back for another page in life

[dgiirl]

WOW!!!

I almost forgot, it's been a year on the 6th that I've been divorced. Ironic thing is, that is the same date the G/F decided to break it off.

 

I did send her an email, THANKS DGIIRL.

I let her know I understand now that breaking up had to be very hard for her, that I didn't want her to feel bad, that I believe it is the best for the two of us. She was always worried about hurting me.

 

I also let her know I would like to be friends with her, but I just don't know how. I will try my best to be nice when I do see her. I know this last week at church she sat in the back in the same place she always has, so I happened to meet a friend outside & she invited me to set with her so we sat down closer to the front.

 

Dgiirl, you really gave me some things to think about as always & I do appreciate it.

 

You are welcome

 

I hope things can work themselves out between the two of you. You don't necessarily have to be buddy buddy best of friends tell each other whats going on every single day, but if you both handle the breakup and more importantly the post-breakup with maturity and respect for one another, a friendship might be possible in the future. If not, at least no animosity between the two of you, especially since you do share some of the same social groups.

 

Before I started dating my current bf, I had a crush on another guy in our group of friends. He seemed semi-interested, some days he was hot, other days he was cold. Eventually, I revealed how I felt about him, and in turn he told me he was attracted to me but did not want to date. I told him I'm putting him back into the "friend-zone". It took about a few months of no contact for me to lose any romantic feelings for the guy but now we are ALL (including the bf) good friends. A group of us all hang out from time to time.

 

Having gone through what we did with our exes, I really respect those who take the high road when they need to tell me their feelings changed or are not as strong as mine are. Yes, the rejection hurts. But there is a right and a wrong way to breakup. My exh most definitely did it the very wrong way. There was not one single thing he did right. Anyone who doesnt do it the way my exh did, deserves credit.

[PWSX3]

So when I did my taxes I had to call the IRS for a question. To make this short the former W had to file bankruptcy.

 

So I wasn't sure if I was going to get my return back, but the FW said; if you don't & they put it towards what I owe, then let her know. So I got my return so I let her know in an email I got my return.

 

Here is the reply I got from her;

 

Hi,

I am glad you got your refund! Whew!!! Mine will take another week or so

because I mailed them in.

 

In a prior email you had asked me if I missed you or if I missed "us". I

miss being married. I miss our family we had when our son was younger.

But I also miss you. If you ever find yourself wanting someone to go to

Church with, you are always welcome to come to Church with me. It is

Sunday's at 9 and 10:35. We don't have a big band, but they do sing new

songs along with good old hymns which are refreshing at times. There is

no difference between the earlier service and the later service.

 

 

Do I care for her? Yes

Would I like to get back with her? Depends on what she has been doing this last year. Working on herself, maybe...

I haven't seen her in over 6 months. Last time was very brief, but it didn't look like she had done anything about her weight & that is important to me, especially after being with someone smaller.

What I mean by that is I want someone that takes care of there body, don't just eat junk food all the time.

 

The thing is, we do/had so much in common & when we got along we got along VERY WELL.

 

I see my counselor tonight at class, so hopefully I can talk to him.

 

 

Would like some opinions......

[trippi1432]

:confused::confused::confused::sick::sick::sick:

[hopesndreams]

You are going through a fresh new break up with a woman you have been dating for a year. I sensed from your other nit picking posts, about the gf, that the R was going downhill. She broke things off with you. It wasn't long before you started being interested in another woman either. Did that not go anywhere?? Now, the former W, sends an email about going to church with her. Ok, so, you told the former W about the breakup with the GF? Maybe, FW, felt pity for you and made an offering of attending church with her? Or is FW being nicey nice because she owes you money? I'm not clear on if she owes you money or not. Do you think you are reading something into something that is not really there?

 

My question to you is this. How long have you been on your own, with yourself, by yourself, no GF, no "interests" in a woman? I'm thinking not ever. Am I wrong?

 

You do know from being on this forum, receiving advice and being a contributor to giving good, sound advice that it is imperative you spend some time with just you.

 

Do yourself and the FW a huge favour. Go solo. Get your head straight.

[PWSX3]

No the former wife didn't know about the break up. She said the reason she asked me that is because of the good talk we had on the phone when I had to ask about her filing bankruptcy.

