Depressed Sister is Moving to Our Town

[Jilly Bean]

My clinically depressed, miserable, loser of a sister is still saying she is moving to town. I know this sounds harsh, but though I love her on some level, I really can't stand her. She is so derisive, manipulative, and causes my parents undue stress.

 

I moved closer to my folks years ago to help them through Dads illness. I gave up a very happy life to step up and be there for them. Hasn't been easy, but I have created a VERY lovely dynamic with my folks. I am their rock, their support, and do all I can for them.

 

Sis is moving out here, as she has put her house up for sale. Her BF moves on here in a few weeks. He tells me he plans on (perhaps) breaking up with her when he moves here.

 

Thing is, my folks aren't very jacked about her being here either. ANY time she has visited, she wreaks holy hell, as her depression causes all of us to fight, as she is so miserable to be around. You know those people that are like emotional vampires? That's her.

 

She hasn't worked in years, is about to have her house foreclosed on, and is moving here because 1) my Mom foolishly said she wanted her to, and 2) her BF is coming and she thinks they are going to be together.

 

I AM LIVID at the thought of her arrival. I honestly can't stand her, never could. I feel like my NEW happy little life that I have created is about to be majorly disrupted. My Mom is in denial, and says that she believes she will correct her life (I guess a parent has to think that), and that my folks plan on not asking her ANYTHING about her life when she gets here (what kind of relationship is THAT?).

 

I have a doggy door relationship with my folks - I can drop by any time I like, and now with her around, I won't be doing that.

 

Also, I am WAY tweaked that I am the one who has logged the hard and difficult years, and now she thinks she's going to arrive at the 11th hour and be some type of golden child.

 

I am trying to come up with ways to get her to NOT move here. But, I can't come up with anything.

 

So, I am trying to reconcile how to deal with this, when I know that she is going to bring so much misery, pain and sadness - as she always does. No one but me seems to think she will be WORSE here. She hates where we live, hates the weather, is leaving a place where she lived for 20 years, has a lot of friends, and loves it. She still wont have a job or will work (Im convinced).

 

I'm truly pissed off and worried about how much my life is going to change when she shows up. AND the lives of my folks. ALL for the worst...

 

What do I do?

[Ocean-Blue]

Do you want your sister to be a part of your life? Do you want to be a part of hers?

[sb129]

Well if your parents are that excited about her coming, then I doubt she is going to become some golden child, esp if she is Ms Misery.

 

Maybe once she is there she will realise that she misses her friends and the weather etc etc and move back. Is she moving in with your parents?

[sb129]

Her arrival doesn't have to have a negative effect on your good R with your folks. Just be the bigger person if she ever tries to pull any BS and arrange to have time with them alone.

[whichwayisup]

I think you, your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, any other siblings or close relatives should get together, talk and maybe do an intervention and let her know that IF she plans on being in your lives and possibly living with her parents (your parents), then there are rules and boundries she MUST stick to and also make it CLEAR to her that she MUST be in counselling and be on medication.

 

Her depression is a vicious circle and she's been unwell and untreated for a long time. She's not capable of living a normal life, her choices are poor and set her back, get her into trouble, then more depression hits. It's a cycle that HAS to stop. Or atleast slow down so she can deal with her depression.

 

Suggest this to your parents, hopefully they'll agree and if possible, go to court so they CAN get your sister into a mental health facility so she can get the help she needs..

[Jilly Bean]

Do you want your sister to be a part of your life? Do you want to be a part of hers?

 

I would live very happily if I never saw her again, honestly. Never been any love lost there. I consider her arrival to be a massive intrusion.

 

Well if your parents are that excited about her coming, then I doubt she is going to become some golden child, esp if she is Ms Misery.

 

Maybe once she is there she will realise that she misses her friends and the weather etc etc and move back. Is she moving in with your parents?

 

True, SB. But that is also what annoys me. That her miserable life and attitude is going to bum out my folks. What parent wants to see their 45-year old child fail?

 

She thinks she's moving in with the BF, but he tells me he's dumping her once he moves here. I HOPE she hates it so much she'll move back...

 

Her arrival doesn't have to have a negative effect on your good R with your folks. Just be the bigger person if she ever tries to pull any BS and arrange to have time with them alone.

