I Cheated...

[Tripped up]

Hello all,

 

 

My girlfriend and I had been dating for almost 2 years until last weekend. I am 26 she is 23. She had relocated to a different city, and I was moving to that same city(just by luck) 2 months after she did. Well, the night before I leave, many of my friends throw me a going away party. I enjoy a drink, but this night I went way over the top. I ended up making out with another girl, and things proceeded from there. I did not have sex with her however. In fact things were stopped well before that could have ever taken place. This is the first time I have EVER done anything like this. The next morning I call and tell my girlfriend.(I didnt want to run with this secret, and I felt it could be worked out) Needless to say she broke up with me, and I haven't spoken with her in a week and a half. I understand people make mistakes(not trying to make excuses for what I did), she had her fair share as well. But I always stood by her and we got through them. Many being very severe, ie: drugs, pills....

 

Anyways I felt as though it compromised my character and who I am. I feel completely worthless, and cannot understand why she couldnt work it out after everything we have stood for. I realize she doesnt owe me anything, everything I did for her was from the heart, but i still feel as though this isn't completely right. I dont know what kind of responses or advice I am looking for, it happened so recently everything seems a bit jumbled. All I do know is I love her very much,(wanted a long term future with her) and I wish I could remind her that a mistake does not define me. Thanks for taking the time to read my post.

 

-Jake

[ItalianLove59]

I think that it was bad that you cheated on her. But it was good that you told her, so she wouldnt have to find out for someone else. I know that everyone goes through tough times but if you two really love eachother and if you have been through worse than it will all work out for the best.

[whichwayisup]

I feel completely worthless, and cannot understand why she couldnt work it out after everything we have stood for.

 

I'm sure she cannot understand why you cheated after everything that you two have stood for.

 

Yes, you did mess up - Yet you didn't have sex, it was fooling around. You owned up to it and told her right away - THAT took guts....Though with that being said, she may be the type of person who thinks cheating is just wrong - Reguardless of her mistakes, some things are unforgivable...Maybe she thinks that she'll never get past it, unfortunately, she has that right though.

 

She is hurting, you betrayed her in the worst way. Give her time and space. Let her know though that you DO love her and will do everything possible to make things right again, to earn her trust and faith in you again.

[Tripped up]

I have been giving her space. I have wanted nothing other than to call her and at least talk to her for just a few minutes. But I haven't for a week and a half now, and its freaking killing me. I dont know what to do. All of this I do believe is building me into a better man for the future, I really would just prefer I was that man for her.

[Angel1111]

I have been giving her space. I have wanted nothing other than to call her and at least talk to her for just a few minutes. But I haven't for a week and a half now, and its freaking killing me. I dont know what to do. All of this I do believe is building me into a better man for the future, I really would just prefer I was that man for her.

 

Then I think you need to do just that. Even if she won't talk to you, even if she hangs up on you, it will make her feel good that you're making the attempt, even if she doesn't say that. Make numerous attempts, each day if that's what you feel inclined to do. Leave messages & tell her how you feel. If I were in her shoes, before I could even consider getting past this, I would need to know how much it meant to you to get me back, that nothing could dissuade you. I think it's time you start showing her that.

[bish]

Anyways I felt as though it compromised my character and who I am. I feel completely worthless, and cannot understand why she couldnt work it out after everything we have stood for.

 

Because her problems didn't include betraying you. You betrayed her....big difference.

 

I realize she doesnt owe me anything, everything I did for her was from the heart, but i still feel as though this isn't completely right. I dont know what kind of responses or advice I am looking for, it happened so recently everything seems a bit jumbled. All I do know is I love her very much,(wanted a long term future with her) and I wish I could remind her that a mistake does not define me.

 

To her it does. Sorry, thats the way it is. If you did it once, you can do it again and she doesn't want to take that chance and doesn't want to always wonder if when you go out with friends if you are sucking face with some other girl.

[bish]

Then I think you need to do just that. Even if she won't talk to you, even if she hangs up on you, it will make her feel good that you're making the attempt, even if she doesn't say that.

