Boyfriend or Family - Do I have to choose?

[LauraB]

My family hasn't liked my boyfriend since the day they knew I was going out with him. He's a really great guy, but to them he seems like a devil. He's been in a little trouble with the law and he has some peircings and tattoos and he used to be into drugs, but now he has totally changed. He's really a great guy and got his mind on the right track now. he is even thinking about going back to school. Well, my family forbid me to see him, so I moved out. I am living with him now ( him and a friend of his, they share and apartment) and my parents won't speak to me until I agree to come home and leave him, which I refuse to do. I love him a lot, but my family means so much to me. I can't imagine them being out of my life. But I can't imagine my BF being out of my life either. I am just really distraught. Someone please help me and tell me what to do!

[yes]

how old are you? how much schooling have you done?

 

-yes

[jalexy]

if your parents are as smart as mine, i would leave him. they could be right

[Tony T]

Your parents have been there for you all your life and will continue to be there for you until they die. This boyfriend is a flash in the pan. It's tragic that, if he really has changed, you had to disclose his history to them and screw things all up...or did the piercings do it all by themselves?

 

Your loyalty should go to your parents, at least until you are 21 or able to live on your own. Remember, when this guy's had enough or gets pissed at you and kicks you out, you will be out on the street and knocking on your parent's door.

[my_mother's_daughter]

but I also believe that people can change, and I defend their right to attempt to change for the better and not be discriminated against totally for past behaviour. Having said that, it does worry me that if your bf wishes to change and exhibit a more responsible adult side, why has he himself not advised that you return to your parents to talk this over? Because in my opinion, this would be the best thing for him to do, for your wellbeing (knowing how close you are to your family and how important they are to you) and for his own sake with regards to your parents opinion of him.

[superd]

I don't see it is a big deal that you are living with him. Maybe you parents are afraid you are going to get pregnant before you are really ready for that kind of thing. Also, maybe they are worried that being around him or his friends may mean that you will come into contact with drugs, so if you are really responsible you will refuse to do drugs of any kind regardless of who has them or is using them. If you live a straight life, your parents have no reason to distrust you and they are in the wrong. Maybe you need a break from them. I didn't think you should send your bf into the lion's den to discuss things with them. They obviously don't accept him, they will definitely not accept his opinion on the matter. That could become a dangerous situation. Tell your parents you are happy with your bf, you need space from them and that you are not going to do anything harmful or illegal that will hurt you either now or in the long run. If they can't respect that, they don't respect you and your on your own anyway.

[my_mother's_daughter]

I wasn't suggesting he accompany you to your parents house, I meant that he should encourage YOU to go and talk to them. superd has misunderstood me, however the final point about what to say when you do speak to them, is spot on.

[turtle]

How old are you?

 

Anyways, it's true that your parents love you and want the best for you. However, they are dealing with this situation the wrong way. If they don't like the guy or think that you are making a mistake, they should try to open up more to you. Outright forbidding you to see him only leads to you rebelling against them.

 

I would be skeptical about living with the guy. Why don't you try finding some girl roommates and living with them for awhile? You would be on your own and not dependent on your parents or your boyfriend. If you can get 2 or 3 girls together you could rent a 3 or 4 bedroom apartment and it would propably be affordable.

 

 

Your parents have been there for you all your life and will continue to be there for you until they die

Tony: some parents aren't there for their children...there's so many broken homes out there and selfish parents

[hunter]

Take it from someone who has been there

 

I too had a b/f that my family warned me and warned me about to no end

I think part of the reason that I stayed with him is because they hated him

 

To make a long story short

My family was right

Family is first and must remain that way

Had I listened to my family I would not have made so many mistakes that will be with me for the rest of my life to haunt me

 

 

Best of luck to you

 

Or else get a dog

[guest]

I can relate to your boyfriend/family problems. I come from a very european family who expects me to marry someone from the same background. For the past two and half years, I have been dating a hispanic guy and althought we've had our ups and downs, we love each other deeply and can't imagine living without the person. That being said, my parents have never met him because he is not of the same background as me and feel that the relationship is doomed for failure. The relationship is getting very serious now and I have made that clear to my parents. They told me that if I choose to marry him, then I will be disowned and they will never speak to me again.

 

I feel destroyed. I have always been so close to my parents, and now they are exiling me for not being with their ideal guy.