 

There has never been a time that she has come out to visit that she hasn't caused some drama. When she leaves, my folks always say they are happy she's gone...

 

I think you, your mom, dad, aunts, uncles, any other siblings or close relatives should get together, talk and maybe do an intervention and let her know that IF she plans on being in your lives and possibly living with her parents (your parents), then there are rules and boundries she MUST stick to and also make it CLEAR to her that she MUST be in counselling and be on medication.

 

Her depression is a vicious circle and she's been unwell and untreated for a long time. She's not capable of living a normal life, her choices are poor and set her back, get her into trouble, then more depression hits. It's a cycle that HAS to stop. Or atleast slow down so she can deal with her depression.

 

Suggest this to your parents, hopefully they'll agree and if possible, go to court so they CAN get your sister into a mental health facility so she can get the help she needs..

 

Unforunately, my Mom BELIEVES she is going to get her life straight when she comes out here. NO WAY do I believe it! So, I can't even reason with her on this issue.

 

My Dad has cancer, and the battle has been extremely trying for the three of us. She has been NO WHERE for most of it (which is fine, as I have handled things ok on my own). Now, in the 11th hour of his life and illness, it's like she shows up to disrupt everything. My issues with her are multi-faceted - I hate how she hurts my folks with her crappy choices, as you pointed out WWIU, and also I hate being around her, since she is so miserable. SHE, honestly, is the bigger cancer in our family.

[redfathom]

You sound very jealous of her...like you want all the credit and she is going to steal your thunder. I mean if you aren't taking care of your parents because you want the credit then who cares if she comes to help. If she is more trouble then help, explain that to her.

 

You are very concerned about YOUR life. Most of your sentences contain, I, Me, My, Mine...

 

I think you should have some sympathy about her BF situation; it's not fair for him to lead her on all the way to moving to a new town.

 

And if you mom wants here, well, that HER decision, you can't tell her how she should feel and you can't control her actions. Just be there for support, in a non judgmental kind of way.

 

You have to understand depression is not a choice. If she really is clinically depressed then she needs to seek the help of a doctor.

 

You folks need to learn that they can't control her choices and shouldn't be hurt unless of course they are directed at them...if she just can't get her life together that's her issue not yours or theirs.

[Jilly Bean]

You sound very jealous of her...like you want all the credit and she is going to steal your thunder. I mean if you aren't taking care of your parents because you want the credit then who cares if she comes to help. If she is more trouble then help, explain that to her.

 

You are very concerned about YOUR life. Most of your sentences contain, I, Me, My, Mine...

 

I think you should have some sympathy about her BF situation; it's not fair for him to lead her on all the way to moving to a new town.

 

And if you mom wants here, well, that HER decision, you can't tell her how she should feel and you can't control her actions. Just be there for support, in a non judgmental kind of way.

 

You have to understand depression is not a choice. If she really is clinically depressed then she needs to seek the help of a doctor.

 

You folks need to learn that they can't control her choices and shouldn't be hurt unless of course they are directed at them...if she just can't get her life together that's her issue not yours or theirs.

 

 

I don't think you read too much of what I wrote, since you got pretty much all of it wrong... lol

 

It really helps if you read a posting before responding to it.

[PrettyOdd]

Hello Jilly Bean. I am sorry to hear about all of the angst that you are experiencing.

 

I don't know the particulars of your sister's behavior (other than the fact that she is depressed), but IMHO the best way to handle tense situations is to realize that you cannot control her behavior, or your parent's behavior, or her boyfriend's behavior, only YOUR behavior. If she tries to cause drama, simply don't react (at least in a visible manner). It is your parent's choice on how they react to her. If everyone ignores her when she starts to act up, she'll find another target.

 

 

I honestly can't stand her, never could

 

SHE, honestly, is the bigger cancer in our family.

 

I would live very happily if I never saw her again,

 

I don't know what your sister has done to you, but from from reading the above quotes it sounds as though you have a lot of pent up anger towards her. Perhaps you should find a way to deal with this because you seem to be very worked up. I have had some of the same anger issues in my life and studying Jungian psychology has helped me to examine them and cope with them. One of the things that Jungian psychology states is that the things we can't stand about others are the very things we unconsciously despise about ourselves. This is a truism that bears examination, although it is not easy to do, trust me .