 

Not necessarily. Last thing I wanted was for an X that cheated long ago to call me. Not only did I break up with her for it, but I didn't want anything to do with her...much less field a call from her at midnight on a work night.

 

 

Make numerous attempts, each day if that's what you feel inclined to do.

 

No, he needs to respect her decision and leave her alone. He cheated on her, she made her decision and broke up with him. It would be despicable of him to try and bully his way back in her life if she truly doesn't want a thing to do with him.

 

 

Leave messages & tell her how you feel. If I were in her shoes, before I could even consider getting past this, I would need to know how much it meant to you to get me back, that nothing could dissuade you. I think it's time you start showing her that.

 

He can show her that once. But to be persistent and pushy and try to contact her over and over as you suggested is selfish on his part if he decides to do so.

 

Let her know, then the ball is in her court. Don't harrass her over and over.

[Angel1111]

Not necessarily. Last thing I wanted was for an X that cheated long ago to call me. Not only did I break up with her for it, but I didn't want anything to do with her...much less field a call from her at midnight on a work night.

 

No, he needs to respect her decision and leave her alone. He cheated on her, she made her decision and broke up with him. It would be despicable of him to try and bully his way back in her life if she truly doesn't want a thing to do with him.

 

He can show her that once. But to be persistent and pushy and try to contact her over and over as you suggested is selfish on his part if he decides to do so.

 

Let her know, then the ball is in her court. Don't harrass her over and over.

 

That's because you're a guy and you don't understand how a woman thinks. Unless she told him to absolutely never, ever call her again or she'd shoot him, then he needs to pursue her by being humbly persistent (not pushy or bullying). A woman needs to know that a guy will knock himself out to have her in his life, or to make something right. That's the first step to fixing it. It doesnt fix it completely but it's a step in the right direction.

 

This is a huge mistake that men make when they don't go after a woman for whatever reason - she left, he screwed up and she told him to go away, etc. If you ever watch any chick flicks, then you'll see a reoccuring theme - women find it very hard to resist a man who loves her so much that he won't stop at anything to get her.

 

If a guy ever left the ball in my court in a situation like this, it would be a death-sentence for the relationship. If I were this girl, I wouldn't even think about contacting him. And if he never made an attempt to get me back, I would assume he just didn't care enough to even try.

[Tripped up]

Her flaws in the past during about a 2 week break up, and whatever she did does not define her character to me. It may not work the other way around, but I can only express what I feel.

 

 

I called her tonight. Conversation went great, spoke nothing of the situation, just talked. We really didnt miss a beat. She let me know that things were not all happy where she is at, and that she is was really missing calling me. I pushed nothing just talked to her about whatever she wanted. When I finally told her that I had to go, she told me she loved me and would talk to me soon.

 

I dont know what to make of this, but it was sure great to talk to her. I am not reading into it too much, I dont want any false sense of hope. Hopefully it showed something.

[orangesean]

She may just want to be friends or wean off of you...

 

Did you ever talk ahead of time about cheating? For many cheating of any sort, emotional or physical, is a complete deal breaker because it demands in order to stay with your partner you must trust it never happens again.

 

The main problem with that is most partners do cheat again on average (or so it seems) and that restoring trust is really hard when that pattern regularly emerges. It also makes your partner wonder if there might have been another time you cheated before that.

[bish]

That's because you're a guy and you don't understand how a woman thinks. Unless she told him to absolutely never, ever call her again or she'd shoot him, then he needs to pursue her by being humbly persistent (not pushy or bullying). A woman needs to know that a guy will knock himself out to have her in his life, or to make something right.

 

A guy that cared so little to mess around with another woman?

 

I believe it when you say a woman wants a guy that will knock himself out to have her in his life.....but not a guy that would knock himself out to have her in his life.....then go off and cheat. That would negate all the "knocking out".

 

 

That's the first step to fixing it. It doesnt fix it completely but it's a step in the right direction.

 

Maybe there is nothing to fix? Sometimes when a car breaks down and you don't want the car any longer, you send it to the junkyard....you don't waste any time trying to fix it.

 

If she doesn't want him, there is nothing to fix. Only thing that can be done is to respect her wishes.

