I Cheated Today

[shadowplay]

Ifeelbad, please talk to a professional about what happened. You won't get solid unbiased advice in the cheater forum. You need someone who isn't going to judge you or push you into the mud for this.

 

Good luck. For what it's worth... I think you trusted the wrong guy, but your culpibility for what happened ended there. You weren't responsible for him raping you.

 

Best advice in this thread.

[verve]

Not really, although the advice on here may be quite tough, I wouldn't say it isn't especially biased. Most people would give you similar advice to that which as been offered in this thread. Lets face it, most people walking this planet have relationship experience, have been cheated on, have similar views.

 

You could choose not to tell your husband of your infidelity although you will then have to live a lie and live with that guilt. Plus there is the chance he could find out from somebody else which would make it even worse finding out that way.

 

This alcholol debate aside (I think alcohol can lower inhibitions although it doesn't make you cheat), I'd personally say you should tell him and deal with the consequences. You obviously aren't happy or you wouldn't have gone with this other guy. Like other people in this thread have said, there must have been numerous chances to stop this but you only stopped it at that late stage. Granted you never completed the act with him but you were as good as there.

 

Confess to your husband and beg for his forgiveness. If you two are strong you can work at it, perhaps with the help of marriage counselling.

[bish]

I feel horrible but I cheated on my husband of 5 years. I have never cheated before nor ever will again.

 

If you cheated once, you can again. And if you continue the same patterns of fraternizing(drinking, going to bars..etc) that were condusive to cheating, then you WILL do it again.

 

It is in your character, drinking just helped you do it.

 

 

But today, I got pressured and was drinking and .... I did realize immediately what what happening and stopped it. But he did go inside me for a second.

 

huh? The timing of WHEN you realized what was happening boggles my mind. You should have realized what was happening as the panties were coming off. hell, you should have realized when any kind of physical contact was being made.

 

You mean you were making out, clothes came off...and only AFTER he entered you that you realized you were cheating?? I don't buy it.

 

 

The guy was a really good friend that I knew liked me but I have always made it very clear I was married.

 

If he is a "good friend", then he already KNEW you were married...right? why would you have to make it clear?

 

sorry, something isn't kosher about the way you are telling this story.

 

What do I do! I have never done anything like this before and will never again.

 

What do you do? Stop going out drinking without your husband.

 

If you do, then you can and will do it again.

 

Oh, and tell your husband what happened. Because if this is a "good friend", don't think your husband will never find out.

 

But again, something fishy about the way you told this story.

[bish]

Actually no drinking problem...the opposite. I do not drink and "my friend" egged me on. I explained that I have not had a drink in over 2 years and he ordered one for me.

 

Just one? Drunk after one drink?

 

Must have been more than one since you blamed it on drinking.

[bish]

Here's a how it happened. I have know this guy and am also friends with his sister. She was at his house and he called me over to watch a movie since he knew I was off from work.

 

So when another guy calls up for you to come over and watch a movie, you go? you are married. methinks you knew what was gonna happen.

 

 

I came over and he offered crown and coke. Knowing that I do not drink I said no. They insisted and I gave in thinking I was just going to sip. (I did not sip) I am also 5'3 and lbs. I am a small girl so it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went to the restroom upstairs in the guest bedroom. I did not want them to hear me puke.

 

Even at 5'3, one crown and coke isn't gonna impair you so much that you didn't know what you were doing. And one drink is FAR from going to get you to the point that you need to throw up. Only way is if were more than 12ounces and only 20% of it was coke. Sorry, I'm not buying it.

 

 

Not feeling so hot, I laid down in the guest room. Not his bedroom! I must have fallen asleep and soon realized that he was next to me rubbing on my back asking if I was OK as he was laying next to me. I was in and out. Soon he was on top and inside. Not to say too much on this forum but he must have stroked me twice before I stopped it and left.

 

Either 2 things are true here with that scenario:

 

1) You knew what he was doing and let him do it.

 

or

 

2) He raped you.