 

One last thing, if you TRULY want to stay out of the drama, you should cease your conversations about your sister with her boyfriend, no excuses. It is only going to cause more problems. If you need to vent about your sister, find a neutral third party who doesn't know her, and suggest the same to her boyfriend. As I said before, I don't know what your sister's past trangressions are, but talking about her behind her back to her boyfriend seems to me to be especially cruel, especially if she struggles with mental illness.

 

I sincerely hope that you will find a way to work through this.

[Citizen Erased]

I don't think you read too much of what I wrote, since you got pretty much all of it wrong... lol

 

It really helps if you read a posting before responding to it.

 

Sorry JB it is the impression i got too. And i made sure to read it all really carefully lol. While i don't think much about her and her treatment of your parents, as soon as you said you thought she would become the golden child i knew you were afraid of the attention going off you and onto her. I won't lecture you on your relationship with her, i know all about cutting family members out of my life, i guess you had better hope her boyfriend breaks up with her before she moves and decides to stay where she is.

[redfathom]

My clinically depressed, miserable, loser of a sister is still saying she is moving to town. I know this sounds harsh, but though I love her on some level, I really can't stand her. She is so derisive, manipulative, and causes my parents undue stress.

 

*** So I did read your post and will comment further to clairfy. Clinically depressed means she has been diagnosed with depression. Depression is a DISEASE. What you expect is like expecting someone who has one arm to play a violin. If she causes them so much stress then why did you mom ask her to come out? Maybe they want to mend their broken relationship for your dad's sake?

 

I moved closer to my folks years ago to help them through Dads illness. I gave up a very happy life to step up and be there for them. Hasn't been easy, but I have created a VERY lovely dynamic with my folks. I am their rock, their support, and do all I can for them.

 

**** This sounds resentful. Like you want to be their ONLY rock and support, but maybe what THEY need is your sisters support.

 

Sis is moving out here, as she has put her house up for sale. Her BF moves on here in a few weeks. He tells me he plans on (perhaps) breaking up with her when he moves here.

**** See I did comment that you seem to think your sister is a loser because her BF plans on breaking up with her after she uproots her life, leaves her friends, of which she will have non in her new town, not even family she can count on. And you feel sorry for her BF. He needs to be a man and break up with her before he moves. If not he's a horrible person.

Thing is, my folks aren't very jacked about her being here either. ANY time she has visited, she wreaks holy hell, as her depression causes all of us to fight, as she is so miserable to be around. You know those people that are like emotional vampires? That's her.

**** Her depression does not cause you to fight, you fight because you don't know any other way to react.

 

She hasn't worked in years, is about to have her house foreclosed on, and is moving here because 1) my Mom foolishly said she wanted her to, and 2) her BF is coming and she thinks they are going to be together.

**** You can't blame her for coming based on those two things. If anything I would think you would feel some compassion for her. I mean being told to uproot her life to move to be closer to a mom you claim does not want her around and a BF that is going to dump her, well, no wonder she is depressed.

I AM LIVID at the thought of her arrival. I honestly can't stand her, never could. I feel like my NEW happy little life that I have created is about to be majorly disrupted. My Mom is in denial, and says that she believes she will correct her life (I guess a parent has to think that), and that my folks plan on not asking her ANYTHING about her life when she gets here (what kind of relationship is THAT?).

**** You can't judge the type of relations your mom and dad have with your sister. It's THEIR relationship, not YOURS.

 

I have a doggy door relationship with my folks - I can drop by any time I like, and now with her around, I won't be doing that.

Also, I am WAY tweaked that I am the one who has logged the hard and difficult years, and now she thinks she's going to arrive at the 11th hour and be some type of golden child.

**** Again, so much resentment. Maybe you should discuss this with your sister and parents. No one should tell you how to feel, but it's not healthy.

I am trying to come up with ways to get her to NOT move here. But, I can't come up with anything.