 

 

This is a huge mistake that men make when they don't go after a woman for whatever reason - she left, he screwed up and she told him to go away, etc. If you ever watch any chick flicks, then you'll see a reoccuring theme - women find it very hard to resist a man who loves her so much that he won't stop at anything to get her.

 

COOL! then you just taught us men a very valuable lesson....cheat, say it was a one time $^&$ up, then knock yourself out and you will be forgiven and have her wrapped around our fingers.

 

You also just confirmed why women like the bad boys. The bad boys will cheat, but then knock themselves out to keep the woman. they can't resist the persistence...and then they know they can get away with it.

 

 

If a guy ever left the ball in my court in a situation like this, it would be a death-sentence for the relationship.

 

Thats you. And the death sentence to the R for this girl more than likely was his cheating.

 

But if you have a guy that cheats on you, and you leave him and take him back simply because he is persistent, then you can be a fool all you want.

 

I guess now I understand how cheaters keep women.

 

 

If I were this girl, I wouldn't even think about contacting him. And if he never made an attempt to get me back, I would assume he just didn't care enough to even try.

 

the assumption that he didn't care should have been the moment he was messing around with another woman.

[whichwayisup]

women find it very hard to resist a man who loves her so much that he won't stop at anything to get her.

 

Most of the time yes, especially during the courting stage - But when one cheats, that rational goes out the window. Not everyone forgives and takes back their cheating partner. And, as much as it may suck for Tripped up, it is possible that she is one who believes once you cheat, you're out, no second chances. She has the right to feel that way, if this is the case.

 

Tripped, just give her time and space. Work on you. Try to understand WHY you allowed yourself to cheat on her. Why did you put yourself in a situation where something could happen, you couldn't say no. Use this time to reflect on you - And maybe if your gf sees the effort you're putting into yourself, she MAY give you chance to prove yourself to her, gain her trust again.

 

I will say again, it is good that you came clean and owned up to this right away. Waiting longer or her finding out from someone else would've been much worse.

[bish]

Most of the time yes, especially during the courting stage - But when one cheats, that rational goes out the window. Not everyone forgives and takes back their cheating partner. And, as much as it may suck for Tripped up, it is possible that she is one who believes once you cheat, you're out, no second chances. She has the right to feel that way, if this is the case.

 

and if she does feel this way, then he needs to leave her alone.

[Virgo1982]

Because her problems didn't include betraying you. You betrayed her....big difference.

 

 

 

To her it does. Sorry, thats the way it is. If you did it once, you can do it again and she doesn't want to take that chance and doesn't want to always wonder if when you go out with friends if you are sucking face with some other girl.

 

Drugs might have lead to an alternative lifestyle, which could have resulted in cheating/break-up.

 

This idea that his act was more of a betrayal than hers is nonsense to me. Though I believe she has the right to decide whether she wants to leave or not.

 

He also has the right to ask for a second chance, move on and be bitter, and/or learn from his mistakes.

[bish]

Drugs might have lead to an alternative lifestyle, which could have resulted in cheating/break-up.

 

This is true. But she didn't betray him.

 

 

This idea that his act was more of a betrayal than hers is nonsense to me. Though I believe she has the right to decide whether she wants to leave or not.

 

And why is it nonsense to you? how is abusing her own body betraying him? And he certainly woud have been in his right, and justifiably so, if he wanted to leave her for doing drugs if she didn't want to get help.

 

 

He also has the right to ask for a second chance, move on and be bitter, and/or learn from his mistakes.

 

He has the right to ask for a second chance, I didn't say otherwise. What I said was he can make his feelings known, then leave the ball in her court. Not continuously disrepect her if she wants nothing to do with her by not allowing her to move on.

 

And why would he have anything to be bitter about, he cheated on her...remember?

 

And of course he can learn from his "mistake", if you want to call it that.

 

but he can learn it and apply it with somebody in the future rather than not allowing her to move on and heal if that is what she chooses to do.

[Virgo1982]

This is true. But she didn't betray him.

 

 

 

 

And why is it nonsense to you? how is abusing her own body betraying him? And he certainly woud have been in his right, and justifiably so, if he wanted to leave her for doing drugs if she didn't want to get help.

