Should I be married?

[Roland]

At 22yrs old I found myself in the military. I had a girlfriend that I had been dating for about 6 mos or so. Well, some off my buddies in my unit had come up with a scam to get more money while in the military. They would go to the local strip joint and find a stripper to marry. The idea was: The soldier received more money from the Army (for being married), and could afford to live off post in a nice apartment. The girl got military medical benefits out of the deal. They would never even see each other during the marriage. After the soldier left the military, the "couple" would get a quick divorce. Seemed like a good idea. Except I did not want to deal with stripper, so I talked my girlfriend into doing it.

 

Everything was great. Then came time to for me to leave the military about a year later. It was obvious to me that she did not want to dissolve the marriage. Nothing spoken, but I could tell. I was a little panicked. I liked the girl, but I didn't want to continue the deal. I wanted to go home. But a local employer made me a great offer, and I didn't want to divorce her as I felt she was depending on me, and I did not want to hurt her. I was very fearful of returning home and falling into my old lifestyle of partying and living carefree. I did not want the relationship to go bad and leave her stranded in a place where she did not have family or friends. So I took the easy way out and accepted the job and continued my marriage.

 

That was 7 years ago.

 

Do I love her? Yes. But I think it may be a love born of respect and appreciation due to our length of time together. There isn't anything she couldn't ask me for, or anything I would not do for her. If the situation arose, I would give my life for her. She is very attractive, and takes great care of me. She has a good personality. Everyone loves her, and many men are jealous of me. She takes great care of me. She gives me all the freedom I need.

 

Problem is, I'm always looking over my shoulder. Every so often, I start analyzing our marriage and basically tell myself that this wasn't what I wanted for myself. I did not plan to get married until I was 35 or so. I wanted to establish myself and a career. I wanted to marry a career minded girl that I was crazy for and live happily ever after. Is my wife career minded? Well, yes. But only because she knows it's what I want. I have put her through college and she has graduated with a BS. She is now trying to find a graduate program. I feel that her lack of true drive is what is preventing her from moving forward in academics or the workplace. That the drive she has is because of me. I resent that I'm still working at a job that I no longer like because I need the high salary to support us. I want her/us to be comfortable.

 

But the thought of breaking her heart absolutely kills me. To see her cry would destroy me, and the thought of her being on her own with no one to look after her almost brings me to tears.

 

Every time I start thinking like that, I try and find more stuff to do to prevent me from having the time to think such thoughts. I have taken on a second job, picked up a instrument, continued my education, hobbies, etc. It always seems to work, and my days are so busy I don't have the time to think about much else. The days turned into weeks,months,years of patterns and a feeling of content settlement.

 

Then just recently, I met a customer at work that has caused me to have these thoughts again. She is married to an mentally abusive husband who is currently deployed overseas, and has been cheating on her with her friends. While he is gone, she has been working three jobs to support his drinking/spending habits and their stateside bills. She is putting herself through college. I find her ambitious and motivated to better herself and her situation, and I admire her for it. Her goal is to prepare herself financially and with education to leave him. Physically she is not as pretty as my wife, but her body is the type that I have always been attracted to in females. I like being around her, and find excuses to call her and meet her under the guise of work. I can't stop thinking about her. Finally, recently I suggested we have dinner (making it a point to remove the pretense of work) and she agreed. So her apparent interest is making this worse.

 

Now I'm not so jaded as to think she is the answer to all my problems. As a matter of fact, based on our conversations and the fact that she is still with him I think she may try and give him one last chance. So there are no thoughts of us running off together and living in bliss going through my head. What is bothering me is that I am once again having these thoughts about my own marriage. If I'm having them because of this women, then surely there will be another.

 

The talk of kids have come up with my wife, and I always beg off with the reason that I am not ready career wise. While this is true, I also do not want to bring a child into this relationship with the thoughts that I am having.

 

The kicker is, about 5 years into the marriage she basically brought this whole point up. And again, I did not want to hurt her feelings, so I told her that all was well in the relationship.

 

Am I being fair to myself? Am I being fair to my wife for not giving her the unequivocal love she gives me? Or am I being selfish for trying to use her in the fairness equation? I also fear that if I end the marriage and start a search for the "perfect one", I may end up realizing that I had a pretty good thing going already. I mean, sure...You married under false pretenses. But people get married for the wrong reasons all the time, and some of them turn into lifelong marriages. She's a great catch, and the next one I find may not be so easy to live with. But! If the next one is truly the one, then those difficulties will be overcome by love, right? Or is marriage about finding a partner that fills the majority of your requirements and accepting the rest? That sounds too much like settling to me. I guess it comes down to our own particular version of love. I do not want to have these thoughts about my wife. I feel love shouldn't be like that. But again, I do love her.... So, am I experiencing something that all men go through?