 

So, I am trying to reconcile how to deal with this, when I know that she is going to bring so much misery, pain and sadness - as she always does. No one but me seems to think she will be WORSE here. She hates where we live, hates the weather, is leaving a place where she lived for 20 years, has a lot of friends, and loves it. She still wont have a job or will work (Im convinced).

**** So maybe the problem in this mess is you, everyone esle seems okay with her coming out here.

 

I'm truly pissed off and worried about how much my life is going to change when she shows up. AND the lives of my folks. ALL for the worst...

**** How about how much her life is going to change. She is moving to a town where no one seems to even like her and her BF is going to dump her...again, how about some compassion.

 

What do I do?

[redfathom]

Citizen...where did you get your avatar? It makes me laugh everytime I see it .

[Kamille]

Yes there is change coming and you might not like it.

 

A friend of mine is currently reading the power of now, and she's really good at keeping me in check when I try to predict outcomes.

 

The fact is, you aren't doing neither you nor your sister a service by pretending to know what it will be like once she gets there.

 

Since you already feel you know what will happen once she gets there, you'll likely pay attention to whatever behaviors meet your predicted outcomes and ignore behaviors that might otherwise help her out of her depression.

 

My question is: why is she depressed? What kind of help is she getting for that? I'm not saying you should be the one to help her out - in fact it's clear you should get involved as little as possible in your sister's life, but her depression seems to be the root of most the problems.

[Jilly Bean]

Hello Jilly Bean. I am sorry to hear about all of the angst that you are experiencing.

 

I don't know the particulars of your sister's behavior (other than the fact that she is depressed), but IMHO the best way to handle tense situations is to realize that you cannot control her behavior, or your parent's behavior, or her boyfriend's behavior, only YOUR behavior. If she tries to cause drama, simply don't react (at least in a visible manner). It is your parent's choice on how they react to her. If everyone ignores her when she starts to act up, she'll find another target.

 

 

I do have a lot of anger towards her, for sure. Mainly because she has caused my parents a LOT of pain. She has always been the problem child in the family. At least once a year, for about 10 straight, she would tell my parents she was no longer going to allow them into her life because of a variety of reasons. For a while it was because she felt they favored me (true, but warranted), then it was that she was hating on my brother for some absurd issue, etc. It's ALWAYS been something with her. Having her live states away was fine, but now with the threat of her arrival looming, it's stressful.

 

I'm not a parent, so of course I would just write her off. My Dad has all but done that with her, and won't take her calls anymore or return her messages. He's just DONE. Mom sees it to a degree, yet as a Mom, she is still hopeful that she will *right* herself in some way.

 

Because of my sisters life-long mental illnesses, and her constant emotional blackmail of my parents, she has gotten away with a LOT more than she should, IMO. I am very protective of my folks, and have worked SO hard to help maintain a nice bubble of happiness around us. Her arrival burst that WIDE open.

 

You have to understand that those around her are just tired of the antics, the misery, the negativity, and the apathy.

 

Mom told me she told her she didn't need to move out here at all. She's just not getting the hints...

 

And the Jungian theory really doesn't apply here. I resent her for giving up on her life, and therefore causing my folks tangential pain. I have always had a successful career, and have not suffered from the afflictions she has. So no, I'm hardly looking in a mirror. If anything, I am REALLY mad at her for giving up on herself and the once beautiful life she had. My family are all over-achievers, and we don't tolerate this kind of life well...

[shadowplay]

Wow, it's obvious reading your post you have a ton of unhealthy anger toward your sister that needs to be resolved. I think it's really sad that you would call your sister a "loser," no matter how messed up she is.

 

If you resolve this, it will be much easier for you to be in her presence without flying off the handle.

 

Unless she's been abusive, you should realize that the amount of anger and resentment you feel towards her is not normal.

 

She obviously has many problems of her own, but your anger towards her is also a destructive and unhealthy force. It feeds the dysfunctional dynamic between her and your family (of which you are a part).

 

I wonder where all this springs from. Were you guys competitive with each other growing up? Did you compete for parental approval?

 

If your parents feel the same way about her as you do, maybe some of her depression stems from feeling rejected by her family. Perhaps this is why she is acting out, especially if her feeling of rejection is rooted deep in childhood.

 

You need to recognize the part you play in this and correct it if you can.

