9 months since d-day update!

[michelangelo]

AQre you kidding? Some people do whatever they can to have sex. They do not care the impact on others at all. Self destruction? Sure, why not? They are getting some.

 

 

How many married 53 year old men, with a good job, would get a married subordinate pregnant, then start another affair 1 month later?

It sounds so fishy to me.

 

Not because I expect him to be moral, but just for self-preservation.

If he got a subordinate pregnant (who was married with 2 kids), wouldn't he be a bit nervous that work would find out? and then start a new affair 1 month later.....?

[twice_shy]

During the affair, I am sure she magnified my shortcomings to justify her actions. I realize that I am not perfect. Here inabitity to communicate, and other emotional problems really became much more obvious to me after the affair. She is weak, non communicative, bitter, no social skills, no desire to improved herself, no hobbies, no friendss, a liar, a cheater, and now very selfish. However, she is a good person deep down.

 

No, she isn't.

[twice_shy]

After a great deal of questioning, I learned the following and need thoughts.

She worked with her lover, but not in the same department.

She had only been working there a year.

 

Then she needs to find another job, or quit altogether. It is unacceptable for her to work with this man if you are to stay together.

 

 

She noticed him staring at her and it made her uncomfortable.

 

Thats a lie from her obviously. Exactly the opposite happened for her to shed her clothes for him.

 

 

She would avoid walking past him.

Occasionally, he would compliment her on her clothes etc.

She told me that they had a total of 3 direct conversations in work prior to him passing his phone #.

I was shocked to hear this.

3 conversations!!!

When I was single, I worked with women for years that I was interested in, that I did not give my phone#.

Anyway, she called him a few days afterward, and with a week, they were talking constantly.

 

Let me get this straight, she tries to tell you that she avoids him, but CALLS HIM after he gave her his #? More lies.

 

She must think you are really stupid.

 

 

She said that she was not interested and not attracted to him...but she knew he was interested in her.

 

So? this is why she called him? How much more of this are you going to put up with from a lying cheating wife that is making you physically ill?

 

 

She said that it was like a game because she knew he couldn't have her.

Well guess what......he did.

Does the above make sense?

Would a woman call a coworker, who she is not interested in after only 3 conversations?

 

No. She knew what she was doing. Of course he got her legs open. She wanted him and thats why she called him while lying to you about trying to avoid him.

 

 

However, within 2 weeks of talking, he asked if they could meet and she did.

They met a few more times before consumating the affair at a public park.

They then met weekly to do it at this public park (at 9:00 at night).

She said that she wasn't meeting to have sex, but that it just happened each time she met him.

I said 'didn't you realize after the 3rd or 4th time what was going to happen. She said 'she didn't think'.

 

If that were true, then she is about the biggest imbecile on the planet.

 

Sorry man, more lies. She wanted him, she knew it was going to lead to sex and she bedded him down.

 

How much more of this are you going to take, coupled with the fact that she is putting all the blame on you, before you go out and get yourself a good attorney and start your healing process?

[twice_shy]

ummm forgive me if I'm missing something, but what part of giving it up in a public park either validates your worth or raises your self esteem ? Hell, at least if she was a whore she would have been paid for it..........

 

Not necessarily. Need I remind you of Merriam-Webster's definition of the word with description #3?

[twice_shy]

Wow- Let me first say that if I didn't love her I would be gone already.

 

Some more about her.

She always revered me, she thinks I am intelligent, handsome, witty. I know that she has felt inferior. She came from a very disfunctional family and her house was actually condemned. This was not typical in the neighborhood we grew up. She is average looking with average intelligence and sort of quiet. She does have some superior qualities however. She is cute and funny at times. She has never asked for much and is not superficial. All of my family and friends like her a lot. She packs my lunch, cooks big meals daily and does her share of the chores. She enjoys lifes simple pleasures and likes reading and gardening. She is not high maintenence, and up until the affair....would do most anything for me. She has always looked out for others before herself. In fact she just can't say no (hold the jokes). This is actually a problem because I have to tell her that she does too much. I have lost my license for 10 years (2.5 to go) due to a 3rd dui (sober 8 years now), and she provides me with daily transportation to and from work, as well as the shopping etc.

Furthermore, she has sacrificed having a baby because of this situation. Last year in March 07, she turned 39 with no baby....trouble lurking.

 

Pay attention---Now additional circumstances prior to affair.

The affair went from May 07 (sex started july 07) thru Oct 07.