 

I know I am rambling now, and if you've stuck with me this far I really do appreciate it. I welcome all replies, and I promise I will respond. Your efforts will not be wasted on someone who never visits the board again. Besides, I need the help!!

[carmella]

you shouldn't be married...with your attitude and selfishness you should be alone. marriage takes work, and there will be flaws with any woman you find. you are looking for the perfect woman that does not exist. my advice, get divorced and never re-marry.

[Roland]

Selfishness?? I am trying to do right here. I admit I made a bonehead decision while in the service. Are you suggesting I should remain married because I had made the decision regardless? Is that fair to her or me?

 

I don't feel as if I'm searching for the perfect woman, I just don't feel good about having these thoughts with a wife I do care for. If I didn't love her at all, I think I would not be posting my concerns, and I would have already terminated the relationship.

 

You say marriage takes work, and I agree. But shouldn't the union be started with different intentions than ours? Is our relationship truly based on a foundation of love and trust? Or again, is that irrelevant considering that we did make the decision?

 

Thanks for the reply.

[turtle]

It's nice to see that our tax dollars also support the strippers who cater to the military men....

 

You got married for all the wrong reasons. I would suggest getting a divorce. Eventually you will get remarried to another woman for the right reasons.

[km82794]

Here I am just to confuse you more, since I am seeing this two ways.

 

It sounds to me that you have already found love and I quote...

 

There isn't anything she couldn't ask me for, or anything I would not do for her. If the situation arose, I would give my life for her. She is very attractive, and takes great care of me. She has a good personality. Everyone loves her, and many men are jealous of me. She takes great care of me. She gives me all the freedom I need.

 

You love her, would do anything for her, give your life for her, you are attracted to her and she obviously loves you. You have everything everyone else is searching for right under your nose.

Most of us would kill to have a relationship as perfect as yours.

 

To me, no matter what circumstances you married under, you couldn't ask for a better relationship.

 

Now I ask you, why leave a wonderful relationship for this???

 

As a matter of fact, based on our conversations and the fact that she is still with him I think she may try and give him one last chance.

 

She's married for one, but maybe one day she'll leave him and I repeat "maybe". I would go with my gut instinct and say she'll probably will give him another chance. Fact is, the woman is working three jobs already, if the abuse was that bad why hasn't she left him by now?

 

I was married to a mental abuser. When I decided to leave, I made sure I could support myself on my own. I wanted to go to college so things could be easier, but it turned out to be a question of what I wanted more, to be able to afford the finer things or my sanity. I decided my mental health was much more important and I left. Sure, I had to struggle, but to this day I haven't had any regrets. To add to this, I didn't even decide I had to leave until his mental abuse turned physical.

 

Don't take me wrong, I feel for anyone who is in an abusive relationship, but I have a feeling you are simply living under false pretenses of what could be, "the grass could be greener", and what you may get is a lot of wasted time, waiting on someone who never leaves.

 

Further, she (new woman) may be a wonderful person, but let's just say for instance you get divorced and she leaves him for you. Do you think for one second, down the road you might not ask yourself "maybe she'll leave me for someone else, as well one day. I have a feeling you would.

 

Now, on the other hand, I'll put myself in your wife's shoes and say If you aren't 110% "in love" with me, then let me go.

 

I wouldn't see it as any favor for you to spend your entire life loving me, but not being "in love" with me.

 

You just aren't being fair to her. Why not let her go and find someone who has no doubts on whether he should be married to her or not.

 

You have a big decision here, I wish you luck!

[Roland]

km82794, thanks for the reply. You have some very valid points that are also concerns of mine.

 

For ease of reading, I will here by call the "new woman" Sara.

 

I would like to clarify something...This is not a situation where I think Sara would be a better partner. It's simply that she has caused me to wonder about the foundation of my relationship with my wife because of the feelings I have when I am around her. Does that make sense? As I stated above, I have no intentions of trying to get Sara to leave her husband for me and we run off in the sunset together.

