9 months since d-day update!

[Blindsidedagainalive]

It's been a long time since posting.

For those that don't remember me, I discovered a 6 month affair in Oct 07 after becoming suspicious.

We are still together, but I don't know where it is going.

I guess i don't need to tell anyone here about the pain and the emotional turmoil. It has been quite a rollercoaster ride.

For those that may remember me, I will give you an update.

I returned to work on Jan 2nd after being out for 3 months due to my breakdown.

In January, I began to get into working out very heavily to release anger, but I pushed myself too much.

By March, my weight declined further and I got sick (thrush).

By April, I was down to 134 lbs.

I became nervous because I had insatiable hunger and was eating like an animal, but I kept loosing weight.

Anyway, after a lot of tests they determined that my immune system was severly compromised due to stress (i was showing aids like symtoms...cuts would not heal..thrush...etc).

Throughout this, she was supportive of my illness, but would not give me what I needed.

Anyway, I have been given a clean bill of health and I am gaining weight again!

Throughout the past 9 months, I constantly urge her to give me what I need, but she simply will not talk. I practically beg...to no avail.

The enormous frustration of her clamming up after she cheated contributed to my illness.

Over and over, she would say 'we'll talk on sat, then sat would come and no talking. My god, I could have smashed my head with a cinderblock.

I have threatened to leave.....to no avail.

She has not returned to work yet, so our finances are destroyed as well.

I honestly don't think it will work out in the long run.

Not because of the affair, but her inability to give me what I needed afterward. I am doing all of the work, I am on the websites, I am in therapy, I am buying the books!)

I am beginning to feel better, both physically and emotionally.

I think I will someday look back on this from a different perspective. and move on with my life without her.

[Owl]

Will she consider marriage counseling?

 

I'd HEARTILY suggest finding a marriage counselor who knows how to help a marriage recover from infidelity. Someone who can provide a safe place for her to talk, but can also force all of this out in the open so that you can both work together to deal with it.

 

Its something to consider.

 

And quite honestly...maybe what she needs to hear from you is exactly what you've just told us...that if things don't change, you don't see a future with her together.

 

Make sense?

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Yes, we went to a counselor a few times. The last time it was a disaster and I walked out. She was saying things that are simply not true. For example, she said that I do not respect her opinions about anything. I was soooo pissed off. I do respect her opinion, and ask for it often. In the past, I would disagree with her on a factual issue if she were wrong, not an opinion based issue. When I asked her to think of a single example, she could not. She obviously developed a lot of anger and suppressed it over a long period of time due to her lack of communication. During the affair, I am sure she magnified my shortcomings to justify her actions. I realize that I am not perfect. Here inabitity to communicate, and other emotional problems really became much more obvious to me after the affair. She is weak, non communicative, bitter, no social skills, no desire to improved herself, no hobbies, no friendss, a liar, a cheater, and now very selfish. However, she is a good person deep down. I have enabled her for many years without realizing it. I would encourage her to to develop hobbies and interests but she never would. I was her hobby. The moment (several months before affair) her hobby (me) didn't pay attention to her, she ran to someone else.....

[Bryanp]

Please read what you have written as if it was written by someone else asking for advise. What would you tell them?

Enough is enough. She is killing you slowly. Why don't you think you deserve better than this?

[quankanne]

I think bryan's got a very valid point: You're staying with someone who is, in a nutshell, making you physically ill by her actions, and who is hostile, with no intention to meet you half-way to help improve the situation.

 

and I don't think the trade-off is worth it.

 

as hard as this will be, in your case, dissolving the marriage might be the best things, because it sounds like in her mind, this relationship has nothing to offer her anymore so she's not even bothering to try to salvage it.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

After a great deal of questioning, I learned the following and need thoughts.

She worked with her lover, but not in the same department.

She had only been working there a year.

He was having marriage problems.

She noticed him staring at her and it made her uncomfortable.

She would avoid walking past him.

Occasionally, he would compliment her on her clothes etc.

She told me that they had a total of 3 direct conversations in work prior to him passing his phone #.

I was shocked to hear this.

3 conversations!!!!

When I was single, I worked with women for years that I was interested in, that I did not give my phone#.

Anyway, she called him a few days afterward, and with a week, they were talking constantly.

She said that she was not interested and not attracted to him...but she knew he was interested in her.

She said that it was like a game because she knew he couldn't have her.

Well guess what......he did.

Does the above make sense?

Would a woman call a coworker, who she is not interested in after only 3 conversations?

She claims that it was just to talk.

However, within 2 weeks of talking, he asked if they could meet and she did.

They met a few more times before consumating the affair at a public park.

They then met weekly to do it at this public park (at 9:00 at night).