[Jilly Bean]

Yes there is change coming and you might not like it.

 

A friend of mine is currently reading the power of now, and she's really good at keeping me in check when I try to predict outcomes.

 

The fact is, you aren't doing neither you nor your sister a service by pretending to know what it will be like once she gets there.

 

Since you already feel you know what will happen once she gets there, you'll likely pay attention to whatever behaviors meet your predicted outcomes and ignore behaviors that might otherwise help her out of her depression.

 

My question is: why is she depressed? What kind of help is she getting for that? I'm not saying you should be the one to help her out - in fact it's clear you should get involved as little as possible in your sister's life, but her depression seems to be the root of most the problems.

 

Oh, K, she's been clinically severely depressed for over 20 years. She hasn't worked in over 3, and refuses ANY kind of treatment. She is about to lose her house to foreclosure, which is part of the reason for the move. Her BF is moving here to get away from her. He won't tell her they are done NOW, as he is afraid she would do something drastic. He told me today that she knows they won't live together when she moves here, yet she is telling Mom that she is. So, not sure on the disconnect there...

 

Historically, she has come to see my folks about once or twice a year. Any time she does, all hell breaks lose. EVEN if I am not in town. She just causes them a LOT of pain. No parent likes to see their kid as a total loser, so when she visits, she sleeps all day, and mopes around. When she leaves, it is like a weight is lifted, and once again the jubilation returns.

 

The others times she hasn't been around, has been because she has written my parents off for some ridiculous reason. THIS has caused them unreal pain. Who does this to parents in their 70's and one who has a terminal disease and is struggling with chemo and it's horrible side effects? She just likes to blame everyone around her for her problems, rather than take responsibility.

 

Bottom line, though I know I shouldn't predict the outcome, I can only judge based off of history and old behaviors. She is a drain to my parents and provides no happiness or support whatsoever.

 

Though Mom has tried to tell her not to come, Sis is not getting it. Mom told her yesterday that she doesn't need to come out here for HER, that she can provide support long-distance. Dad said they just don't plan on seeing her much if she does come. Bleh.

 

It's just a mess, and I am praying she stays where she is and doesn't bring the pain and the drama.

[Jilly Bean]

Unless she's been abusive, you should realize that the amount of anger and resentment you feel towards her is not normal.

 

If your parents feel the same way about her as you do, maybe some of her depression stems from feeling rejected by her family. Perhaps this is why she is acting out, especially if her feeling of rejection is rooted deep in childhood.

 

She is exceptionally abusive, Shadow. That is also part of the problem. She is 45, and still blaming my parents for her crappy life. So, she will send them these letters telling them how they have screwed her up, randomly shuts them out of her life entirely and won't talk to them for months on end. My parents then reach out to her as they don't want to spend their final years with a child hating them. She just manipulates the crap out of them emotionally.

 

She was rejected by the family because she chose to alienate herself from us. She would call two days before Thanksgiving, and announce she wouldn't be coming, as the family was "too toxic". How do you think that made my parents feel?

 

Her depression is chemical, but her excuse is to blame the entire family for her misery.

 

My Dad has NEVER liked her, and they have never gotten along. I have always been my Dad's favorite. Dad and I are very much alike. We both need to be around happy people. Just her mere energy is enough to bum anyone out.

 

I do realize it's not healthy. Believe me, I am trying to work to a place where I can NOT feel so stressed about her coming.

[shadowplay]

My clinically depressed, miserable, loser of a sister is still saying she is moving to town. I know this sounds harsh, but though I love her on some level, I really can't stand her. She is so derisive, manipulative, and causes my parents undue stress.

 

*** So I did read your post and will comment further to clairfy. Clinically depressed means she has been diagnosed with depression. Depression is a DISEASE. What you expect is like expecting someone who has one arm to play a violin. If she causes them so much stress then why did you mom ask her to come out? Maybe they want to mend their broken relationship for your dad's sake?

 

 

I moved closer to my folks years ago to help them through Dads illness. I gave up a very happy life to step up and be there for them. Hasn't been easy, but I have created a VERY lovely dynamic with my folks. I am their rock, their support, and do all I can for them.

