back for another page in life

[PWSX3]

Well it's been a while but like my friend things aren't going very well.

 

Next month is the one year anniversary for my W's best friends death (cancer) and she is having a hard time with it.

 

We haven't been getting along very well lately & the other day I asked her if she loved me & she said she doesn't know.

 

Then I have been noticing her doing all these things that bring up "red" flags. Went & visited her sister, which she hadn't done for a long time, took money out of her 401K (to pay for our sons Senior year, he goes to private school), isn't very affectionate with me lately, etc. etc.

 

I've asked her to do things together & she always has an excuse, I've really gotten into riding my bicycle which she has no interest in doing so we don't have that in common.

 

We haven't really worked well together on the bills since she moved back in & the other day she asked for a list of our bills that she wanted to start helping.

 

The last thing I thought was different was she said; I don't have the energy and time right now to work on our relationship because of her dealing with her friends passing.

 

It just doesn't add up so today I'm going to come straight out & ask her. I know people lie & won't tell you the truth but hopefully she will at least do that. I'm tired of just waiting around to see what she wants to do, so I might be another one that doesn't have a success story to tell.

 

For those that are thinking of separating I would suggest do everything you can while you are together first because now I feel once you separate it is very hard to build up that trust again.

 

I really don't feel like she put 100% into the marriage once she moved back in & I feel that had a lot to do with it. She also said she sees a lot of the old "ME" coming back but she also admitted some of it could be the way she has treated me.

 

Anyway that is the update, we will see what the next month will bring. I hope everyone is correct when they say; there is life after a divorce.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm sorry to hear things aren't progressing for you, hon.

 

Are you two still in MC? It seems to me that you've got quite a bit to say to your wife. Maybe your old MC can expedite that for you by giving you a safe location and a little gravity to your words.

 

On another note, have you given much thought as to what you'd really want if you had no one else's feelings to consider???

[PWSX3]

I'm sorry to hear things aren't progressing for you, hon.

 

Are you two still in MC? It seems to me that you've got quite a bit to say to your wife. Maybe your old MC can expedite that for you by giving you a safe location and a little gravity to your words.

 

On another note, have you given much thought as to what you'd really want if you had no one else's feelings to consider???

No we are not in MC at this time. The W has been because of the passing of her friend.

 

I have so many thoughts going threw my head that it is spinning. At this time I just feel like giving up.

 

That is something I need to think about, life might be a lot easier if I would just think about myself.

 

I have thought about looking into another MC, the one we have been going to supposes to be a good one in the area, but I wonder if maybe we see things different.

 

I have been listening to a religious radio station a lot lately & I really like what they say about relationships. It seems like every day they will say something that really relates to me.

 

I know keep my chin up & thanks LJ!!

[Mr. Lucky]

The last thing I thought was different was she said; I don't have the energy and time right now to work on our relationship because of her dealing with her friends passing.

No we are not in MC at this time. The W has been because of the passing of her friend.

While I realize we all grieve in our own way, the fact that your W is still so affected by this a year later would be a red flag for me. Either she's dealing with emotional issues bigger than a friend's passing or she has attached some greater meaning to the event. Her refusal to work on your M twelve months down the road has to do with more than just missing a friend...

 

Mr. Lucky

[GreenEyedLady]

It sounds like she is not willing or able to do what you need her to do for you. And you are not being unreasonable.

 

It takes two people to make a R successful and she doesn't seem like she's interested in doing the work.

 

Think about this: can being single be any worse than what you're going through right now?

 

Good luck whatever you choose. You seem like a really nice guy and I wish you the best!

 

GEL

[PWSX3]

It sounds like she is not willing or able to do what you need her to do for you. And you are not being unreasonable.

 

It takes two people to make a R successful and she doesn't seem like she's interested in doing the work.

 

Think about this: can being single be any worse than what you're going through right now?

 

Good luck whatever you choose. You seem like a really nice guy and I wish you the best!

 

GEL

Thanks Gel,

I think of myself as a nice guy, but then don't nice guys end up last?

 

I am torn, it will be hard to give up 26 years of marriage, don't look forward to starting over, but then maybe staying single won't be that bad.

 

If Gunny can do it then I could give it a try.

 

I know it has it's advantages but then those crazy memories of the good times sneak in & kick your arse!!!