 

No the former wife doesn't owe me any money.

 

No the new gal is just a friend, we take a couple classes together at the church & we have gone out to eat just to talk & that's it. I have realized I don't want it anymore then that because she has two smaller kids & I'm not ready to raise another family.

 

I was with my FW for 28 years, then I was alone for a while during our separation & then after the divorce, but I'm guessing not long enough. I'm thinking that is what I need to do, just go to the man cave for a while.

 

Today a friend shared some good thoughts about the FW. He said it sounds like she is still living in the past & not in the present.

 

My son is going to be gone this summer so I'll be here by myself. Might be a good time just to do that for the summer.

[dgiirl]

PW, the issues between you and your FW are still there. Both of you have just too many expectations and conditions on your relationship for it to work out. I understand your need for your FW to take better care of her health, but she has proven she does not want to do that. The more you put pressure on her to change, the more it goes against her own ingrained behavior traits the more she'll fight back and the more stress on the relationship. You either need to accept who she is, the good, bad and the ugly, or you need to move on.

 

I'm not saying your request for a partner to take better care of themselves is unreasonable, but it is unreasonable with HER. She's just not the type and you're trying to change her. If you have such a condition for a relationship, then you need to find someone who naturally has that behavior trait ingrained into them, or accept your partner as is, with no expectations or conditions.

 

The same goes for wanting a partner who is very sociable. It's great that you are very active in social activities and it's reasonable for you to want that in a partner. But you need to pick a partner where that trait is ingrained into them naturally instead of trying to change your partner. If you need a partner who is sociable, meet women in a sociable outing. If you need a woman who is actively fit, then meet a women in a sociable active outing. Keep pursuing your cycling activities, and eventually, you'll meet someone who shares the same passion on cycling as you do!

[PWSX3]

Thanks dgiirl, I think the best thing is to do like hopesndreams suggested & just go solo for a while.

 

I did send the FW an email thanking her for the invite but told her I think I need to just be alone for a while I figure out who I am & also take the time to grieve the loss of my last relationship.

 

I guess it's hitting me harder then I thought now that it's been a couple weeks since I've seen her.

 

Like both of you said; I need to except people for who they are, something I need to work on.

[tojaz]

 

Like both of you said; I need to except people for who they are, something I need to work on.

 

PW, I believe this needs to be true for all different kinds of relationships, but since were on LOVEshack I'll throw the cliche...Love Is Blind.

 

Its the truth, found it out for myself. Me and a friend were sorting through pictures quite awhile ago when she asked me when my ex had gotten heavy. I was completely lost and said never. Then I look at the picture. Taken years ago and yes she had put on some noticable weight at the time it was taken. Strange thing is that I never noticed. I never saw it. Didn't remember it. I remember taking the photo, I remember every detail of that day with ease. Never even entered my mind that she would have gained weight. Wasn't my concern. Rail thin or 1000 lbs. She was my wife and she was beautiful in my eyes.

 

Attraction is great for catching the eye, but its not what holds the heart.

 

TOJAZ

[trippi1432]

Like both of you said; I need to except people for who they are, something I need to work on.

 

This is very true PW....and to bridge off of Tojaz's post, holding people to unrealistic expectations will only further hurt you in the long run. No woman will ever live up to the perfect body for the next 30 or 40 years. Real love for someone isn't about I would love you if you dropped a few pounds, I would love you if you made more money....etc, etc. It's about knowing that no one is perfect, but they mean the world to you. It's about loving them in spite of the imperfections.

 

I recall the very first thing my STBXH said to me right after we got married almost four years ago...."Don't go thinking you can get all fat and happy now that we are married". I worried constantly about my weight after that, and when he left me....he stated something very similar to what you posted above. Guess what though....it is perfectly alright to NOT love someone who sets those kinds of unrealistic expectations on you and treats you in that respect for years and it wasn't ok for me to continue to accept it or think that he might change.

 

Accepting people for who they are, not what you expect them to be....you will get there.

[PWSX3]

OK, would someone want to volunteer & hit me over the head with the 2X4 so I can figure this out!!!!!!

 

Back to school, see if I can pay attention this time!!!:rolleyes:

 

NO I won't give up, I'll keep trying!!! Just takes me a little longer.

