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[soheartbroken]

Thank you for the update PWSX. I think you really do "get it".

 

Like I've said before, your story is an inspiration.

[plowman]

pw I just finished reading your thread and I have to say I can only hope I can be where you are someday. I will try to do what you did and work on myself, I am taking the divorce care class and I also have met some nice people. You are an inspiration thank you

[PWSX3]

pw I just finished reading your thread and I have to say I can only hope I can be where you are someday. I will try to do what you did and work on myself, I am taking the divorce care class and I also have met some nice people. You are an inspiration thank you

plowman, thank you.......

If you decide that you want to be a better person & you do the work it will happen....

I read a lot of the new stories here & remember what a basket case I was in the beginning.

It takes time & the first step is saying to yourself; self (that's what I call myself sometimes) what part in this bad marriage did "I" have a part in?

 

Once you say that then the journey begins & be prepared for some ugly stuff. It really hurts sometimes when you except & take the responsibility for the bad you have done, but once you do that things start to change, you start to change & it is so worth it.

 

I wish you the best & I hope you will keep us updated on how things go.

[PWSX3]

Well for those that think a new relationship will be easier then what they had, you might want to think again...

 

It will be one year this month that me & the G/F have been dating & it seems like we have run into our first really big struggle......

 

I know a lot of it has to do with me & my growth but it also seems that she might be having some doubts......

 

For me its still the same struggles I had in my marriage, just that I can see them now so I keep questioning myself; is this being to pushy or do I need to except what she says & let her go at her speed?????

 

For an example, trying new things. She isn't as quick to try new things & I find myself trying to talk her into it more then I supposes I should. So do I ask once & if she say's no just drop the subject & never ask again??????

 

I feel a lot of my battles I'm just having with myself & maybe getting into the relationship so soon makes it harder.

 

She is also working two jobs so we don't get much time together anymore so I know that has an effect on things as well.

 

This weekend was the first weekend we haven't spent together. I usually would come over & spend the night but Friday night she asked if it would be ok that I didn't come over? We had gone to a Christian concert & she said God had been talking to her. I know she has had issues with us having sex but in the beginning we both agreed but now I'm wondering if she is having second thoughts & that is what is bothering her.

 

Oh well, just wanted to share in case others that might have started dating soon after a divorce are feeling the same way....

[imagine]

This weekend was the first weekend we haven't spent together. I usually would come over & spend the night but Friday night she asked if it would be ok that I didn't come over? We had gone to a Christian concert & she said God had been talking to her. I know she has had issues with us having sex but in the beginning we both agreed but now I'm wondering if she is having second thoughts & that is what is bothering her.

 

I understand her concerns. Are you a Christian?

[PWSX3]

I understand her concerns. Are you a Christian?

We are both Christians.

 

I grew up in a Christian family but when I got married 28 years ago I stopped going to church.

 

Both of us were made to go when we where young but she has been going back for a couple years.

I didn't start going back to church until last year when I started taking divorce care classes at a local church & that is where we met each other.

[hopesndreams]

Well for those that think a new relationship will be easier then what they had, you might want to think again...

 

It will be one year this month that me & the G/F have been dating & it seems like we have run into our first really big struggle......

 

I know a lot of it has to do with me & my growth but it also seems that she might be having some doubts......

 

For me its still the same struggles I had in my marriage, just that I can see them now so I keep questioning myself; is this being to pushy or do I need to except what she says & let her go at her speed?????

 

For an example, trying new things. She isn't as quick to try new things & I find myself trying to talk her into it more then I supposes I should. So do I ask once & if she say's no just drop the subject & never ask again??????

 

I feel a lot of my battles I'm just having with myself & maybe getting into the relationship so soon makes it harder.

 

She is also working two jobs so we don't get much time together anymore so I know that has an effect on things as well.

