Depressed Sister is Moving to Our Town

[Jilly Bean]

Smoking craps peeps! Unless you have dealt with a mentally ill person (who is not stable) who is a major part of your life......you have no idea what it is like. I can only guess that the ones who have shown disdain to Jilly B are fortunate enough not to have experienced that. It is an energy, emotionally draining existence.

 

Just because someone is a family member doesn't mean you have to love them, support them, see them, put up with their iniquities! (That last one pertains to my personal family issues.)

 

Unfortunately, it seems that Jilly B's family doesn't abide by my last paragraph. And that is not unusual. Family tends to blame themselves for mental health problems even when it is not warranted. Therefore, they try to persevere in bringing the family member to a "normal life".

 

It seems to me that Jilly B realizes that her & her family's attempts in the past have been futile to help sis with her MH issues. It's not surprising that they may say ƒuck it! One can only take so much.

 

Jilly B, I don't have the answer in your situation because MH is such a difficult illness to be dealt with and each situation is unique. And your parents are at an age where they should be content in knowing their adult children are self sufficient & will carry on their heritage. I can only tell you that I empathise with you and I understand your viewpoint of the situation with the information you have given.

 

I wish U well. =^-^=

 

Thank you for the empathy! I honestly am amazed that few others have the same type of person residing in their family as well. As you said, unless you live with it, you can't understand it. I am sure my position sounds very harsh, but until you survive years of the drama and misery, you can't understand how this erodes at a family dynamic.

 

I truly have a pit in my stomach ANY time she comes out, even for a visit. I just know how miserable everyone will be when she comes. Last time she visited, she had a headcold (she is sick truly, about once a month), so, she moped around with her head hung, slept, while her BF, Mom, Dad and I played in the pool. It was horrible. I just know to expect MORE of that...

 

Thanks again for the shout out.

 

I also agree that family you don't chose, so where is the obligation? Particularly if a member is so NOT a member?

[Jilly Bean]

My father was clinically depressed for years, and I for one also don't think that JB's attitude is awesome. It is not easy dealing with people who suffer from mental illnesses, but you need to understand that it is , in fact, an illness. No charactre flaw, no personal failing. It doesn't make her a loser. It makes her a very ill person.

 

Well, my Dad was bipolar and unmedicated and untreated for my entire life growing up. Back then, these things weren't so in vogue and readily treated. Thing was, he was still productive. We still lived lives. Yes, we all side-stepped his illness as best we could, but even in his darkest of days, he never gave up on himself, or his family.

 

Dad was not, as is not a loser. He was someone who was mentally ill.

 

Sis, on the other hand, IS a loser. She refuses treatment, refuses to get well, and refuses to live a life that extends beyond her condo.

 

My Dad's illness growing up was painful and confusing, but not nearly as toxic as my sisters has been to the family. I just don't think everyone can get that. I would enumerate years and years of situations, but it would be a very long read. lol.

 

I think as Ms. Red said - unless and until you live with this type of person in your family, you can't understand the extreme resentment and disappointment.

 

One of my former lead dancers is exceptionally talented. He has won numerous awards, is very in demand, and has brought in a lot of $$$ for my studio because of his name alone. But, he is also one of the most born miserable people I have ever met. Whenever we had group meetings, he would always be the one to stop conversation and a good dialogue just with one, cutting, biting, vicious comment. He was derisive. So, even though I LOVED his gift and what he brought business-wise, I had to cut him loose, as he was draining the life out of the other dancers and ruining our (otherwise) content and fabulous dynamic.

 

It's really the same thing.

[redfathom]

I have been telling my parents for YEARS that there isn't a bone in my body that doesn't believe she will try to screw me out of my share.

 

Is this really why you don't want her to come? It's your parents money to do with it as they please. If they want to give it to her, you or charity, that's for them to decide.

 

You have not even given any example of how she makes everyone miserable. Except to say she was moppy because she had a head cold and slept while you all had fun in the pool...

[Jilly Bean]

Do what you think is right to protect your folks.

 

And I shall, thanks! Thing is, they are still very sound in mind, and don't have the same entirely low opinion of her that I do (Ted Bundy's mother was still saying he was a good boy on the day of his execution, mind you - lol). Yes, they do acknowledge her life has been a waste, and that she is severely ill, but they are also so tired of dealing with her antics, that they just want peace in the family at this point in their lives, and if that means turning a blind eye to her and ignoring how she lives her life, then that is what they will do.

 

They feel a lot of responsibility and guilt for her life, as this is what she has made them feel through the years. So, they vacillate on how they feel about her. It just means that their viewpoint is muddied quite a bit.

 

But again, thanks.

