desperate or needy.

3. Her esteem takes a knock and she will find that she needs to get your approval.

 

Right now, you are in her pocket. Women like masterful. Not wimps.

[Yamaha]

The fact that it's been 5 years spells friends only. If you want to let her know you like her more than a friend you must do it early when meeting them. Women become comfortable with the friendship and that romantic switch gets turned off. My advice is to back away so your feelings have a chance to wind down and start looking for other women to date.

 

She knows you like her and she is playing with you. Women do this but if you come on to her she will back off and your friendship will probably be over.

I would recommend just turning your friendship into something more casual and concentrate on another gal to date.

[roi34]

Well, I appreciate the advice, I think the people that say we are in the friend zone are just wrong though. I'm bad at telling when it comes to myself when women are interested, but I'd have to be Ray Charles to not see these signals.

 

She ended it with this other guy last night and started asking about what it'd be like if we were together as Hypothetical which is a big hypothetical. I think it's moving toward the relationship side more so then "friends".

 

I think women are complicated and people think they have them figured out but in some cases you just don't know. So for other who are in similar situations keep the faith, whats meant to be will happen.

[carhill]

Yes, women are complex but what they want from you is easily and simply communicated. Don't confuse the message with the messenger

 

There is a fine line between the sincere and the appearance manufactured by the ego feed expert. If she, now or in the past, talking about other men and her existing or prospective relationships with them, you are a girlfriend with a penis. I know because I was one many times over the years, mostly willingly (IOW no romantic interest by me). A woman who is feeling you out for a romantic adventure doesn't tell you about her current conquests and prospective boyfriends.

 

Happy to be wrong in your case, and, if you try my suggestion in a previous post, you'll be able to prove me wrong more quickly

[Yamaha]

Well, I appreciate the advice, I think the people that say we are in the friend zone are just wrong though. I'm bad at telling when it comes to myself when women are interested, but I'd have to be Ray Charles to not see these signals.

 

She ended it with this other guy last night and started asking about what it'd be like if we were together as Hypothetical which is a big hypothetical. I think it's moving toward the relationship side more so then "friends".

 

I think women are complicated and people think they have them figured out but in some cases you just don't know. So for other who are in similar situations keep the faith, whats meant to be will happen.

 

Every guy involved has said the same thing you do, "my situation is different". No, it is not. Carhill said it right; If a women talks to you about another bf, past guys or sex with them you are just friends in her eyes.

 

You might just as well ask her where you stand and see if your friendship will survive. Good luck....

[vanilla87]

She ended it with this other guy last night and started asking about what it'd be like if we were together as Hypothetical which is a big hypothetical. I think it's moving toward the relationship side more so then "friends".

 

I think women are complicated and people think they have them figured out but in some cases you just don't know. So for other who are in similar situations keep the faith, whats meant to be will happen.

 

I think she is testing the waters, maybe in a sense that she is trying to see if there is a possiblity. Now myself as a female, no girl would do this unless she was interested in something more, don't know if it would be just physical or something more, but my guess is that she wants more. Don't jump the gun and call her on it, that is the worst thing you can do, cause she might feel cornered and deny it and feel awkward.

 

Also any girl that flirts doesn't always mean she likes him. But if there is touching involved and what not, then there is something she isn't telling you that she wants from you, I should know, I do it with guys that I'm interested with, more so if I'm friends with one.

 

Also if the vibe says different then what she is saying, because we never speak up when we like a guy, we WANT you to get the hints or clues we drop, whether it be spoken or seen, we don't always come out and say it. So just watch HOW she says things with what she does, that might give it more away.

 

Also if she does the whole flirt with a guy in front of you, she is just trying to get you to notice that she is desirable and wants you to desire her, especially if she mentions a guy to you, its a test or she only sees you as her friend.

 

I hope this helps you out a little.

[roi34]

I think she is testing the waters, maybe in a sense that she is trying to see if there is a possiblity. Now myself as a female, no girl would do this unless she was interested in something more, don't know if it would be just physical or something more, but my guess is that she wants more. Don't jump the gun and call her on it, that is the worst thing you can do, cause she might feel cornered and deny it and feel awkward.

