decor17 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Hi everyone, My husband and I have been together for 15 years. Two weeks ago, after he gave me his password to log onto his laptop, I discovered emails (typical, right) of a secret relationship my husband was having with another woman. Here's a quick background: - about the 2nd month into our then young relationship, I began catching my sweetie in ALL types of lies - They started off small: He lied about losing one of the first gifts I had given him - a pair of designer sunglasses - whenever I commented that he wasn't wearing his shades, he would tell me that he left them at work, etc. He even went out and purchased a pair that he thought looked similar to the lost ones, then proceeded to try to convince me that the imposter was the pair that I had purchased for him. He lied about paying bills, that he hadn't etc, etc. Then the lies got bigger: Once, I found out through old letters he had kept that he had been sending flowers and had met with his ex girlfriend - after SWEARING to me that it was over. He lied about Not going to strip club at a bachelor party - he tells me 15 years later that not only did he go, but he touched the strippers ass and boobs! He's ordered porn online and lied when I asked him what the charges were on our bank statements. He even registered for a dating site. So about two weeks ago I discover this new huge lie and confront both him and the woman demanding to know the truth. She tells me that they had had an affair ten years ago - DURING the My PREGNANCY with our first child. Oh, BTW, he said they stopped seeing each other the day I gave birth...I know, I'm an idiot, right? I was devastated - it may have happened years ago, but the recent correspondence showed that they had made plans to meet for lunch. In another email he commented about making the sacrifice he made to stay with me because of the kids. In another email to this woman, he made fun of me. They even went back and forth, discussing who might have known about their relationship. Their last correspondence (that I know of) was about a month ago. He also lost his wedding ring - he says it was a hot day, so he took it off in the car - then he never saw it agin. He lost it LAST YEAR and finally had the guts to tell me during our one and only "heart to heart" discussion we had after the discovery of these recent emails. (I told him if he didn't come clean about EVERYTHING - I was leaving him). It takes two people to make a marriage work. I know for a fact that I did treat him badly - I hated him half the time and the other half (when I thought we "happy" ) was spent monitoring him, either trying to catch him in another lie or trying to figure out if he was actually telling the truth. After years of having complete contempt for him and his lack of being straight with me EVER about anything - I too turned to other people (2) looking for someone who could be real - PS I NEVER had sex outside of my marriage - kissing and fondling. I have NEVER corresponded with either man - they were huge mistakes that I justed wanted to forget. Now, here I am. I don't know whether I should take a leap of faith and hope that he will change or cut my losses and leave. He is BEGGING me to stay, he claims that he loves me etc, etc - SAME STUFF he said after every incident. I know that he has huge trust issues with me due to my indiscretions. I am feeling right now like he is actually the "winner" of this pissing contest we have called a marriage. I feel like I have 15 years of NOTHING as I don't even know who this man is or who he will turn out to be. What should I do - stay or go? Link to post Share on other sites
wannabehappy Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Wow! You should read about my situation on here. There are some things that are similar. What do you want to do? Can you forgive him? Do you think you can work on the relationship? I am in just as much mess as you are and all I can do is tell you to think long and hard about how you feel. You do not have to give him an answer about if you want to work on the relationship until you are ready. I do believe in therapy for the both of you together to have everything out in the open. That may help you make a decision also. I know how bad it feels when repeated lies are there. You don't remember a time that was true and wonder about everything ever said. No one can tell you what to do you have to look inside yourself and weigh what you can and can not live with. If he is promising to change and can earn your trust back saving your marriage is worth it. Step back and re-focus on you and your needs and wants and then you will be able to make a decisin that will affect your whole family. I really hope it does work out for you, so many people throw away their commitments because it is easier then working on it (both people need to work on the marriage). Good luck and step back and don't make any decisions until you are ready. Link to post Share on other sites
saraispiel19 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 In my opinion : Take some time apart, a few months alone would do you both some good. This I hate you/ I love you ordeal is not good for the both of you. I bet a few months from now you will be able to think clearly and know for sure whether you want to be with him or go out on your own. Right now all emotions are in a whirl and the so called "companionship" will be missed since it's been 15 years and alot of "getting used to". Goodluck to you and keep us posted! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Now, here I am. I don't know whether I should take a leap of faith and hope that he will change or cut my losses and leave. He is BEGGING me to stay, he claims that he loves me etc, etc - SAME STUFF he said after every incident. I know that he has huge trust issues with me due to my indiscretions. I am feeling right now like he is actually the "winner" of this pissing contest we have called a marriage. I feel like I have 15 years of NOTHING as I don't even know who this man is or who he will turn out to be. What should I do - stay or go? That's up to you.. really.. he might eventually change.. some do.. when they get older and can hardly keep an erection.. they usually slow down then.. out of embarassement... or lack or energy Link to post Share on other sites
american-woman Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 Sorry you are here. I think alot of us can relate to someone like this. Its hard to trust one once they lie. If you both want to stay married your WH needs to be an open book. Get into MC if you both can. Have him write a letter of NO CONTACT to her and both of you sign it and send it to her. He needs to account for all his wherebouts to you at all times to rebuild trust. Cell phone calls, ect. Remember this isnt about you that he has been wayward. Good luck Link to post Share on other sites
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