*long post* Is this ex worth pursuing? Right guy... wrong time?

[ald1008]

So, here's the thing.

 

My ex and I broke up June 12. We had been together just over a year and a half. We never fought (had disagreements, but nothing worth too much concern), we never had trust issues, never had the thoughts the other would cheat, nothing.

 

The week before the 12th (this timeline helps me explain my POV of things):

 

Thursday the 5: After I got off work I went to where he worked (about 3 blocks away) and went in to see him. His best friend was working. He turns to his friend, when I walk in, and says "I told you she'd show up." I kind of gave him this look like 'Can't I come see you?' But anyway, he was off shortly after and we walked to my car. He asks if I'm coming over. I said only if he didn't have plans. He said he didn't, but that he would most likely go to sleep shortly. A) he never said this before, nor had he ever seemed angry that I showed up to work. B) this little action set off the alarm in my head something was wrong. Before he walked to his car, he said we would have movie night (previously planned) Saturday. I said ok and then he said he'd call Saturday with more details.

 

Friday: uneventful, I didn't say anything to him. He didn't say anything to me.

 

Saturday: Around 9 PM he texts me and says we'll meet at his cousin's (for movie night) in a little bit. I misunderstand and leave for his cousin's house. I get a text shortly after asking if he should meet me there or pick me up. I said I was almost there. He got a little preturbed and said it was stupid I had already left. So anyway, I said I'd go home, despite being 50 yards from his cousin's house and waited. He came to my house and picked me up and we went to his cousin's. We watched 2 movies. Throughout the first one (Untraceable) I had little comments here and there like "Oh that's gross" or "Sick.." small things like that. After that movie, he freaks out claiming "I'm horrible to watch movies with because I talk the whole time". His cousin and girlfriend both stood up for me and said I didn't talk hardly at all. He got a little mad and laid down on the couch (we had been sitting next to each other before that, not holding hands ((a second alarm)). For a while during the second movie, he made sure his feet didn't touch me. Eventually his feet were on my lap (no biggie) but he was sleeping (so was his cousin). Me and the girlfriend woke up the 2 guys and we left. He drives me home and we kiss/say goodnight/hug. Nothing seemed wrong. No facials said anything. No body language was weird. Just the whole reaction in between the 2 movies.

 

Sunday: My parents left for town in the afternoon and my bf (at the time) said he would come over. We aren't sexually active so we would just watch tv or something. I texted him at around 3 asking if he was coming later. He said he had to do graduation thank you's. I said ok text me if you get them done. This whole day I had the WORST feelings of dread/anxiety/depression and was kind of crying. Partially because my parents were gone and he said he was going to come over and wasn't. So later, like 7 I texted him back asking if he had his thank yous done. He said he hadn't even started. I was angry (third alarm). I talked to a few friends and they said something was wrong. So I texted him again and asked if everything was ok. He said everything was. I didn't feel that way, but I didn't tell him that. So I went Sunday feeling crappy.

 

Monday: I decided when I woke up that I would show up at his house for a surprise visit. I showed up there around 12. When I walk in, I meet him coming up the stairs from the basement and he goes "What are you doing here (fourth alarm)?" I was shocked he said such a thing, but stayed regardless. We went to his room and laid down. He proceeds to fall asleep and I lay there drowing in my tears. He wakes up about a half hour later and asks why I was crying. All I could say was: Because. (fifth alarm) My internal relationship radar was beeping with the break-up bomb. But I refused to act on it. So I roll over and pretend to sleep. His mom comes in and asks him to sign something. For his sake I won't say what they were. I rolled back over and look at him after she left. It wasn't until this point that he started talking to me. We were both bored and hungry and agreed to go get lunch. So we go eat and get back and do nothing much. I leave for work at about 4:35. We stop in his doorway. I turn around, hug him, kiss him and tell him I love him. He says "love you too". Then I left because he had to work at the same time. Little did I know that that kiss was our last.

 

Tuesday and Wednesday we didn't talk. I did ask him Wednesday night if he'd like to do something Thursday before he went out of town to go see his dad. He said sure. So I thought things were ok.

 

Thursday: I went out of town with a girl friend had a good day (this is the 12th now). I get a text around 4 asking what I was doing. I said I was at her house but that I was leaving. He said we needed to talk. My blood froze. I knew what was coming. I wasn't ready to be single. I get to his house (after going the wrong direction home ) and I sit down on his bed. I intentionally put my arm away from him, so if he had to grab my arm, he had to reach for it. He did. I said "So..." and he goes "I think we need to break up." I heard stutters in his voice, meaning to me, this wasn't going to be pretty. I start crying, he starts crying. He says there's just some things going on that are making him mad. Nothing much else. Though, we do talk for quite a while longer. Me saying that I'm not mad and that he's doing what he thinks is right... blah blah the usual stuff. A small errand comes up and he asks if I want to go, I do... his friend texts in the mean time and asks if I was still there. He said yes and the friend says "you broke up with her and you're still talking?" It was a small relief time. Time goes on and I leave around 9 (I'd been there about 3 hours). I walk out to my car and unlock my car, throw my stuff in there and turn around and hug him so hard. I started crying again and so did he. He held me like he never had before. Closer than any hug. Harder than any embrace. I wanted to have one last kiss. But I didn't think he'd appreciate it. Eventually I let go and left. VERY RELUCTANTLY. I wanted to turn around and say I'm sorry for whatever I did and that I'd do anything to change it. I didn't.