 

Her father had a stroke and was put in a home. (Jan 07)

Her family was fighting a great deal over this. (Jan 07 to present)

Her brother is an alcholic and would not leave the fathers house which needed to be sold for his care (Mar 07).

Her brother almost died from alcholism and has been in the hospital for the past year.

Her sister (whom she can't get along with) was mismanaging the estate (Jan to Sept 07)

My aunt died in May 07 with a complicated estate (she had no children).

My father moved in my house the previous year and it was driving us crazy. He is very passive agressive and would make our lives miserable.

I finally asked him to move in Sept 07.

My job was going absolutely insane from Mar 07 to Jul 07

I became depressed in April 07 and sought psychiatric care for the first time in my life.

During my depression, I was not speaking to her a lot and did not support her issues. I was speaking to my friends a lot for support so I would not upset her.

It may seem irrelevant here, but our dog got very sick in April 07 as well.

She is our baby, so that wasn't cool either.

 

So, as all of this was going on, I was ignoring her due to my depression.

Plus.....most importantly...her clock was ticking big time.

Along comes a coworker who was in the process of a divorce. His wife was depressed. He was 15 years older, and not a looker, so she felt safe. He tried cheering her up because she was down. Eventually he gave her his phone number. That is were the major boundry was broken. They began talking on the phone talking about bull****. She told me that it allowed her a 1/2 hour escape of all of the problems. He was unhappy in his marriage and asked her if she was happy. She would vent to him and he would criticize me by saying 'he doesn't care about your feelings'. He began casually praising her. Then the compliments started. Then they began to meet for walks.....the rest is history.

 

I cannot justify her affair

 

Sorry my man, but thats all you have been doing.

 

Well, it looks as if you are going to say anything and justify what she did for her so you won't have to think about leaving her. And thats fine. I fully understand the despair that goes with cheating.

 

So if you are going to excuse what she did by citing all these circumstances, and your list is pretty comprehensive, then you just need to sit and take it.

 

You are simply going to have to be content with being the husband of a cheating wife. Because sounds like she will blame you and refuse to work on things, and you will make excuses for her.

 

Good luck with that my man. I feel for you, I really do.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

1.) has this happened to you?

2.) so, based on the fact that she cheated, there is nothing that she can do?

3.) if she could do something, what do you think that is?

[Walk]

I was a wife who had an affair, and there is nothing you could possibly say that would convince me that my H was blameless in the situation. I shouldered my share of the blame, but for him to deny all responsibility for the degredation of the relationship.... it was a kick in the face. He made bad choices. So did I.

 

My point is, in-between what you are saying about your wife, and what you've said about yourself. I feel both of you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. Once it was damaged it left her susceptible to stepping outside of it. She accelerated the breakdown by participating in an affair. But the affair wasn't the real reason for the breakdown in the marriage, its the outcome of it.

 

You walked out on marriage counseling when your wife spoke about how she felt. Your wife opened up to share her views on your marriage and you effectively silenced her by cutting her off and walking out.

 

Yes, we went to a counselor a few times. The last time it was a disaster and I walked out. She was saying things that are simply not true. For example, she said that I do not respect her opinions about anything. I was soooo pissed off.

....

She obviously developed a lot of anger and suppressed it over a long period of time due to her lack of communication.

 

You said you withdrew while your wife was having problems. Her father had a stroke, her brother nearly died, there were large financial problems, her core family were in-fighting and not there for her when she needed them most. You were depressed and "did not support her" issues. You sought out others instead of your wife during these times.

 

You walked away from her when she had cervical cancer.

 

I'm not saying you didn't have your reasons for doing these things. I'm just pointing out that there seems to be a pattern to your behavior. When things are tough, you withdraw to a place you feel safe in. Those times seemed to leave your wife hanging with no support from anyone.

 

Your wife was wrong for what she did. She crossed the line. But if you really want the marriage to work, you're going to have to acknoweldge how you participated in the problems. Til then, you two are wasting your time and you should get divorced. I don't think two people can make it work when both are in denial about their contribution to the problems.

[Walk]

P.s. Since your wife did have the affair you have carte blanche on everything you previously did in the marriage.

 

You have unconditional authority and complete deniablity for everything and anything that went wrong in your marriage. You might as well use it for all its worth. That's the human thing to do.