She said that she wasn't meeting to have sex, but that it just happened each time she met him.

I said 'didn't you realize after the 3rd or 4th time what was going to happen. She said 'she didn't think'.

Is this true?

Call me a man, but it sounds like she was strongly attracted and enfatuated.

[jon01]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need to accept the fact your wife is a bad person.

[Bryanp]

Her story is so ridiculous. The very sad part is that clearly she has no problem lying to you. The worst thing is that she thinks you are a total fool to even possibly believe this story. Everytime she went to the park she did not think she would have sex but she did.....Oh Please.

 

It is your life but how could you possibly respect a spouse who screws another man time and again in a public park. Honestly what you have written makes me think you would have to be some type of masochist to stay with her. It is bad enough that clearly she has no respect for you, herself and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Please don't take this the wrong way, but you need to accept the fact your wife is a whore and a bad person.

 

Well that might be true, but don't whores like to have sex with a lot of men. Would a whore choose to have sex with a 53 year old coworker when she is 40?

I am not disagreeing, there is no doubt what she did was disgusting. However, I am trying to discern the motivation.

If she were looking for sexual excitement, wouln't a younger man be a better choice?

The reason she gave for the public park was that she felt if she went to a hotel, it would be another boundry and she didn't want to go there.

Over the 6 months, they only went to lunch once, never dinner, never overnite. Just the brief weekly meetings in the park.

She said that she did not want the closeness of developing a relationship.

She also claims that it wasn't about the sex, it was about validation and raising her self esteem.

[lkjh]

Well that might be true, but don't whores like to have sex with a lot of men. Would a whore choose to have sex with a 53 year old coworker when she is 40?

I am not disagreeing, there is no doubt what she did was disgusting. However, I am trying to discern the motivation.

If she were looking for sexual excitement, wouln't a younger man be a better choice?

The reason she gave for the public park was that she felt if she went to a hotel, it would be another boundry and she didn't want to go there.

Over the 6 months, they only went to lunch once, never dinner, never overnite. Just the brief weekly meetings in the park.

She said that she did not want the closeness of developing a relationship.

She also claims that it wasn't about the sex, it was about validation and raising her self esteem.

 

First off stop going by what she says because I doubt the whole truth is in her words. Also it seems this was just some man using her for sex because all she required was that he meet her in a park and get his. Are you sure there hasn't been any other men?

[Blindsidedagainalive]

All of the affair books and blogs tell me that it isn't about sex (especially for women).

It says that sex is just the byproduct of development of an emotional bond.

I do believe that to be the case in a lot of circumstances.

However, in my case, they only had 3 discussions before the phone # was passed.

Furthermore, they did not have romance, dinners, gifts.

A lot of phone calls and weekly park meetings.

[lkjh]

Dude it was just some guy using her for sex and she got caught. Maybe she was trying to form a emotional bond but her actions go against this because she didn't spend a lot of time talking to him, she didn't form any real connection first, and she doesn't seem sorry from what you have posted. I' m sure you know your wife but isn't it possible that she is one of those people who just have sex to have sex.I am young but I have known people like this and it's not unheard of people having affairs through out a marriage with out the other party finding out. This is because some people do not associate sex with feelings, they may later change or once they were different but it is possible.

 

Judge a person by there actions

[jon01]

Too much effort seems to be placed on alleviating our misery by trying to analyse, understand and accept the actions of some women.

 

The bottom line is, you are married and she was f*ing another guy. You can read all the books you want, and talk to all the people you want, but in the end she was unfaithful and a whore. If she comes to you and begs for forgiveness, saying she loves you and doesn't want to lose you, expressing her remorse and regrets in a sincere and heartfelt manner, and communicates to you in a way that she understands how bad it was and how she hurt you, then fine. But she isn't even doing that. This is why you can't move on, why you became ill and continue to struggle. She is a bad person, sorry to have to put it so bluntly.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Has this happened to you?

[jon01]

Has this happened to you?

 

Yeah. So I know what you are going through my friend.

[Bryanp]

She was willing to go to a public park and constantly have unprotected sex with this man putting your health at risk for STD's? She did not wish to go to a hotel because it would cross another boundry so she would rather have sex in a public park in order to raise her self-esteem? What is wrong with this picture?

 

It is your life my friend but I sincerely doubt you have the whole story. A woman that would degrade and humiliate herself this way and degrade her spouse in such a manner

is quite a pathetic individual who has a total broken moral compass. I also think she knows how to manipulate you very well. If you wish to rationalize her behavior and stay with her then so be it. I wish you luck because you will need it. I hope you have both been tested for STD's.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

She claims that she always had protected sex with the scumbag (I later learned that he was a deadbeat father and 2X divorced). Yes she did get tested in December and tested positive for HPV 16. However this can be transmitted by contact, so it is not alway sexually transmitted. Also, it has an unpredictable dormancy period, so she could have obtained it recently or a decade agoe.

