back for another page in life

[skinman]

Things are getting a lot better, doing some positive things in my life, made some really good friends & having a good time. Decided to even send out my own Christmas cards so today I had my son sign the cards so I can finish them up.....Feels good to be happy.....

 

PWSX3,

Glad to hear thing are up looking up for you... ~~ keep the positive attitude and you will be allright !!.. I am looking forward to getting to where you are ... !! best wishes buddy and keep up the good work.. I know some days can be tough but your moving in the right direction..

[PWSX3]

This weekend is our Christmas, my sisters are coming into town & it will be the first time in a long time we have all been together.

 

Sunday we are doing family pictures & then we are having a dinner in the evening & we have invited friends & family to join us including me stbxw......

 

She was really close to my family & I just felt we needed to invite her since they are having a baby shower for my sister that the stbxw really liked. I guess after they invited her she stopped by my folks & thanked them for inviting her.

 

I talked to one of my friends from DC class & he suggested I just treat her as one of the friends that show up, be courteous but don't go out of my way to be nice. This will be the first time in over a month we have seen each other.

 

Then Friday my mom said I needed to stop by, the stbxw had dropped off some pictures & a CF chip for me that I had pictures of our son on. Well when I picked it up there were two gifts as well, one said for my son & the other was from my son to Dad. Funny they are both the same thing or feel the same & I asked my son about it & he didn't know anything about it but then once he felt the package he said; oh yea I know, so it really isn't coming from him.

 

Don't know why she had copies made of some of the pictures, I could do that myself if I wanted them, plus the copies she made were not of the pictures we used for his school.....

 

Again I asked my friend about the gift because I as going to give it back & he just said; except the gift but don't put any other thoughts into it except a gift coming from a friend then just send her an email saying; thanks for the gift......

 

I know she is a giving person & likes to buy things for people so I'll except it as that.

 

Since this weekend is our Christmas I am going to go to a movie with a gal & her friend from DC class on Christmas day, she didn't want to be home by herself & I said I would hang out with her & her friend.

 

Hopefully things will go well & I can just see the stbxw as another guest at the dinner.....

 

I wish everyone a Merry Christmas & I know this is a hard time for some, but we have to make the best of it & then move on......Next year will be easier....

 

UPDATE: My mom just called & my sister from the east coast is snowed in so she can't make it & the one from the mid west was going to drive but weather is going to keep them from coming so there isn't going to be a dinner so I won't have to deal with the stbxw.......

 

Sounds like some people are going to have a white Christmas!!!

[ilmw]

Hi Pw,

 

Well it is good to see the positive attitude getting more positive.... still keeping busy... and on christmas day too.... nice!

 

I know this time of year can be hard.... If this is a first Christmas apart from the ex/wife/husband.... it can be pretty lonely... strange.. sad. etc But.... as long as you can do something to make it fun... for you. It can turn out to be ok.

 

I spent my first Christmas apart from my ex at someone else's home... as a third wheel... eating with someone else's family.... (very nice of them... but still not the same ) But it made it easier... and was nice to be around people.

 

One day you will look back at this time... and it will be just a memory..... Just think positive.... and it WILL get better.

 

ilmw

[PWSX3]

Last night me & the stbxw went to the Broker that is doing the paperwork for the house. I thought we had everything finalized but the stbxw wanted to show the paper to someone before signing the quick dead.

 

Today she went back with her lawyer (we weren't going to use lawyers) said she was forcing her to sign, that he made her cry, etc. etc.. Then they got me on the phone & I am now meeting her lawyer on Tues. to sign paperwork that her lawyer is drawing up.

 

Plus she is going to draw up some separation papers papers of some kind, not sure what is going on but I'll find out Tuesday.

 

Funny how the stbxw wanted to do everything one way & now she is changing it all around, being the controlling one just like in our marriage & she always accused me of being controlling.

 

I tried to let it bother me & wreck my day but it didn't happen....

 

After the meeting last night she asked if I could meet her tonight, I said no because I was going out. She asked if our son was going with & I said; yes he was. She started to cry and yelled; WHY? I said he knew a lot of the people that would be there & she replied; but that is my birthday.....

 

If she wanted him to spend some time then she should have talked to him earlier. I know she tried making it my fault but I know it wasn't & it didn't bother me at all.....