 

I have two sisters who both readily accept him and care for him. We still continue to be close, and although they disagree with my parents, they really dont want to get involved. The differences in culture don't feel that significant to me because he is so interested in learning about my background, as I am interested in his. He is an intelligent, good man who is in graduate school who has come a long way to get to where he is. How can my parents say they know what is best for me when they haven't even met him? Is it true that the relationship is doomed if we come from different cultures? If anyone has any advice to offer I would greatly appreciate it.

 

Thank you.

[NYQT79]

Hey, the posting I read on top about your parents hating your hispanic BF is as if I wrote it. I have been with a Latino man for a while and I am of European descent. I decided to stand up for myself and tell my folks last week. I have been living in hell since. They have brought over everybody and their mother to convince me that I am making a mistake. Their friends come over into the living room to lecture me, every time the doorbell rings they have someone coming over as if I have adrug problem or something. THey dont' even know him-he is cultured, intelligent, amibitious, polite, religious, good values etc. But they are racist. They told me to either break up or move out.

[NYQT79]

Hey, the posting I read on top about your parents hating your hispanic BF is as if I wrote it. I have been with a Latino man for a while and I am of European descent. I decided to stand up for myself and tell my folks last week. I have been living in hell since. They have brought over everybody and their mother to convince me that I am making a mistake. Their friends come over into the living room to lecture me, every time the doorbell rings they have someone coming over as if I have adrug problem or something. THey dont' even know him-he is cultured, intelligent, amibitious, polite, religious, good values etc. But they are racist. They told me to either break up or move out.

CONTINTUED- accidentally pressed enter before. Anyway, my dad even put my stuff in plastic bags to throw me out of the house. I had such a nervous breakdown that I was screaming and hitting things the other day, shaking, unable to breathe. I hate the ****in control. I want to be with this man, but they said they will never speak to me, him, or our kids if we ever got married. They threaten me that they will sell the house here and move back to Europe to lose contact with me for good. Isn't this extreme? THey are sick. Anyway, I don't want to break up, we really care about each other. I feel hopeless and helpless, I hope you can reply to me, I know you posted yours up a long time ago.

Devasted:(

[sarah12]

I have been through it also, but I think it all comes down to how much you love the person and your ability to take the risk, and knowing your limits. By this, I mean that if you truly love the person and know that you cannot live without them, then naturally, you will be strong enough to stand up to your parents, pick up and leave. You have to show them your independence, (you must also be financially independent from them!) and show them that you know better. If you don't, this will be the biggest regret of your entire life, because not only will you have lost your love, you are showing your parents that you are weak, that they can control you for some time to come. Sometimes children have to teach their parents and I forget who it was that said this, but it's the business of grown children to seek independence from their parents, and the responsibility of parents not to turn it into a crisis. When things don't work this way, well it may be sensible to pick up and go, and give the family time to realize the mistake they made in not accepting your significant other. It's just like when people break up, and one person is hurt, they need time to think and grieve and get over the break up, so that perhaps they can be friends with the person again.

 

Guidette - it is true that family is always there..but that is until some point in time...they will pass on, and at that time, you may be wondering about the one that got away because you could not stand up to them. Although, as I said above, I believe that if you let someone go, it may not have been meant to be.

[memyself]

well all your advice is thought provoking

[memyself]

well now here is a nightmare to you girls I am a mom your thoughts seem reasonable you girls realy are drawn by these guys so here is one for you

time line:

Had great closeness with daughter

she lived with me always got advice from me

asked about dating guy who was 27 she was 19

i said its not good idea

she turns on me hatful tome

very mean to me

betrays me and family to others

i meet guy change mind

they go on first date

he lies about address and parents name

he asks her to run off and get married on first date

she says she is in love with him

he promises big ring big wedding 230$ house

she askes me to plan wedding, sing at wedding, give her away

i mean this all happened in one month

i am sad shocked and concerned

nobody in town likes this guy

has bad reputation

she begins to egnor me tlll me thye are going to move to germany

i get seriously concerned

she stops her life stops teaching ss at church leaves choir backs up bills starts fights with her brother and sisite

he stands her up three times

she goes crazy and says he in in trouble and she needs to help him

she stays away from home days in end

i am sick in wheel chair high blood pressure sugar heart flittering

he bruses her lips kissing and it is bloody

bruises on legs

i do not know anything about him

she rings up cell bill 800 dollars

i confront her

things get to boiling point

she screams and yells so loud one night that the wals shake

the saddest thing in my life that night i had to ask her to leave

did not want the neighbors to call police

i find her next day we hugg

same old thing keeps happening

he stands her up

i tell her if she marries him i will not give her away and her sister (minor) will not be bride maid

