Sex

[NoIDidn't]

You have strange logic. We are born with 2 needs: food, sleep. The desire for sex doesn't hit until puberty, but we are all set up for it, unless there is some defect within. So I would say it's a need post-puberty. Technically, you wouldn't die if you never had sex. But I can guarantee it would adversely affect me if I didn't ever have sex. It's as strong a drive as food and sleep, and it does not come about because of environmental factors (like alcohol and cigarettes).

 

It makes a a lot more sense to me to want sex than to desire alcohol, cigarettes, etc. We aren't born with a desire for alcohol or cigarettes, nor is there an equivalent "alcohol" or "cigarette" puberty. I don't know anyone who has never desired sex, but I know plenty of people who have never desired alcohol or cigarettes.

 

Are you female by an chance? I can't imagine a guy saying this.

 

 

Did you miss the part where I said I just had a baby. I don't know any men that can do that. Regardless of that tripe on TV about a *man* having a baby - but I digress (that's another topic).

 

I disagree with you, and not because I have strange logic. I disagree because at puberty we don't suddenly have a *need* for sex, we have growing sexual *desires*. Desire and need are two different things.

 

No technicalities about it, you won't die if you don't have sex. Period.

 

But you are right about one thing. Or should I say, I agree with you on one point you made: a man would likely NEVER say what I have said. LOL.

[stoopid_guy]

But I get the sense that your W isn't getting something that she needs from you within your M or she would be more intimate with you, IMHO. See my H had an EA but it had more to do with the fact that he wasn't as invested in the marriage as he believed he was. When he saw that, things changed.

 

Maybe you should ask your W what her needs are and she might be able to meet yours better?

Actually, I think she IS getting everything she needs, that's the problem. She simply cannot understand why intimacy matters.

 

I tried for years (literally) to get her excited about intimacy. I asked her what she needed, what she wanted, how I could "turn her on," all with no results. When I quit trying, she got happier and our friendship got stronger.

 

She told me at one point that she didn't see why people would want to sit around and kiss (after we'd been married for several years.) She's not a bad person, she simply can't relate to it.

[quankanne]

I am asking about people who act like not having sex is akin to starving to death. People that will break up a relationship because their partner can't have sex for a season, or forever. People that just seem to only equate a relationship to having sex with the partner and not the friendship and companionship part.

 

because for them, sex is the be-all, end-all of a relationship. Almost as if it's the sole thing that defines a relationship, and it's hard to fathom how a relationship can happily exist with little or no boinking.

 

guess a whole lotta people are going to be in for a huge surprise in their golden years

[quankanne]

though, to be honest, stoo's observation about the need for intimacy figures in very much with being able to be in a sexless long-term relationship: It's much harder trying to be excited about being together when your partner decides that "no sex" means "no physical contact whatsoever."

 

I guess maybe this is why I don't see what the big deal is about sexless relationships when mine doesn't have a lack of intimacy issue.

[mental_traveller]

methink your libido is very low...

 

Sex, IMO, in a relationship, is as important as anything else..if not more.

 

If it wasn't, most men wouldn't cheat.

 

Like I said before.. sex is NOT as important for women as it is for men... for some reason..

 

Maybe you think that way... but most people don't.

 

I agree 100%.

 

Sex is important because for most men (I can't speak for women, but I imagine lots of them too) it is a *necessity*. If you don't have it with your guy, then if he has a healthy sex drive he will either go nuts and start to resent you, or get it elsewhere.

 

If you know something is really important to your partner, why would you deliberately cause them pain and suffering by denying it? It should be important to you because it's important to him.

 

Now if you are single, then fine - be celibate as long as you like. But if you are with a guy, then having no sex means inflicting slow, painful, Chinese water torture on him. Eventually it will come back to haunt you - either in resentment, infidelity, or divorce.

[mental_traveller]

I disagree because at puberty we don't suddenly have a *need* for sex, we have growing sexual *desires*. Desire and need are two different things.

 

No technicalities about it, you won't die if you don't have sex. Period.

 

 

You won't die if you spend the rest of your life in a prison cell being beaten and tortured. You won't die if you become a paraplegic or go blind. You won't die if you go broke and spend the next 30 years in poverty. So technically you don't need freedom, or a working body, or money.

 

That doesn't mean those aren't incredibly bad situations. Being stuck in a sexless relationship is not quite as bad, but it's fairly close. The only reason you don't see that is because you have no sex drive, and you have never been a man (or a highly sexed woman). It's kinda like a man trying to understand PMT or pregnancy.

 

A further point - without sex, the human race would be extinct. So there's a pretty strong argument it is your *duty* to have sex as much as possible

[NoIDidn't]

Thanks Q, for answering in the spirit of the question. I am not saying that a sexless relationship is the goal, people!!!!!

 

Stop reading into the question.

 

I am asking why SOME people only miss the sex when a relationship is over. Why is that the only thing it seems that SOME people can think about? They don't say that they miss the way that the person buttered their toast or how they liked sugar in their hot chocolate. But said, they didn't know when the next time they will be able to have sex.