 

I have seen many attractive women since I have been married, but I thought those as simple physical attraction. Nothing more. But for some reason being around Sara makes me want to spend more time with her. I have not felt that way in a looong time. And believe it or not, I really don't like having the feeling because I am married. Hence this soul searching.

 

If I had meet my wife and married her under what I consider to be a legitimate marriage, then I would just consider myself a POS for having these thoughts now, recognize them as temptation, and runaway from Sara as far as I could get.

 

But it's hard for me to feel like a POS when I think about why we got married ($$).

 

Carmella replied that I am selfish and not willing to work at a marriage. I have spent 7 years with a woman I married under false pretensions and have made sure she has not wanted or needed for anything. I have not discussed my feelings for the situation with her or terminated the marriage in part because of my feelings for her, and the fear of breaking her heart. So IMHO, I think I am capable of committing to a relationship and acting unselfish while in it.

 

To get off my soapbox, I also realize that I am also financially successful because of her. I work hard because I consider her my responsibility, and I want to take care of her. While I think I would still be successful without her, the fact that I feel responsible for her drives me harder. I also recognize that by being married to her I have avoided many unhealthy actions/activities that I may have partaken in if single. I can honestly say she has made me a better person without even trying.

 

So there I go again singing the praises of my current wife. People reading this are saying "What the heck is your problem?"

 

I've had these thoughts enough times through the years to know that it bothers me how we got married, and I'm worried that I will never get over it. I wonder if I will forever hold my wife at arms length because of it.

 

At any rate, I think km82794's closing words may sum it up best.

When I look back over what I have written in this thread, it seems like I am concerned over doing what's best for me. And it seems like I am hiding behind the fact that I do not want to hurt her. As stated, it's obvious that it bothers me, and it is not fair to her that I have such feelings and do not make her aware of them. Looks like we are back to the "Communication is Key" to any relationship. Bottom line is I need to discuss this with her isn't it?

 

Thanks for reading.

[km82794]

Bottom line is I need to discuss this with her isn't it?

 

Definitely, she has a right to know how her husband is feeling. If it was me, I would want to know if you were having these type of doubts about the marriage.

 

Now that I see a little more of the picture I can certainly understand what you're feeling. This Sarah makes you feel things you have never felt before and for the record, I don't think

"what if" thinking makes you a bad or selfish person .

 

We all have our fears, doubts, and temptations. I am sure every one of us has at one time or another has wondered "what if I wouldn't have done such and such", or what if I would have done this", what would my life be like now?

 

Since your letter made me think so much, I have to ask you a question.

 

Do you think it's possible, being you are serving in the military, the circumstances you married under, and now this Sarah, that maybe you believe you need to be some kind of hero to women? The Knight in Shining Armor who saves the Damsel in Distress.

 

This thought occured to me because....

 

A. You protect our country night and day.

B. You tried to make a better life for a girlfriend who is now your

wife, putting her through college, taking care of her for seven

years, although it wasn't in your plans to do so.

C. You have stuck it out, remained married to her because you

didn't want to leave her stranded.

D. You are having feelings for a woman, who is down on her luck

with an abusive husband.

 

Even though you may not have any intentions of cheating with Sarah, do you think you feel obligated to be her shoulder to cry on? A caretaker of sort?

 

Although I hate to see you throw away a perfectly good marriage

that maybe one day you will regret, I still have to say, you are hurting your wife more by staying with her and having these kind of doubts .

 

Sure, if my fiance said he didn't love me like he should anymore,

it would hurt like hell, but one day I would get over the pain and find someone that I was everything in the world to. Isn't that what every one of us wants, to be our spouses whole world?

 

Before I go, I have one more question. Do you think that maybe if you renewed your vows with your wife, you would feel better about your marriage?

 

I doubt it, but I thought I would throw it out there.

 

Goodluck with the talk!

[traycee707]

I don't know if you'll be reading this again after posting it so long ago, but i'm going to tell you that maybe if you really sit down and take a good look around you you'll notice that your bogus marriage ( to you ) is really and truly meant to be. You could have been like your buddies and chose a stripper, but instead you chose your girlfriend. You love her already so why not take up some type of counseling ( after a major discussion with your wife first about your feelings and intentions) and see what the end results are from there don't just give in to desires that most people give in to without knowing for sure that you're making a decision that will benefit the both of you. If its no longer what you truly want then take her back home to her folks and you go your own way its as simple as that. I'm quite sure that in the long run you'll see the out come for the good in either choice that you make. Always look for the positive out come in all choices no matter what road we take.