 

So we went to one of the gals from DC class for a party, had good food, had a bunch of my new friends plus some new people there. Just got home 4 hours later then my bed time....

Both me & my son had a blast, it is so good to have people to support you that know what you are going thru.......This was the best New Years I have had in a long time!!!:bunny:

 

I really hope everyone else had a good time as well....

[Sands_of_time]

PW-

 

I just read your thread. You sound like you are doing GREAT! Keep up the good work and keep doing those social events. Being around others helps immensely. Keep posting.

[PWSX3]

Looking at yourself & what part you had in the marriage really SUCKS!!!!

I understand why people try & blame there spouse so they don't have to work on the pain they will feel once they look at themselves.......

 

It is interesting how things keep coming up & showing me how badly I treated the W and the part that sucks is I didn't even know I was doing it half of the time.

 

I know all the work I'm doing is for me, to better me, but I am realizing it is coming at a cost. I am losing someone that did care for me and tried to show me some of the things I was doing wrong but I just didn't see it or didn't want to listen.

 

I know she has her faults, but I do believe I had a lot more to do with the bad marriage then she did.

 

My only prayer is; I hope God will help me understand all this, that he will help me walk down the correct path that I will become a better person so hopefully I will be able to share the good I do have with someone else.....

 

It was a ruff weekend, first in a long time............

[sumdude]

 

I know she has her faults, but I do believe I had a lot more to do with the bad marriage then she did.

 

 

P.. sorry you're having a rough time right now. Just remember, it's 2 people in the marriage and whatever happened is at least 50/50 so don't be too hard on yourself. Sure you played your part, you have your weaknesses and it is important to take a good look at yourself and learn something. Sounds like you're hitting the guilt stage..

[skinman]

My only prayer is; I hope God will help me understand all this, that he will help me walk down the correct path that I will become a better person so hopefully I will be able to share the good I do have with someone else.....

 

It was a ruff weekend, first in a long time............

 

PWS,

hang in there buddy.. You know there are going to be good days and the bad ones... try and not beat yourself up so much... I am sure as much as you want to belive it was all you in reality it probably wasnt... Dont let those thoughts in man try and push them away when you get them... And know when all is said and done your prayer will be answered.. you will be a better man, a wiser man and you will have a lot to offer that special someone... You have to belive that things will get better...

 

Your in my thoughts Pw...

[Sands_of_time]

Looking at yourself & what part you had in the marriage really SUCKS!!!!

I understand why people try & blame there spouse so they don't have to work on the pain they will feel once they look at themselves.......

 

It is interesting how things keep coming up & showing me how badly I treated the W and the part that sucks is I didn't even know I was doing it half of the time.

 

Try not to take on too much responsibility PWSX3. You can only take your 50%. I feel for you on this...

[PWSX3]

Yes I understand it was both our faults.....Funny how the stbxw lets me know my part but she has never said anything about her part.

 

Went to counseling today & he really helped me understand some of my thoughts. He has been in counseling since 1967 so he has been around the block a few times......

 

He also reminded me what my goal is & that it won't happen overnight.....

[PWSX3]

Things didn't go to well yesterday........

 

I went to see the stbxw's lawyer to sign a paper. Come to find out it was a; waiver and acceptance of service paper.

 

When I got home I noticed they had spelled my name wrong so I called just to see if that mattered, which I'm pretty sure it does....

 

I also got separation agreement, petition for dissolution of marriage, & summons, which I guess if we would go to court it tells me what I can do or can't do......

 

I also thought we had everything settled pertaining to the house, but now her lawyer doesn't think she should pay half the closing cost since I am the one buying the house.

 

Also since she won't sign the quick deed until closing, whoever is the one that is giving me the loan wants to know why, they want to know about the divorce & some other paperwork.

 

I don't understand how someone can leave (but still are responsible for the house payment) but I'm the one that has to pay the housepayment on my own, yet they don't want to pay half the closing costs????

 

I felt we were being fair, splitting everything, plus we are going off appraisal price, which if we try & sell I really doubt we will get that, plus if we sell the Realtor will get 7 percent so we end up paying someone to buy it.

 

I have tried to explain that to her, but the only thing I hear back is; I can't tell you what to do, if you want to buy that is your choice. She just doesn't get it or maybe I am the one that doesn't get it & someone needs to tell me so I understand........