 

This weekend was the first weekend we haven't spent together. I usually would come over & spend the night but Friday night she asked if it would be ok that I didn't come over? We had gone to a Christian concert & she said God had been talking to her. I know she has had issues with us having sex but in the beginning we both agreed but now I'm wondering if she is having second thoughts & that is what is bothering her.

 

Oh well, just wanted to share in case others that might have started dating soon after a divorce are feeling the same way....

 

Maybe she is looking for more of a commitment. How long do older couples "date" before being with each other full-time?

[dgiirl]

Maybe she is looking for more of a commitment. How long do older couples "date" before being with each other full-time?

 

I've been with my bf for 2.5 years now, and I do not foresee us moving in together any time soon. Why rush it? I was in a committed relationship for 11 years. I want my freedom for now I also don't want the nagging and complaining and compromises that happens when two people start to build a life together. Things are easier and calmer and peaceful now. We see each other when we want to.

 

PW, how long has she been on her own before she started dating you? Maybe she hasn't healed from her divorce? Give her some time. I know I was pretty flaky with my guy for quite a while. Thankfully he has the patience and understanding to put up with it

[hopesndreams]

I've been with my bf for 2.5 years now, and I do not foresee us moving in together any time soon. Why rush it? I was in a committed relationship for 11 years. I want my freedom for now I also don't want the nagging and complaining and compromises that happens when two people start to build a life together. Things are easier and calmer and peaceful now. We see each other when we want to.

 

PW, how long has she been on her own before she started dating you? Maybe she hasn't healed from her divorce? Give her some time. I know I was pretty flaky with my guy for quite a while. Thankfully he has the patience and understanding to put up with it

 

It's great things are working out for you.

[hopesndreams]

Her faith in God is very strong, as is yours, and she could now be second guessing everything because "sleepovers" are not right in God's eyes. Thing is, you can't take back what you have done in your past but for the future there is always something that can be done to make things right and to make amends.

 

You both need a heart to heart, now. Get all your cards on the table. Communication is key.

 

I know you know this stuff so get to it!

[2sunny]

I know a lot of it has to do with me & my growth but it also seems that she might be having some doubts......

 

For me its still the same struggles I had in my marriage, just that I can see them now so I keep questioning myself; is this being to pushy or do I need to except what she says & let her go at her speed?????

 

For an example, trying new things. She isn't as quick to try new things & I find myself trying to talk her into it more then I supposes I should. So do I ask once & if she say's no just drop the subject & never ask again??????

 

I feel a lot of my battles I'm just having with myself & maybe getting into the relationship so soon makes it harder.

 

She is also working two jobs so we don't get much time together anymore so I know that has an effect on things as well.

 

Oh well, just wanted to share in case others that might have started dating soon after a divorce are feeling the same way....

 

when i'm asked and i say no - i prefer when someone takes my word at face value. no means no. i don't want someone trying to invalidate my no... or trying to talk me into something i have no interest in.

 

this shouldn't be a battle - it's supposed to be for fun! step back and find a way to grow and learn from this.

 

she may not be as interested as you want her to be - no form of pushing her is going to make it better. mix things up a bit... do not become so predictable that she needs to tell you not to stay on a Friday night. nothing kills the fun more than being predictable.

 

change it around if need be, making it interesting and exciting. it's not supposed to always be about whether or not she will sleep with you. make her WANT you, and the best way for that is for her to wonder at all times what you have going on in your life. make it so that she wants to know what you have going on by not always being so predictable.

[PWSX3]

I've been with my bf for 2.5 years now, and I do not foresee us moving in together any time soon. Why rush it? I was in a committed relationship for 11 years. I want my freedom for now I also don't want the nagging and complaining and compromises that happens when two people start to build a life together. Things are easier and calmer and peaceful now. We see each other when we want to.

 

PW, how long has she been on her own before she started dating you? Maybe she hasn't healed from her divorce? Give her some time. I know I was pretty flaky with my guy for quite a while. Thankfully he has the patience and understanding to put up with it

It will be one year for us this month & we have NO plans on moving in either. In fact we don't plan on moving in with each other unless we are married.