 

I figure it will be end of next month maybe Sept. before things will come to a head.

 

I do know one thing, what we have been doing for the last year hasn't been working & we need to make changes even if we stay together.

[GreenEyedLady]

I think of myself as a nice guy, but then don't nice guys end up last?

 

I do know one thing, what we have been doing for the last year hasn't been working & we need to make changes even if we stay together.

 

I can't believe that nice guys end up last. Maybe they end up with it better in the long run.

 

You know what you want. It's just getting there. They say it's the journey that matters, not so much the destination. Sometimes the journeys are bumpier than others.

 

You'll be ok. If she wants to throw 26 years away for what, then she's not the person you thought she was.

 

And you never know, she may surprise you.

 

(((HUGS)))

[Mr. Lucky]

I figure it will be end of next month maybe Sept. before things will come to a head.

What will be different 60 days from now?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Gunny376]

My being and remaining single wasn't so much a choice and as it was a conculsion. After my last LTR GF and I broke up, I woke up to the realization that I had spent (Wasted?) 18-1/2 years of my life with two different women, and literally had nothing to show for the effort.

 

For the beneift of my thing under the age of 10 children, I let the X wife have everything worth stealing, (for the benefit of the chlldren ~ she was leaving me for some joker that she had known for less than six months, and short of her laying down on the matter I figured that with sixteen years in the Marine Corps and just getting back from the First Gulf War that I had a snowball's chance in Hell of getting custody)

 

Mistake No. #2, I moved into the new LTR GF's house for six and half years. I won't ever shack up again. If you move into her house, sooner or later your going to hear these words, "This is my house, its either my way or the highway!" If she moves in with you? Your going to find yourself getting drunk with your head in your hands wondering, "How am I going to get this bitch out my house.

 

When I got out of the Corps I went to college on the GI Bill thinking that would help find a good job. Ended up living in a "Corporate Apartment" that I lucked up on. (Its a fully furnished, decorated apartment leased by a corporation that comes with everything, to include lines, towels, pots, pans, dished, napkins, place mats, tv, VCR, DVD, stereo ~ all you have to do is move in and hang your clothes and toothbrush)

 

I became buddies with the landlord, and worked it around to where all the stuff became mine.

 

I had a hard time finding a decent job. Finally found one out here in this dog-eat-dog world. Bought a used single wide trailer, (paid cash) moved all the "stuff" into it. Good enough for an "old salt of a Spartian Marine like me! At least I'm not sleeping in the rain and some mudhole. I got myself "three hots and a cot" and I'm a happy camper.

 

Went to work, came home ~ worked long and hard over getting over my "addiction to dating, mating, relationships, marriage, etc (and yes it was hard ~ damn hard!)

 

But I was determined to be happy and content in my life ~ subscribing fully and completely to the concept of "Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be!" And I was Hell Bent and Bound for Leather to be happy and content with me, myself and I!

 

And I was going to be damned if I was going to be sitting around in my late sixties in a 20 year old rental single wide trailer eating Oddle of Noodles and rancid cheese sandwiches, bitching and complaining about my first, second, and third (or more) X wife or GF. Driving some piece of crap used car held together with a whole lot of prayer, ducktape and bailing wire. Been there ~ done that!

 

Initially? I gave myself a year of the circuit. One year turned into two, two turned into three.

 

I live in a town of about 15,000, of which about 5000 are college students. Of the remaining 10,000 half are men and half are women ~ more or less. Off the half that are women, more than half of them are either married or otherwise already in a serious relationship. That leaves around 5000.

[Gunny376]

Damned laptop! Can't understand why when I hit the return key? It posts or clicks.

 

Of the remaining 5000, I'm either not attracted to them or they to me for whatever reason. Too young, (College co-eds) or too old. Mental, substance abuse, emotional problems. Looking for a "meal-ticket"/sugar daddy/payday/early retirement plan. Party gals, MLC's, attention-hogs, drama queens, just down right pain in the AZZ!

 

The bottom line is that I just simply can no longer afford to get involved with the wrong women. I don't have the luxuary of time nor youth to start over again. To go back to ChinaMart (WalMart) and buy all that crap that I've already bought over again. I don't have eveything that I want, but I've got everything I need ~ and Gunny doesn't need much to be a Happy Camper. A whole lot less than most women need.