 

**** This sounds resentful. Like you want to be their ONLY rock and support, but maybe what THEY need is your sisters support.

 

 

Sis is moving out here, as she has put her house up for sale. Her BF moves on here in a few weeks. He tells me he plans on (perhaps) breaking up with her when he moves here.

**** See I did comment that you seem to think your sister is a loser because her BF plans on breaking up with her after she uproots her life, leaves her friends, of which she will have non in her new town, not even family she can count on. And you feel sorry for her BF. He needs to be a man and break up with her before he moves. If not he's a horrible person.

 

Thing is, my folks aren't very jacked about her being here either. ANY time she has visited, she wreaks holy hell, as her depression causes all of us to fight, as she is so miserable to be around. You know those people that are like emotional vampires? That's her.

**** Her depression does not cause you to fight, you fight because you don't know any other way to react.

 

She hasn't worked in years, is about to have her house foreclosed on, and is moving here because 1) my Mom foolishly said she wanted her to, and 2) her BF is coming and she thinks they are going to be together.

**** You can't blame her for coming based on those two things. If anything I would think you would feel some compassion for her. I mean being told to uproot her life to move to be closer to a mom you claim does not want her around and a BF that is going to dump her, well, no wonder she is depressed.

 

I AM LIVID at the thought of her arrival. I honestly can't stand her, never could. I feel like my NEW happy little life that I have created is about to be majorly disrupted. My Mom is in denial, and says that she believes she will correct her life (I guess a parent has to think that), and that my folks plan on not asking her ANYTHING about her life when she gets here (what kind of relationship is THAT?).

**** You can't judge the type of relations your mom and dad have with your sister. It's THEIR relationship, not YOURS.

 

I have a doggy door relationship with my folks - I can drop by any time I like, and now with her around, I won't be doing that.

 

Also, I am WAY tweaked that I am the one who has logged the hard and difficult years, and now she thinks she's going to arrive at the 11th hour and be some type of golden child.

**** Again, so much resentment. Maybe you should discuss this with your sister and parents. No one should tell you how to feel, but it's not healthy.

 

I am trying to come up with ways to get her to NOT move here. But, I can't come up with anything.

 

So, I am trying to reconcile how to deal with this, when I know that she is going to bring so much misery, pain and sadness - as she always does. No one but me seems to think she will be WORSE here. She hates where we live, hates the weather, is leaving a place where she lived for 20 years, has a lot of friends, and loves it. She still wont have a job or will work (Im convinced).

**** So maybe the problem in this mess is you, everyone esle seems okay with her coming out here.

 

I'm truly pissed off and worried about how much my life is going to change when she shows up. AND the lives of my folks. ALL for the worst...

**** How about how much her life is going to change. She is moving to a town where no one seems to even like her and her BF is going to dump her...again, how about some compassion.

 

What do I do?

 

I agree with this post wholeheartedly. I can understand how you probably feel like you're at the end of your line after dealing with her for all these years, but I believe you'd be a lot happier if you let go of the anger. Just let go and detach.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

I read your original thread about your sister. I can see why you are so stressed! She just takes no responsibility for herself. And why is the boyfriend moving with her, only to dump her? That makes no sense and will certainly cause more disruption once it happens.

 

Is your mother in denial as to the severity of sister's depression?

 

I think you are worried about your relationship with your parents being disrupted. Have you told them your concerns?

[shadowplay]

She is exceptionally abusive, Shadow. That is also part of the problem. She is 45, and still blaming my parents for her crappy life. So, she will send them these letters telling them how they have screwed her up, randomly shuts them out of her life entirely and won't talk to them for months on end. My parents then reach out to her as they don't want to spend their final years with a child hating them. She just manipulates the crap out of them emotionally.

 

She was rejected by the family because she chose to alienate herself from us. She would call two days before Thanksgiving, and announce she wouldn't be coming, as the family was "too toxic". How do you think that made my parents feel?

 

Her depression is chemical, but her excuse is to blame the entire family for her misery.

 

My Dad has NEVER liked her, and they have never gotten along. I have always been my Dad's favorite. Dad and I are very much alike. We both need to be around happy people. Just her mere energy is enough to bum anyone out.