 

She has been on her own for three years before we met. Separated for two & divorced for one.

 

I got an email just this morning from her telling me how much she means to me, etc. etc..so I know she still cares for me.

 

That is my problem dgiirl & you know that, I hate that patience word...:laugh:

I guess the thing that bothers me is there are a couple things I would like in a partner & I'm not sure she will do them & so do I break up with her because of that???

She keeps telling me; oh give me time I'm working on it but how long do I wait & why does she need to change if it's taking so long to change????

 

I have backed off, just like 2sunny suggested; she needs to come to me instead of me always going to her. Once the weather warms up I've told her I'm riding my bicycle, which will be fine since she is working weekends.

[dgiirl]

when i'm asked and i say no - i prefer when someone takes my word at face value. no means no. i don't want someone trying to invalidate my no... or trying to talk me into something i have no interest in.

 

I agree with 2sunny. It's usually hard for me to say no to something I know means a lot to a friend, so asking twice or three times or trying to be talked into it puts me into a position of having to say no repeatedly. I don't appreciate being put into a position to have to reject someone continuously.

 

PW, I think you should continue to try new things on your own and you can ask her once. If she turns you down, I think you should just drop it. You can remind her the day before your event that you have such and such taking place, but don't put any pressure on her to join you. If she sees you trying new things, she might become curious and want to join you the next time.

[imagine]

We are both Christians.

 

I didn't start going back to church until last year when I started taking divorce care classes at a local church & that is where we met each other.

 

Lay off the sex and meet with God. He will be the source of a happy marriage.

 

There are quite a few non Christians that come to our church to pick up girls. These are the wolves in sheep clothing (no reference to your Avatar).They are not welcome at the meetings.

 

You must know how many Christians there are with failed marriages. It is very difficult to tell the difference between a child of God and an unbeliever. The two seem so similar when dealing with the world, cheating taxmen, honouring agreements and being faithful to their spouse.

 

I speak with failure in my past. Cleave to God!

[PWSX3]

Thanks Imagine I do appreciate your words of wisdom,

We talked tonight & cleared a few things up.

 

We just both have more growing to do & for me I'm still trying to work on the parts I did wrong in my marriage.

[2.50 a gallon]

I know you don't like the word patience, but with all relationships it is a key word.

 

From your posts, it sounds as if the two of you have found something special. Forget the soul mate stuff, we lost our soul mate. But we have found someone new to love and not everybody gets a second chance.

 

If I may relate, my GF and I have been together for over 14 years. According to the books, we should not have lasted that long. For her, I was a rebound relationship, as she was only 3 months from breaking it off with her long term BF. I was supposed to be the safe, ONS or two, to get her back into the dating game. And first and foremost, she never wanted to fall in love again. She was probably still in love with her former BF, and there was a chance, that with their seperation, he would clean up his drug and alcohol problem, that they might try again. And she had loved him.

 

When we first started dating, she had several single and divorced GF's who were encouraging her to get back into the dating scene. Partly because she is good looking, long legs, hour glass figure, pretty face, and long flowing hair. They were less attractive and wanted to use her as a man magnet. So I had to put up with her going out with friends, and me not invited. My problem as I had fallen in love with her with the first kiss.

 

I won because I was patient. I didn't push. I made her laugh, we shared good times, and most of all her dog loved me. He had hated all the males that had come around her, including her previous BF and her XH. She loved the dog and sensed that if he liked me maybe there was something special there.

 

Also when it came to love making, she had her ways, had had few partners and was on the conservative side. Me, I had many former partners and was a little on the wild side. Me, I am touchy feely, even in public, for her in public, it didn't go beyond holding hands. It has taken years, but she has slowly moved over to my side. But I have learned to restrain myself and only make occasional grabs.