 

Which is it?

 

 

Regarding the post of foreplay, there was not much and I had on a dress so not much to remove.[/qutoe]

 

A guy asks a married woman over to watch a movie, and she puts the dog on by wearing a "dress"? sounds like you wanted to provide him easy access just in case.

 

 

I can not believe I was such an idiot and ruined my marriage. Also, please stop with the name calling. I might be lame but just need some advise on what to do!

 

T

 

Well if your husband knows this guy and the mutual circle of friends, then you better tell your husband. First because you can't be sure it will never get back to your husband in a situation like this, and secondly, like someone else said, your husband deserves the courtesy of being informed so he can make a decision whether to forgive you or get rid of you.

 

And if you continue being "friends" with this guy and hanging out with him without your husband, then you don't care about your husband and just need to get a divorce.

 

But here are the facts. Guy calls married woman over to "watch a movie". Women goes over in a dress withouth her husband, has a stiff drink and finds the guy all of a sudden "in her".

 

At the very least you need to cut off all relations with this other guy because he no longer is simply your "friend" and, as you described it, raped you. If he didn't rape you, then that means you willingly did what you did. So either this was consentual, or it was rape.

[bish]

To be fair to previous posters, if you read the original post NOTHING was mentioned about her being passed out, or drugged OR raped............ that conveniently came later

 

You can't blame us for being cynical

 

Exactly, thats why everything she says seems fishy.

[bish]

Whatever the reason, this guy should not have done what he did.

 

He didn't do it by himself. Takes two to tango.

 

 

It's not really important but I'm sure you realize that once you tell your husband about this, your friendship with this guy is over forever.

 

As it should be.

[bish]

That is a likely possibility. Once you cross that invisible moral line, it's all too easy to cross again. It's not so much about what kind of person would cheat, but how much easier it becomes once you've already defiled the relationship in your heart.

 

Don't tell your husband. Just make sure you never the same mistake.

 

And in my experience I can tell you she SHOULD tell her husband.

 

My xW kept her secret from me and I found out years later. And I resented her for robbing more than 8 years of my life that I will never get back. And since this was a so-called "friend", don't think this won't EVER get back to her husband.

 

the only reason to not tell is for the cheater's own selfishness.

[Angel1111]

If you cheated once, you can again.

 

Just as a sidenote, unless someone is a serial cheater, from what I've seen and heard, if a person cheats once and their spouse finds out, a lot of the time the cheater is usually so horrified at how much pain they have caused another person, they wouldn't dream of cheating again.

[whichwayisup]

My concern is, why her friend, LEFT and went home KNOWING that she wasn't feeling well, threw up and went to rest upstairs in the guest room. Why didn't SHE check on her friend? I would NEVER leave a friend, whom I invited to my brothers house, alone with my bro in that state, reguardless if she was married or not. And, it wasn't just the brother pushing for her to drink, it was HER friend as well.

[bish]

Just as a sidenote, unless someone is a serial cheater, from what I've seen and heard, if a person cheats once and their spouse finds out, a lot of the time the cheater is usually so horrified at how much pain they have caused another person, they wouldn't dream of cheating again.

 

Which is exactly why I advise telling the spouse. If there is any hope for a cheater, of which I am a huge skeptic, then facing the consequences of losing a spouse or so-called "loved" one will give them the well needed kick in the arse to make an honest person out of them with regards to saying, "I'll never cheat again".

 

However, I don't think it has anything to do, with most cheaters, that they are horrified how much pain they caused their spouse....it is the horror of being caught and the horror of what they will lose, which doesn't always mean the loss of the spouse themselves, but their comfortable situations...home, family...etc.

[Angel1111]

He didn't do it by himself. Takes two to tango.

 

She added information to her story that changes things quite a bit - you might not have seen it (and probably won't believe it), but I'm going to assume she's just really confused right now and give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Anyway, this is a guy she has known since she was 16. Plus, his sister was with her at his house. For people I have known that long, my guard would be down and it wouldn't be at all odd to be there with him and his sister.

