jonesec Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 What are your thoughts on a woman popping the question instead of the guy? I am in a relationship where I know he wants to marry at some point, but I am the type of person that wants to know when he is going to do it, if not tell him when would be perfect. I don't want to take this moment from him, and I do look forward to him asking me, but I was toying with the thought of taking things into my own hands. Let me know what your thoughts and experiences are! Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 What are your thoughts on a woman popping the question instead of the guy? I am in a relationship where I know he wants to marry at some point, but I am the type of person that wants to know when he is going to do it, if not tell him when would be perfect. I don't want to take this moment from him, and I do look forward to him asking me, but I was toying with the thought of taking things into my own hands. Let me know what your thoughts and experiences are! Are you a liberated woman? Are you confident? Are you independant? Can you talk? If you answer yes to all those.. then I think you can pop the question... But what's the rush... enjoy what you have now.. it will probably 'change' after.. Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 It's a judgement call on the guy involved. If my wife had proposed (and I survived the shock) I would have gotten a kick out of it. Some guys feel the need to be the asker, tho. In general, there is nothing wrong with ya proposing! I say go fer it! Link to post Share on other sites
Touche Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 I guess I'm old fashioned. I'd let him do the asking. You say you don't want to take the "moment away from him." But if you ask that's exactly what you'll be doing. Link to post Share on other sites
jerbear Posted July 22, 2008 Share Posted July 22, 2008 You know, I am all for a woman proposing. It sure beats some of the wishy washy behavior of some women and how is relates to guys' mind reading abilities. Maybe I'm laid back but I have no problems with a woman proposing. It has not happened to me, yet. Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I don't know, I think I wouldn't have the guts to do it myself. Also, it DOES take the moment from the guy, I mean that's the most special thing a guy can do in a relationship! If you think he'll say yes then go for it. Is he the type of man who would WANT to do it himself? Cause if he is you'd be totally stealing his thunder. Link to post Share on other sites
Tyra Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 My thoughts for a woman to propose to a man is the same if it's the other way around. It doesn't matter. But I think that it'll be more special for him to do it. You said that he's going to marry you at some point, so why not wait, and be surprised? He may have it planned out already. So I would wait for him. But if your patience start to weigh in too much, then go for it! Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I guess I'm too much of a traditionalist because I think the idea of a woman proposing to a guy is at the top of the list of Incredibly Bad Ideas. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Why are you in such a hurry that you can't wait for him to ask you? Link to post Share on other sites
Lauriebell82 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Why are you in such a hurry that you can't wait for him to ask you? Yeah i'm wondering the same thing. Usually guys who are ready to get married and ready propose do. Those who aren't don't. So if he isn't asking you, he most likely isn't ready. How long have you been together by the way? Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonesec Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 We've been together 2 3/4 yrs. I'm not thinking of proposing any time soon. The thought just popped into my head and wondered how people would react. The negative feel surprised me, but it makes sense. We're in a long distance relationship, and I'm still finishing up school so i told him that I would not like to be engaged will still in school. We do talk about marriage, and we're on the same page, and if anything, he is more ready than me. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 We've been together 2 3/4 yrs. I'm not thinking of proposing any time soon. The thought just popped into my head and wondered how people would react. The negative feel surprised me, but it makes sense. We're in a long distance relationship, and I'm still finishing up school so i told him that I would not like to be engaged will still in school. We do talk about marriage, and we're on the same page, and if anything, he is more ready than me. Well if he's more ready than you why are you thinking about taking matters into your own hands and proposing to him first? Link to post Share on other sites
hotpinklove85 Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 as bad as I want to get married, I would never have the confidence to propose to to him. GOOD LUCK Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Love and people are a very fickle and confusing thing. Some people say that a woman has every right and should propose sometimes and others say you are basically playing Russian Roulette with your relationship by doing so. And the truth is both are right and wrong and this is why it IS important that you discuss these things with your partner. So, what I would suggest is this, first find out what is his feelings about women proposing to men and how would you feel if a woman proposed to him (now if you want to have a ring for him and do it right then and there if he saids "Yes."). If he isn't one to want a woman to propose to him, DISCUSS a timeline for yourself and find out his timeline and see if something can be compromised. Yes, one might think it takes some of the spontaneity that many people desire, but then again your not playing with your own goals and waisting time with a guy who is not on the same page with you. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 25, 2008 Share Posted July 25, 2008 Love and people are a very fickle and confusing thing. Some people say that a woman has every right and should propose sometimes and others say you are basically playing Russian Roulette with your relationship by doing so. And the truth is both are right and wrong and this is why it IS important that you discuss these things with your partner. So, what I would suggest is this, first find out what is his feelings about women proposing to men and how would you feel if a woman proposed to him (now if you want to have a ring for him and do it right then and there if he saids "Yes."). If he isn't one to want a woman to propose to him, DISCUSS a timeline for yourself and find out his timeline and see if something can be compromised. Yes, one might think it takes some of the spontaneity that many people desire, but then again your not playing with your own goals and waisting time with a guy who is not on the same page with you. DNR The problem with that idea is that a lot of people don't know their own minds. He might say he's ok with it, but when it actually happens, he realizes it bugs him more than he thought it would. Or he may not answer honestly in order to avoid upsetting her. This is something that might come back to bite her later when one of his buddies talks about proposing to his gf and he feels like something was taken away from him. I don't think it's Russian Roulette by waiting for the guy to make the move because getting engaged isn't a secret that is kept from guys, or some novel idea that only occurs to a few. If they don't propose, it's not because they hadn't thought of the idea or anything. I'm guessing that if a woman feels motivated to propose to her bf, then they probably already have a relationship where he doesn't make decisions quick enough for her, or she doesn't trust his judgement. This is a bad sign to begin with and it'll cause big problems down the road. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 The problem with that idea is that a lot of people don't know their own minds. He might say he's ok with it, but when it actually happens, he realizes it bugs him more than he thought it would. Or he may not answer honestly in order to avoid upsetting her. This is something that might come back to bite her later when one of his buddies talks about proposing to his gf and he feels like something was taken away from him. Love is one of those great adventures. And yes there is always a possibility that he may change his mind. What you seem like your looking for is a crystal ball into his self. If this woman who is around him does not know this, how can you say how he will react? All I am saying is she has to decide to take the chance or not and what comes of it. I don't think it's Russian Roulette by waiting for the guy to make the move because getting engaged isn't a secret that is kept from guys, or some novel idea that only occurs to a few. If they don't propose, it's not because they hadn't thought of the idea or anything. Really? How many men and women waited and waited and waited only to spend years with a person REALLY wanting to get married and do things a certain way, but settled? And what if HE is waiting for her to make the serious move? Is he wrong for that? Now said it is a secret kept from guys or that it was novel? All I ams saying is that she has as much a right to make a move and propose as a man does and I gave her an idea how to do it. Nothing more nothing less. I'm guessing that if a woman feels motivated to propose to her bf, then they probably already have a relationship where he doesn't make decisions quick enough for her, or she doesn't trust his judgement. This is a bad sign to begin with and it'll cause big problems down the road. How about they do have that trust in his decision? What if it is a relationship where they both feel that there is no gender based actions? I have known several relationships where the woman loved being the one to pay for things and ask the guy out and stuff like that that the world so foolishly thinks it is a man's thing to do. Now I do agree if she is doing things because she does not trust him, then no, she should not be with him at all because such feelings normally do dissipate. So far, I am not reading into her mistrusting him or that he is not making a decision quick enough for her. She just sounds like she is ready and is thinking that she should let him know how she feels and what she wants. Is that not what asking a person to marry all about? Letting them know you are ready and to find out if they are? DNR Don't be discouraged by the nay sayers. But, that does not mean the yea sayers are right either. But listen to the words they say, find the wisdom and understanding you are looking for and above all things, move with intent and clear vision and think about it before you leap. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I guess I'm too much of a traditionalist because I think the idea of a woman proposing to a guy is at the top of the list of Incredibly Bad Ideas. I'm not a traditionalist and I also think it's a bad idea. If a guy wants to marry you, he will propose. If he hasn't proposed, it usually means he doesn't want to get married. So proposing will in most cases be a disaster. There might be exceptions for passive guys who are dating assertive women, but in general it's better to let the guy propose I think. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I'm not a traditionalist and I also think it's a bad idea. If a guy wants to marry you, he will propose. If he hasn't proposed, it usually means he doesn't want to get married. So proposing will in most cases be a disaster. There might be exceptions for passive guys who are dating assertive women, but in general it's better to let the guy propose I think. Not really most cases where the woman proposed instead of the man, they tended to be equal partners with equal say. They did not conform to ridiculous notions that really was a man's idea of how things should be. There is no bases save from the old ways of men being the dominators in many relationships. So, what a man normally would do is string the woman along allowing him to do as he pleases while the woman waited on him, and then, only when HE was ready to settle down did he let her off the hook. And this is the joy about living so long and being in the position of being able to see so many types of relationships. I have many stories and proofs to debunk a lot of myths and theories and old "traditions" that have nothing to do with relationships but more so for the pride of a gender. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Really? How many men and women waited and waited and waited only to spend years with a person REALLY wanting to get married and do things a certain way, but settled? And what if HE is waiting for her to make the serious move? Is he wrong for that? Now said it is a secret kept from guys or that it was novel? All I ams saying is that she has as much a right to make a move and propose as a man does and I gave her an idea how to do it. Nothing more nothing less. Well, if a guy were waiting around for me to make a serious move, then we would have major problems right off the bat. (We are talking about men here, aren't we?) Let me just put it another way. Unless they like switching traditional roles, I think it's an incredibly bad idea for a woman to propose to a man. One of the most well-known relationship experts, John Gray, talks about this kind of thing in-depth, and I totally agree with him. Having the right to propose has nothing to do with it. Most men would feel diminished by it. She can always take her chances, though. Link to post Share on other sites