 

But there are still barriers she won't go beyond. Ten years ago she bought a bikini, it was a O WOW. She modeled if for me once, took a look in the mirror and decided it was beyond her boundry and has never put it on since. It makes no sense to me, as I see her naked all of the time, so why is the bikini a no - no. Because that's the way it is.

 

It took over a year, before I began to hear the ILY's, but now I hear them daily and with feeling. The wait was worth it.

 

What I am trying to say, is give her time, it has only been a year, you enjoy spending time with her, and she with you. You like her boys, and they like you, and it sounds as if there is something there. And most important, it sounds as if there is a certain amount of trust there between the two of you. Consider being patient and giving it time. The results might be worth it in the future.

Edited February 3, 2010 by 2.50 a gallon

[PWSX3]

Well we went out on the 20th for our one year anniversary, had a good time until she said; there has been things that she didn't like but she didn't want to say no & hurt my feelings.

 

She also asked if we could stop the physical part because it has been bothering her off & on because of what the bible says........

 

She said she just wants to go back to the dating, going to movies, taking walks, etc. etc.....Here is an email I got the next day.....

 

I enjoy our relationship, even most of the physical stuff so very much. You are an amazing lover and I hope when the time is right, we can share that experience once again.

 

When we first met I was so excited to have someone that cared and would take the time to listen. I was also excited that I could be there and listen to you and help you as well. It was also exciting that you wanted to learn more about the Bible, God and faith. It's my faith in God that has helped me get through some of the the tough times. But there have been times that my faith was pushed aside and that has hurt me and our relationship.

 

To start, I believe we got all wrapped up in needing to be loved by someone again and be a family again. We were both hurt and lonely. We didn't get our needs full filled in such a long time, we jumped right into it with both feet. I know I was wondering if someone would ever love me again. I wanted to know if I was good enough for another man. Or if there was someone I could learn to love and enjoy being around. You know I found that person in you. I enjoy you so much but there are times when it is a little over whelming and could have scared me off. But I wanted to please you, disregarding my feelings. But with prayer, reading, and God speaking to me when I least expect Him to, has helped me be strong and open up and express myself.

 

As I said, there were times that i wanted to end it, because things were going too fast and I was having second thoughts, (where I let my faith fall below my standards) or there are somethings that turned me off. But you know, I let you do it, because that was what you wanted and I wanted to please you. But I there were times I would please you before I would please God and myself. I agree that sometimes I didn't seem to please you and you did feel rejected and disappointed because it didn't go the way you planned. For example, like when you gave me things, I didn't respond the way you wanted me to. I didn't know how to respond after that.

 

 

I have decided to give her some space, she has been very stressed at work, her boys have been sick & she is trying to do two jobs, neither full time.......

 

I did ask her out for Saturday night to a friends party & she said; sure, that sounds like fun......

 

 

My concern is; if anyone has read the book The five love languages, I feel my main love language is either words of affirmation or touch, which if it's touch she has a really hard time with that.....Said she has never been able to really touch and isn't sure why.....

 

She called this a bump in the road, but I see it as a major construction & this is going to change the outcome of our relationship.......

 

Any suggestions?????

[PWSX3]

I understand that she didn't tell me how she felt at the time, but this really has bothered me because it sounds like what the former W told me when she left.

 

I thought i was doing so much better but maybe I haven't learned what I need to....:mad:

[2sunny]

either a person is all in or they're not. she doesn't seem like she even half in.

 

the fact that she's not touchy and she knows this is high on your priority - not a good indicator of compatibility to start with - coupled with the fact that she's not giving - to the point where she would consider being a bit more touchy... means she doesn't care enough to bend.

 

i would back waaay off, in fact i wouldn't make the effort to court her at this point. life is too short to settle as we get older especially to have bigger hurdles early on takes the fun out of it.

 

i wouldn't plan to date her now - get looking for someone more compatible.

[dgiirl]

I donno PW

 

My first question to you is, Can you have a relationship with her without needing it to be physical? You don't have to tell us, but be honest with yourself. I'm not saying she is right or wrong in her beliefs but I'm asking YOU if your beliefs match hers or is this just a sign of incompatibility?

