He invited me to his house.

[OpenBook]

OpenBook, I don't know how to ask this question, but I'm going to try because I always find it interesting when a woman takes on a view like yours.

 

I understand the concept of switching partners to keep the excitement alive and I understand why it appeals to women as well as men. What I don't know, is, how a woman can attract and switch to new partners after she gets past her "date of sale". I guess I just assumed that any woman around 35 or older would worry about that and would want a stable partner. I'm assuming from your post that you're older (and my apologies if I'm wrong) and I'm currious about what your thoughts on this are.

 

:D:D I don't understand it either, angie. I had always assumed the same "date of sale" thing as well... and that once I reached my age I wouldn't care about it anymore (and neither would anyone else). But I was way wrong. I am getting more offers in my "old age" (I'm 48) than I EVER have at ANY TIME before in my life. EVER. I don't get it. The only thing I can come up with is, it seems to be an in-between age where I'm attracting younger guys as well as older ones... so the pool has widened.

 

As far as me wanting a stable partner, nope, that's not a priority anymore for me. (It used to be, but the Urge To Merge completely vanished right around the time my daughter went off to college.) I relish and treasure my independence now. It's exhilarating!! :bunny:

[OpenBook]

My advice is to stay away from the married man's house. Actually, just stay away from married men: because, they all turn out to be pigs. Mine really lead me to believe he was a kind and sensitive man, who really cared about me. HA!

 

You really got ahold of a doozy, UL. Aren't you glad you didn't sleep with him?!? It sounds like sour grapes on his part. He didn't get his way. Just keep holding your head up at work, with that knowledge. Soon enough he will show his true colors and get involved with someone else... giving the gossips another target.

 

Using such a wide brush to paint based on your experience does not go over well. Does this mean you will never marry because then you will have a "married man" in your life?

 

Hey, give her a break she's in her 20's!! We live and we learn. All of us. No exceptions.

[Lizzie60]

OpenBook, I don't know how to ask this question, but I'm going to try because I always find it interesting when a woman takes on a view like yours.

 

I understand the concept of switching partners to keep the excitement alive and I understand why it appeals to women as well as men. What I don't know, is, how a woman can attract and switch to new partners after she gets past her "date of sale". I guess I just assumed that any woman around 35 or older would worry about that and would want a stable partner. I'm assuming from your post that you're older (and my apologies if I'm wrong) and I'm currious about what your thoughts on this are.

 

Wow.. I have to say that I separated when I was 44... my body had changed about 2 years before that.. I quit smoking.. etc..etc.. my body changed.. (for the better) .. then I became way more attractive.. I reached my 'peak' from 45 to 54... I had more 'hits' than I never would dream possible for a woman my age.. and mostly from much younger men...

 

Do I want to settle down now.. after I was 'settled down' for most of my life.. no thanks.. I looove every single minute of my single life...

[Lizzie60]

All went well..it was fun. I only stayed for a few hours.. he wanted me to stay overnight.. but I knew I wouldn't have slept one minute..

 

The hot tub was fun... he gave me a 'tour' of his home..

 

It was all nice.. and we were careful..

[silktricks]

I am hoping that someone will prove me wrong in my theory. I'm sure there ARE exceptions out there (Tommyr comes to mind). But they are all too rare. Sexual passion cannot survive a LTR in most cases.

 

No one will ever prove you wrong - to you - because you will believe what you want to believe, and you gave yourself an out by adding now the "in most cases" saver .

 

But anyway, my husband and I have ALWAYS had sexual passion. We've never lost it, nor has it ever waned, for either of us. We've been together for over 30 years. I'd call that long-term. Have we had problems? You betcha! We're both fiery, creative, intense, passionate people. Our relationship has been anything but boring - sexually or any other way .

[Touche]

That's wonderful, silktricks but you're wasting your time. They'll never believe it. We're married 13 years and it's still "hot" because we make it so. Do we rush home at lunchtime for a little "fun" like we used to? No. But it's still very much there. And I wouldn't trade what we have for anything on this earth.

 

OW Woman, you're confusing me. On one hand you state that you and your MM are "exclusive" (which sounds like an oxymoron to me), and elsewhere you state that there's no expectation of monogamy.

 

Am I missing something?

 

Open Book, I hadn't realized we were so close in age. It's sad to me to see a contemporary become so jaded and cynical. Many LTR's are still passionate.

 

The close bond of relationship where two people stick together through thick and thin is what fuels the passion for us and I suspect many other marriages.

 

There's something about getting through the tough times and coming out on the other side that bonds us. There's something about dreaming and planning and reaching our goals together.

 

It's really sad to me that some people think passion in a LTR is so rare. I know it's not.