 

A roof over my head, three hots and a cot ~ and I"m good to go. Can even go without A/C or heating.

 

Just throwing somethings out at you "P" the single life isn't for most nor eveyone. But, you've got to understand that I've purposely and deliberately set upon this path. Its not for the faint-hearted. But I was almost conditioned for it from birth. I was abandoned by my mother at age six, my dad was never around, I was raised by my GP's on a long back dirt road in the pine thickets of Alabama with one fireplace, a wood burning stove,an out-house, no A/C, no central heat, no cable, no VCR's no DVD's. The first thing I did when I got off the school bus was to chop wood. My only childhood friends were two old dogs named Buster and Brownie, (who defended to the death from rattlesnakes, stray dogs, boar hogs, Bobcats, etc) That combined with twenty years in the United States Marine Corps, (Jungle Warfare School, Desert Warfare School, Mountain Warefare School, etc ad nauseum)

 

Having gone through all that? The hardest thing I had ever had to do? Was going from being married with a wife and children ~ a FAMILY~ to being single again.

 

It brought this old boy to his ever-loving knees! What Life couldn't break? She did! What my Mother abdonding me didn't break? What the Marine Corps couldn't break and all that they could put me through, test me with, and throw at me? A 5"10, 110 pound woman brought me to my ever-loving knees,.....................crying and begging before God.

 

The answer to your original question? Is this!

 

Can you live,.......................put up with ten more years of THIS?

[Nomad1]

Your life has been challenging and eventful! Your account of your life journey shows that you have managed to carve out a living despite the adversity that life has thrown at you.

 

So PWX3, what lesson can be learnt from Gunny's tale? I am sure Gunny might be able to say something about what he could have done differently during the final chapter to make life easier. It is about boxing clever! What I would do is:

 

1) Continue in the relationship as if there is no problem and use the time to detach emotionally.

2) Accumulate independent assets in preparation for the finale - sole bank account, divert funds, liquidate assets etc.

3) look after No1.

4) Once I have set myself up independently, give her the ILBNILWY + file

 

Life is too short man. I'd rather be the predator rather than the victim.

 

Sorry to say this, but your relationship with this woman is doomed. Time to start planning your exit.

 

Nomad1

[Gunny376]

Your life has been challenging and eventful! Your account of your life journey shows that you have managed to carve out a living despite the adversity that life has thrown at you.

 

So PWX3, what lesson can be learnt from Gunny's tale? I am sure Gunny might be able to say something about what he could have done differently during the final chapter to make life easier. It is about boxing clever! What I would do is:

 

1) Continue in the relationship as if there is no problem and use the time to detach emotionally.

2) Accumulate independent assets in preparation for the finale - sole bank account, divert funds, liquidate assets etc.

3) look after No1.

4) Once I have set myself up independently, give her the ILBNILWY + file

 

Life is too short man. I'd rather be the predator rather than the victim.

 

Sorry to say this, but your relationship with this woman is doomed. Time to start planning your exit.

 

Nomad1

 

If anyone has been trained and conditioned to be single and alone ~ its been I? Almost from childhood. I've been through Marine Corps Bootcapm, Jungle Warfare training, mountain warfare training, desert warfare training, yada,yada, yada.

 

When I went through Jungle Warfare, my partner told the "Controllers" ~ "Yea, "Gunny" killed a dear the first day, and we've been eating pretty good since then!" (I was a Sgt at the time)

 

I know how to live off the land. Part Boy Scouts, Part Marine Corps.

[Gunny376]

And for the record?

 

Yea, I know how to make homemade whiskey and homemade wine. I'm a hi-tech redneck, that knows how to lay a trap-line, Hunt and skin a buck, cook Bruniswick Stew and Barbeque. I'm a lab rat that works in a lab. I've got nitric acid wounds all over my body and clothes! Peel them off every dsy! Just routine!

 

Alabama is my Home!

[PWSX3]

I have my own bank account since the separation last year, we still have a joint one, which we use together.

 

I have a bikejournal reunion coming up & they do things in the evening so I asked the W if she wanted to go to any of it with me & she said; no.

 

I was really surprised we went out to eat last night together.