she tells me he has been married before

she shuts us out

she tells my they broke off engagement

still freaks out daily when home

word on street she thinks she is pg

sister found pg test kit

by then ive had it

her bills keep backing up

i mover her out to her fathers

i am so sad my daughter the joy of my heart

things go worse

i find out he has history which will put her in danger

serious stuff

if i tell her she wil not believe

if i do not she is in danger

info is solid

first thanks giving, christmas, and 2o th birthday with out her

me and other daughter cry as we listen over and over again to my imortial

my husband and i reconcils

she moves in with him

he lives with mommy and daddy with little brother too

she says we should never expect to see her again

she slanders family

it only hearts us when we breathe

tears are not enough

he gave her a ring on v day

they have known each other8 months

say on sisters!!!!!!!!!!

[Qicah]

My parents hated the idea of me having a bf. I really don't know why, when to think they experienced being in relationships when they were young and ended happily married. They were controlling my life when I was in High School. I had to be home at 5:30 on schooldays and they won't let me go out during weekends unless it was for school activities.

 

Having a relationship was not in my mind that time but I got so curious and confused. Kept asking myself, "What is in a relationship that my parents would totally disagree of me having one?" And I met my first love whom I cared about so much and kept the relationship just between the two of us, acted as bestfriends considering that we were still young. When we neared our 8th monthsary, my parents knew that I am seeing him and threatened me that they will let me stop schooling if I will not break up with him. I had no choice but to dump him and I felt so depressed and frustrated. BUt I moved on. I was so young and it wasn't the right time to fight for love.

 

I took up a 4 year course in college. I thought it was fine to have a bf coz I'm old enough and I made the biggest pressumption. I met the 'love' of my life. I told my parents about it coz I didn't want to play hide and seek with them anymore. But I regret opening up my relationship to them. They demanded that I should break up with him. I was 19 that time but I chose him, stayed with him, fight my love for him.

 

We're still going steady right now. I am now working and financially supporting my family. I love him so much and he's not taking me away from my family... He has only taken my time and attention. I do my responsibilities to my family, pay the bills, give allowances to my siblings, and sometimes gives my parents my savings. But my parents and brothers are still meddling us. What should I do? I have done everything, tried to be responsible to my family, but why do they still come across our ways? They are letting me choose between them and this guy? Who should I choose? I love my family and I do love this guy much.

 

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

 

 

I am so grateful of having responsible, caring and loving parents but sometimes they're too protective.

[guest]

Sorry it has taken me so long to respond, but I just checked this board (months after my last post). This message is for NYCT79. I hope things have gotten better at home. After my last post, I continued to fight with my family- and it got really bad- just like your situation. My father told me that if I chose him (who he has never met by the way)- then he would not be in my life. Oh, and they also pulled the whole- "we're going to move back and leave you here alone and we'll see how well you do without us." It's so crazy to me that you have the same exact situation as me. How is everything working out with you?

 

To make a really long story short, I made it clear that no matter what-I will never throw away a 3 year long relationship because of my parents. I'm 24/25 years old and I have a pretty good head on my shoulders (motivated, getting my PhD, etc.). I trust the way I feel. I'm not being headstrong and rushing off to get married. After months of fighting my mother finally "caved" by allowing me to go visit him in NY (I live at my parents home in NJ to save money while I'm in school) every other weekend, and for awhile now, she seemed to have calmed down. My father is another story, and I'd rather not discuss it.

 

Well just recently, she has started up again- with her racist comments and putdowns - how she can't believed her grandchildren might be hispanic and what is the church community going to say. I mean comments like those are so ridiculously close-minded and selfish that I've chosen to overlook them. She has never met him, so her opinion is based on her own prejudices. I've grown up with this dominant european upbringing, and I've always tended to have friends who were all 2nd generation Americans, like myself. My best friends are all asian, indian, african-american, isreali, hispanic, you name it. I have always felt a connection with people from other cultures- which explains my choice for friends (by the way, this is NOT to say that I'm only friends with people of culture- but I'm just trying to make a point).

 

My question is: why is it OK (in my parent's eyes) to be friends with all different types of people from different backgrounds, but not to fall in love with them?