[torranceshipman]

She was obviously miserable as hell, can't have children because of you, but desperately wants one, was abandoned by you when she had cervical cancer treatment, was shut out by you when you wouldn't talk to her about your problems/depression, is now living with you AND your father who is driving you both mad through this whole deal...yet has spent her whole life falling over herself to love and adore you (by your own admission) and put you first and did everything for you. Perhaps she started to wonder if she'd been making the right choices. Added to the fact that you refer to her as average in your post which isnt nice. I wouldn't be happy if I were your wife at ALL. You do sound a little bit like you think you are superior to her.

 

Maybe she loves and adores you but you pushed her way too far. If I had a partner who abandoned me when I had cancer treatment after I'd spent my life putting him first, I would leave him. Also when you walked out of MC when she said things you didnt think were true-y'know, it is possible they were true, and that you don't understand how much you affect her negatively by the way you sometimes choose to communicate with her.

 

Saying that, I do NOT agree with what she did and I think she is probably gaslighting you - I bet there is a whole lot more that went on that one meeting a week to have sex in the back of a car (that's bad enough though). Plus it is quite possible she wanted a WHOLE lot more and he was charming and pursuing her, and being a player - she was going along with the whole deal so he'd like her, when all he wanted was sex in a pretty sleazy 'back of the car' set up so he didnt have to handle the emotional involvement/only wanted her for sex (or something). I think you are CRAZY for trying to even understand this - your W met a man in a park for sex regularly...what else do you need to know?! I think your R is completely done.

 

This entire situation sucks...if you two were dating you'd have split up a while ago-but being a marriage, are you under the impression it deserves to be saved more than if you weren't married? Usually I guess that would be the case but in this case I think you both should walk away - you have no kids, after all, and the whole R seems really messed up. Plus this is now making you sick (although saying the docs thought you had pancreatic cancer was a histrionic thing to write - someone in my family actually had that and few recover: I doubt a doctor seriously thought you had this). If this is making you so sick, its clearly too negative a thing to have in your life, so separate or divorce from your W and try to move on positively from this as much as you can-dont dwell on it and try to understand as its only making you more miserable.

[Darth Vader]

I spoke to the OM's ex wife several weeks ago.

They got divorced in November 07, 1 month after me learning about the affair.

The other BS told me that her husband 'the OM' confessed that he got a coworker pregnant in April 07.

She said that she kicked him out for 2 months.

My WS claimed that is wasn't her because she began speaking to him a month later.

She swears that she was never pregnant.

She claims that either he lied to his wife, or he was involved with another coworker. How can I tell if she is lying to me?

 

How many married 53 year old men, with a good job, would get a married subordinate pregnant, then start another affair 1 month later?

It sounds so fishy to me.

 

Not because I expect him to be moral, but just for self-preservation.

If he got a subordinate pregnant (who was married with 2 kids), wouldn't he be a bit nervous that work would find out? and then start a new affair 1 month later.....?

 

 

She could've had an abortion. There would be evidence of that, I'm just not sure where........

 

I was a wife who had an affair, and there is nothing you could possibly say that would convince me that my H was blameless in the situation. I shouldered my share of the blame, but for him to deny all responsibility for the degredation of the relationship.... it was a kick in the face. He made bad choices. So did I.

 

Walk, your husband did things wrong in the marriage, yes, no question about that. But a person who has an affair is 100% at fault for the affair, no one twists a persons arm to make them do that, they do that because want to do it! Why, because it's a choice that a person has to make, and not oops I triped and accidently had sex with someone else! So, blameshifting an affair doesn't help, it just abuses the BS mentally and emotionally. (I assume that you don't blame your husband for you having your affair, though.)

 

Futhermore, there are people who do cheat when the BS has done everything right, when there was no lacking in the marriage.

[Walk]

But a person who has an affair is 100% at fault for the affair, no one twists a persons arm to make them do that, they do that because want to do it! Why, because it's a choice that a person has to make, and not oops I triped and accidently had sex with someone else! So, blameshifting an affair doesn't help, it just abuses the BS mentally and emotionally. (I assume that you don't blame your husband for you having your affair, though.)

 

Futhermore, there are people who do cheat when the BS has done everything right, when there was no lacking in the marriage.

 

I agree that the OPs wife (and myself) had a choice in having an affair. Her husband did not kick her to cross the line, she crossed it on her own. Nor did the OM drag her across the line.

 

I didn't hear the wife blame shifting. When I readBlindsidedagainalive's post, he said wrote "Pay attention---Now additional circumstances prior to affair." And under that statement listed quite objectively the circumstances in the wife's life prior to the affair.

 

The post was phrased as hard facts of the situation prior and during the affair. Just facts. No blame on him for his wife's actions, and no blame on her for her actions. Only facts.

