What is the best way to argue?

[kivabeach]

I literally JUST had a massive fight with my boyfriend of 4 years. We are two educated and grown adults, but we fight like a bunch of 4th graders.

 

Tonite for example, he got so mad at me and sunk so low as to call me names such as B@#$%, and W@#$% and other deviations thereof (which, by the way, is not unusual).

 

I myself, am guilty of not being approachable, and yes...mean. I dont call him names though. All we do is rehash the "who done it" and "Why did you's" and never get anywhere. Its like, one of us can be ready to talk like an adult, but the other is in 4th grade mode and it suddenly goes back to a childish war.

 

We have a great relationship 95% of the time, and I really mean that, but sometimes when we fight, it just gets so nasty and immature and I feel like punching his face!!!

 

Sometimes one of us (usually him) will just get in the car and take off for a little while. That seems to get me more fired up, so when he returns, I attack him.

 

Anyway, arguments are a normal, if not healthy part of the relationship, but the way we do it...its not. How can we learn to argue more maturely?

[whichwayisup]

1)Never name call, he has to stop doing that.

2)Let go of ego. Put yourself in eachothers shoes more often.

3)Let go of who is right and who is wrong.

4)Learn to pick your battles - Know when to walk away. Learn to control the anger and lashing out.

5)At the end of the day, those little fights, do they matter? Even though at the time it gets your blood boiling..

 

Compromise, communication, accept the OP for who they are, faults, quirks and all.

 

Remember each of you have feelings and emotions. To be purposely cruel to eachother is disrespectful, like the name calling.

[kivabeach]

1)Never name call, he has to stop doing that.

2)Let go of ego. Put yourself in eachothers shoes more often.

3)Let go of who is right and who is wrong.

4)Learn to pick your battles - Know when to walk away. Learn to control the anger and lashing out.

5)At the end of the day, those little fights, do they matter? Even though at the time it gets your blood boiling..

 

Compromise, communication, accept the OP for who they are, faults, quirks and all.

 

 

See, I know we BOTH know that this is the more proper way, but its so hard in the "heat" of the moment, so to speak. How can i suggest he learn to not call me names? We are two passionate people, so we need to figure out how to stop it before it comes out. I'm not sure how to do that.

[Curmudgeon]

Anyway, arguments are a normal, if not healthy part of the relationship, but the way we do it...its not. How can we learn to argue more maturely?

 

Do your best to fight fair and that begins with a conversation, not a confrontation.

 

If you have to have it out then establish some rules and boundaries. One of the first and foremost should be to agree to argue/fight. You both have to be ready to take up the issue(s) or it merely becomes a lecture or diatribe.

 

Agree for all time that anything older than 48 hours is ancient history and is not to be brought up. If it wasn't important enough to confront, discuss, settle and lay to rest when it happened or was said, it's not important now.

 

No verbal hitting below the belt. That also means no name-calling, belittling, insulting -- you get the picture. Remember, you're supposed to love one another so act like it.

 

Before you begin, after you've agreed to take on an issue, sit down together.; If you really want to keep it civilized, hold hands while you talk. It's difficult to get angry with a loved one while you're lovingly touching.

 

Those are my thoughts.

[kivabeach]

Do your best to fight fair and that begins with a conversation, not a confrontation.

 

If you have to have it out then establish some rules and boundaries. One of the first and foremost should be to agree to argue/fight. You both have to be ready to take up the issue(s) or it merely becomes a lecture or diatribe.

 

Agree for all time that anything older than 48 hours is ancient history and is not to be brought up. If it wasn't important enough to confront, discuss, settle and lay to rest when it happened or was said, it's not important now.

 

No verbal hitting below the belt. That also means no name-calling, belittling, insulting -- you get the picture. Remember, you're supposed to love one another so act like it.

 

Before you begin, after you've agreed to take on an issue, sit down together.; If you really want to keep it civilized, hold hands while you talk. It's difficult to get angry with a loved one while you're lovingly touching.

 

Those are my thoughts.