 

For such a cut & dry divorce this is really getting complicated, I really feel sorry for those with child support & maintenance & all that other junk.....

 

Now I am forced to see my lawyer so I can know what my rights are as far as the house & by the time we are finished neither of us will have anything...Whatever equity we were going to get is going to be used up in lawyer fees and or giving the house away....

[skinman]

sorry to hear that pws...

sounds like some of the same stuff I will have to go through....I feel for you man... keep your chin up and everything will work out...

[BusterBrown]

hey pwsx3, sounds like you are dealing with a lot right now. I know it can be hard to keep your head above the water. Keep trying and be strong! We are here for you, man.

[PWSX3]

I have had great support from friends from Divorce care but it is really hard to believe God knows best, that he has everything under control....I just need to believe he does & he will take care of me if I let him.......

 

I will be happy when all the paperwork is finished. At this time I just want it over so I can move forward with my life.

 

I know I am on the right path to better myself, then hopefully down the road I'll be able to share that person with someone that will enjoy what I have to give, but for now I need patience, I need peace, & I need to remember I do have God on my side.........Thanks everyone, it is good to know people here also are behind me & believe in me.....

 

 

Skin, how does this look for a busy schedule?

Mon.-Divorce care class (again)

Tue.- Counseling

Weds. Gym

Thurs. Boundaries class

Fri. Gym

Sat. morning Men's group

Sat. evening Church

Sun. bible study with two guys from DC class......

 

Plus riding the bike on the weekend weather permitting...

[skinman]

Skin, how does this look for a busy schedule?

Mon.-Divorce care class (again)

Tue.- Counseling

Weds. Gym

Thurs. Boundaries class

Fri. Gym

Sat. morning Men's group

Sat. evening Church

Sun. bible study with two guys from DC class......

 

Plus riding the bike on the weekend weather permitting...

 

well sure wish my schedule looked like that........

keep it up buddy... your doing well and he has big plans for your life....

[Mountains10]

PSX,

 

Your post gives me some good insight. I'm trying to decide whether I want to buy our house also, and now I'm not quite so sure. At first glance it seems cut and dry, but I don't have any money to put down and the house needs repairs, inspection, etc. I'm starting to think, it might be better if we just put it up for sale, as much as I hate to do that, it might make more sense. I hope it gets better for you, it sounds like your schedule is really busy. I hear that keeping busy is good during these times. I need to get more busy myself, I'm still struggling with getting out there and meeting more people. I sorta like the confines of my house right now, even though I'm not a shy person, it just seems nice to stay at home.

[PWSX3]

PSX,

 

Your post gives me some good insight. I'm trying to decide whether I want to buy our house also, and now I'm not quite so sure. At first glance it seems cut and dry, but I don't have any money to put down and the house needs repairs, inspection, etc. I'm starting to think, it might be better if we just put it up for sale, as much as I hate to do that, it might make more sense. I hope it gets better for you, it sounds like your schedule is really busy. I hear that keeping busy is good during these times. I need to get more busy myself, I'm still struggling with getting out there and meeting more people. I sorta like the confines of my house right now, even though I'm not a shy person, it just seems nice to stay at home.

If it needs repairs & some work done then you might want to sell then the stbx has to help pay for all that.....

 

Ilmw shared with me as well; when he bought his "own" place it felt like he was moving on with his life... Just things to think about I guess.....

[a4a]

I have had great support from friends from Divorce care but it is really hard to believe God knows best, that he has everything under control....I just need to believe he does & he will take care of me if I let him.......

 

I will be happy when all the paperwork is finished. At this time I just want it over so I can move forward with my life.

 

I know I am on the right path to better myself, then hopefully down the road I'll be able to share that person with someone that will enjoy what I have to give, but for now I need patience, I need peace, & I need to remember I do have God on my side.........Thanks everyone, it is good to know people here also are behind me & believe in me.....

 

 

Skin, how does this look for a busy schedule?

Mon.-Divorce care class (again)

Tue.- Counseling

Weds. Gym

Thurs. Boundaries class

Fri. Gym

Sat. morning Men's group

Sat. evening Church

Sun. bible study with two guys from DC class......

 

Plus riding the bike on the weekend weather permitting...

