Cruel father

[em412]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice and a way to vent. I'm 25 and still at home. The reason is that a few months ago my mother had a heart attack and ultimately underwent a quadruple bypass (at 44, scary right?) Anyway both my parents are alcholics. I've dealt with DUI'S, losing cars, physical violence (against eachother mostly) picture living with a fraternity basically, only less responsible. My mother was always the sweet drunk while my father was always the evil one, although he's just evil over all. He has always been verbally abusive and manipulative (turning my sister, mother and I against eachother, constantly talking down and insulting us) he is the same way with his family, actually the whole side is that way really.

He has had two separate affairs and my mother stays with him because she feels worthless. After she suffered the heart attack he told my sister and I it's because "she's so f*cking fat" needless to say he was too busy to take care of her after surgery so here I still am.

Anyway I have been looking for a job for quite awhile and I finally found one. It's a great company and it's close and I'm happy. I was hoping for full time but they only had part time available but assured me that full time would be opening up. Good enough! I loved the company and besides I can now pay my bills When my father found out it was part time he was SCREAMING "when are you going to get a real job?" "how are you going to give me rent?" "whatever you're wasting my time" of course I told him he'd get his money and that I needed a job, what was I supposed to do, turn it down? He always makes my problems his problems and tells me how stressed he is due to me. He is constantly negative and cruel. I wasn't thrilled about part time either but I needed a job and I liked the company and the advancement opportunities. I guess I'd like to hear some feedback. No matter how much I know he's being a jerk it still makes me feel like nothing. My bf wants to physically hurt him but what good will that do? I also don't want to stress out my mother. I want to move out but can't afford to right now. I'm always worried that I'm not doing well enough or that I'll fail or never be able to move out. I love my sister very much btw but she has washed her hand of them. I'm glad for her but feel responsible for my mother now. I feel like I want to cry and scream, ugh!

[quankanne]

people who choose to abuse find someone who they feel are weaker, and therefore "perfect" victims. They don't like when someone stands up to them.

 

by all means, don't abandon your mom, but do your best to tune out the old man and to avoid him until you are able to get out of his house safely. I know it will be hard, but it's the only thing I can advise that's ladylike. Otherwise, I'd tell you to just start fooking with his head and standing up to him.

 

but, it's not nice, so it's back to the mental game of chess you must stage in order to survive. Whatever you do, don't let it ever get to a point of physicality, because that does not solve anything.

 

again, just stay a few steps ahead of him mentally, and close out the vitriolic remarks from your hearing. Because no matter what crap he flicks at you, now that you are an incredibly special person with a big heart to be able to care for your mom in the midst of this abuse. Don't ever let him say or do anything to destroy that – it's not his to take, you know?

 

meanwhile, contact the local abuse shelter or hotline to see what steps you can take to make this period less traumatic for you and mom. It could be that she might find the encouragement she needs to get the hell out of his grasp.

 

good luck, and many, many hugs,

quank

[reddog63]

Hi everyone, looking for some advice and a way to vent. I'm 25 and still at home. The reason is that a few months ago my mother had a heart attack and ultimately underwent a quadruple bypass (at 44, scary right?) Anyway both my parents are alcholics. I've dealt with DUI'S, losing cars, physical violence (against eachother mostly) picture living with a fraternity basically, only less responsible. My mother was always the sweet drunk while my father was always the evil one, although he's just evil over all. He has always been verbally abusive and manipulative (turning my sister, mother and I against eachother, constantly talking down and insulting us) he is the same way with his family, actually the whole side is that way really.

He has had two separate affairs and my mother stays with him because she feels worthless. After she suffered the heart attack he told my sister and I it's because "she's so f*cking fat" needless to say he was too busy to take care of her after surgery so here I still am.