 

I sat at my house the next couple days crying (of course) and asked myself how this could happen. Nothing seemed wrong. Everything seemed ok before all this. Where did we go wrong?

 

I had wanted an Xbox 360 for a while. So my ex's best friend got me one and I hooked it up and we started playing Xbox Live together. We have pretty much everyday since I got it. We chat on there (but never about our relationship or anything). A few weeks went by. I tried telling him a few times that I wanted to work things out and that I still had tons of feelings for him. I find out some things through several of his friends and his sister. Nothing important for this post's sake. Personally, though, it was a lot to me. Recently, on MSN, we talked. I found out more there than I ever had talking to people. I found out that he wasn't able to commit to a long distance relationship (I'm leaving to go out of town for college to a U 2 hours away... and his sister goes there. He's staying in town... WHERE I COULD COME BACK AND VISIT WHENEVER...) But he also said that his feelings started changing around the movie Saturday and started seeing me as more of a friend than a girlfriend. That last part made me go "Oh... well. I need to stop worrying about this and move on." Since I told myself this (and had this MSN convo with him) I've been more at ease about us being apart. I still see pics of us from high school and go... "Now why couldn't those memories be the present?" We did go to different high schools (rival ones actually) but that never stopped us. I thought we would be inseperable and possibly married after college just because things were going so good. I thought we would be like his cousin and his girlfriend, together for 3 years. They're as good as married. I thought we were too.

 

But things have changed and we're not anymore. July 20 would have been our 1 year 8 month. OBVIOUSLY, that's not happening.

 

I had my rough days. I had my good days.

 

Now I'm asking. Does it seem like he really wanted to break up? Or do you think he's just feeling lots of pressure? Because there are some things I didn't talk about intentionally, but because they are personal to him and I respect that of him. I would say, without saying what, that one item in particular in his life may be a big factor.

 

I have high hopes that we stay great friends through college, even though we'll both see other people. Yes, we are each other's first relationships and they say you never really forget your first love. But things were so right. Like I said, we never fought, we got a long great. I love his family, he loved mine...

 

It almost seems like he just broke up because he got tired of something... but I can't figure out what...

 

Is this ex worth pursuing? I've tried to tell him I want to get back together, but it doesn't work. If I wait, will that help? Should I play the "make him jealous" card? Should I pull the "I'm happy without you" card? See if it makes him want me? I just don't know. My friends all tell me different things... any help from you?

[ald1008]

BTW if anyone needs additional info and it's something I feel pertinent, I can post it.

[orangehose]

I worked my way through your post and have to say, unfortunately, that your ex was acting in a fairly typical 'imminent breakup' fashion - i.e., the getting angry at you for little things (like making comments during the movie), being less affectionate, being less interested in hanging out, not returning calls...

 

He may be having some personal issues (like the ones you haven't disclosed for privacy reasons), but when it comes down to it, I recommend just giving him space and going no-contact, as hard as it is to do. If you're not angry with him for something, maybe tell him one last time that you care about him and don't understand what he's angry about, but are going to leave him alone because it appears that's what he needs or wants at this time. Then don't contact him.

 

What happens in the following months will decide things one way or another. If he doesn't contact you, it will be hard, but that will be a kind of closure in itself. Or else maybe he'll contact you at some point and explain himself further. But bottom line, you deserve someone who wants you, and as soon as someone doesn't want you anymore (or doesn't act like they want you), then they don't deserve you anymore either.

[ald1008]

Yes, I apologize for the lengthy post. I thought maybe more details may help see what I think I'm seeing... maybe not? I'm not sure. Thanks for weeding through it, though ...

 

I do see your point - no contact. I did think about that. But since he and I both have Xboxs and share many friends... he sometimes asks ME to play a game with him and/or his friends. We've spent several late nights playing (1 or 2 am) And he did say that he didn't want me out of his life... So I'm sorta doing that, by not talking to him first. If he wants me as a friend, then he's going to prove it by keeping contact alive. If he doesn't, then he must not think too much of our friendship.

 

... maybe tell him one last time that you care about him and don't understand what he's angry about, but are going to leave him alone because it appears that's what he needs or wants at this time. Then don't contact him.