 

I don't think he drugged her drink, but yes, women can get drunk on one drink. It happens. I do think he took advantage of the situation and he should've known better. I'm not sure I'd qualify it as rape, either, but it is a fine line. I think I'd tell my husband, sever the friendship with the guy, and leave it at that. Hopefully, everyone will have learned something.

[Angel1111]

Which is exactly why I advise telling the spouse. If there is any hope for a cheater, of which I am a huge skeptic, then facing the consequences of losing a spouse or so-called "loved" one will give them the well needed kick in the arse to make an honest person out of them with regards to saying, "I'll never cheat again".

 

However, I don't think it has anything to do, with most cheaters, that they are horrified how much pain they caused their spouse....it is the horror of being caught and the horror of what they will lose, which doesn't always mean the loss of the spouse themselves, but their comfortable situations...home, family...etc.

 

Yeah, you probably know more about it than I do, so I don't doubt what you're saying. I just know that I've heard people say that they were so totally blown away by how much they hurt their spouse that they'd never go down that road again. I just think it's misleading to lump everybody in one group because there are usually a lot of variations.

[orangesean]

I think one thing everyone needs to agree on from reading this thread is that you are all making assumptions one way or another.

 

The main problem is that ifeelbad is not really communicating what happened effectively at all. All of her posts lack description and she has not directly answered very important questions on why she was in this situation in the first place, why she did not stop him sooner, and whether or not this truly was a case of rape. The fact that she's texting someone after he may have raped her is a little bit off.

 

I'm hoping (I know this sounds bad) this was a case of attempted rape and not cheating because the husband will completely understand case, and they will not ruin their 4 year old son's life and divorce or lost all trust and intimacy.

 

I was really upset to learn in later posts that there is a son involved with all of this so I really hope for his benefit this all works out alright and was not intentional or malicious.

[lkjh]

This seems like a fake post because one post said he ordered a drink for her and the later one says that he made her one at his house. The stories aren't even the same

[bish]

She added information to her story that changes things quite a bit - you might not have seen it (and probably won't believe it), but I'm going to assume she's just really confused right now and give her the benefit of the doubt.

 

Yes, I read her addition to the story...an addition that was conveniently omitted in the first post.

 

Still doesn't jive with me. She goes to a guy's place that likes her, without her husband, is wearing a dress of all things for easy access, gets drunk when she says she rarely drinks. she said in her first post it took him being inside of her for a few seconds to realize what was going on...meaning, to me, that she was aware of what was going on, but then when penetration was realized a light bulb went off inside of her head.

 

Her addition to the story claims she was passed out all the way UNTIL he entered her. Sorry, I don't believe it.

 

 

Anyway, this is a guy she has known since she was 16. Plus, his sister was with her at his house. For people I have known that long, my guard would be down and it wouldn't be at all odd to be there with him and his sister.

 

this was a guy that she KNEW had designs on her. Hence it was totally inappropriate and disrespectful to her husband to be going to his place without him. and it sounds like she put on the dog for him. Who wears a dress to watch a movie? She doesn't have a pair of jeans or shorts?

 

She knew what she was doing when she went over there like that.

 

 

[qutoe]I don't think he drugged her drink

 

 

Neither do I

 

 

but yes, women can get drunk on one drink. It happens. I do think he took advantage of the situation and he should've known better. I'm not sure I'd qualify it as rape, either, but it is a fine line.

 

I don't qualify it as rape either. I said there are two scenarios, either she knew what he was doing, or she was lying there helpless and it was rape.

 

It was one or the other and I asked her to clarify which it was.

 

 

I think I'd tell my husband, sever the friendship with the guy, and leave it at that. Hopefully, everyone will have learned something.

 

that is a logical path, she would do well to listen to, and implement, that advice.

[bish]

I think one thing everyone needs to agree on from reading this thread is that you are all making assumptions one way or another.

 

when someones story doesn't jive and there is a bit of flip flop going on, assumptions are all you have.

