Found out my husband has another child

[MotherOfThree]

My husband and I have been happily married for 15 years. We have 3 beautiful daughters together, ages 12, 10, and 5. Our marriage has been a blessing and we hardly fight about anything.

I found something out last month that I have really been having a hard time dealing with. I found out my husband has another child by another woman. It is a boy and he is now 18. This son of his was put up for adoption at birth because he was the result of my husband's one-night-stand (and my husband and I were dating at the time) and the mother of the child didn't want to raise him alone. He tracked down his birth parents and decided to contact my husband. I don't blame this boy, but I am very hurt that my husband didn't tell me about this son of his. He knew about him all along. The boy's father had contacted him to let him know that she was pregnant and he had such a fear of losing me that he told her he didn't want to be a part of it, so she gave the child up. It

It's been hard talking to my husband about this. I don't know if he has lied to me about other things or not. He failed to mention this in 18 years! It was so hard trying to explain to our daughters why they never knew they had a "brother". This boy wants a relationship with my husband now, but it's very hard for me to accept him into our lives. My husband also wants to be a part of his life, but it is really hard on me knowing the circumstances from which this child was concieved.

I want to be able to forgive my husband and us get on with our lives, but I am finding this very difficult.

Can anyone offer me some encouragement or let me in on a way to forgive my husband for his betrayal?

[moimeme]

He feared losing you so much he didn't tell you even though he probably wanted to share it with you. He never threw it at you in a fight to hurt you. He was mistaken but he did it before you were married, he regrets it, and he wanted to save you the hurt.

If you let the boy into your life and forgive your husband, all your lives will be better. Isn't that reason enough to let it go?

[Bruno6301]

I have to totally agree with Moimeme...I could not offer a better anwser. I think your husband has lived with so much guilt that he has NOT lied about anything else so important. You know?

 

Forgive him, love him, support this relationship, and I will pray that it all works out. You don't want to lose a goo 15 years....

 

Take care....and many many wishes for good things...

[Leftout in Love]

I know how you feel. I have experienced a similar thing in my marriage. My husband and I have been married for 5 yrs and I have children from a previous marriage whom I think of as my husband's and my kids. We refer to them as "our kids". That is, until one year ago when we found out he has a child that is 10 yrs old. He didn't know he had this child. Now, the ex-lover wants him to be in the child's life.. even though she waited 9 yrs to tell him. I cannot deal with this. I am totally hurt. I resent her ever contacting my husband. I don't think I would ever be able to accept this child. And, now, my marriage is breaking up because of this. I feel like my husband cares more for this new child in his life than he does for me <his wife> and our kids. I don't know how I am going to go on with these feelings. Any suggestions?

[moimeme]

You are jealous of a poor little kid? I think you need to step outside yourself and realize that this little boy is a person in development and that you can be one of the positive influences in his life by welcoming him and loving him. No kid can get too much love. You should know that love is not finite; that love given to one person does not detract from love given another. In fact, love multiplies love.

 

You need to get a grip. Find a good counsellor and get him or her to work you out of your self-focus in this issue and teach you to focus outward on this little boy. He's just a kid. You could look at this as a chance to get to know another family member rather than as a detriment to you.

[mimo123]

yes, it's hard to forgive the deception & I'm glad that you *want* to forgive him. That's a good first step. It's also good that you don't blame the boy.

 

It'll take a while for you to let go of the pain, do give yourself time. And give your husband & yourself time to rebuild the trust.

 

Maybe let the boy ease into your life, one baby step at a time?

[Lurker]

For MotherofThree:

 

This is a huge issue to try to deal with. And it's complicated (dramatically) by the fact that it is not so easy to forgive and move on when there is a living, constant reminder of the betrayal. I think that no matter how well intentioned your husband may have been, it will be hard for you to avoid thinking that if he lied once in order not to lose you, might he not have lied other times, as well. Have you discussed this with him? What does he say? And how is he handling telling your other children about this? I think you really need to talk with your husband and see whether he understands that it was a huge betrayal of trust not to tell you about this. Especially since his one-night-stand occurred while he was dating you and apparently seriously enough that he thought he'd lose you by admitting the truth. I am sorry not to have more concrete advice for you.