[bish]

I have to agree and from what I read here.. most OWs are a lot 'classier' and smarter than many BS...

 

I can swear that if LShackers who would meet any OW on here in real life.. would have absolutely no idea that they are the OWs..

 

While this is true, upon discovery of how one really is after a while, the respect level would tank.

[silktricks]

That's wonderful, silktricks but you're wasting your time. They'll never believe it.

 

I know. Sad isn't it. I think that some people need to believe that "no one" has something because they don't .

 

The closeness and passion my husband and I share has even grown since we worked our way through our problems. And as I said - lack of passion has never been an issue for us !

[Touche]

While this is true, upon discovery of how one really is after a while, the respect level would tank.

 

Of course. I've said that a million times. The shoes and handbag do not a woman make. So what if some of them don't dress or look like "sluts." It's the behavior that gives them away.

 

The expression "a wolf in sheep's clothing" comes to mind.

[Touche]

I know. Sad isn't it. I think that some people need to believe that "no one" has something because they don't .

 

The closeness and passion my husband and I share has even grown since we worked our way through our problems. And as I said - lack of passion has never been an issue for us !

 

I know it. And I believe you.

 

The thing is, is that they'll see that just because we have that doesn't mean that many do. They'll say we're the exception. I don't really believe that.

 

But the thing is, even if we ARE the exception, why wouldn't they want to shoot for that? Why settle for so little? Why not believe that you can have that too?

 

I've never been one to want to settle for mediocrity so I guess I can't understand those who would.

[pollywag]

I've never been one to want to settle for mediocrity so I guess I can't understand those who would.

 

 

Really, that's odd that you would not be able to understand the things people do for love when you have talked openly many times about your last abusive relationship you were in and how long it took you to get out of that?

 

Touche, don't we all settle for mediocrity at one point or another? Just because you forget what that's like it doesn't mean you don't understand it.

[Touche]

Really, that's odd that you would not be able to understand the things people do for love when you have talked openly many times about your last abusive relationship you were in and how long it took you to get out of that?

 

Touche, don't we all settle for mediocrity at one point or another? Just because you forget what that's like it doesn't mean you don't understand it.

 

No I didn't settle. I got out of it. Had I settled, I would have stayed in it or gotten out of it and gotten myself right back into another one.

 

I do understand it. I'm not putting anyone down. Call it a "gentle reminder." I only say what I wish I'd heard and listened to when I was in a less than desirable relationship.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I found myself needing to take like 10 showers after finding out I had sex with a married woman (she told me the day after we had sex that she was not divorced from her husband) and we had sex in my room. I would feel like dipping myself in acid for a week if I had sex on their bed in their house. There is just something extra disgusting, disrespectful, disturbing, disenchanting, disgraceful, and any other dis- one can think of when doing it in their house or bed.

 

 

DNR

[pollywag]

The closeness and passion my husband and I share has even grown since we worked our way through our problems. And as I said - lack of passion has never been an issue for us !

 

 

But the suspicion never goes away, it's a huge trade off and it takes somewhat of a conformist attitude to settle for such a big trade off.

[Touche]

I found myself needing to take like 10 showers after finding out I had sex with a married woman (she told me the day after we had sex that she was not divorced from her husband) and we had sex in my room. I would feel like dipping myself in acid for a week if I had sex on their bed in their house. There is just something extra disgusting, disrespectful, disturbing, disenchanting, disgraceful, and any other dis- one can think of when doing it in their house or bed.

 

 

DNR

 

Was she separated at least?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Sorry, I need to change house to home... A home is more personal and intimate than house.

 

 

DNR

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Was she separated at least?

 

No. She told me she was divorced. And separate still equals married.

 

 

DNR

[pollywag]

No I didn't settle. I got out of it. Had I settled, I would have stayed in it or gotten out of it and gotten myself right back into another one.

 

 

 

Yes but before you got out of it you settled and for a long time and my point is you can't see the light unless you feel like you have settled. If the feeling of "settling" never plays out then that means what you are doing is fine, it does not go against any deep believes and it does not contradict you conscience.

[Touche]

No. She told me she was divorced. And separate still equals married.

 

 

DNR

 

Oh ok. Well I was separated (moved to another state) when I met my H and we even became engaged while I was still legally married. I would have divorced right away but the law called for a six month separation before a divorce would be granted.

 

I'm sure glad my H didn't think like you do or we probably wouldn't be married now.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

For me it is about self respect, not being a convince when things aren't going right, and being patient enough to do what is right, not just for myself, but for those I claim I love. I will not chance my happiness that way, it does not matter even if the marriage works out, I will still have that shame that I am willing to be someone's seconds while they are married.