 

If you break up with her now, she might get the impression that you only dated her for the sex. Which is not true, because you wouldn't have dated her for an entire year if it was just for sex. However, she's put you into a corner.

 

If you do break up with her, you might want to stress that it was not simply the no sex arrangement but also other incompatibilities.

 

As for the ex and past mistakes, it IS hard to change completely. Although you've done tremendous work on yourself, don't beat yourself up if there are truths to her statements (only you can judge that).

 

Sorry to hear this

[Gunny376]

You've been moving too fast too quick! Back off! Slow down!

 

Her "Anti-Slut" program has kicked in. No woman wants to be used and abused as a 'sperm depository" nor a VLSS "Vaginal Life Support System,"

 

Nor would you if you were them!

 

Understandable!

 

Step back to "GO" on the board, and start over again

 

You need to make her feel appreciated, wanted, needed, desired, valued as an individual, a person, a woman!

 

Cherished is the word!

 

Buy you books, pencials and send you to school and you still don't know nothing!

[LisaUk]

Hi PW

 

This is how her e-mail sounds to me. I think her XH hurt her really badly and that her self esteem took a huge knock, that in turn has had her questioning her self worth. Possiby she had low self esteem issues before her D, but certainly her words indicate she has had them since. It sounds like whilst questioning her worth and her part in the D she became fearful that no one would love her again. So, when she met you, a lovely man who could relate to her pain and shared her beliefs about God and someone she started to have feelings for, her instinct, b/c of the pain of her D and her questioning and worrying was to to try and please you. She liked you a lot and so she desperately wanted you to love her and b/c of how her D had made her feel she pushed some of her beleifs and concerns aside in order to be make you happy so she would recieve your love.

 

That is how I read her words, I see a lot of similarities between her thougts and mine. I question myself daily about how I should have been better and been "good enough" for my ex, then he would have loved me and stayed with me. I see that thought process in her expression by her words. (Of course always the possibilty I am projecting!)

 

I'm not sure if this is a bump in the road or a major construction, but I do know she would not have spent a year with you if she did not have genuine feelings for you. I don't get the impression that she did this deliberately, I think from what she has said (and obviously you know better b/c you know her) that she would like to slow everything right back down and date b/c she does like you, but she wants to see if you two can be compatible WITHOUT her trying to please. In other words, she has realised what she has been doing and now she wants to see if you two still have something good when she is truely being herself.

 

The question here PW is can you accept what she has done, which although probably not deliberate or conscious, is probably very hurtful to you and can you also understand and respect her need to not have a physical relationship before marriage?

[tojaz]

PW, weve talked about this a few times. I know you hate patience, but thats whats called for here. Let me put it as plain and as simple as I can bud. Sex is as close as Saturday night at the local bar.... if thats all you want. Thats not all you want though PW. Finding someone special and worth while is both rare and a lot of work, but much more fulfilling. I think shes looking for appreciation, consideration and to know she is respected. (Read Lisas post again) She wants to know that this is what she is to you, to know that she is not easily replaced in your life and that you want her for more then what she can provide for you. If you love her, treat her as such and abide by her boundries. She will open up again when she knows feels its safe for her to do so. The depth and content of a relationship has to be willingly limited by as far as is comfortable for the both of you, if its not alright for her, then its not alright for the two of you as a couple.

TOJAZ

[hopesndreams]

Well we went out on the 20th for our one year anniversary, had a good time until she said; there has been things that she didn't like but she didn't want to say no & hurt my feelings.

 

She also asked if we could stop the physical part because it has been bothering her off & on because of what the bible says........

 

She said she just wants to go back to the dating, going to movies, taking walks, etc. etc.....Here is an email I got the next day.....

 

I enjoy our relationship, even most of the physical stuff so very much. You are an amazing lover and I hope when the time is right, we can share that experience once again.