[shadowplay]

Is your sister bipolar as well? Has her illness been diagnosed as anything more than depression?

[Jilly Bean]

Is your sister bipolar as well? Has her illness been diagnosed as anything more than depression?

 

I would consider her remotely borderline bi-polar, but really more severely depressed. Most bi-polars tend to have longer swings of the highs and lows (at least Dad did). She will have a VERY short window of being up, like maybe a few days, and then back to the dumps. Most days, she is just mean, controlling, complains incessantly (and not in the normal chick way we all do - lol), and is generally profoundly negative.

[redfathom]

"generally profoundly negative"

 

What does she have to be positive about?

[Nevermind]

I think as Ms. Red said - unless and until you live with this type of person in your family, you can't understand the extreme resentment and disappointment.

Jilly: My father didn't get treatment for years, he abused alcohol, was choleric, angst ridden etc. He was not a father figure to me between the age of 8-19. I know how it is to live with somebody who refuses treatment, how a family can tiptoe around somebody, how resentment grows.

 

I don't know your sister, obviously. So, you have to do what you think is right.

 

Mental illnesses often cause lot's of resentment from the people around the patient. But it is an illness, and most of the things you descripe are just symptoms of that. It's hard to see, but often people are angry at the illness and take it out on the patient.

[Micki]

This sums up how you feel about her. I feel sad for you that you feel this away about your own sister, no matter what she has done. EVERY human being has value!

 

 

 

Look at this quote carefully. Can you not see the ways that you and your parents are participating in this family drama and scapegoating your sister?

 

 

 

 

I completely agree with you here. She needs to take responsibility and get help. However, she just keeps running back to the same people who caused her wounds in the first place, expecting THEM to heal her instead of finding other ways to heal. If I were your sister, I would stay far away from your parents and live my own life and find my own happiness. Because whether you want to face it or not, your descriptions of your family all point to dysfunction and abuse. You are the favorite and your dad has never liked your sister. This is not okay, at least not in an emotionally healthy family.

 

I hope that you can find in your heart to look beyond the familial bias and see that your sister does have a place in the family, and she is of value. When your parents are gone all you will have is each other.

 

I know that this is completely off topic and that you were trying to remedy a sibling’s relationship, but I disagree that when a person’s parents die, that all they have are their sibling or siblings. That may be true, but you also have cousins, friends, aunts, uncles, spouses, nieces, nephews, your children, maybe even grandkids and in-laws. Siblings aren’t the only people who care for each other or help each other. I just don’t understand why when some people want to uplift sibling relationships they always want to ignore or devalue other people in the person’s (or sibling's) life such as friends, cousins, aunts/uncles, etc.

 

Some people don’t have siblings and some may have had a sibling or siblings who may have died. I think it’s kinda cruel to tell them that unless they have a sibling, they have no one, since a sibling will be "all they have" after their parents die. I have a cousin right now, who is homeless, and whose parents have died, and his 3 siblings do nothing for him. In fact, the most help he has ever received is from cousins, uncles, aunts, and friends. He lives with his best friend, because his brother did not want him living with him, and his sister said he could only stay for a couple of weeks. His other sister is in jail. I also have a neighbor who has a sick mother, and my neighbor has to pratically beg his brother to help him take care of their sick mother; however, his wife and 2 cousins help him out all the time, so, obviously, he can't depend on his own brother to help him with their own mother. My neighbor had to depend on non-siblings, but I do know situations where people do have help from siblings, but they also have help from other people who are not siblings, such as friends, spouses, cousins, aunts, uncles, significant others, even in-laws, so that’s not true that siblings are all (or the only ones) a person has when their parents are gone. I understand what you were trying to say, but I just don't like when other relationships are put down, sacrificed, or viewed as unimportant in order to build up a sibling relationship.

[Jilly Bean]

Jilly: My father didn't get treatment for years, he abused alcohol, was choleric, angst ridden etc. He was not a father figure to me between the age of 8-19. I know how it is to live with somebody who refuses treatment, how a family can tiptoe around somebody, how resentment grows.

 

I don't know your sister, obviously. So, you have to do what you think is right.

 

Mental illnesses often cause lot's of resentment from the people around the patient. But it is an illness, and most of the things you descripe are just symptoms of that. It's hard to see, but often people are angry at the illness and take it out on the patient.

 

Exactly. So, you know what it's like. Thanks for sharing your story...

 

If she tried to get help, I would have a LOT more sympathy for her, believe me. She says she will, from time to time, but that's really just to appease everyone. She never does... So, I don't blame the illness, I still can't understand why she REFUSES any type of help. Her BF told me about 6 months ago, a bunch of her friends and him had a bit of an intervention. That bombed. I offered recently to spend the $40k to put her in a treatment facility she has been in before. Refused. Folks have offered referrals to docs who do wonders with drug cocktails, etc. Refused.