 

**They're in a relationship. A unit, if you will.

 

 

 

He has the right to ask for a second chance, I didn't say otherwise. What I said was he can make his feelings known, then leave the ball in her court. Not continuously disrepect her if she wants nothing to do with her by not allowing her to move on.

 

And why would he have anything to be bitter about, he cheated on her...remember?

 

**I don't think he should be bitter, but that is a choice he could make. To say that she didn't stick by him and be bitter.

 

And of course he can learn from his "mistake", if you want to call it that.

 

**To me, that is the most we can hope for.

 

but he can learn it and apply it with somebody in the future rather than not allowing her to move on and heal if that is what she chooses to do.

 

**I agree

 

Basically, I agreed with most of points with the exception that his betrayal/mistake was unforgivable compared to hers. Her lifestyle could have reeked havoc on their finances, emotional connection, etc.

[Angel1111]

A guy that cared so little to mess around with another woman?

 

I believe it when you say a woman wants a guy that will knock himself out to have her in his life.....but not a guy that would knock himself out to have her in his life.....then go off and cheat. That would negate all the "knocking out".

 

 

 

 

Maybe there is nothing to fix? Sometimes when a car breaks down and you don't want the car any longer, you send it to the junkyard....you don't waste any time trying to fix it.

 

If she doesn't want him, there is nothing to fix. Only thing that can be done is to respect her wishes.

 

 

 

 

COOL! then you just taught us men a very valuable lesson....cheat, say it was a one time $^&$ up, then knock yourself out and you will be forgiven and have her wrapped around our fingers.

 

You also just confirmed why women like the bad boys. The bad boys will cheat, but then knock themselves out to keep the woman. they can't resist the persistence...and then they know they can get away with it.

 

 

 

 

Thats you. And the death sentence to the R for this girl more than likely was his cheating.

 

But if you have a guy that cheats on you, and you leave him and take him back simply because he is persistent, then you can be a fool all you want.

 

I guess now I understand how cheaters keep women.

 

 

 

 

the assumption that he didn't care should have been the moment he was messing around with another woman.

 

 

In my world, yes, cheating is the point of no return and no amount of singing and dancing will make a dent. But I didn't know where his xgf stood on this issue so I was just giving him pointers on how to possibly recover from this incredible blunder, if it's at all fixable. It may not be fixable but if he planned on sitting around and doing nothing about it, I could pretty much predict the outcome. Based on his recent post, it does, after all, appear to be fixable. Please make note of who it was that picked up the phone and made the call.

 

I think every situation is different and I would never judge a person who is willing to give someone a second chance. It's their choice.

 

And, yes, that is absolutely the key to why the bad boys get women.... and how a lot of good guys get them, too. The bottom line is that if a guy sits on his tail doing nothing about a woman he really wants and is expecting her to take action, then I wish him 'good luck' because he'll most likely lose every time.

[bish]

And, yes, that is absolutely the key to why the bad boys get women

 

then the women in question get what they deserve and have no right to complain.

 

 

.... and how a lot of good guys get them, too.

 

Good guys don't cheat on the people they claim to care about.

 

 

The bottom line is that if a guy sits on his tail doing nothing about a woman he really wants and is expecting her to take action, then I wish him 'good luck' because he'll most likely lose every time.

 

I agree, but its apples and orange to which I was referring.

 

A guy that cheated and has been dumped, and vice versa for a woman that has cheated, can make his/her last plea, then leave it alone since they have done enough to that person without denying them the right to move on and heal.

[Tripped up]

Her drug uses I believe did not define her. She left me for the reason of using the drugs. We were living together at the time, she brought the drugs into my home, lied about it and claimed she was not doing them, until i caught her on it. Money was a problem because she never had any, it was always going to the drugs/alcohol.

 

That being said, she is doing better now(thank god), but I still believe her to be a good person. I did stand by her the entire time, when she needed it and things did get better.

 

I also understand that she owes me nothing. And her decision is hers and hers alone. This may be me wearing blinders, but I feel as though we have worked through other things, we can get through this.

 

Maybe our relationship at this point has just been too rough, I dont want to believe that, but that is quite a few peoples opinions.