 

Besides, I know from experiences of my friends and my own brother that a lot of times than not, more than enough separated partners wind up getting back together, leaving that person heartbroken. A few even got physical with their ex and their partner, which wound up still destroying the marriage because that partner did not even know or felt like the rekindled relationship was based on lies and secrets.

 

I am glad to be the man I am because it is better for me in the long run, even if it may mean I have to marry someone else.

 

 

DNR

[Touche]

Yes but before you got out of it you settled and for a long time and my point is you can't see the light unless you feel like you have settled. If the feeling of "settling" never plays out then that means what you are doing is fine, it does not go against any deep believes and it does not contradict you conscience.

 

No, I knew that I wasn't getting what I deserved when I was in it. It just took me a long time to screw up the courage to leave.

 

That's not the same dynamic as we're seeing played out here on this thread. Two entirely different things.

 

But I can see your point about not even thinking you're settling so it's not really settling. I don't know. I think deep down some of these women must know that they are.

 

And even if they don't, by most people's standards if not their own, they're still settling for mediocrity. If that's ok with them, then who are we to judge? I guess that's your point and I get that.

 

But I'll judge anyway. Just like I'll judge the woman who says she is "mostly" happy in an abusive situation. It doesn't matter what she says. I'll still point out that she shouldn't "settle" for that. I couldn't in good conscience tell her "well, as long as you're happy being beaten up only twice a month because the rest of the time, it's great then that's all that counts."

 

This is no different to me. I'll still say what I think.

 

We just don't agree on this one.

[Touche]

For me it is about self respect, not being a convince when things aren't going right, and being patient enough to do what is right, not just for myself, but for those I claim I love. I will not chance my happiness that way, it does not matter even if the marriage works out, I will still have that shame that I am willing to be someone's seconds while they are married.

 

Besides, I know from experiences of my friends and my own brother that a lot of times than not, more than enough separated partners wind up getting back together, leaving that person heartbroken. A few even got physical with their ex and their partner, which wound up still destroying the marriage because that partner did not even know or felt like the rekindled relationship was based on lies and secrets.

 

I am glad to be the man I am because it is better for me in the long run, even if it may mean I have to marry someone else.

 

 

DNR

 

I can respect that.

 

I'm just glad my H believed me that my marriage was over and decided to take that risk.

[OWoman]

OW Woman, you're confusing me. On one hand you state that you and your MM are "exclusive" (which sounds like an oxymoron to me), and elsewhere you state that there's no expectation of monogamy.

 

Am I missing something?

 

Maybe

 

MM and I are exclusive, and were for a good while before he left his M. Once we got involved, the contrast showed up his M (all aspects, not just the sexual ones) in the harsh light of day and he started to realise that that's not what love was. And as the true nature of the M dawned, any residual connection to his W faded and he became physically unable to become aroused in her presence (not just by her - he couldn't even fake it by trying to pretend it wasn't her but someone else). Any physical contact between them ceased - even posed photographs have them standing stiffly several feet apart - and his sole sexual contact was with me (or himself).

 

I had an assortment of MMs on tap, but as (this) MM and I became drawn to each other in more complex ways, I lost interest in and attraction to the others and let them fall by the wayside, becoming sexually exclusive with MM. That wasn't planned. It wasn't intended - in fact, it's contrary to what was intended - but it just happened that way. My libido is as high as ever, but its direction is now singularly focused. Other guys just don't do it for me anymore.

 

Politically, I find the notion of monogamy oppressive and the idea of sexual exclusivity unnatural. It's not something I seek nor embrace. That I find myself practising it, de facto, is something I struggle with but I can't force sexual attraction where there is none and who I sleep with is something I'm very particular about. No desire, no deal.

 

I'm not by nature a sexual monogamite. I regard this current phase as atypical and politically my views have not changed. Sexual exclusivity is something accidental happening to me - to us - now, but it is not something I'd want to hold to nor something I aspire to nor something I'd expect or demand. It's just how it is, for now. It may last, or equally it may not. Whichever way, I'll accept it as an accident of hormones.

[bish]

MM and I are exclusive,

 

For now.....

[silktricks]

But the suspicion never goes away, it's a huge trade off and it takes somewhat of a conformist attitude to settle for such a big trade off.

 

Maybe it wouldn't go away for you, I don't know. Please, though, do not presume to say what does or does not happen for anyone else - most especially for me.

 

The suspicion DOES go away for some people. It did for me. I would not have stayed if it had not gone away. It wouldn't have been fair to either of us.

 

AND don't presume what kind of attitude I do or do not have, it only shows your attitude - it says nothing about me.