 

Also any girl that flirts doesn't always mean she likes him. But if there is touching involved and what not, then there is something she isn't telling you that she wants from you, I should know, I do it with guys that I'm interested with, more so if I'm friends with one.

 

Also if the vibe says different then what she is saying, because we never speak up when we like a guy, we WANT you to get the hints or clues we drop, whether it be spoken or seen, we don't always come out and say it. So just watch HOW she says things with what she does, that might give it more away.

 

Also if she does the whole flirt with a guy in front of you, she is just trying to get you to notice that she is desirable and wants you to desire her, especially if she mentions a guy to you, its a test or she only sees you as her friend.

 

I hope this helps you out a little.

 

 

Yes, more so then some of the other advice, because i was picking up on those "signals, and flirts" like you said as somethign more then what she used to do.

 

We finally had a talk, as I took it slow like u said, and not calling her on it. She seems to feel the same, and we feel that its worth the risk as we both wanna try something further. I mean we just chatted about it lightly but it seems to be there. She said she realized it and started to think about it when she started seeing me less when she got involved with other guy. Hence why she broke it off with him, and now hangs out with me more.

[vanilla87]

Yes, more so then some of the other advice, because i was picking up on those "signals, and flirts" like you said as somethign more then what she used to do.

 

We finally had a talk, as I took it slow like u said, and not calling her on it. She seems to feel the same, and we feel that its worth the risk as we both wanna try something further. I mean we just chatted about it lightly but it seems to be there. She said she realized it and started to think about it when she started seeing me less when she got involved with other guy. Hence why she broke it off with him, and now hangs out with me more.

 

Thats great! For you guys progressing, but not her breaking up because of her feelings for you, but thats besides the point.

 

Just let what is happening run its course, don't force any of it. She seems like the type of girl that likes commitment, but doesn't want to rush into it, so if you play your cards right she will be able to bring up the topic of what you DO want to official talk about.

 

Just lightly talking about it, your probably wondering if she will ever, right? she will, just that she is nervous about an actual date with you, because you guys have never been more then just friends, so the idea of advance is pleasant but is nerve wrecking to her, not in a bad way.

 

Just that put yourself in her shoes for a moment, it might help you get the perspective on why she is delaying the conversation.

 

I wish you guys luck and have fun!

[roi34]

Thats great! For you guys progressing, but not her breaking up because of her feelings for you, but thats besides the point.

 

Just let what is happening run its course, don't force any of it. She seems like the type of girl that likes commitment, but doesn't want to rush into it, so if you play your cards right she will be able to bring up the topic of what you DO want to official talk about.

 

Just lightly talking about it, your probably wondering if she will ever, right? she will, just that she is nervous about an actual date with you, because you guys have never been more then just friends, so the idea of advance is pleasant but is nerve wrecking to her, not in a bad way.

 

Just that put yourself in her shoes for a moment, it might help you get the perspective on why she is delaying the conversation.

 

I wish you guys luck and have fun!

 

Glad to know I'm doing the right thing then.. We've lightly chatted about it, but nothing serious.. just kinda of letting each other know the thought is there, and what not. We've been planning more stuff as if we were dating, not that we haven't in the past, but more so relationship type of stuff. I've still been kinda taking it slow with things, not pushing to hard. I do think the time for a Conversation is nearing more and more though. I think if things go unsaid without a official talk that it will be a bad sign from me to her. So I figure next time we're hanging out 1 on 1 I'll mention it and tell her my side. Thx for thoughts on the matter and you seem to be right.

[Mary3]

Instinct - If you're attracted to her, she knows. Her show of interest in another man signals one of two things:

 

1. She's testing you.

 

2. You are in the friend zone, destined to never exit.

 

My money is on #2.

 

By telling her how you feel, which I do recommend, you risk the friendship. It's not healthy for you to live your life in a state of frustrated attraction. I've done it, longer than you've been alive. Don't be me

 

I will stop at this thread and say I agree with Carhill ! Its very true. If you have been her buddy for 5 years...well then....you are just her buddy ,...