 

I do realize it's not healthy. Believe me, I am trying to work to a place where I can NOT feel so stressed about her coming.

 

Nothing's ever one-sided. From what you've described here both sides have played a role. It sounds like your sister has a lot of anger towards your parents because she felt like she was unfairly demonized or rejected as a child (at least by your father).

 

Now she chooses to express that anger in destructive ways by acting out and being emotionally manipulative. The only way to stop the cycle is for your family and sister to talk about and resolve these issues. Have you guys ever tried family counseling? Even if just you and she went together it would be productive.

[whichwayisup]

Mom told me she told her she didn't need to move out here at all. She's just not getting the hints...

 

Then your mom has to tell her and not hint.

 

Bottomline - If your mom is in denial about your sister's depression - This will continue to be a problem. Your sister will ALWAYS suffer from this disease and chances are, she has had this for a long time, possibly since childhood (which could explain her behaviour, and fact that she wasn't treated way back when) and this is her life.

 

I'm sure your sister is bloody miserable and hates herself. But, she cannot help herself either, this is what she knows - And is comfortable with. Yes it sucks to have to deal with the fallout of someone who is depressed, but alot of it is the disease.

[Star Gazer]

I don't have any advice to offer, JB. Certainly sounds like a tough situation to be in.

 

Is there any way you can try to be indifferent towards her?

[redfathom]

I don't think telling them about your concerns is fair to them, you, or your sister. It's for them to decide what relationship they have with you and her. If your relationship with your parents is stong, then her being here won't change that. It's like there your dolls and you won't share them with her. Or your afraid if you share them they will like her better. I bet some of the reason they don't want to see her has to do with your influence.

 

Maybe your sister feels this way because your parents have never addressed why she feels that they screwed up her life. Maybe they need to discuss that with her, with out you there to influence their conversation.

 

How can a father NEVER like their child, sounds like they did screw her over. What's the point of her trying so hard to please them when they won't like her either way, becasue they never did. Honestly, how do you think she feels. Her dad hates her, her sister hates her, her mom doesn't want her around.

 

You all sound toxic. And you sound like you need to get over yourself...I mean WTF! You sound so spoiled, do you ever take anyones feelings into consideration besides your own. Mind your own f***ing business. Again, it's your parents relationship, they need to step up to the plate on this, with out you there to tell them how to react, think or feel.

 

Sorry, to go off, but you just pissed me off.

 

I bet you're going to sleep with her BF when he moves out here if you have not already done that..."because he's such a great guy." Regardless of the fact he is leading her on.

[sunshinegirl]

I am very surprised by your vitriol, Jilly Bean. And your apparent blindness to the MANY sides of dysfunction within your family.

 

From what you've said, it sounds like everyone in the family has formed some kind of united front against her, and she has become THE problem, THE scapegoat, THE reason why everyone else is in pain.

 

As others have said, family dynamics are never that simple. I cannot fathom how a father could have NEVER loved his child. Like, when she was an infant he hated her? How awful on your father's part! How would you feel if, instead of being your daddy's favorite, he disliked YOU instead of your sister?

 

The thing you seem blind to is that all of you are simply reinforcing the existing dynamics within the family. Your sister acts in a certain, predictable way, and you all react in certain, predictable ways, and she reacts in predictable ways. Round and round you go, hating each other more and more each round.

 

I guess you need to decide what role you want to play in this drama as it unfolds further - the one you've been playing so far? Or something different?

 

If you take the really, really, really long view, is this how you want to remember your sister and your family dynamic? If not, what moves, however small, can YOU make to start shifting and changing things?

[Star Gazer]

You all sound toxic. And you sound like you need to get over yourself...I mean WTF! You sound so spoiled, do you ever take anyones feelings into consideration besides your own. Mind your own f***ing business. Again, it's your parents relationship, they need to step up to the plate on this, with out you there to tell them how to react, think or feel.

 

With all due respect, it's perfectly reasonable for Jilly to be concerned about the impact anyone will have on her parents' lives and sanity, even if that person is her sister.

 

I bet you're going to sleep with her BF when he moves out here if you have not already done that..."because he's such a great guy." Regardless of the fact he is leading her on.

 

That's just utter nonsense.