[tojaz]

OK, would someone want to volunteer & hit me over the head with the 2X4 so I can figure this out!!!!!!

 

BATTER UP!!!!!!

 

PW its all part of figuring out what we want and what we need in this new chapter in our lives. I've seen some good examples here on LS. Women I would have been proud and honored to stand beside. A few I would have even flown to four corners just to meet had they asked. Thats based on text on a screen PW thats seeing the heart before seeing the body or the face or anything else.

 

I was friends with my ex for a lot of years. I always saw the outward beauty. I didn't fall in love until I saw what was within. Shame it isn't there anymore.:o:o She looks as good as she ever did right now, but makes no difference that beautiful shell has no allure for me anymore I'm afraid.

TOJAZ

[2sunny]

OK, would someone want to volunteer & hit me over the head with the 2X4 so I can figure this out!!!!!!

 

Back to school, see if I can pay attention this time!!!:rolleyes:

 

NO I won't give up, I'll keep trying!!! Just takes me a little longer.

 

what's taking longer? it takes as long as it takes to get past difficulties. move forward, experience change. that helps to keep the healing process going in the right direction.

[tojaz]

that beautiful shell has no allure for me anymore I'm afraid.

 

Ok maybe a little. :(

[PWSX3]

Ok maybe a little. :(

I'm sorry but if it didn't then I would think you are dead!!!!!

[trippi1432]

BATTER, BATTER....SWING!!

 

PW - you look for someone to stroke your ego....that person needs to be you...not what you think you need or the opinion of anyone else. It doesn't come in some neat little package wrapped in tiny bows. It's not perfection...rarely ever is. It's acceptance....of who you are and who she is. It's about respect for yourself and respecting her....something I never had myself...but I'm finding that I deserve that too.

 

Doesn't happen overnight....it takes time, even to learn it for you. There's a depth and a meaning to truly loving someone for them, it's past the heart and straight to the soul of your being. Physical beauty is fleeting, it fades over time just as the depth of love changes over time and gets stronger.

Edited April 18, 2010 by trippi1432

[PWSX3]

This breakup with the G/F seems to be getting harder then I expected it to be. The first few days I was like; oh no big deal but it has really hit me the last few days.

 

Today after lots of thought & calling my counselor I deleted her from my friend on Facebook. I was just getting hurt & angry reading some of what she was posting. I know some of it was for my benefit, trying to show me she is just doing fine.

My counselor suggested I send her an email explaining that I needed to do that in order to move on, to heal & by seeing her picture all the time I couldn't do that.

 

I was surprised it took a few seconds for me to finally push the button, this was the last thing we have connecting us.

 

Now I can understand how someone could stay in a relationship just because it's safe, I think that is what I was doing, hiding from being alone. Now it's time for me to face that fear & learn to live alone, be by myself.

 

It's hard & I don't like it but I will get threw this. Just not sure if I want to ever date again!!!!

[floridapad]

PWSX

 

Being alone can be tough but you do adjust but only if you take the rights steps. I went out on meetup.com and started attending different functions and meeting people. I'm trying to meet more single likeminded guys right now since most of my current friends are either married guys or single women. Guy friends will be with you alot longer than girl friends. Try to build your same sex network so your not alone.

[sumdude]

Hey P!

 

Sorry to hear you're having a bad day. There's no such thing as an easy break up. Particularly when you are the dumpee. But you know what to do and how to get back to yourself and an even keel. Rock on !

 

Time will pass, you will heal and one day you'll think.. Damn it's about time I got out there and tried again.

[PWSX3]

My son had plans to work with his cousins out of state this summer & yesterday was his last day of college, then we figured he had a week or two before leaving.

Weds. I get a text saying; I am leaving Friday....Then I come home that evening & he said; I'm leaving Thurs. after my last test so we really had to rush to get everything ready.....

 

Got home last night just in time to say good-bye & see him off so I'm alone again. Funny I know he will be back but it's tough to see him go, but it will be good for both of us.

 

Like everyone we can always work on ourselves & I hope to use this time to work on some of those issues you can only work on when you are alone. I'm sad but I'm in a lot better place to handle it then I was say a year ago.