 

Yesterday morning we had a good talk, it was out of frustration for her but she didn't know I didn't really understand what she is going threw with her friend. That is part of our problem, we don't communicate, think each other knows what we are thinking & it doesn't work.

 

She explained to me how she needs to grieve the death of her friend before she can work on our relationship. She said she needs to do them separately in order to get threw both.

 

What is confusing is she asked me about what bills we had & how much we owe on them, then I found a paper that she had scribbled on that had my name by some, her name by others, then rent. The "rent" was less then what we pay & we have a house payment not rent so that is one of the biggest "red" flags.

 

She comes to bed after I do & doesn't touch me anymore, but she doesn't mind if I touch her as long as I don't smother her she says.

 

Nomad I might take your advice & just start emotionally disconnecting. It will be hard because each day I listen to that radio station & they talk about how we need to work at keeping our marriages together, that we should do everything we can to stay together, but then on the other hand I need the support from the W & I just don't feel I'm getting that anymore.

 

When we first got back together we did good, but I guess it didn't take long for it to go south.

 

I am still doing 80% of the housework, 98% of the cooking. When we come home from work she will set down & read her book most of the evening & that is about it. It really hurts me to see her just set there & that is one things she was saying; she feels I am pushing her to do things she doesn't want to like go for a bike ride, go for a walk, etc. etc.

 

I guess deep down I feel I would be better off without her, but she has been part of my life for so long & am scared to be alone. I know I did well for that 7 months of separation but this time it will be for good, I won't do another trial separation, if she wants to separate it will be see ya, don't let the door hit you on the way out!!!!!

 

Like I told her the other day, when we are getting along we have a great time & that is what will make it hard to leave.

 

Thanks everyone for the support, thanks GEL for the HUG!!!

[Missy27]

Nomad I might take your advice & just start emotionally disconnecting

 

Not sure about that one P ~ Disconnecting from someone doesn't necessarily "solve" the problem ~ A very dear friend of mine has done exactly that in his marriage ~ he and his wife live totally like roomates ~ it's VERY sad ~ She's quite happy with the arrangement because it means that she can go out and do what she likes ~ buy what she wants, get pedicures, manicures, designer clothes, hair coloured every 2 weeks, spray tans and all the rest of that crap on HIS money ~ As long as she lies on her back once a month and "lets him get on with it" (her exact words to me) and as long as she doesn't argue with him or tell him what to do ~ she's made ~

 

He on the other hand is full of self loathing and depression ~ he doesn't love his wife anymore ~ but he doesn't want to leave whilst their children are so young (5 & 7) ~ He does ALL the cooking, cleaning, food shopping, DIY - AND he pays for everything ~ he works 70 hour weeks whilst she sits on her backside doing sod all ~ it makes me seethe ~ I DETEST women like that. I've asked him TIME and TIME again whether he would be happier on his own ~ and his reply is ALWAYS the same ~ "Yes, I would, but my children NEED their mother and father ~ TOGETHER"

 

Personally ~ I think a dysfunctional relationship causes more harm to the kids than anything else ~ I'd prefer to have mom and dad happy and seperated that miserable and together.

 

From what I remember ~ your boys about 16 now isn't he? ~ You'd probably be surprised at how well he would cope if you two were to seperate ~

 

I dont know P ~ Something tells me you're hitting a dead end with this woman ~ From what you've said here ~ I have serious doubts as to whether she's EVER going to be able to step up to the plate and work on the necessary changes within herself to make this thing better ~ It seems like she's happy enough to let you do all of the work and reap the benefits of it ~ but if one little thing isn't to her liking ~ she lays the blame straight back onto you ~ that's not teamwork

 

Ask yourself this one ~ " Would I be happier ~ Would I be a better person and would my life be better with this person or without her ~ and would HER life be happier with me or without me"? ~ I think your wife has serious low self esteem, and I think ALOT of it stems from her weight issues ~ she's probably not happy because she's not healthy ~ she sees you getting fit and healthy and she probably gets a bit of the old "green eyed monster" ~ I only wish she could realise that by getting fit and excercising and eating the right food ~ she'd feel SO MUCH happier ~ and she'd probably be alot more motivated to work on your marriage ~ healthy equals happy ~ and happy makes a marriage work ~ I certainly wouldn't want to divorce someone who was healthy and happy and engaged in their life and marriage ~

 

Is she going to change P ~ ? or is it time for you to think about changing things for YOU ~ ?