 

Perry you are living a life of leisure........ I admit I am jealous!

 

Are you fitting in time with your son in this schedule?

[PWSX3]

Are you fitting in time with your son in this schedule?

He is a senior this year & goes to a private school where most of the kids live on campus so I don't see him except for breaks such as Christmas which out of the 2 weeks he spent all here except for three days with his mom.

 

We went to a New Years Eve party together & had a blast playing WII with a couple of over kids & adults.....

 

When he is home I try & have him help with meals & when he leaves I always get a; thanks dad I had a good time.....so I hope I'm doing right.

 

I do know I see him in a lot different way, I try & treat him more like an adult and praise him for what he does, which I used to have trouble with.

 

I have learned a lot, just hope I can start practicing it.

 

a4a, it is good to hear from you again.......May the fork poke me in the a$$ and keep me moving forward, lord knows you stuck it in my head enough.:laugh:

[a4a]

He is a senior this year & goes to a private school where most of the kids live on campus so I don't see him except for breaks such as Christmas which out of the 2 weeks he spent all here except for three days with his mom.

 

We went to a New Years Eve party together & had a blast playing WII with a couple of over kids & adults.....

 

When he is home I try & have him help with meals & when he leaves I always get a; thanks dad I had a good time.....so I hope I'm doing right.

 

I do know I see him in a lot different way, I try & treat him more like an adult and praise him for what he does, which I used to have trouble with.

 

I have learned a lot, just hope I can start practicing it.

 

a4a, it is good to hear from you again.......May the fork poke me in the a$$ and keep me moving forward, lord knows you stuck it in my head enough.:laugh:

Well don't forget to put on your bestestest cleanestest undewear and go out on a date soon!

[PWSX3]

Well don't forget to put on your bestestest cleanestest undewear and go out on a date soon!

 

Nope not even close to being ready for that. I have gone out with the DC class as a group or should I say a selective few and it's been a lot of fun, but for now that is it......I am going out with a co-worker tonight for Mexican but we do that once a month & have been doing it off & on for the last year so no big deal.....

 

I plan on spending a year working on me and since I'll be broke I wouldn't be able to afford a date anyway.

 

Once the weather gets nice I'll be back on the bike in between all that other stuff I have going on so I don't have to worry about not being busy...

[ilmw]

PW,

 

When the ex and I sold our house... it was at a loss....but what we did make payed a lot of the outstanding debt we incurred off. In the end... not much debt left....except 1 veh payment.... and nothing else to show for it.

 

Now.... I had to go live in a apartment.... and my ex managed to go get a house.... I suppose if I really reallly wanted to.... I could go back... and do some digging... and find out if she did infact screw me... but.... ahhhh ... its history now... I survived.... ...

 

and YES... getting my own place was symbolic for me to (move on) That part of my life was over... and this was new. New page etc

 

Now I have good job... and kick ass credit so it was not that difficult.... but.... I am so not living at a standard I was once used to ...... still. By this september.... I should be back on track.... It will be about 3 years from my original separation.... to be finally free of all marital debt obligations.... only thing left is child support.... and if I could swing it.... I'd have me boy 50% of the time.... and not pay her a penny at all. I'd rather know exactly where my money is going... instead on her renovations... and trips away?? .......

 

ilmw

[Trimmer]

Also since she won't sign the quick deed until closing, whoever is the one that is giving me the loan wants to know why, they want to know about the divorce & some other paperwork.

 

I don't understand how someone can leave (but still are responsible for the house payment) but I'm the one that has to pay the housepayment on my own, yet they don't want to pay half the closing costs????

 

I felt we were being fair, splitting everything, plus we are going off appraisal price, which if we try & sell I really doubt we will get that, plus if we sell the Realtor will get 7 percent so we end up paying someone to buy it.

 

I have tried to explain that to her, but the only thing I hear back is; I can't tell you what to do, if you want to buy that is your choice. She just doesn't get it or maybe I am the one that doesn't get it & someone needs to tell me so I understand........

OK now, let me start by saying that I am very sympathetic, and I can understand how you feel about wanting to "split everything..." However, I can suggest a financial perspective that is - at least objectively - consistent with her position.

