How long does it take

[Owl]

Jumbo,

 

What are you actively doing to recover from the affair? What changes have you made in your life to help yourself heal? How have you refocused your time, your energy, into something new, or something you used to do prior to the affair?

 

The only way you start to heal and move on is by filling that 'gap' created by the loss of the affair with something else.

 

It doesn't have to be another person. Anything that takes time/energy can be used.

 

Start hitting the gym...go for runs...start studying a martial art...take up a new hobby you've always wanted to try...renew an interest in an old one.

 

Find something to get "hooked" into for a while...let that suck up your extra time and energy.

 

Its tougher to heal when you're not refocusing that into something else. Its too easy to sit around and mope and miss what you had...but if you're too busy to do so...that helps a lot.

 

Make sense?

[Lookingforward]

He's new. He has to know whom to ignore first. Right?

 

lol, it doesn't take long

[Jumbo]

Owl,

 

Yes I am staying very busy always have, I work a ton, work out, run, work on house, visit with friends, and have started dating...and you are correct that does help. I am not dwelling on the loss every waking moment.

 

But the reality is that even with all that she is still missed...she was a big part of my world when she was there or not...we shared a lot.

 

Stampdaddy - Not sure how she did not get caught. I ask myself that question many times...question of the ages given how much time we spent together....H accepted the fact that we were work friends....and /or she wore the pants...he was afraid to loose her?,.... She has a lot to offer whomever she is with.

[Owl]

Then by doing all that you're doing, hopefully it'll reduce the time it'll take for you to "get over" all of this.

 

But there's still going to remain a "time factor"...and you can't just make it go completely away.

 

The next trick for you is to start mentally redirecting yourself whenever you start to drift into "thinking about her". Deliberately stop that chain of thought when it starts, and have something else to focus on instead.

 

That includes speculation on why she's doing what she's doing, what its like for her now, etc...

 

When you catch yourself spending time doing that...intentionally change your focus to something else.

 

Make sense?

[ioncebelieved]

A 7 year affair will take a while to get over. I'm sure you were extremely close. I'm sorry you are going through this, and I understand your pain.

 

Hang in there.

 

You haven't said s h i t !!!! My two year relationship with a married women (she lied) about going through a separation, kicks my cute ass daily!!!

 

It is selfish on our part to think, "How could they do this to us?" Things seem great and all of a sudden they want to work on their marriage. I think of this all of the time.

 

I comfort myself in knowing that if their marriage was so great, they never would have been with us in the first place.

 

Some say things like this make marriages stronger. I feel like if it was an affair maybe yes, but a relationship with time NO WAY!!!

 

It hurts and I am right there with you on this! First time posting over here as I am usually in Coping!

[Lookingforward]

we are just beginning NC.. sorta.. But I have to be the one to stick to it. I cant waste any more of my life "hoping". Now of course I know that not every story ends the same, BUT.......

 

SD look on the bright side - at least for you and me we are single while doing the NC thing........we don't have to go through the "dealing with the BS" on our own side as well as coping with the loss of the OW/OM.

[astra77]

I think the reason it hurts so bad is because you belive you are on the same page as the OM/OW and when it suddenly ends, well you start to see that maybe you weren't really on the same page at all. Or that maybe you were on the same page, but for some reason one of you turned the page and didn't tell the other to follow.

 

I fell in love and wanted to be with my MM full time - he knew this yet did nothing about it. I hate to admit it but think he was a cake eater in the end. He told me he loved me first, and i was stupid enough to believe him.

[stampdaddy]

SD look on the bright side - at least for you and me we are single while doing the NC thing........we don't have to go through the "dealing with the BS" on our own side as well as coping with the loss of the OW/OM.

This is true.. As a REM song says though, "it's easier to leave than to be left behind". I hate the feeling of being left behind when she meant so much and I did to her as well.... That is what sucks about all of this NC sh*t.. Knowing when to let go. Being single helps, but we all get afraid to "step off the front porch" because that is when we leave them behind...

[phoenixrising]

Wow... seeing this thread hurts. I ended a three-year relationship last year, at which time we tried the 'being friends' thing for a year... and after nearly 4 years I finally started dating someone. When he found out, he took the opportunity to tell me with such passion how deeply he felt, suggested possibilities for our future, etc. etc. etc. - we fell in love all over again, and I just couldn't date the other man anymore. It wasn't fair. And then when it came right down to making a decision MM chose AGAIN to stay married!!! WTH... Tate....????? Why????? Why the never-ending indecision? I finally had to think that if he could hurt me, over and over and over, in order to avoid hurting his wife... it simply couldn't be love. But I feel he hurts as much as I do. It's so confusing...