[PWSX3]

O.K. so you guys really get me thinking.

 

So do I really love my W or because we have been married so long it is my safe place?

 

After reading what Gunny posted I look at what me & the w have. We have never been able to save money (except 401K) but we have done lots of things in our life instead of saving the money.

 

So does that mean we can't save or that we just enjoy doing things now instead of waiting until we are old?

 

Did I happen to mention my W pulled her 401K out earlier this week, she said it is to pay for our sons last year of high school. He goes to a private school & it costs a lot of money to send him there but he has been there since 1st grade. She told me it is important that us as parents need to give our kids the best education we can & she feels this was the only way we could afford sending him this year. She said she heard it on that radio station I listen to, which surprised me that she listens to it.

 

Now this morning she did give me a hug before going to work, but not a kiss. I really get mixed signals from her.

 

Every since we got back together I have wondered if that was the right thing to do, did we get back together to soon even though it was 7 months?

 

It still bothers me that she is lazy, no motivation, but she is also on about three kinds of meds Effexor, Trazodone, Amlodipine Besylate for a few, but yet I still want to be with her. It just doesn't make since to me why I am so up & down with what I want.

I have always wondered to myself if these meds are really helping or hurting but she thinks they are so I just don't say anything anymore. Another example of me trying to tell her what she can or can't do.

 

I do feel the older I get the more I want to take care of myself & my body & she doesn't seem to care about hers, she would rather take a pill for high blood pressure then to walk in the evenings for example.

 

Could it be we have just grown apart & our two paths are so far apart now that we can't get back together on the same path?

 

I know her weight bothers me, but is that because I know it is unhealthy or is it because I don't have control of what she does?

 

I would love to see her thinner so I could buy her nice cloths, neat outfits, but now she is at the top of the chart at Lane Bryant so it is hard to find cute things.

 

I have tried to get her to try on Capri's, but she always said they wouldn't look good on her. Finally around march she went with me & tried on a pair & now she LOVES:love: them and wears them all the time.

Why didn't she try them on when I asked her to? Just seems like anymore she will just do the opposite of what I want just so she is getting her way.

 

Thanks for letting me vent a little this morning. I guess I need to get out my journal again & start writing in it instead of waisting peoples time here.

 

Thanks Missy, yes I feel the same as your friend sometimes. Our son is 18 but like my buddy told me it is never easy on the kids, he comes from a divorced family.

 

One other note that might be TMI, but last week she went to one of those partys they sell those adult toys & she came home & said she bought some stuff for "US"! (lubes & a toy we can share) so what does that mean?

 

Like I said she hasn't told me it is over, but just things she has done show me she isn't into our relationship anymore.

[GreenEyedLady]

PWSX3

 

You should really go back and read your posts.

 

You're doing everything in the R. Your W isn't even going through the motions.

 

Bottomline, the friend died a year or so ago?

 

What about the other 25 years?

 

If you stay with her, stay for the right reasons. Don't stay because you are afraid to be alone. Because from what you've posted, you already are alone.

 

(((STRENGTH)))

[onmyownagain]

PWSX3

 

I was like you, went back to the wife, we had another couple of years but most of that time was horrible and full of doubt and in the end I had to leave.

 

I left in Janauary and it has been a very hard part of my life.

 

I still don't have anyone in my life, well, not someone I would call a girlfriend as such, but that is through choice, I am enjoying being single for the first time in 15 years and have never been happier.

 

There a lot of women out there just begging for newly single guys:-)

[Kasan]

PWSX3

 

As someone who has been married longer than you, I can relate to the times that one of us put more effort into the marriage than the other.

 

However, with that being said, if you go back and look at our marriage we evened each other out with the amount of effort being put into the marriage.

 

I'm not seeing that with you based on what you have written.

 

I also lost a beloved friend several years ago, but didn't use that as an excuse to check out of the marriage.

 

As hard as it will be for you, you need to have that long overdue, hard talk with your wife. Don't let her sidestep, or make excuses, too much is riding on this for you. You need to know where things stand, and I would lay it all out on the table. After all, don't you owe each other honesty after all this time?