 

Why this is being turned into a thread about sexless relationships is beyond me? And it is CERTAINLY NOT about me or my sex life. So let's stay on topic and stop leading into territory this thread was not intended to address....

 

Thanks.

[White Flower]

NJ touched on what I was going to reply with:

 

 

 

Exactly. I think two people who don't really care about sex can have a perfectly good marriage. But if one wants it and the other doesn't, then you've got a problem.

 

Many men (and women too) equate sex with feeling needed and desired. And if they don't get that, it feels like a form of rejection to them.

 

People want and need what they want/need. There's no right or wrong here.

 

You say we can "survive" with out. Yes, but do you want to merely survive..or do you want to really live? There's a difference.

I agree here. Yes, a good relationship can survive just about anything. But what about living? Experiencing great joy?

 

I also think people should experience sex with a few partners before marriage. I apologize for stepping on anyone's religious beliefs. I was religious and married young so I wouln't 'burn in the flesh.' God, what a mistake.

 

After having been with exMM I learned sooo much about my body. NID, if you ever felt the tingling down below just from a single kiss then you would know why the passion would be missed. I'm not talking something you just notice. I'm talking it feels like his hands are there even when they aren't. It is pure chemistry. I never once felt that for my H, EVER and I loved him for a very long time.

 

I do miss the passion from exMM. And the love.

[NoIDidn't]

I agree here. Yes, a good relationship can survive just about anything. But what about living? Experiencing great joy?

 

I also think people should experience sex with a few partners before marriage. I apologize for stepping on anyone's religious beliefs. I was religious and married young so I wouln't 'burn in the flesh.' God, what a mistake.

 

After having been with exMM I learned sooo much about my body. NID, if you ever felt the tingling down below just from a single kiss then you would know why the passion would be missed. I'm not talking something you just notice. I'm talking it feels like his hands are there even when they aren't. It is pure chemistry. I never once felt that for my H, EVER and I loved him for a very long time.

 

I do miss the passion from exMM. And the love.

 

This thread isn't about my sex life. But I do know about the tingle just from a kiss. I thought that was common. I wasn't aware that people actually didn't feel this way. I would never have sex with a man that couldn't give me that sensation.

 

But in regards to the actual question in the thread op: you aren't one of those people if you also remember the love with exMM (at least the love you had for him). KWIM?

[NoIDidn't]

You won't die if you spend the rest of your life in a prison cell being beaten and tortured. You won't die if you become a paraplegic or go blind. You won't die if you go broke and spend the next 30 years in poverty. So technically you don't need freedom, or a working body, or money.

 

That doesn't mean those aren't incredibly bad situations. Being stuck in a sexless relationship is not quite as bad, but it's fairly close. The only reason you don't see that is because you have no sex drive, and you have never been a man (or a highly sexed woman). It's kinda like a man trying to understand PMT or pregnancy.

 

A further point - without sex, the human race would be extinct. So there's a pretty strong argument it is your *duty* to have sex as much as possible

 

Something about this post really bothers me. Perhaps its the implication that not being given sex is somehow intended to kill men?

 

Last time I checked, torture can have death as an outcome if the health of the person being torture is overestimated. Not having sex doesn't have death as an outcome. Geeesh.

 

I am not about to say whether I have ever been a highly sexed woman or not, but please leave the assumptions about my sex drive out of this. You wouldn't know.

[White Flower]

This thread isn't about my sex life. But I do know about the tingle just from a kiss. I thought that was common. I wasn't aware that people actually didn't feel this way. I would never have sex with a man that couldn't give me that sensation.

 

But in regards to the actual question in the thread op: you aren't one of those people if you also remember the love with exMM (at least the love you had for him). KWIM?

OK! I thought since you asked, 'What am I missing here?' that you were talking about yourself.

 

Yeah, I actually 'didn't feel that way' for my H. Guess it was all love and a sort of...minimized...passion? It wasn't earth-shattering like it was with exMM. That was the kind of stuff they write novels about that I never believed before. Anyway, yeah, I KWUM I suppose because I miss the love as well as the passion.

[JustinWolf]

I got two words for ya: Lib ido!

 

As for missing an ex for the sex? You betcha it can happen. Imagine you have the most wildest girlfriend and she has a sex drive with which she could run a marathon with you. I mean you get home and you can barely walk. I'd miss that

 

Remember, SEX is GOOD.

 

I keep it under control by masturbating twice daily

Interesting.

[stoopid_guy]

I am asking why SOME people only miss the sex when a relationship is over. Why is that the only thing it seems that SOME people can think about? They don't say that they miss the way that the person buttered their toast or how they liked sugar in their hot chocolate. But said' date=' they didn't know when the next time they will be able to have sex.[/quote']

Why ask why?

 

In all seriousness, there are some things we just have to accept. Sex is more important to some than others. We don't have to have the same sexual appetites as them, but we do have to accept that those appetites may be strong and a major part of who they are. For example, I do not understand how anyone can find a man sexually attractive. I accept that they do, and I'm very glad that they do. I simply cannot relate to it.