[Lookingforward]

This is true.. As a REM song says though, "it's easier to leave than to be left behind". I hate the feeling of being left behind when she meant so much and I did to her as well.... That is what sucks about all of this NC sh*t.. Knowing when to let go. Being single helps, but we all get afraid to "step off the front porch" because that is when we leave them behind...

 

It's a double edged sword - we need to forget what we had so we can move on....but then again I don't WANT to forget

[Jumbo]

Not sure totally forgetting will ever be in the picture given relationship and connection. I was always very clear very clear that I wanted to take the next step...and we talked about it.

 

Our ending was not a "normal" relationship breakup...most probably are not in these situations. She walked away from me saying that she loved me more than him, wished we were together but could not pull the trigger on making that happen given collateral fallout...that she is going to work on her marriage now. Of course that is her option...It just seemed odd that we were in "love" talked marriage and really enjoyed each other on every level...were best friends then it NC.

 

I guess I am morning the loss. What I felt with here I had not experience with anyone else ever...and she said the same thing...it is what it is...no one ever said life was easy! I just hope I experience that again someday with someone...because it was increasable. ...and that is why I miss her.

 

Only wish it ended sooner...so anyone out there my advice for what its worth...give the ultimatum asap. And stick with it. Either me or married spouse.

[Mino]

You haven't said s h i t !!!! My two year relationship with a married women (she lied) about going through a separation, kicks my cute ass daily!!!

 

It is selfish on our part to think, "How could they do this to us?" Things seem great and all of a sudden they want to work on their marriage. I think of this all of the time.

 

I comfort myself in knowing that if their marriage was so great, they never would have been with us in the first place.

 

Some say things like this make marriages stronger. I feel like if it was an affair maybe yes, but a relationship with time NO WAY!!!

 

It hurts and I am right there with you on this! First time posting over here as I am usually in Coping!

Hi NC,, how long were you in your R with the mw? Sorry for your pain... I am sure that most people who go back to thier m are not truly happy... They go back to sweeping the issues under the rug.. Now of coarse there are a few who do learn, usually the A was a hicup in their m, a first time, maybe a onenight or two night stand... short lived.They are the couple who go to MC and give it their all.. They are the couple who had love and affection, in the mc before the A.. They are the ones who survive.. I believe the majority fail.. They will make a have Azz effort, now they have at least something in common, a new project... But eventually that project gets old, and they are right back to where they started, a dead M... So you can pretty much figure out what is in her cards..

[ioncebelieved]

Hi NC,, how long were you in your R with the mw? Sorry for your pain... I am sure that most people who go back to thier m are not truly happy... They go back to sweeping the issues under the rug.. Now of coarse there are a few who do learn, usually the A was a hicup in their m, a first time, maybe a onenight or two night stand... short lived.They are the couple who go to MC and give it their all.. They are the couple who had love and affection, in the mc before the A.. They are the ones who survive.. I believe the majority fail.. They will make a have Azz effort, now they have at least something in common, a new project... But eventually that project gets old, and they are right back to where they started, a dead M... So you can pretty much figure out what is in her cards..

 

Almost two years and their marriage again will be laden with trouble. I just hope her husband gives her a taste of her own medicine. Now that I think about it, she deserves neither him or I!!!!

 

I was once married and I could forgive one incident, but I COULD NOT forgive an affair that was a relationship w/ time involved.

[astra77]

The pain everyone here is feeling is much like my own. I keep thinking that if our M's were so f**cked up before we met and we enjoyed each others company so much, then why arent we together? If he was happy with his M why did he sleep with me?

 

And I dont understand why i met him? I was as content as i could be in my lifeless M - i never dreamt i would get involved with someone while i was married, much less fall in love with someone else. The attraction for both of us was instant, so I just assumed that eventually i would leave my H for this guy.

 

I used to firmly believe that you meet people for a reason, so if it was all just going to f**ck up in my face like it has, then why did i meet him? As much as i want him and love him, a small part of me wishes i had never met him. Then i would be "normal" and not this insane crazy obsessed bitch who has lost 20 kilos in 11 weeks and has lost the will to live. I went from a truely confident 31 yo woman to a scared and frightened little wimp of a thing.

[Lookingforward]

The pain everyone here is feeling is much like my own. I keep thinking that if our M's were so f**cked up before we met and we enjoyed each others company so much, then why arent we together? If he was happy with his M why did he sleep with me?

 

And I dont understand why i met him? I was as content as i could be in my lifeless M - i never dreamt i would get involved with someone while i was married, much less fall in love with someone else. The attraction for both of us was instant, so I just assumed that eventually i would leave my H for this guy.

 

I used to firmly believe that you meet people for a reason, so if it was all just going to f**ck up in my face like it has, then why did i meet him? As much as i want him and love him, a small part of me wishes i had never met him. Then i would be "normal" and not this insane crazy obsessed bitch who has lost 20 kilos in 11 weeks and has lost the will to live. I went from a truely confident 31 yo woman to a scared and frightened little wimp of a thing.