 

I ran into an old friend that I hadn't seen for awhile and she told me that she had moved out of the house and separated from her husband last fall. She told me that she had hung in her marriage for 29 years waiting for her last child to go to college and figured that life was too short to be miserable.

 

I felt so sad for all of them...........to endure 29 years of a marriage that was less than fulfilling waiting for children to grow up just seems so wrong.

[PWSX3]

Driving today at work so I have time to think, not good for someone that anilizes everything to much.

 

I feel I have made good changes for myself but then I got thinking. When you make changes you always have in the back of your mind if they don't work out then you can always go back. Some aren't as big of a deal like trying new foods, going new places.

 

In a marriage when things are tough & you separate/divorce it isn't so easy, you can't just go back. Maybe that is what I'm scared of is knowing I don't have that safety net anymore.

 

Communication is a big one for us, she won't tell me when I do something wrong or something that hurt her then I keep doing it and she finally just blows up about it. Example she told me yesterday she felt I have been trying to get her to be someone she doesn't want to be. I have asked her to go bike riding with me, go hang out after our rides to visit with the people I ride with. I just saw it as trying to do things together, but I didn't realize it was something she isn't interested in doing just because I am.

(Just thinking out loud again)

[Kasan]

In a marriage when things are tough & you separate/divorce it isn't so easy, you can't just go back. Maybe that is what I'm scared of is knowing I don't have that safety net anymore.

 

It would be a daunting task for me to contemplate starting all over in my late 40's such as you. I would have felt that I wasted the best years of my life building a future with someone that I thought would always be there. I would feel that I had failed and I would mourn the loss of a relationship that started off with so much promise.

 

Nothing wrong in my book with you being scared flying without a safety net.

 

There comes a time when you have left no stone unturned to save a marriage, and things aren't any better, you will have to make the hard choice about how you want to spend your remaining years.

 

Trapped in an unhappy marriage with no hope of true promise or joy seems like a slow death to me.

 

Communication is always one of the root problems in a marriage. In my case, my husband is/was a conflict avoider while I am the obnoxious get in your face partner.

 

The good news for us, is that after all these years, I taught my husband how stand toe to toe with me.

 

Another problem we had was that we did things for each based on what we thought the other person wanted and found that many times we were totally wrong--sort of what your wife and you were doing with the bike riding.

 

Knowing your story, I think you will know when enough is enough and will make the decisions that you need to make.

[ilmw]

Hi P.

 

Sorry... could no message you back... would not work??

 

Just read through all the post replying to you... man... There is not much else I can say.

 

Having done the there and back again scenario.... I know the feeling of confusion... and once again... it was not my choice..

 

Our situations are similar... but at the same time... very different.

 

As a few people have stated already... you seem to be doing all the work in the R.... but saying that... in the overall scheme of things... has it always been this way? Has she put in more effort before.. more than you???

 

I remember in a prior LTR... I withdrew emotionally from that R...when I came back a few months later... that woman... who continued to try and make it work... did a 180.... and turned into a mega...B.. then she cheated on me .. and well that ended that.

 

What I am saying is.... if she at one time... did more than you.. and now you feel you are doing more than she... maybe she is withdrawing..... I do... believe a prior poster mentioned this...

 

I will say this though... she does need to stop withdrawing re: the deceased friend... Time to worry about the living... (like her husband)

 

There... a little rushed... but I hope I got a point out there..

 

I should be able to post more now... of all the things I did when I moved... I forgot to hook up cable... and Internet...lol

 

ilmw

[redblack66]

I read your thread as well. Talking from experience: what is broken, is broken. Through a vase on the floor and then try to put it together.

I read many of these books, I worked on the relation, I improved myself, etc., and I am getting

happier and happier with myself.

What I learned is, and thanks to Gunny, jmargel, and Chrome, is MAN UP. The rest I have learned is not that useful in my opinion.

Move on. Tomorrow is one day less left out of your life.

[Gunny376]

Two things I will never do again!

 

Beg someone to love me, and beg someone to let me love them!

[onmyownagain]

Two things I will never do again!

 

Beg someone to love me, and beg someone to let me love them!

 

You are so right Gunny.

 

In my experience, as soon as they are running away, it isn't worth the chase any more.