 

In a real estate deal, buyers and sellers usually each pay for specific parts of making the deal work, and each of those assigned expenses kind of makes sense. In my part of the US, the seller pays the real-estate commissions, because the realtors are effectively performing the service of selling the house and getting him his money out of it. Conversely, thinks like doing various inspections are borne by the buyer, as if hiring consultants to help him do his due diligence in determining if the house is a sound purchase.

 

The part of the closing costs that can be most significant are the "points" which are essentially an up-front payment of interest on the loan. Now the loan is for the benefit of the buyer (not the seller) as it lets the buyer borrow the bank's money into the future so the buyer can live in the house before paying for the whole thing. As a result, it makes sense that the buyer (not the seller) bears the cost of the points and any other loan fees in closing the deal.

 

Now, you can think of the "seller" in this case as "the marriage", so anything on "the seller's" side of the balance sheet would reasonably be expected to be split between you: all the seller's expenses, real-estate commissions, etc., as well as profits, if you were to sell the house to someone else outside the marriage. All that would be split evenly.

 

On the other hand, "the buyer" in this case is you as an individual. You are the one who will go on living there as an individual, as well as leveraging your equity with the bank's loan money, hoping to benefit from the future appreciation of the house. For that reason - from a detached and strictly objective point of view - it makes sense that you, as an individual, would bear the closing costs that normally accrue to the buyer: points, loan fees, advance taxes, title searches, etc. These are all investments in your individual future that will spread over the time you live there.

 

Now again - I am wholeheartedly sympathetic to your situation and the emotional overtones which certainly overshadow the sterile, financial issues. Here's a question, though. I seem to recall that the closing costs are often a percent or two of the value of the house. Are we talking like something around a few thousand bucks here? And often, some or all of these fees can be financed into the loan, so you are not out-of-pocket very much at closing. Is this the case for you, or if not, could you possibly get it structured this way?

 

If so, is your sticking point mostly an emotional one? She committed to splitting everything and now it feels like she's going back on that... Or is it truly a financial hardship, as in, if you can't reduce the closing costs, you can't make the deal work...

 

If it's just the emotional hurdle, I understand, but then if you really want to make it work, realize that first, it's probably only a percent or two of the total house value - not that I'm calling a couple thousand small potatoes, but keep it in perspective with the big picture, you know? And the other tool is to separate the part of you that is in the dissolving marriage selling the house, from the part of you that is a new, free individual who is buying the house, and consider and commit to the idea that the closing costs that you are paying as a new, free individual are an investment in your future (and costs that you would pay in buying any other house anyway.)

 

And also, if I understand you, you're structuring the deal as a quit-claim, where she will essentially sign over the deed at closing, without having to have realtors (and their commissions) involved. If so, then you can also rejoice that, as a partner in the dissolving marriage, you are saving your half of that commission in the deal (which you would lose if you sold the house through a realtor to an outside party and just walked away with the cash proceeds.) And I bet your half of the commission is close to or more than those closing costs, too...

 

Anyway, I'm very sympathetic to the emotional side of your situation, but I hope it makes sense if you can put this into perspective as a standard real-estate business deal, and move forward and get it done and start your new journey as an individual.

 

Very best of luck!

[jazscor]

PW jsut hang in there, I know it seems rough right now, but there is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

My ex and I sold our house when we separated years ago, we paid off all of the debt and moved on. I went and bought another house, it felt great, it was mine not his..nothing to do with him I did on my own.

 

As for ILMW, I read your reply, and would you tell your ex what you think she's spending the child support on? Prob not as I am sure that you don't give enough in support payments for her renno's and trips away. Don't say something on here that your not willing to back up.

 

PW, it does get easier, trust me, when he left, I was hurt, I didn't want it, but in the end I won. Took along time, but I got myself back and it feels liberating. It will take some time, but from your posts so far, you seem like a strong person, just try and keep your head in the game for now.

 

Best of luck

[ilmw]

As for ILMW, I read your reply, and would you tell your ex what you think she's spending the child support on? Prob not as I am sure that you don't give enough in support payments for her renno's and trips away. Don't say something on here that your not willing to back up.

 

 

Eh?

 

I was being sarcastic... Funnily enough... though... she is renovating... and has gone on several trips... so... yes, I do "HELP" pay for those... as ... um... I can't afford to do it myself... more money in her pocket... less in mine. But thanks for your 2 cents!