I fear that I have lost my best friend in the world

[HereKittyKitty]

I knew that my best friend's boyfriend was cheating on her and it really pissed me off so I decided to catch him in the act with a video camera and show the evidence to my friend. By doing this, i thought I was being a good friend and she would appreciate it. So I waited one night outside where he works with my camera and him and his "mistress" walked out and stood by his car and talked for a little bit and then kissed very passionatley. I got it on camera. When I showed it to my friend, she just got pissed and said I was just jealous and a bunch of other stuff. Now she won't speak to me. I don't know if she broke up with him or not. But I don't know why she is mad at me, I was trying to help her!

[Tony T]

Most of the time, it's best to stay out of this sort of thing. I do think you should have mentioned something to your friend about what you have observed. However, going out of the way to put this on video tape was kind of cruel. It's one thing to hear about it, another to see it on tape. Different people respond to this sort of thing in different ways. She decided to get angry at the messenger. Some people just can't handle learning this kind of information and being presented with video proof makes it all the more difficult to live in denial.

 

Stay away from this friend for a while. Perhaps in time she will appreciate what you did. For now, she's got a lot of deal with and you're not up high on that list.

[longlegzs80]

I don;t know if I am correct but I am going to give this a good stabe in the dark. I don;t blame her with being pissed off. You think she wants to hear that her boyfriend is cheating and then see it on tape. This is going to be really hard for her to take. If I were you, I would lay low, and just tell her if she needs someone to talk to that you are here for her.

 

AS far as the video tape, I would distroy it. I really don;t think anyone wants to see their boyfriend being with another women intimitaly. I think your friend needs time to let all this absorb, so just let her know that you are here for her, and don't go around and follow her boyfriend to get some evidence that he is cheating. This is a situation where she needs to confront her boyfriend, and if he does not confess and admit he has been having relations, then maybe if you did not destroy the tape, to give it to her to show him. But as far as your position, you need to back off. Let them handle whatever problems are going on themselves and make sure she knows that your here for here. Take care and hope this helps.

[Paul]

I'm curious why you chose to video tape their secret encounters instead of just relaying the information verbally to your friend? What was there to gain by having photographic evidence? Does your best friend not trust you?

[midori]

I think part of the problem might be that in presenting your irrefutable proof, you narrowed her options. It's one thing to be told, "you know, I've heard that your boyfriend is cheating on you," or even "I've seen your boyfriend with another woman." Not nice to hear, but with the information in hand she could have dealt with the situation in a few different ways: dump him, ask him and not believe him if he denies it (and then possibly dump him), ask him and get the truth from him (and then maybe work things out, or break up), or ask him and believe him if he denies it (blindly staying in the relationship).

 

Your videotape means she can't really turn a blind eye to what's going on, if she's so inclined. For all you know, she already knew about it, or suspected, and had a plan of action already in place. But now that you know, and have basically shoved her face in the infidelity, how can she negotiate things with him? How can she do anything but confront him with the tape and what she knows to be true? How can she look you in the face if she chooses to stay with him -- whether or not he stops cheating?

 

You meant well, obviously. But you took it as a foregone conclusion that she would naturally want to dump him once she saw what was going on. You were perhaps mistaken in assuming that a) she didn't already know what was going on, and/or b) she would want to get rid of him if she knew he was cheating. You failed to consider that her feelings for this guy complicate things so that they're not so straightforward.

 

It's also possible that you have overlooked a glitch in your friendship. Your friend accused you of jealousy. Perhaps she was just speaking in anger. But you might want to think about whether there's some truth to that. Do you have a boyfriend? Is it unusual for your friend to have a boyfriend? Have you felt like she's been spending less time with you since she started seeing him? You might want to think about that.

 

Anyway, I agree with what the others have said: lie low. You could send her a note apologizing for interfering in her relationship. But give her time and space to recover her pride, heal her hurt, and see that you were only trying to help.

[superd]

midori, who really gains from believing in a lie? Why waste more time, you have the proof that he did what he did, why do you want to drag it out into some sick, twisted game.

 

HereKittykitty, i believe that you really wanted to help and if she doesn't forgive you for making the tape then forget about her because real friends forgive each other. She has no proof that you did that out of jealousy, nor will she ever, if anything you are probably more of a true friend to her than anybody else is. On the flip side, like another poster said, you have to be careful not to stick your neck out too far for some people or they just might try to chop it off.

[my_mother's_daughter]

I think you should have broached it with her first before launching the gung ho Ricki Lake "Cheating Lovers Revealed" style smack in the face. We all know that when bad news arrives, the messenger always gets it in the neck, so for future reference, it's good that you care about your friends, but consider their feelings and go for a more softly-softly approach next time you know you must reveal a hurtful truth. And make sure you're sure.

[midori]

It's not about who gains from believing a lie. It's simply not as black and white as that. Not sure what you mean by "dragging it out in a sick, twisted game."

 

Herekittykitty is wondering why her friend got angry with her for providing evidence of her bf's infidelity. We who are not involved in the relationship can easily say, "better to know than to remain ignorant of the facts." And one supposes that Herekittykitty thought the same. But that's obviously not how her friend saw it. If knowing that she did the right thing and that her intentions were good was all the satisfaction Herekittykitty needed, she wouldn't be upset by her friend's anger.

 

People who interfere in others' relationships, even with the best of intentions, often find that they are off-base, have miscalculated, or just don't understand where one or both parties are coming from. There's a difference between alerting a friend to her bf's infidelity and forcing her to acknowledge it by producing video proof. The difference is that in the former the concerned friend is sharing information but allowing the final interpretation and decision to rest with her friend. That's not possible with the latter. Herekittykitty's friend has no way to salvage her relationship with the bf AND maintain her dignity vis a vis Herekittykitty. Her hand has been forced and she has, for the time being, chosen her boyfriend.

 

One hopes that in time she will recognize that Herekittykitty meant no harm and was only trying to be a good friend. But some people have a very hard time dealing with people when they've been made to look foolish.