 

Hey Thanks! I really like the hand holding idea. As I mentioned before, we are passionate people, so we MUST learn to chill out before it comes out. I think i'll have him read this when we cool off. He's currently making dinner, but we haven't spoken much. And I seem to have a permanent sourpuss on my face right now. Even the dog is hiding.

[whichwayisup]

See, I know we BOTH know that this is the more proper way, but its so hard in the "heat" of the moment, so to speak. How can i suggest he learn to not call me names? We are two passionate people, so we need to figure out how to stop it before it comes out. I'm not sure how to do that.

 

How you two fight is exhausting and dramatic. It's a bad dynamtic between you two that will only get worse later on, so nip it in butt now.

 

When you feel the anger rising or he's getting pissy with you, just stop. Tell him you love him but you'll talk when you're both calmer and level headed.

 

Write rules down together now, before the next fight happens. Ask him how feels about this too, hopefully he's just as sick of it as you are and is open to new ideas on how to have discussions that don't get out of hand.

 

I know it isn't easy, and it's never going to be perfect - But if you two learn new boundries and don't cross the lines (respect eachother) it will be easier.

 

I'm sure there are books out there that can help, or even some couples counselling too, if you're both willing to go.

[whichwayisup]

Oh and another thing that helps - Humour. Sometimes when discussions get too serious and intense, DO something to lighen up the mood. Sometimes I let one go, or I'll just take my shirt off, shake my boobs around and laugh - It just changes things up and he laughs, which makes me feel less angry. I know all about temper as I'm a red head, and I've learned to control the blood boiling moments..This is why I keep my humour going!

[Trialbyfire]

Read these two posts by Geishawhelk about a speaker/listener technique and how not to attack during a discussion.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1751964&postcount=13

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=1752045&postcount=14

[quankanne]

from http://www.onlinedatingschool.com/relationships/fight-fair.html

 

There are several points to remember when initiating a discussion with your spouse. Some valuable fair-fighting tips include the following:

 

* Be sure to make it clear to your partner that you value that person’s opinion even if you do not agree with it.

* Allow your partner the right to feel differently than you or to think differently than you.

* Choose your battles carefully. In other words, some issues are worth confronting head-on regardless of how uncomfortable they are, and other issues are best left alone.

* Remember that you can express how you feel about situations, but that you cannot change your partner. In this case, you will either need to learn to “agree to disagree” or try to offer some type of compromise.

* Whenever possible, use “I” statements, such as “I feel…when you…”, or “I get angry when…”. Try to keep the focus on how you feel rather than on the wrongdoing of the other person.

* When you are wrong admit it as soon as possible. If the other person is wrong, it is wise to forgive that person as soon as possible.

* If you are in a battle with someone who feels the need to be right all the time realize it is that person’s problem. Although it is very difficult to do so, you may either need to accept this about the person or move on.

 

the stuff that the others have posted dovetail nicely into the info above.

 

i think the most important thing to do, however, is to establish a bedrock in the relationship where you AND your partner understand that while you may disagree, it doesn't stop the love you feel for him/her. The rest just flows from there ...

[annieo]

While I respect and agree with all of the "fair fighting" techniques that have been suggested, and have tried to implement them myself, the truth in my relationship is that sometimes, neither one of us is in a rational enough state of mind to use them.

We are in the midst of a do-it-yourself reno of the downstairs of our house. We are living (me, my h and 2 kids) in three rooms plus bathroom upstairs. No central air, fruit fly plague, no tv, difficulty in preparing meals, washing dishes. You get the picture. Things are a little tense, we're all a little tired and uncomfortable.

My h and I have had a couple of blow ups in the past 2 days, usually related to my inability to hold a unwieldy, 40 lb piece of drywall over my head while he screws it into the second floor joists. Or my unwillingness to try to put durabond into a 4 inch gap between wall and ceiling at a perfect 90 degree angle . Actually writing this out makes me want to laugh; it has been comical at times.

In situations like those, things get a little ugly. We are generally pretty calm and talk about stuff, but not now. Swearing, tears, recriminations are more likely.

BUT, after we have cooled off, we kiss and make up. We know what WE are going through, and when we have calmed down, we kiss and make up. I don't carry a grudge about what he has said, and he doesn't either. We're too tired to carry a grudge!