 

She's not ready to let go of the relationship at this very moment but she's getting there, and one day, when she is ready, she will end it. She will let you down gently and easily, or so she thinks, but you will experience the rejection, big time and will be very, very hurt.

When we first met I was so excited to have someone that cared and would take the time to listen. I was also excited that I could be there and listen to you and help you as well. It was also exciting that you wanted to learn more about the Bible, God and faith. It's my faith in God that has helped me get through some of the the tough times. But there have been times that my faith was pushed aside and that has hurt me and our relationship.

 

She is telling you she is no longer excited. The butterflies are no longer there and she isn't experiencing a deeper, more mature love with you so she wants to bail. She is now using God as her excuse for things not working out.

 

To start, I believe we got all wrapped up in needing to be loved by someone again and be a family again. We were both hurt and lonely. We didn't get our needs full filled in such a long time, we jumped right into it with both feet. I know I was wondering if someone would ever love me again. I wanted to know if I was good enough for another man. Or if there was someone I could learn to love and enjoy being around. You know I found that person in you. I enjoy you so much but there are times when it is a little over whelming and could have scared me off. But I wanted to please you, disregarding my feelings. But with prayer, reading, and God speaking to me when I least expect Him to, has helped me be strong and open up and express myself.

 

You are passionate. Don't be thrown by her saying you are overwhelming.

 

As I said, there were times that i wanted to end it, because things were going too fast and I was having second thoughts, (where I let my faith fall below my standards) or there are somethings that turned me off. But you know, I let you do it, because that was what you wanted and I wanted to please you. But I there were times I would please you before I would please God and myself. I agree that sometimes I didn't seem to please you and you did feel rejected and disappointed because it didn't go the way you planned. For example, like when you gave me things, I didn't respond the way you wanted me to. I didn't know how to respond after that.

 

She isn't her own person yet and hasn't been able to find herself. Typical excuses. Maybe true? In her mind, you are to blame for the relationship going down the pan.

 

I have decided to give her some space, she has been very stressed at work, her boys have been sick & she is trying to do two jobs, neither full time.......

 

I did ask her out for Saturday night to a friends party & she said; sure, that sounds like fun......

 

I would cancel those plans. She no longer wants the physical aspect and without that, what do you have? A friend only. What do you have to do to get her sexually interested again? It's all on you now. It is sure to end in failure. She isn't even going to try. She's made her decision.

 

 

My concern is; if anyone has read the book The five love languages, I feel my main love language is either words of affirmation or touch, which if it's touch she has a really hard time with that.....Said she has never been able to really touch and isn't sure why.....

 

She called this a bump in the road, but I see it as a major construction & this is going to change the outcome of our relationship.......

 

Any suggestions?????

 

You said in previous posts you were having doubts with her. She's picked up on it.

 

Give her tons of space. Give her chance to really, really think things over without you being in the picture. If I got such an email from a man, I would honestly end things with him, without question.

[PWSX3]

You've been moving too fast too quick! Back off! Slow down!

 

Her "Anti-Slut" program has kicked in. No woman wants to be used and abused as a 'sperm depository" nor a VLSS "Vaginal Life Support System,"

 

Nor would you if you were them!

 

Understandable!

 

Step back to "GO" on the board, and start over again

 

You need to make her feel appreciated, wanted, needed, desired, valued as an individual, a person, a woman!

 

Cherished is the word!

 

Buy you books, pencials and send you to school and you still don't know nothing!

Yes Gunny, I'm going to slow it down. Remember that 2x4 you hit me over the head with. I still have that hard head my friend & it takes a while for me to get it!!!....:D

 

I also understand her up bringing has a lot to do with our relationship. She has never been treated in a kind way from her parents who she could never please or do anything right, or from her ex H.

 

I'm not ready to give up & she isn't either. We have been emailing each other & she said she wishes she never brought this up but it's going to help us one way or another.