Foxy_Roxy Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 My boyfriend of 4 years and I have had a very stormy relationship with many near breakups. Recently, we argued over something relatively minor right before my birthday. We didn't speak for days after and he wouldn't acknowledge me on my birthday. I was very hurt. This was like the straw that broke the camel's back for me. That night, I wrote him a note and told him that I wanted him to move out. Here's the rub, financially we are fairly dependent on each other and while we could probably survive living separately, it would be much harder. It would probably mean second jobs for both of us. Recently we spoke (first time in over a week), and after a very stormy start (we break all of the rules when fighting, personalization, name calling, interrupting...you name it, we do it!) we settled into talking about what to do about our situation. He suggested that maybe we should move into separate rooms in my two bedroom house. His theory is that we can still help each other financially, and maybe it would be good for our relationship. My question is this - is financial help worth what this is going to cost me emotionally? I still have feelings for him, how do I make sense of how I feel when he's there all of the time? And our physical relationship was often times the best part of our situation, so if I can't have that, but I still have deal with sharing a bathroom and a kitchen with him, is it worth it? The financial argument is strong, so I'm really floundering here. Anyone with any ideas on how to make it work, or if I should run like hell from this idea and bite the bullet on the second job to pay the bills... Thanks in advance for any and all help, Roxy Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 why can't you live with a roommate? same savings, no emotional trouble. -yes Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foxy_Roxy Posted August 4, 2003 Author Share Posted August 4, 2003 The house isn't *really* big enough for a room mate. I guess it's sort of a case of "better the devil you know"... you know what I mean? I don't know, maybe it's all justification... Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 I don't know, maybe it's all justification... That's what it sounds like to me. Why not move into a studio apartment or a cheaper place so you can afford to live alone? Or move into a different two bedroom house with a different roommate. You have tons of options, here. I see no reason why you would ever want to keep living with your ex. You realize what will happen, right? You will never be able to move on and date anyone else. Even if he is "officially" in a separate bedroom, this just seems like a bad idea all around. is financial help worth what this is going to cost me emotionally? I don't think saving money is ever worth risking emotional health. I still have feelings for him, how do I make sense of how I feel when he's there all of the time? You can't. You need a clean break. The financial argument is strong, so I'm really floundering here. As I said above, the financial argument is not strong--it is merely your justification to not let go of the relationship. Once upon a time four years ago you were not dependent on him financially. It's time to be that way again... Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foxy_Roxy Posted August 4, 2003 Author Share Posted August 4, 2003 yeah, I know what you mean. I can never have a clean break if he's constantly wandering around. The good/bad thing - it's my house, my mortgage, my stuff. I asked him to leave and he still will. I just don't know how much I want to work to make up for his being gone. I'd have to get a second job to take care of everything. I guess I just hate the idea of being punished again - first, breaking up, and then getting a second job because of it. crap. this sucks! Link to post Share on other sites
clia Posted August 4, 2003 Share Posted August 4, 2003 it's my house, my mortgage, my stuff. I'd have to get a second job to take care of everything. Why did you buy a house you can't afford unless you have two jobs? I don't know...it'll be hard on you, but you will never move on or get over this with him in your face every day. Is getting a higher paying job an option? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foxy_Roxy Posted August 4, 2003 Author Share Posted August 4, 2003 House isn't really the problem, it's all the other things. Long story there...Plus, he owes me a lot of money (long story there too which is part of the reason why I'd have to get a second job, because I was bailing him out when I should have been taking care of myself - story of my life :| There's no way he can repay me in any decent amount of time if he's scrimping to get by. He's in a worse situation than I am, money wise. It would be hard, I know it would be hard. Actually, either way it's hard. Link to post Share on other sites
nicholeprobst Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 FoxyRoxy, I know EXACTLY what you're looking at and going through. I'm going through the same thing as we speak actually. Except I have a one bedroom apartment! Niether my ex nor I can get by on our own here and he owes me and my family A LOT of money. At first it was REALLY rough...still is a little at times. But, he works nights and I work days...and I got a job like that on purpose. So, because of the difference in our schedules we only have to see each other about 3 hours per day except on our days off. The surprising thing is though....we can be friends and be civil to one another. In fact, we're getting along better now than we have for almost 3 years. So, it's not all bad. I still have feelings for my ex too, he says he doesn't for me though. But, he treats me better now than he has in a VERY LONG time...he even still takes me out, pays a lot of the bills since I make less than him, and still buys me things I like...not often but sometimes. If you and your ex can set some ground rules or something for the living spaces it might help you. Hope it's not too rough on you. Nichole Link to post Share on other sites
Author Foxy_Roxy Posted September 3, 2003 Author Share Posted September 3, 2003 Nicole, thanks for the encouragement! I guess since misery loves company, I'm grateful for yours! We are still struggling to find boudaries and stick to them. I think it's hard because we still care about each other. It sounds like that's the deal with you guys too. I hope you two find a way to co-exist. We still battle back and forth with those old expectations - "you're my partner, you should...." That's the hardest thing for us, the expectations we have. It's what caused us to fall apart to begin with. I just don't know how to not have expectations of the person who I consider my partner. I have a friend who always expects the worst from people and so is only happily surprised when they aren't complete jerks to him. I can't imagine living like that - it's just not who I am. I don't even know if I want to learn to be that person. Good luck to you and hope everything works out for the best for all of us R Link to post Share on other sites
EnigmaXOXO Posted September 3, 2003 Share Posted September 3, 2003 Foxy, I feel so terrible for you! I think in this situation, I would rather take my chances with a roommate rather than be forced to cohabitate with an ex-lover. I might be tempted to go back to the mortgage bank/company to see if I could extend the loan so that I could make smaller monthly installments, and even get a second job if it was required. Or even sell and find a smaller place! I heard some very good advice the other day concerning relationships vs. finances and personal sacrifices. No matter how "in love" you are with someone in the beginning, it is wiser NEVER to invest more into a relationship then you can afford to loose...be in monetary, or otherwise. Link to post Share on other sites
ididntdoit99 Posted September 6, 2003 Share Posted September 6, 2003 wow, thats like my exact situation here, i'm sitting in my little studio apartment, (no bedroom) we have one bed and i get to sleep on the couch, (my choice, i couldnt stand sleeping next to someone who i cant stand to be around anymore) i know i cant afford to live on my own, and neither can she, we depend on eachother, we've never lived alone. moved straight from our parents places to here. but i also cant stand to be around her when i know she is with other guys. she says its not over, we are just taking "time off" to make our relationship better. but i think us still living together is making things worse. its pretty much my fault that things are getting worse, because i cant really control my anger toward her for being with other guys, which pretty much causes us to fight every time she comes home. as far as i'm concerned living together after breakup is a horrible idea, if i could i would go somewhere else. but the only place left is back to my parents, and i'll die b4 i do that. Link to post Share on other sites
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