porter218 Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I just found out this morning that my husband has been lying to me about his drug use. We have had a rocky marriage as it is, and I have already given him a couple second chances over his infidelity. But now I don't know what to do. We have actually been very happy since I gave him this last chance, and now I find out that he is lying.. I never approved of his drug use and one of the conditions of us working out our marriage was for him to no longer use drugs. I know for a fact that he didn't throughout Feb. and March but have had some suspicions since April. When I confronted him about my findings this morning he denied it and went ballistic saying that I am making him hate me.WTF. I know that he did it for a fact and he still continued to lie about it so I told him to leave...not for just a little while but for good. I told him don't call me unless it is about his son. I just want some feedback on how I handled this. I love him very much but I just can't deal with dishonesty from him...If he lies about this then what else will he lie about? Is this worth ending my marriage over? Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 23, 2008 Share Posted July 23, 2008 I don't think you're being too severe. What type of drug(s?) are we talking here? Is this a substance abuse problem or does he believe it is recreational? From what you've said above, he is not actively working toward reconciling your M. What do you want to happen here? Have you had any IC or MC? And have you tried Al-anon? Link to post Share on other sites
Author porter218 Posted July 23, 2008 Author Share Posted July 23, 2008 Well he has been improved a lot since our 9 month separation. He seems like a new and better person. But I guess he didn't fix everything. I found evidence of cocaine use....most likely done yesterday. I absolutely HATE this drug. It makes people secretive and not to mention expensive. I think that he is more at risk for another affair when he is using. I don't know if he considers his recent use to be recreational...since he denies that he even used it. I am sure it isn't daily but the fact that he continues to lie about it makes me think that he hasn't changed as much as I had thought. I just feel really let down because we have been sooooo happy lately. I have been doing IC and he has come to a few MC sessions. Guess it is time to schedule my next IC appt. lol. Still not sure what I want to see happen. I am inclined to say divorce papers? I just don't think I have the time for this cr*p anymore. I would at least like to see a little honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I found evidence of cocaine use....most likely done yesterday. I absolutely HATE this drug. I am sure it isn't daily but the fact that he continues to lie about it makes me think that he hasn't changed as much as I had thought. I just feel really let down because we have been sooooo happy lately. I have been doing IC and he has come to a few MC sessions. Guess it is time to schedule my next IC appt. lol. Still not sure what I want to see happen. I am inclined to say divorce papers? I just don't think I have the time for this cr*p anymore. I would at least like to see a little honesty. I was wondering if it was pot, which still can wreck R's, but cocaine, that's a pretty hefty drug IMO and you have every right to say that you won't subject yourself and your children to people under the influence. If he's secretive about it and denying he used, then he probably has a substance abuse problem and that's something that has to be addressed or he will continue to use. Stay in counseling. You need the support and they'll be help better than I can. Decide what you must have in order to stay together. If he won't agree, then maybe you do need to explore the legal options. This is serious crap and you need to protect yourself and your child(ren?). Asking for him to be honest isn't too much to ask. (((HUGS))) GEL Link to post Share on other sites
Author porter218 Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 I was wondering if it was pot, which still can wreck R's Oh no definitely not pot. I could care less about that "drug". Yes it is children. A 3yr old..a baby on the way and I have custody of his 11yr old. I definitely don't want this mess around them!! But really, given his history it is the dishonesty that is killing me the most. Link to post Share on other sites
GreenEyedLady Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Oh no definitely not pot. I could care less about that "drug". Yes it is children. A 3yr old..a baby on the way and I have custody of his 11yr old. I definitely don't want this mess around them!! But really, given his history it is the dishonesty that is killing me the most. I feel for you. Make sure and take care of yourself and limit your stress as much as you can. Can you do yoga or take walks? I understand your problem with the dishonesty. I think there will be a point where you're going to have to say that you can't stay in a R with someone who refuses to be honest with you. His choices affect you and your children's lives. (((HUGS))) Link to post Share on other sites
imagine Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 Hey there Porter I can see from your various posts that you are a strong woman. I respect your hesitancy to reject your husband even after breaking trust on the drugs sitch. My take on this is that you need to look at advise from professionals rather than us well wishers. Substance abuse such as that of cocaine requires input from very experienced people who deal with the consequences of the same. I know enough to know I don't know enough! Link to post Share on other sites
Author porter218 Posted July 24, 2008 Author Share Posted July 24, 2008 Hey there Porter I can see from your various posts that you are a strong woman. I respect your hesitancy to reject your husband even after breaking trust on the drugs sitch. My take on this is that you need to look at advise from professionals rather than us well wishers. Substance abuse such as that of cocaine requires input from very experienced people who deal with the consequences of the same. I know enough to know I don't know enough! It is not so much the drug problem that I am seeking advice on. It is more about the lies. I fully understand that the issue with the drugs needs professional advice, but I am at a crossroads and wondering if I should even continue my marriage. My issue is that he has a long history of dishonesty with me and now I am feeling like this lie is the straw that broke the camels back. I just want to know if this is wrong of me to let go of him at this point after all that we have been through and survived. Link to post Share on other sites
Lizzie60 Posted July 24, 2008 Share Posted July 24, 2008 I don't think anyone can be TOO severe when it comes to stuff we cannot tolerate.. If you cannot live with him doing drug (I wouldn't).. then you need to leave him.. because I doubt he will ever change.. sorry.. but addictions suck.. unless he goes in rehab.. he won't change. Link to post Share on other sites
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