Anyway I have been looking for a job for quite awhile and I finally found one. It's a great company and it's close and I'm happy. I was hoping for full time but they only had part time available but assured me that full time would be opening up. Good enough! I loved the company and besides I can now pay my bills When my father found out it was part time he was SCREAMING "when are you going to get a real job?" "how are you going to give me rent?" "whatever you're wasting my time" of course I told him he'd get his money and that I needed a job, what was I supposed to do, turn it down? He always makes my problems his problems and tells me how stressed he is due to me. He is constantly negative and cruel. I wasn't thrilled about part time either but I needed a job and I liked the company and the advancement opportunities. I guess I'd like to hear some feedback. No matter how much I know he's being a jerk it still makes me feel like nothing. My bf wants to physically hurt him but what good will that do? I also don't want to stress out my mother. I want to move out but can't afford to right now. I'm always worried that I'm not doing well enough or that I'll fail or never be able to move out. I love my sister very much btw but she has washed her hand of them. I'm glad for her but feel responsible for my mother now. I feel like I want to cry and scream, ugh!

 

I am a dad myself of three kids. I hate to hear when parents are like this so I feel for you on what crap you have had to deal with. You got the short end of the stick when it comes to parents.

 

I am not sure what advise to give you. Your in a tuff situation. I want to tell you to get the hell out of there. But I admire your taking care of your mother. Please find someone to talk to ...........maybe a pastor. You need some support.

 

Hang in there and should you ever raise a family in the future........show your kids the love that you should have gotten as a child.

[em412]

Thanks for the kind words. It's amazing how much your parents can affect you. When I'm with my bf for example I'm always asking "are you sure", "is it okay?", "are you mad at me?" It drives him crazy but I can't help it. I always feel like I'm bothering people or asking for too much. It's easy to know that I'm being silly but close to impossible to feel that way. The worst part is that I continue to seek my fathers approval even though he's done nothing but hurt and insult me and my mother.

[Curmudgeon]

Thanks for the kind words. It's amazing how much your parents can affect you. When I'm with my bf for example I'm always asking "are you sure", "is it okay?", "are you mad at me?" It drives him crazy but I can't help it. I always feel like I'm bothering people or asking for too much. It's easy to know that I'm being silly but close to impossible to feel that way. The worst part is that I continue to seek my fathers approval even though he's done nothing but hurt and insult me and my mother.

 

Em, you're a fairly typical adult child of alcoholics (ACOA). We (I'm one as well) tend to feel responsible for some of our parents' behaviors and to have low self-esteem. It might help you to find an ACOA group near you or a CODA (Codependents Anonymous) group, or both.

 

It's very dear of you to be so concerned about your mother but don't lose yourself in your father's dysfunction. In the end, he won't be worth it.

[suzyq83]

Amen on the ACOA advice -- keep your nose to the girndstone and work your way out from under that roof, for your sake and for your Mom's sake. You will be a good power of example for your Mom too, in doing so, in finding your way to a better life.

 

Sending you strength ~

[suzyq83]

The worst part is that I continue to seek my fathers approval even though he's done nothing but hurt and insult me and my mother.

 

You will always love your father even though you don't love his disease. Love is good. Don't let your love for him weaken you tho, any longer. It is actually more loving to not let his stuff affect you but it is hard. Al Anon is good too, to help with all of that.

[reddog63]

Thanks for the kind words. It's amazing how much your parents can affect you. When I'm with my bf for example I'm always asking "are you sure", "is it okay?", "are you mad at me?" It drives him crazy but I can't help it. I always feel like I'm bothering people or asking for too much. It's easy to know that I'm being silly but close to impossible to feel that way. The worst part is that I continue to seek my fathers approval even though he's done nothing but hurt and insult me and my mother.

 

Through marriage counseling (never had any counseling prior) I have learned just what you said............that your childhood affects you so much when you become an adult. It influences who you choose as a wife, your needs, etc...........so someday it would be helpful for you to get some counseling to hopefully minimize the decisions you make in life as opposed to making many bad decisions and then wonder one day , why does my life suck?

 

Anyway....wish you all the luck with situation.

[angie2443]

Thanks for the kind words. It's amazing how much your parents can affect you. When I'm with my bf for example I'm always asking "are you sure", "is it okay?", "are you mad at me?" It drives him crazy but I can't help it. I always feel like I'm bothering people or asking for too much. It's easy to know that I'm being silly but close to impossible to feel that way. The worst part is that I continue to seek my fathers approval even though he's done nothing but hurt and insult me and my mother.

 

 

Wow, you sound like me when I was younger. I would suggest you give up on your father's approval. Seek counseling if you need to. IMO, when you keep trying to gain your father's approval and/or love, you remain stuck in his world of sickness. This I say from personal experience. Good luck!