 

I haven't found anywhere that the wife was telling her husband it was his fault that she had an affair. She seemed to tell him her reasoning behind it... an idea of her mental and emotional state that allowed her to feel as though her actions were being rewarded. i.e. she felt abandoned by her husband and this guy paid attention to her. Its a reason for her actions, not an excuse. Her husband asked for her reasons for doing this. She told him. You and I know that absolutely Nothing she says will ever come across as anything but an excuse UNLESS she states that she was the idiot, she is fully to blame for everything, that no one else had any influence over her, and no amount of being unhappy is ever reason to cheat. There is NO reason an affair is ever justifiable to a BS, or anyone who's been cheated on, because the pain hurts too much to see a simple human standing in front of you.

 

However, I still feel that the wife has her reasons for starting the affair, and that those reasons would create a situation in which she was susceptible to outside influence. Her issues were not being addressed by her husband, therefore I feel the onus for the problem lies on both parties. Not just her. She screwed up more then him. She needs to put in extra effort to make up for that. But if the BS (in this situation only) doesn't accept his portion of the responsibility then their marriage can not be saved.

 

Blindsidedagainalive said he wanted to save the marriage. He implied that he's been putting in all the effort, and that his wife is not helping him. I believe Blindsidedagainalive doesn't understand why his wife isn't gung-ho about saving a marriage when her problems and issues are discarded.

 

When she feels the underlying problem can be addressed then she may be more willing to work on creating a better relationship... until then, I think she'll accept the blame and stick around until her husband eventually divorces her. She seems to realize that she was wrong for the affair. But she won't have the motivation to work with her husband since her needs were previously ignored, and presently can't be met (no fault on the hubby for not meeting them now, that's too much pain to set aside).

[Walk]

Last thought. For those who say she should've left before having an affair. Its great that you feel this way, but look at the situation as if you were in it. Your father just had a stroke, your brother nearly died, you can't afford care for your father due to financial issues. Your husband is not communicating with you, not really "present" with you. Your father-in-law who is overbearing is living with you. You're driving your husband every where he needs to go because he lost his license over 8 years ago, and he depends on you for transportation. You have a hole in you that screams to be heard, and the one person you've put on a pedestal for the last X number of years is too preoccupied with his own problems to hear yours. You have no where to turn, no support from family, no extra money, and your husband is dependant on you to get to work every day.

 

What would you do? If you put yourself in that situation, what would you do? I'm not saying she was right, only that she was in a crappy situation, and she made a decision to get her needs met. It was a bad decision. But when I place myself in her shoes, I can't call her a bad person for what she did. Only that she made a really stupid decision in a situation where she felt she didn't have many alternatives.

[taylor]

Sounds like you and your wife have had your fair share of negative events sledgehammering your marriage.

 

I'm sure you both have felt your lives have been out of control for a number of years..kind of like living in a never ending nightmare. Both of you sound like your lives are out of control and you both seem lost, like you're sitting in the ashes on a battlefield.

 

I feel for both of you.

 

I would guess your wife turned to this affair as an escape from her real life. Something..anything...to bring her a tiny bit of happiness in the midst of alot of turmoil and sorrow. This is not justification. But sometimes people do things to relieve pain....alcohol, drugs, sex. It's a temporary fix. Not a cure.

 

For your marriage to get back on track, there are alot of issues you both need to face head-on if you both have the strength and determination to do it.

 

You need to create some semblance of order back in your lives. Financial problems, family conflicts, alcoholism, an affair, have all taken their toll not only on your marriage, but on your individual psyches.

 

I think counseling, perhaps individual counseling first, would be very helpful. You and your wife have alot to work through.

 

What saddens me the most is your wife's desire to have a baby, yet you remain childless. Can I ask why? or did I miss that answer?

 

No, I do't think this is the time in either one of your lives to have a child..heaven forbid. But a woman's desire to have a child can be very strong. To think that dream may never come true can be devastating to a woman. How does your wife feel about this?

[Blindsidedagainalive]

She was obviously miserable as hell, can't have children because of you, but desperately wants one, was abandoned by you when she had cervical cancer treatment, was shut out by you when you wouldn't talk to her about your problems/depression, is now living with you AND your father who is driving you both mad through this whole deal...yet has spent her whole life falling over herself to love and adore you (by your own admission) and put you first and did everything for you. Perhaps she started to wonder if she'd been making the right choices. Added to the fact that you refer to her as average in your post which isnt nice. I wouldn't be happy if I were your wife at ALL. You do sound a little bit like you think you are superior to her.