 

Maybe you met him so you'd finally get the guts to leave your "lifeless M", whether there was an OM or not

[mistresswchildren]

Mistress - I am so sorry....unbelievable. Thanks for your words. I will keep you in my thoughts....its hard to fathom that the love stays in us through it all. How long have you been NC....did he walk away from the kids?

 

I'm still not sure if he walked away from the kids. Sometimes, I wish he would. Don't get me wrong, I want them to have a father, but not one that cannot be consistent. I don't want a man in their lives that will say he will be there and then disappoint them.

 

I have been NC for I think 5 months now. I'm not even sure any more. I stopped counting. Actually, I think it is a good thing that I don't count anymore. Maybe, it means I am getting over him. Maybe, it means that someday, I won't remember the exact color of his eyes or the exact placement of his dimples. I'm hoping that day comes, but I'm entirely unsure if it will. All I know is that like any other addiction it is "One day at a time." My only issue is that if he truly wants to get back in my life he already has an open door. I cannot help making contact when it comes to the kids. I can try to keep it between lawyers, but eventually we will see each other again. Eventually, there will be some sort of contact. My entire family is worried about that. They have all stated that no matter how much i don't want him, he will be back. He may not be back for years, but he will be back, and he will use my children to try to get me to fall for him all over again. It is my anger that will keep me from falling for it again. Divorced or not, I will never be treated like crap by that man again!

[Tate]

WTH... Tate....????? Why????? Why the never-ending indecision? I finally had to think that if he could hurt me, over and over and over, in order to avoid hurting his wife... it simply couldn't be love. But I feel he hurts as much as I do. It's so confusing...

 

I think if I knew the why maybe I wouldn't be so damn indecisive. I tend to be indecisive in general so the relationship stuff I am dealing with these days is beyond difficult... back and forth til my mind is ready to pop.

 

PR, I think for sure he loves you but just doesn't know how or if he should hurt his family... I think in a way, it's our way of trying not to be selfish where at the exact same time we are... to the Nth degree. And I think you're right, I am sure he is hurting as well... I mean, making this decision is hard and in my case the "ball is in my court" - the decision is mine to make...

 

I'd probably force him to make a decision though via NC or else he never will... I am in my 2nd week of being NC/cut off, respecting my OW's wishes of not contacting her until I am ready to be all hers, and it is so very difficult. I hurt more right now than I ever have - I'm just trying to figure the true cause of that hurt. I am hoping the best for you.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Jumbo times vary with person-to-person. And while no affair is ever justified, I don't doubt that some feelings were formed, that is what IS suppose to happen. And now you said you were in it for 7 years and then she decided to cut you loose. It is going to be painful for a while for you I am guessing. But, that is only because you need to confess to those whom you love and trust about your feelings for her. You have to realize that you were just a playtoy, and I don't care how much you say you weren't, the fact is she is not with you and is probably going to do everything in her power to erase you from her life. You also have to admit to yourself that you were just a good 7 year distraction from whatever issues she did not want to deal with in her marriage.

 

Once you start accepting the truth about the affair, you then need to build yourself up. You need to realize that you are not a villain anymore and that you deserve what is best for you in this world. That you are deserving of a SINGLE woman who is going to treat you like her world and you treat her as yours. You deserve love and no one can deny that. But, you need to go about finding and building that love relationship you desire the right way.

 

These are the questions you should ask yourself...

 

1) Why was I willing to lower my standards to be with this woman?

2) Is my concepts of love defined in my actions and feelings now?

3) If I were so in love with her and her with me, why would I need to sneak around and lie and share her with someone else?

4) Is this how I would want my SO or wife to treat me? Is this how I would treat her?

 

 

DNR

[Jumbo]

DR - Thanks. You said some keywords that struck me. Distraction, playtoy, sometimes I wondered if that is all I was...I guess inherently we trust those we love...its a tough realization when we are proved wrong..and outlive our usefulness. Jumbo

[astra77]

Here here Jumbo. This is why its so hard to let go. I told my xmm a few weeks ago that he never really loved me and that i was just a side dish, he said i was talking **** - but i think he was talking ****. I would often say i was his sex toy and he would take offence and get quite upset.

 

Lovey dovey crap aside, i was a side dish. PERIOD. Regardless of what "feelings" he had for me, i was his NO 1 sex buddy, his fantasy, his sex toy. I am worth more than that.

 

When we "think" we are on the same page as someone, and BANG, something happens and it's all over in the blink of an eye, it's hard to accept we were wrong. But we have to look at it from a REAL perspective. Really, thats all i am to om, a play toy that is no longer useful

[wildsoul]

Only wish it ended sooner...so anyone out there my advice for what its worth...give the ultimatum asap. And stick with it. Either me or married spouse.