[Virgo1982]

Her drug uses I believe did not define her. She left me for the reason of using the drugs. We were living together at the time, she brought the drugs into my home, lied about it and claimed she was not doing them, until i caught her on it. Money was a problem because she never had any, it was always going to the drugs/alcohol.

 

That being said, she is doing better now(thank god), but I still believe her to be a good person. I did stand by her the entire time, when she needed it and things did get better.

 

I also understand that she owes me nothing. And her decision is hers and hers alone. This may be me wearing blinders, but I feel as though we have worked through other things, we can get through this.

 

Maybe our relationship at this point has just been too rough, I dont want to believe that, but that is quite a few peoples opinions.

 

 

Yeah, learn lesson(s) and move on or hope and try again-if she's willing.

[Angel1111]

Good guys don't cheat on the people they claim to care about.

 

I wouldn't even begin to make a judgement about whether someone is good or bad based on this kind of limited information. And I don't believe that cheating automatically categorizes someone as a 'bad person'. It may end the relationship, but it doesn't make them bad.

 

My point is that, most of the time, good guys and bad guys get results when they are persistent with women. It's not really a matter of a woman getting what she deserves just because she trusted someone, or has limited life experience. Nature made us the way we are, just like Nature made men the way they are. Faulting people for their natural inclinations is like beating a dog for wagging its tail.

 

You seem to want the world to be black and white and, if it's that way for you, that's great. But presenting your view on morals and values as though they're irrefutable facts isn't effective because your opinions about those things are not fact and they never will be. And being a harsh judge about people who 'deserve' what they get just shows a lack of compassion toward people. No one has to continue being with someone who has betrayed their trust, but that doesn't mean there's no benefit in being compassionate.

[bish]

I wouldn't even begin to make a judgement about whether someone is good or bad based on this kind of limited information. And I don't believe that cheating automatically categorizes someone as a 'bad person'. It may end the relationship, but it doesn't make them bad.

 

You are correct. It makes them a saint.

[bish]

You seem to want the world to be black and white and, if it's that way for you, that's great. But presenting your view on morals and values as though they're irrefutable facts

 

I believe I have said numerous times throughout posts that it is my OPINION.

 

 

[qutoe]isn't effective because your opinions about those things are not fact and they never will be.

 

uh, ya....thats why they are called opinions....

 

 

And being a harsh judge about people who 'deserve' what they get just shows a lack of compassion toward people.

 

Sorry, I will coddle them next time...

[Tripped up]

I spoke to her again today. Conversation went well up until we started to discuss the situation. She naturally became angry and started asking questions about that night, i answered them. She now feels that my story has changed......tho it hasn't. She said based on the first time I called her to tell her about it(the night it happened) it was different. I realize I was still under the influence of alcohol when I first told her, and she says she believes that more than she believes me now. Problem being, I didnt say anything different, I believe I was able to lay it out better not drunk than I could when I was drunk. She did say that she thinks that I may have just forgotten, or twisted my story around in my mind........That is not the case. She says I am a liar, and have now lost more creditbility and that I should have just stuck to the first story. (Mind you nothing changed, I think she feels like I am just trying to minimize the situation into something less than it is.) I do not remember everything I told her that night, but I do recall everything now. She also said something that hurt a little. Saying that now she is going to have to find some of her Exes in order to have sex, because I am no longer an option.

 

So she said she is done with me, and does not want to be in any type of relationship for a long time. She stood her ground, and good for her. But then before we get off the phone, she says she misses me and wants me to come visit her Friday!! WTF. Should I go or not? Persue or not? I am at a loss, seriously. She will get extremely angry about all of this, call me a liar, *******, never will be with me again......that everything has a consequence and losing her is my consequence....and she hopes I learn from it. Then 5 minutes later we are laughing and talking away with no problem. Then invites me out to see her.....I am at a loss....

[Angel1111]

I'm at a loss, too. You may want to ask her to clarify how 'never wanting to be with you again' translates into going to visit her on Friday.

 

The ex boyfriend comment was pretty dumb, although I think it was meant to hurt you on the same level she is hurt.