 

 

For Leftout:

 

Did your husband know about this child? You wrote that "we" found out about it a year ago, so I am wondering whether this was a surprise to both of you. If so, I think you have to consider that while you may view your children from your previous marriage as being collectively yours, your husband may be experiencing a different level of parenthood for the first time. What made the ex-lover suddenly decide to involve your husband again? Is she seeking financial support? The answers to these questions will likely determine what sort of conversation you and your husband should be having. My question for you is this: What threatens you about the appearance of this child? I understand that it is a blow to suddenly discover a child in the equation, but you've known since last year and are only now considering aplitting up, so it seems that there must be something more going on. Or is it just that you learned of the child last year but ahve only now been informed by the ex that she'd like your husband to be involved in a more permanent way? Let me ask something different: What if this were reversed? Let's say you discovered you had a child you had never known about (ok, this is bologically impossible, but play along with the idea) and were now in a marriage with a man who had children of his own. What would you feel toward the child? How would you want your husband to react?

[Rayne]

Originally posted by Lurker

Let me ask something different: What if this were reversed? Let's say you discovered you had a child you had never known about (ok, this is bologically impossible, but play along with the idea) and were now in a marriage with a man who had children of his own. What would you feel toward the child? How would you want your husband to react?

 

Excellent point. When you think of it that way, the solution becomes much clearer.

 

I agree with moheme *sorry for the spelling*) too... this child is actually THE MOST important person in this triangle. You both need to put one foot in front of the other and embrace this poor child. Now he will have a chance to know his father. And you will have a chance to make a bond with this child and support your husband who is probably a little freaked about all this too. Not to forgive what he did... it was not a nice thing to cheat on you. But you do have a history of 3 beautiful children, and 15 years of marriage that has been (quoting you) a blessing.

 

And so, I say open your heart to this child. Don't make him pay for something he had NO control over. Talk to your husband and try to work this out. It sounds like your marriage is worth it.

[jj]

I am in agreement with the people who have written replies already. I think they are on the right track. Also, although the deception is probably what hurts the most at this time it was probably something that was very painful for your husband and you can be sure he never cheated on you since that time because of the trauma and pain he went through at the time. The child is definitely not at fault. This whole thing must be difficult for him as well. I pray that during your 15 years of marriage you two have made mistakes, grown, learned, forgiven, and continued to love each other. If the two of you can see your way through this your relationship will only be strengthened. Your husband is still the same man that raised your children and loved you for the past 15 years of marriage.

[Unwanted]

Sorry,for your pain and hurt,i know how you fell.Your husband cheated on you before you marryed him.It's up to you to decide if you can trust him anymore.

[Juggs]

My husband has a son from a previous relationship and he never knew of the child until he was 5 years old. (After I started dating him but before we got married)

 

The thing to remember is it isn't the child's fault as to the circumstances of his/her conception. Please don't punish the child for something that happened long ago. I know it isn't easy to forgive your husband's infidelty... It was wrong, it hurts like Hell and I'm sure he's been living with that pang of guilt for the last 18 years. but keep trying.... You sound like you have a good solid marriage otherwise.

 

I ADORE my stepson.... Just think, this new child in your life might bring you joy and love.

[bea]

I thought this might be something you would be interested in - it is a book, Home Song by Lavyrle Spencer. I read it several years ago. Your post just reminded me of this book. Your situation is a difficult one, but maybe this book, if you choose to read it, will help some. There are some obvious differences. The man in the book did not know he had conceived a child, but he was involved with his future wife when he cheated and conceived this child. It just shows the struggle that each person goes through, including the children.