[Nevermind]

Then tell her she cannot come until she seeks treatment. You have to put up a front against her, though. Your mother needs to say it, too. But in a matter-of-fact tone, no accusations. She will never respond to those.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

 

If she tried to get help, I would have a LOT more sympathy for her, believe me. She says she will, from time to time, but that's really just to appease everyone. She never does... So, I don't blame the illness, I still can't understand why she REFUSES any type of help. Her BF told me about 6 months ago, a bunch of her friends and him had a bit of an intervention. That bombed. I offered recently to spend the $40k to put her in a treatment facility she has been in before. Refused. Folks have offered referrals to docs who do wonders with drug cocktails, etc. Refused.

 

Ugh, this is so horrible, and out of my realm of understanding.

 

When I was in my early 20s I had a bout of severe depression. I could barely get out of bed and I had the most difficult time making the simplest decisions. I HATED feeling like this. It was difficult getting to the doc to begin any kind of treatment, because I thought it was useless. Typical thought pattern. However, I also thought, well can't hurt to try. What if it does work? Anything to change this awful state of mind. And of course it did. My life improved dramatically with medication and therapy.

 

Your sister is SO LUCKY to have family members who are willing to foot the bill to take care of this problem. How many people out there do not have health insurance? How many would like to get help but have no money/family assistance?

 

Geez, I don't know this woman and I'm annoyed with her.

[Jilly Bean]

Geez, I don't know this woman and I'm annoyed with her.

 

Welcome to my world, CB. And THANK YOU.

 

Annoyed, frustrated... you would feel all those emotions.

 

NEVERMIND - my Mom, as a Mom, tells me she cannot tell her flat out not to come. She told her earlier this week that she DOESN'T need to come out to support her - she can do that over the phone and be just as effective. She will only hint, as she can't bring herself to hurt sis like that.

 

I'd have no problem tell her, however. lol

[shadowplay]

The fact is your sister will probably never change. If she was in her twenties, she would have a much greater chance...but people her age are pretty much set in their ways. That, and the fact that she refuses to get treatment.

 

So maybe the best approach is to just accept the fact that she is the way she is. When you look at it that way, being angry at her is wasted energy that will only add to the drama. Plus it probably feeds her destructive habits. The angrier you are the more she has to push against. Just detach.

 

Good luck.

[Jilly Bean]

Thanks, Shadow.

 

Yes, I feel far less angry that I was when I posted the thread. I've worked through it, and have come to accept whatever happens.

 

In the grand scheme of things, I have larger fish to fry these days, and her potential arrival will have to fall down the priority pole a bit.

 

Agreed she is set, and agreed she probably won't change. I guess I can find something else to do with that 40k - lol.

 

If she does come, I will just manage to it when it happens.

 

Thanks for stopping in...

[shadowplay]

Thanks, Shadow.

 

Yes, I feel far less angry that I was when I posted the thread. I've worked through it, and have come to accept whatever happens.

 

In the grand scheme of things, I have larger fish to fry these days, and her potential arrival will have to fall down the priority pole a bit.

 

Agreed she is set, and agreed she probably won't change. I guess I can find something else to do with that 40k - lol.

 

If she does come, I will just manage to it when it happens.

 

Thanks for stopping in...

 

Cool, I'm glad to hear you're feeling better.

 

Expect that when you see her again you'll experience bouts of anger, but try to keep them in check and stay as uninvolved as possible.

[vintagecat]

I agree with what Shadow has to say about this for the most part. Get into counseling to deal with whatever part you have to deal with this change in a mature and non-injurious fashion.

 

Try not to be too happy about your sister's misery whether self inflicted or not (such as bf breaking it off) because though she sounds like a miserable human being and wholly self centered as well, she has enough on her plate without you heaping scorn and a s**tload of stored up anger on her overflowing pile.

 

And try not to brace for the impact, you get more injuries tensing for the inevitable and it's just wasted energy. You are going to need all the energy that you have for this.

 

Finally if this is about inheritance, sigh, I suggest getting an attorney or your brother if he's healthy and neutral to be the executor of your parent's estate. Express your concerns to your parents and try not to pitch yourself as a responsible party to do the job as that will be a bad move at the end. You are not sufficiently neutral to do the job in your sister's stead I'm afraid based upon your posts. I know this from having our stupid family torn apart in my mother's generation over inheritance. It was years of pent up grievances and greed that tore the fabric of our family apart to never be repaired over the remains of an estate I'm sorry to say.

 

Good luck to you.