Angel1111 Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Not really most cases where the woman proposed instead of the man, they tended to be equal partners with equal say. They did not conform to ridiculous notions that really was a man's idea of how things should be. There is no bases save from the old ways of men being the dominators in many relationships. So, what a man normally would do is string the woman along allowing him to do as he pleases while the woman waited on him, and then, only when HE was ready to settle down did he let her off the hook. And this is the joy about living so long and being in the position of being able to see so many types of relationships. I have many stories and proofs to debunk a lot of myths and theories and old "traditions" that have nothing to do with relationships but more so for the pride of a gender. DNR "So ya better hurry and pin him down cuz he's stringin' you along girl!" If a guy is stringing a girl along, she needs to exit stage left.....not propose. You can talk 'equal' all day long, but I want to be able to know I'm with a man that I can depend on, trust and admire. It wouldn't even occur to me to propose to a man like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 And I for one will tell your expert he is wrong and show him at least 10 people who have been married between 5 and 30 years and the woman was the one who asked the guy. And there are a whole lot more marriages out there where this happen all over the world. And as far as standing by an expert...There are experts to dispute experts. This is why the world is in such a screwed up place it is. We have 10 different experts saying different things on the same subject that when one boil down to the truth is this... There is no one way to do things when it concerns the human heart and mind and spirit, but there is the right way which is best suited for you. Now, if you are the kind of woman who think tradition is right so be it. Just don't make someone think they are wrong because they don't follow such thing which has no true meaning in the grand scheme of the universe. For if we stood by tradition, then there are a lot of things you women should not be doing and us men should be. And because of a lot of tradition, there has been a lot of confusion and heartache and trouble brought into the world and now more so when people broke those traditions. It is because of traditions a lot of relationships end. It is because of tradition that people accept that certain actions are okay. Tradition leaves no room for growth, why do you think today a lot of women complain about not having men talk to them or the right one talk to them? Because a lot of them are locked into the tradition that the man is suppose to ask the woman out. But, this is the way I see it... If I am hungry and the finest steak is sitting waiting for me and all I have to do is cook it or starve, I am getting my butt over to that steak and I am going to cook it up good so my hunger is fulfilled. So, if you want to wait for the steak to cook itself wait for it and maybe it will. But, now if you are the proactive type... Go get it. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
sally4sara Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 The way I see it, any couple who discussed getting married and found they both wanted it by a certain time table, have proposed to EACH OTHER. Any knee bending or announcing publicly after that is a romantic gesture and formality. I hear about it happening this way more often than the complete surprise proposal now a days. Link to post Share on other sites
Author jonesec Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 The way I see it, any couple who discussed getting married and found they both wanted it by a certain time table, have proposed to EACH OTHER. Any knee bending or announcing publicly after that is a romantic gesture and formality. I hear about it happening this way more often than the complete surprise proposal now a days. This sums it up the best for me after reading all the responses. Traditions do not apply just for the sake of traditions. The fact that we both agree on when and who we are marrying shows that we have an open relationship. He doesn't have any 'motives' as far as stringing me along or anything. I feel that i'm able to say that because we communicate very well and he is very honest with what he wants. He has made it very clear that he loves me and wants to marry me. I don't think he would feel diminished if I proposed to him at all. This might just be a result of some of the readers are traditional and timid towards this sort of thing and we aren't. It's a difference of environment and upbringing. Link to post Share on other sites
havoc Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 I am a woman who proposed. I find it a bit disheartening to read these posts that deem my marriage is somehow doomed because of that. But, to each his (or her!) own... My husband and I never cared much for convention anyway, and by some standards, we are an 'unconventional' couple. But, rather than sulking about "stealing his thunder" or "taking the moment away" from him, he loved that I proposed to him and found it quite romantic. It was, in fact, another reason he loved me. OP, read the situation -- are you proposing because he isn't? Or because it's truly something you want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
MaxManwell Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 My lord no there is no way a woman can propose its just ridiculous. Thats like going up to a man and asking ; will you take me out for an expensive dinner and a show tonight ? Men propose you're going to have to wait until he does it, when he is ready, women don't propose. Link to post Share on other sites
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