Do I still have a chance?

[irishman]

I had only been going out with my girlfriend for 2 months, but it felt to me that we had something pretty special. I go to college in England, she's English and I'm Irish, and we had been going out for 6 weeks before term ended and I had to go home.

 

After about a month of things being absolutely perfect, I messed things up by getting really drunk and accusing her of flirting with another guy in a nightclub. She very nearly broke up with me, but we just managed to keep things together and to me they seemed better than ever after that, although we only had a few more days together at the end of term before I had to leave.

 

We spoke quite a bit on the phone and emailed and texted eachother a lot while we were apart, and then I went to visit her a few weeks ago. I knew being apart would put a strain on things and would throw up doubts, and was quite worried before I went to see her. However, the first day was fantastic, and reassured me a lot.

 

On the second day, we had a sort of 'state of the union' discussion where she said she was tired of being hurt by guys and said " I know what I want, but I dont know what you want". I said I didnt want to look too far ahead or put pressure on things, not wanting to say anything controversial, since I knew it would be difficult enough to make it work while we were apart.

 

The next night, she broke up with me, saying that it didnt feel right, and that she was looking for a really serious relationship and didnt want to go out with anyone for the sake of it.

 

I didnt make any attempt at the time to persuade her to change her mind, since I knew that my knee-jerk reactions wouldnt be very helpful in the long run. Instead, I wrote her a letter and email saying how much I liked her, and saying that despite what I had told her, I was looking for a serious relationship too, but hadnt wanted to put pressure on things. She wrote me back saying she really appreciated what i had to say and that she liked me a lot, but didnt feel we were right for eachother "at this moment in time". We havent spoken because she broke her phone (I know that sounds dubious, but she was the one who said she wanted to talk to me as I was going home, and she's a really sweet girl and I know she would gladly talk to me).

 

My queries are:

Can doing something stupid like being jealous really change a girl's opinion of you for good?

 

Is 'I dont want to look too far ahead' a really bad answer to the question of what you're looking for in a relationship?

 

I'm going back to college in 2 months and I'll see her again. Does what she wrote back to me suggest that I have a chance if i ask her out again?

 

What should I do at this point to maximise my chances of getting her back? Should I call her? Should I tell her I miss her? Should I leave her alone to think about it?

[superd]

"at this moment in time" is the thing that sounds kind of dubious to me, what exactly does that mean, does that mean "later sucker, I'll call you when my life falls apart and I have no one else". Try to get her back but don't go to crazy, if she doesn't think its working you can't force her to stay with you, just don't wait too long after you get an answer from her if its a no to start looking for someone else.

[midori]

Originally posted by irishman

My queries are:

Can doing something stupid like being jealous really change a girl's opinion of you for good?

 

Depends on how extreme and frequent the accusations were. Also depends on her interpretation thereof. Doesn't have to be a deal-breaker -- but it's hardly charming.

 

Is 'I dont want to look too far ahead' a really bad answer to the question of what you're looking for in a relationship?

 

If you're being honest when you say it, how can it be a bad answer? Of course it probably wasn't what she was hoping to hear; and if so then it was ample reason to write you off as a bad bet for a relationship.

 

I'm going back to college in 2 months and I'll see her again. Does what she wrote back to me suggest that I have a chance if i ask her out again?

 

Sounds like it could go either way.

 

What should I do at this point to maximise my chances of getting her back? Should I call her? Should I tell her I miss her? Should I leave her alone to think about it?

 

I suggest not too much contact for the next two months -- once or twice a month ought to suffice. But then, once you're back at college and if she's not seeing someone else, I would make it very clear that you are quite sure you want to pursue a relationship with her. Words consistent with actions. You need to overcome your previous ambivalence about being in a relationship with her.

 

Good luck!