 

Maybe she loves and adores you but you pushed her way too far. If I had a partner who abandoned me when I had cancer treatment after I'd spent my life putting him first, I would leave him. Also when you walked out of MC when she said things you didnt think were true-y'know, it is possible they were true, and that you don't understand how much you affect her negatively by the way you sometimes choose to communicate with her.

 

Saying that, I do NOT agree with what she did and I think she is probably gaslighting you - I bet there is a whole lot more that went on that one meeting a week to have sex in the back of a car (that's bad enough though). Plus it is quite possible she wanted a WHOLE lot more and he was charming and pursuing her, and being a player - she was going along with the whole deal so he'd like her, when all he wanted was sex in a pretty sleazy 'back of the car' set up so he didnt have to handle the emotional involvement/only wanted her for sex (or something). I think you are CRAZY for trying to even understand this - your W met a man in a park for sex regularly...what else do you need to know?! I think your R is completely done.

 

This entire situation sucks...if you two were dating you'd have split up a while ago-but being a marriage, are you under the impression it deserves to be saved more than if you weren't married? Usually I guess that would be the case but in this case I think you both should walk away - you have no kids, after all, and the whole R seems really messed up. Plus this is now making you sick (although saying the docs thought you had pancreatic cancer was a histrionic thing to write - someone in my family actually had that and few recover: I doubt a doctor seriously thought you had this). If this is making you so sick, its clearly too negative a thing to have in your life, so separate or divorce from your W and try to move on positively from this as much as you can-dont dwell on it and try to understand as its only making you more miserable.

 

 

Need to add more:

 

1.) Although I thought that a baby was not right for us in our situation, it was just my opinion. We did not use birth control, so I was always ready to be a father if she got pregnant. So, I allowed every opportunity for her to get pregnant.

 

2.) to her as average in your post which isnt nice. I wouldn't be happy if I were your wife at ALL. ---- Well I beg to differ. These are simply facts. I simply say this because I think this added to her self esteem issues. I have praised, supported, and bragged about her for 22 years. I have taken her all over the world and treated her with romance that she would have unlikely gotten amungst our circles from Hudson County, NJ. When she was sick, I doted on her. Trust me, her friends and coworkers always shared 'how lucky she was'. This was due to how I treated her, not how either of us looked.

 

3.) abandoned me when I had cancer treatment - Your comment really pissed me off. I learned of this 2 months after I learned of the affair while I was insane. We found out because 'I' insisted her to be tested for STD's. Finally she did 'after I begged', and tested positive for HPV, which is sexually transmitted. Imagine what my head was like when I learned that she caught an STD? I was taking tranquilizers constantly at that time. Furthermore, I asked my sister to go to the hospital with her to support her. Before the affair, I would attend to any sickness she had personally.

 

The simple fact is that we were very close for 22 years.

For a few months....a few months before the affair, I got depressed.

So, the moment I did not support her 'by my standards', she felt isolated and escaped into the arms of another man.

 

Thanks...very upbeat and positive.

Just the sort of stuff I was hoping for after being crushed

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Sounds like you and your wife have had your fair share of negative events sledgehammering your marriage.

 

I'm sure you both have felt your lives have been out of control for a number of years..kind of like living in a never ending nightmare. Both of you sound like your lives are out of control and you both seem lost, like you're sitting in the ashes on a battlefield.

 

I feel for both of you.

 

I would guess your wife turned to this affair as an escape from her real life. Something..anything...to bring her a tiny bit of happiness in the midst of alot of turmoil and sorrow. This is not justification. But sometimes people do things to relieve pain....alcohol, drugs, sex. It's a temporary fix. Not a cure.

 

For your marriage to get back on track, there are alot of issues you both need to face head-on if you both have the strength and determination to do it.

 

You need to create some semblance of order back in your lives. Financial problems, family conflicts, alcoholism, an affair, have all taken their toll not only on your marriage, but on your individual psyches.

 

I think counseling, perhaps individual counseling first, would be very helpful. You and your wife have alot to work through.

 

What saddens me the most is your wife's desire to have a baby, yet you remain childless. Can I ask why? or did I miss that answer?

 

No, I do't think this is the time in either one of your lives to have a child..heaven forbid. But a woman's desire to have a child can be very strong. To think that dream may never come true can be devastating to a woman. How does your wife feel about this?