Because she tested positive for this, she had to go for a colposcopy test because this strain of HPV causes cancer.

Well, the test determined that she had cancer cells on her cervix.

In January, she had part of her Cervix removed.

At the time of the surgery, I went skiing because I could not face her or be there for her.

This was very traumatic for me as well.

[Bryanp]

I am so sorry for you. I wish you well whatever you ultimately decide.

[stampdaddy]

OK, I will come in from a different angle for you:

 

I am the OM (well, not THE OM...). I have watched the MW "minimize" me away as much as possible to her H.. EVERYTHING is at least 1/10th of what was REAL.. If H knew the TRUTH, boy oh boy.. The truth is 4 year EVERYDAY affair. every emotion possible shared and cared for. Every secret, every detail, the most intimate of details.. Dinner, lunch and breakfast and dessert... Over nites, trips (at least 6. you know, getting on a plane and flying across the country trips), etc..... I could go on, but hopefully you are getting the picture.. Now her H sounds like you I bet (no offense), but: Well, they only went away one time, and it was for business.. there were no over nights.. (at least a dozen not including the trips).. she said they didnt have sex very often and it wasnt even that good (BS), We were just friends, but I got confused.. BLAH BLAH BLAH

 

I am just saying that we can all see what you are trying to do, which is noble, but stupid of you to do.. Just at least multipy "your facts" by 10 if not even 20... You WILL have your answer

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Well that may be true for you.

 

The fact is that we are always with each other.

The only time we weren't was during my weekly 1 hour meeting.

That is when she met him.

For 1 hour in the park.

Otherwise, we are always together.

Also, she was never missing otherwise, no gym, no family visits.

Dinner together every night etc.

It is possible that they took vacation days together, but I checked her paystubs for that year and she had no days off without me.

Actually I was shocked.

Why wouldn't you take days off with someone during an affair.

Even if it was just to have a nice day together!

So, I am sure there are things that I don't know, but I don't see it.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Well I suspect one of the lies-- The sex was quick, unsatisfying, small penis.

[lkjh]

why take days off when she works with him? Lunch breaks, sneaking around the office, before work, and the list goes on. It sounds like you are denying what was going on or you are at least trying to minimize it.

[Lucky_One]

"Over the 6 months, they only went to lunch once, never dinner, never overnite. Just the brief weekly meetings in the park.

She said that she did not want the closeness of developing a relationship.

She also claims that it wasn't about the sex, it was about validation and raising her self esteem."

 

 

A weekly f**k in a public park raised her self esteem and validated her value as a woman?

 

She is either lying her ass off to you (and you are clearly buying it), or her self esteem was so previously destroyed that any sort of attention was a positive.

 

She had surgery to remove cancer cells from something that YOU could have given her and you went skiing? Nice.

[stampdaddy]

Thanks for replying.. Not trying to compare the 2 and I "guess" it is good that you dont have all of the stuff that I described.. And you are correct to assume that the Sex details are a lie, or why would she bother? But doesnt that in itself scream at you?? That your WIFE is sneaking out to a freaking park to have sex with another man? How in this world do you even look at her? This is what I cant figure out with some of the stories (even mine).. "Oh, I love her, we have a history, for the kids, whatever" I mean, how in the hell do you shake that? How do you go to dinner and see other couples and think to yourself, "I bet she hasnt cheated on her husband" etc...

[Blindsidedagainalive]

"Over the 6 months, they only went to lunch once, never dinner, never overnite. Just the brief weekly meetings in the park.

She said that she did not want the closeness of developing a relationship.

She also claims that it wasn't about the sex, it was about validation and raising her self esteem."

 

 

A weekly f**k in a public park raised her self esteem and validated her value as a woman?

 

She is either lying her ass off to you (and you are clearly buying it), or her self esteem was so previously destroyed that any sort of attention was a positive.

 

She had surgery to remove cancer cells from something that YOU could have given her and you went skiing? Nice.

 

What do you mean that I could have given her?

I have been faithful to her, even since the affair!

I assumed 'at that time' that she got it from him! Believe me...it was utterly painful to think that. Anyway, she had precancerous cells and I asked my sister to go with her so she had someone to support her.

 

Furthermore, it wasn't that they met often...as I said we were always together and even commuted to work together. They did speak very often (daily) on the phone. Of course, I am sure there may have been other times they met that I am not aware of....I just don't know how because her paystubs show sick and vac days. Also. he lives about 1 hour from where we live and work. My father was living in our house, so they couldn't have come to our house. They couldn't have met before or after work either.