 

 

The main problem is that ifeelbad is not really communicating what happened effectively at all. All of her posts lack description and she has not directly answered very important questions on why she was in this situation in the first place, why she did not stop him sooner, and whether or not this truly was a case of rape. The fact that she's texting someone after he may have raped her is a little bit off.

 

More than a little bit off, thats why I rule out rape in favor of her knowing what she was doing. Being drunk isn't an excuse. Actually drinking brings out that in people which they otherwise do not have the guts to do when sober.

 

 

I'm hoping (I know this sounds bad) this was a case of attempted rape and not cheating because the husband will completely understand case, and they will not ruin their 4 year old son's life and divorce or lost all trust and intimacy.

 

 

If their 4 year old son's life is ruined, there is no "they" to it. It will be ruined because of what SHE did.

 

I was really upset to learn in later posts that there is a son involved with all of this so I really hope for his benefit this all works out alright and was not intentional or malicious.

 

With a son at home, then she definitely had no business leaving the husband at home to serve as her babysitter while she went to a man's house, in easy access clothing, that has a thing for her.

[bish]

This seems like a fake post because one post said he ordered a drink for her and the later one says that he made her one at his house. The stories aren't even the same

 

wow, I totally missed that!!

[Event Horizon]

If you were drugged and raped you should contact the police immediately.

 

That won't happen though because the police aren't as naive and full of hatred of men as some of the posters in this thread are.

 

You should just stick with your very first sentence:

 

I CHEATED TODAY

 

 

 

E..H

[Lookingforward]

Now wearing a dress is an invitation ? What next ?

[Trialbyfire]

Actually no drinking problem...the opposite. I do not drink and "my friend" egged me on. I explained that I have not had a drink in over 2 years and he ordered one for me.

 

Here's a how it happened. I have know this guy and am also friends with his sister. She was at his house and he called me over to watch a movie since he knew I was off from work. I came over and he offered crown and coke. Knowing that I do not drink I said no. They insisted and I gave in thinking I was just going to sip. (I did not sip) I am also 5'3 and lbs. I am a small girl so it hit me like a ton of bricks. I went to the restroom upstairs in the guest bedroom. I did not want them to hear me puke. Not feeling so hot, I laid down in the guest room. Not his bedroom! I must have fallen asleep and soon realized that he was next to me rubbing on my back asking if I was OK as he was laying next to me. I was in and out. Soon he was on top and inside. Not to say too much on this forum but he must have stroked me twice before I stopped it and left.

 

Regarding the post of foreplay, there was not much and I had on a dress so not much to remove. Regarding the post asking why I was hanging out with a guy that I knew liked me. Because I had know him since before my marriage and I have always been very clear about my feeling toward him and that I only viewed him as a friend.

 

I can not believe I was such an idiot and ruined my marriage. Also, please stop with the name calling. I might be lame but just need some advise on what to do!

 

T

 

This seems like a fake post because one post said he ordered a drink for her and the later one says that he made her one at his house. The stories aren't even the same

Good catch!

[Event Horizon]

The dress has nothing to do with this.

 

Bish is right on: she did drunk what she's always wanted to do sober.

 

 

E..H

[Lookingforward]

The dress has nothing to do with this.

 

Bish is right on: she did drunk what she's always wanted to do sober.

 

 

E..H

 

 

you're right - so why bring it up ? I'm more interested in why, if it went down the way she says later, the OP calls this "cheating"

[Event Horizon]

I didn't, the OP did:

 

Regarding the post of foreplay, there was not much and I had on a dress so not much to remove.

T

 

EDIT: I agree with your added comments, LF.

 

E..H

[Event Horizon]

What I would like to know is why so many posters changed their opinion of this whole thing now that you've found inconsistencies in the story.

 

I knew it was bull regardless.

 

She's running this crap by us to see how quick we buy it so she can try and sell it to the people in her life.

 

My guess is she's scared the beans are going to get spilled one way or the other and she wants to be ready.

 

E..H