Sorry got a little detailed/off topic, but I guess what I am trying to say is there is not "right" way to argue. You find what works for your relationship/circumstances. And this might seem trite, but make up before you go to sleep. Ancient wisdom of our parents, and so true.

[carhill]

What is the best way to argue?

 

Naked.....

[whichwayisup]

Naked.....

 

OK someone else who thinks like me..

[kivabeach]

My h and I have had a couple of blow ups in the past 2 days, usually related to my inability to hold a unwieldy, 40 lb piece of drywall over my head while he screws it into the second floor joists. Or my unwillingness to try to put durabond into a 4 inch gap between wall and ceiling at a perfect 90 degree angle . Actually writing this out makes me want to laugh; it has been comical at times.

.

 

Hi Annieo,

 

This made me laugh out loud. I'm glad you are able to see the hunor in it as well.

 

And i agree with you that sometimes its just hard for the rational side of us to come out during the heat of the argument. I just dont find it to be healthy for us to continue fighting the way we do. It kind of works for us because we dont know how else to argue, but I feel that it really damages our realtionship. I hold on to the names he calls me, and definitely hold grudes for it.

[carhill]

OK someone else who thinks like me..

Kinda hard for me to get all self-righteous with all the equipment swinging in the breeze

 

OK, seriously, MC has taught me a lot of tools, some of which have already been shared here. The most important one for me is to tone down my intellectual need to be right for myself and work on more of what is right for us as a couple and as a team. That takes listening skills. Our MC commented early-on that we tended to talk "at" each other instead of "with" each other and, even though our arguments rarely involve raised voices, the content can still be hurtful. As an only child, I never had to "get along" with siblings, so I'm the one who needs to do most of the work on arguing in a healthy way.

 

I'll try the naked idea next time and let you know how it goes.

[annieo]

There is a big difference between situational arguing and habitual arguing. And name calling, under normal circumstances, is not a good sign.

I think my h called me a b#tch once, a few years ago. Once. Hasn't happened again.

Don't get quiet, or hold a grudge. Tell him that if he ever calls you a name like that again, he's going to be eating fried balls with his eggs in the morning, if you think you can carry that line off. Or something to that effect. Name calling during normal agro is a no no.

I'm glad I made you laugh, it has been kind of funny/angry around here.

[whichwayisup]

I have never called my H a name, nor has he towards me. Well, once actually I did..He was nitpickin' me over something and I had PMS, I thought it and then I realized it popped out of my mouth. I called him "dad" which pissed him off. Can't remember exactly what I said, but something like, "Sure dad." It was kind of funny though..

 

Ha, carhill...Trust me, it is distracting.

[luvstarved]

All of the suggestions above are great. I would just like to add a little, because my H and I have had the same problem for YEARS, with downright VICIOUS arguments, and are in the process of finally doing some right things to correct it...

 

TIME OUT. All the stuff about respect and rules goes out the window at the time of the event, at least when you are initially trying to break old habits. You should both agree to try to PUT A HALT to the conversation when the emotions run high. Maybe on one occasion he will do it, another time you will, whoever is most capable at that time of acting like a mindful functional adult. The minute name calling happens, STOP RIGHT THERE. Tell him you will discuss it when he is ready to be rational. If he persists, remove yourself from the situation. Leave the house if you need to. Cool off yourself before returning. But don't let it just blow over, either. Make an appointment to try the conversation again if that helps.

 

Most of the arguments my H and I have had ultimately have been about not being alike, not understanding and accepting our differences.

 

I recommend the book "The New Rules of Marriage" by Terry Love. It helped us a lot. Quankanne's list is great and the sentiments are similarly covered in the book. The basic notion is "full respect living"...learning to listen respectfully, validate each other, understand boundaries...and above all cherish. One of the valuable reminders for me has been "remember who you are talking to".

 

My H and I have had a lot of resentment and hostility between us and we are right now in the throes of trying to peel all that away. It is not easy and I am not sure we will succeed. But things have gotten a LOT better.

 

Best of luck to you.