 

For me personally (and for many others) intimate contact is the most primal way to express approval and appreciation. I'd rather have one soft, sweet kiss than hear "I love you" a thousand times. A warm hug can have me floating on "cloud nine" the rest of the day. I crave that. Maybe it's an addiction? Perhaps, all I know is that it's very real, and making love is the ultimate intimate contact.

[fral945]

I disagree with you, and not because I have strange logic. I disagree because at puberty we don't suddenly have a *need* for sex, we have growing sexual *desires*. Desire and need are two different things.

 

No technicalities about it, you won't die if you don't have sex. Period.

 

True, though (as one of the other posters mentioned) just because you won't die doesn't mean it can't affect you physically and mentally.

 

But you are right about one thing. Or should I say' date=' I agree with you on one point you made: a man would likely NEVER say what I have said. LOL.[/quote']

 

Glad you acknowledge that. You also wouldn't die if you had a husband/boyfriend that never talked with you. Would you be an relationship or be affected negatively if your husband/boyfriend never talked to you?

 

Thanks Q, for answering in the spirit of the question. I am not saying that a sexless relationship is the goal, people!!!!!

 

Stop reading into the question.

 

Ok, so without us having to read your thoughts, can you tell us exactly why you want to know this? Or why it bothers you? This is an odd question if it doesn't involve your life in some way.

 

I am asking why SOME people only miss the sex when a relationship is over. Why is that the only thing it seems that SOME people can think about?

 

My best guess is you romanticize the past, and if the sex was good, that's what 1st pops to mind. I would think for many relationships (especially short term) sex is one of the more fun and exciting parts.

 

They don't say that they miss the way that the person buttered their toast or how they liked sugar in their hot chocolate. But said' date=' they didn't know when the next time they will be able to have sex.[/quote']

 

Is this what you would rather them say?

[Miranda]

Sex is important to me. But what's behind the sex (in my relationship, at least) is far more the important thing. And if we weren't having sex, I'd be upset, because it would mean that something was wrong with that more important, underlying connection. Not because I wasn't getting off. Getting off isn't really a problem.

[smoothrider]

People reflect on sex after a failed relationship because it was usually the only good thing going for it, you will only get these conversations out of friends.

 

*if your partner is telling you how good their ex was in bed or even how bad then I hope this isn't a recurring topic*

 

The person they were with could of been a complete jackass but the sex was amazing it.

 

Look in life for an ideal long lasting relationship not only do you have to be mentally compatible but also sexually. You need similar sex drives, and a connection mentally of shared interests but enough individuality and quirks to keep things going.

 

The problem as someone said is when a couple are clearly not on the same page on this. One person has a high sex drive the other doesnt, or a relationship is based on just the sex and theres no mental connection or it's all mental and no sexual buth create barriers.

 

How often do you read about someone who's cheated saying "I cheated on my wife but she's my best friend but lately the past year she wont have sex with me and wont even give me a bj" see theres the problem they are no longer compatible maybe it's a permanent change and for whatever reasons they can't face up to the fact they're not meant for eachother anymore because of circumstances be it finances, children or what the community will think.

 

If both partners have little to no interest in sex but are generally best friends,still cuddle and kiss then there's no real issue aslong as one day one of them doesn't decide you know what my sexual appetite is back. However someone made a point we can't be having sex forever eventually we're going to get old and all we have is the mental .. the emotions. Well technically the women coudl still get off I really don't understand why women past 80 just stop. Vaginas can still give much pleasure. Now as an old man there will be a time doesn't matter how many blue pills you take it's not getting up.

 

Some people refuse to think of the big picture they think in the now. They want it all. Great sex, security and emotional stimulation. Others are just content in finding a soulmate with similar interest that they 100% want to grow old with spiritually and mentally.

 

Sadly we're all wired differently.

 

Yours Sincerely the serial cheater.

[NoIDidn't]

Glad you acknowledge that. You also wouldn't die if you had a husband/boyfriend that never talked with you.

 

That hurt! But I am not in a sexless or "talkless" relationship! I couldn't *live* in either. LOL.

 

 

Ok, so without us having to read your thoughts, can you tell us exactly why you want to know this? Or why it bothers you? This is an odd question if it doesn't involve your life in some way.

 

I wrote my reasons in a reply to another poster. I'm a curious person and like to analyze others is the best I got.

 

 

 

My best guess is you romanticize the past, and if the sex was good, that's what 1st pops to mind. I would think for many relationships (especially short term) sex is one of the more fun and exciting parts.

 

I agree.

[fral945]

I wrote my reasons in a reply to another poster. I'm a curious person and like to analyze others is the best I got.

Ok, whatever floats your boat.

[LostinLifeGal]

I have been married 6 years. I am 29 and my husband is 35. We honestly have sex like once a month, max twice... We re very physically affectionate. Unfortunately we are also very busy in our individual jobs and get REALLY tired in the evenings and night... So sex takes a back seat...

 

And after being together so long its honestly not too exciting.... even my husband says he thinks companionship/love is the most important thing in a marriage, not sex...I sort of agree with him, I love him to death! He is awesome and we get along great..

 

so basically depends on relationship to relationship...