Thanks. Just letting you know that I'm reading and heeding your wisdom, Jumbo.

 

Though I've never been in the stupid position of dating someone who was in another relationship (until now) I have learned a few things about recovering breakups (from other stupid relationships .)

 

It takes as long as it takes.

 

Contact seems like it will help healing, but usually causes a set back.

 

Stay busy doing other things that build your self-esteem back up.

 

One day at a time. Yeah, it's hackneyed, but when your mind/feelings get all worked up thinking in absolutes such as never/forever or "I can't do it," it really does help to break it down into baby steps. You just need to get through today, baby. That's good enough!

[astra77]

Thanks. Just letting you know that I'm reading and heeding your wisdom, Jumbo.

 

Though I've never been in the stupid position of dating someone who was in another relationship (until now) I have learned a few things about recovering breakups (from other stupid relationships .)

 

It takes as long as it takes.

 

Contact seems like it will help healing, but usually causes a set back.

 

Stay busy doing other things that build your self-esteem back up.

 

One day at a time. Yeah, it's hackneyed, but when your mind/feelings get all worked up thinking in absolutes such as never/forever or "I can't do it," it really does help to break it down into baby steps. You just need to get through today, baby. That's good enough!

 

So beautifully written my dear, this gives me hope and strength for the future.

 

HUGS xoxox

[CAMAYPARK]

Here here Jumbo. This is why its so hard to let go. I told my xmm a few weeks ago that he never really loved me and that i was just a side dish, he said i was talking **** - but i think he was talking ****. I would often say i was his sex toy and he would take offence and get quite upset.

 

Lovey dovey crap aside, i was a side dish. PERIOD. Regardless of what "feelings" he had for me, i was his NO 1 sex buddy, his fantasy, his sex toy. I am worth more than that.

 

When we "think" we are on the same page as someone, and BANG, something happens and it's all over in the blink of an eye, it's hard to accept we were wrong. But we have to look at it from a REAL perspective. Really, thats all i am to om, a play toy that is no longer useful

 

This is so true, you think that MM go to all the same schools?. I used to call myself, the bit on the side. We are always the lowest of the low in terms of their list of priorities, after the dog/cat. After all we are pretty much expandable.

 

Jumbo, I feel for you, like everyone here have said, one baby step at the time. Tick each day off at the end of the day and that for me was the "pat" on the back. Just getting through each day was difficult enough, without having to think about him. Keeping busy, helps a lot. The evenings are the worst time of the day. But slowly and surely, you will learn to walk again. ((hugs)))

[astra77]

This is so true, you think that MM go to all the same schools?. I used to call myself, the bit on the side. We are always the lowest of the low in terms of their list of priorities, after the dog/cat. After all we are pretty much expandable.

 

Jumbo, I feel for you, like everyone here have said, one baby step at the time. Tick each day off at the end of the day and that for me was the "pat" on the back. Just getting through each day was difficult enough, without having to think about him. Keeping busy, helps a lot. The evenings are the worst time of the day. But slowly and surely, you will learn to walk again. ((hugs)))

 

Where is this school id love to shut it down - LOL:lmao:

 

You are right - i felt like the lowest of the low at the end, and i still do. xmm surprised me one morning and brought me a hot chocolate - he knew i loved them - when i started work for him earlier than normal. He came in to work a few hours later with a hot choc for me - i was stunned to think he had thought of me so early in the morning as i was doubting he thought of me at all except for when he wanted a bit. BUT it was too little too late in terms of our A. Maybe he sensed i would leave and that was his half assed way of trying to woo me back. Who knows, i surrender and wave my white flag. I give up.

[Jumbo]

My A was slightly different, ast and cama....i never felt low in priority....short her being married to someone else ( i know odd reality) when we could not be together. She was nicer to me than any woman had ever been to me ...maybe to keep me from looking elsewhere i do not know. She brought me home made dinners, bought me things she thought I would like for fun, flowers, clothes, favorite foods etc.....was not required...as I earn a good income....helped me when I went back to school.....was great to my kids ( they thought she was a work friend - which is where it started).....really acted like my wife, only better...that is what kept me in the A for the 7 years...not to mention was my best friend, best intimacy and sex of my life ( and hers if she was honest - looked/sounded real to me) , was super intelligent, funny, and was the most beautiful woman I was ever with.........she put in a ton of time and energy into it...that is why I miss her and why its confusing to me that we did not end up together....or why she took all the risks and kept it up for 7 years...it was a long time and a ton of energy..although I am/was worth it!

 

I will add this to the list of things I may never understand in this life.