<-- I did this recently and he just got mad at me for "telling him the same thing over and over again". Though in my mind, I hadn't said something the same. He just said I was "overreacting like usual" (he says I overreact a lot and I think I'm just reacting as any girl would).

 

He's so unpredictable. I talked to his sister earlier and she said the same. Sometimes he doesn't care and other times he just snaps and you don't know until you start talking. Mentally I've moved beyond him. But emotinally, I'm still attatched to the thought of having him as a friend. After all, when we broke up he did say he was worried I would hate him for this decision. I didn't hate him, I just disliked his thoughts and choice.

 

Honestly, if we stay close friends through a few weeks of college and he sees how UN-HARD our relationship could probably be, he might change his mind. I don't know. Thats the soft side of me saying don't let go. The other part of me is going: hundreds of guys to choose from? Gotta be one worth dating!

 

*Sigh* I've done it again, ranted a lengthy post. Sorry...

[orangehose]

 

<-- I did this recently and he just got mad at me for "telling him the same thing over and over again". Though in my mind, I hadn't said something the same. He just said I was "overreacting like usual" (he says I overreact a lot and I think I'm just reacting as any girl would).

 

He's so unpredictable. I talked to his sister earlier and she said the same. Sometimes he doesn't care and other times he just snaps and you don't know until you start talking. Mentally I've moved beyond him. But emotinally, I'm still attatched to the thought of having him as a friend. After all, when we broke up he did say he was worried I would hate him for this decision. I didn't hate him, I just disliked his thoughts and choice.

 

Hmmmm... (highlighted certain parts) is this someone you really want in your life, even as a friend? If you were at the stage where you could play Xbox with him every now and then without caring whether he wants a relationship with you, then by all means, go ahead and do it. But it doesn't sound like you're at that stage - the end of your first post sounds very much like you want to get back with him, even if above you say that youve mentally moved beyond him.

 

Anyway, if you at all doubt you're totally over him romantically, I would say it's not healthy for you to be hanging out with him.

 

Also, at the risk of sounding incredibly obvious, he doesn't sound like a nice person who's appreciating you at this time. At least where he is right now...

[bunny25k]

my opinion is to just put the thought of this relationship or any relationship in the back burner. focus on college, your goals, and friends. love can come later.

 

and also, not to sound insensitive, but the crying and surprise visits may have driven him away. he doesn't sound like the type that would enjoy those things. my brother is like that too. i remember his ex (gf at the time) showed up unexpected and he was pissed off. all he wanted was a day to himself without dealing with anyone/anything. he wasn't as nice about it though, your ex allowed you to stay, he told her to go home. fyi, my brother is a very honest and faithful person.

 

anyhow, i'm not saying it's your fault. it's nobody's fault. sometimes people just grow incompatibly.

[ald1008]

It's interesting you bring up me showing up at his house. I say that because I've shown up at his house randomly all summer, plus all our relationship, and he never had a problem with it before. As far as I know, it never bothered him. Usually if something bothered him, he told me (however subtley or aggressively). But me showing up? He never said anything...

 

What bothers me, and surprises me, is that we've talked more now than we did when we were together. I'm not couting in person/house visits. But like on the phone or texting, we've talked more on Xbox Live in the past month than we ever did on the phone. I'm thinking about not signing into live and see how long it takes him to say something like "why aren't you getting on?"

 

I just wish I could point out so many things to him without him defending himself. He wasn't perfect in the relationship either. If he thinks *I* was hard to deal with in a relationship, I can't wait until he meets someone high-maintenance. But this also is where I see my fault: I was too low-key and was more a tom boy to him and therefore just a friend. I just find it hard how he changed his feelings in 4-5 days after a year and a half of a great relationship... We've been apart a month and a half and I still have feelings for him.

 

And like bunny25k has pointed out, I am trying my best to focus on college/friends/that type of stuff. So far, it's doing alright.

 

To orangehose: Yes, he is a very nice guy about 98% of the time. But like all guys, he thinks he's always right and has to win every little disagreement and argument. I think, unfortunately, I've only said bad things about him. He's done so many nice things for me its worth missing. I think, since we were each others first relationships, that we were both scared to actually sit down and talk to the other person about what we were feeling towards the other. For example, I never had the courage to sit down and talk to him about possibly having sex. I will say we are both under 18, but to me, we would gain a lot from the act. My best friend of over 10 years said it deepened hers and her boyfriend's relationship (over 2 years). To me, it seemed like we were going to last for quite a while and we both were happy together. So I thought I would wait for him. I had hinted at this several time, but never got any further.

 

I'm just afraid that both he and I were too afraid of what the other person would say. At least I was.

 

But yes, I do want him as a friend. If he were to ask me back out, I would. But at the same time, I've put our relationship behind us and am open to a different person. But if all I am to him is a person to play games with, I will stop signing into Xbox Live for a while.