 

 

Regarding the baby thing, it is a long story. Frankly, we spent too many years enjoying our lives with travelling, dinners etc. The rush was not so critical in our 20's. We talked about it as we both love kids, but we still had plently of time. Besides, we weren't using birth control realizing that she could get pregnant at any time. By the time she was 32, I lost my licence for 10 years which destroyed my income and livelyhood. I quit drinking that night, and remain sober. Now however, we are in a fix. All of our money ran out, and I used $100K of my 401K to stay afloat. At that point however, I did feel that she would stick with it as I worked very hard for many years prior and I purchased 2 homes with my income that I added her onto both deeds. At that point, I realized that children were not a good idea. I know what happens to kids in financially strapped homes. I felt that the burden would be too much for her. I would not be able to participate enough in the responsibilities. I communicated this to her. I told her that I understood if she had to leave me to start a family. I did not want that at all, but if she needed a baby, it would not work for us. She said that she would never consider leaving me. I offered to sell our investment property to afford a child...she did not want to do that. She wanted it all....which I can't blame her for. I could not support a family on my income. I tried very hard to increase my income, to no avail. So, we stopped talking about it.

 

Here is the saddest part....I so much wanted to give her a child, realizing that we may not have conceived as we have not used birth control in 20 years. In the aftermath of this affair, she turned 40. So her dream is now shattered, but I could probably have a child in a future relationship. Wow, that's a pile of emotions both of us.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

I was a wife who had an affair, and there is nothing you could possibly say that would convince me that my H was blameless in the situation. I shouldered my share of the blame, but for him to deny all responsibility for the degredation of the relationship.... it was a kick in the face. He made bad choices. So did I.

 

My point is, in-between what you are saying about your wife, and what you've said about yourself. I feel both of you contributed to the breakdown of the marriage. Once it was damaged it left her susceptible to stepping outside of it. She accelerated the breakdown by participating in an affair. But the affair wasn't the real reason for the breakdown in the marriage, its the outcome of it.

 

You walked out on marriage counseling when your wife spoke about how she felt. Your wife opened up to share her views on your marriage and you effectively silenced her by cutting her off and walking out.

 

 

 

You said you withdrew while your wife was having problems. Her father had a stroke, her brother nearly died, there were large financial problems, her core family were in-fighting and not there for her when she needed them most. You were depressed and "did not support her" issues. You sought out others instead of your wife during these times.

 

You walked away from her when she had cervical cancer.

 

I'm not saying you didn't have your reasons for doing these things. I'm just pointing out that there seems to be a pattern to your behavior. When things are tough, you withdraw to a place you feel safe in. Those times seemed to leave your wife hanging with no support from anyone.

 

Your wife was wrong for what she did. She crossed the line. But if you really want the marriage to work, you're going to have to acknoweldge how you participated in the problems. Til then, you two are wasting your time and you should get divorced. I don't think two people can make it work when both are in denial about their contribution to the problems.

 

 

Makes sense...however, why didn't I have an affair then? While she was having the affair, I was approached by 2 women on 2 different occasions. Both were single, and one was very attractive. I was feeling very down at that time. What did I do? I came home and told the WS about it. I told her that a woman has been flirting with me and I told her I was in a commited relationship. Had I known that my WS was park porking at that time, perhaps I would have acted on it. The irony is...she was reminded of my commitment at that time, and still kept cheating.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

. Plus this is now making you sick (although saying the docs thought you had pancreatic cancer was a histrionic thing to write - someone in my family actually had that and few recover: I doubt a doctor seriously thought you had this).

 

You are calling me a liar.

I think this is very irresponsible and rude.

 

My uncle and aunt both died of pancreatic cancer.

My aunt died 6 months prior to the affair discovery.

When I learned of the affair, of course I got sick and lost weight.

I got down to 146 lbs.

 

But 5 months afterward, I got a stubborn case of thrush.

This is a symptom of HIV or cancer.

I went to the doctor for the trush, and the treatment did not work.

Shortly after that my weight began to drop suddenly (14 lbs in 2 weeks).

Now that I was down to 134 lbs, with thrush, my weight would not stabilize.

My hips and back ribs were protruding.

My waist was a 28!

I am 43 and have not had a 28 inch waist since I was 15.

My family was extremely worried and would gasp when they saw me.

I took blood tests, ultrasound, endoscopy, colonoscopy, and they ruled out everything. That is when the doctor suggested pancreatic cancer.

Look it up! Rapid and constant weight loss combined with thrush!

Especially with a family history!

Believe me, when you are eating like a linebacker, and are dropping like a rock, it is very scary.

You must be a jackass.

You have no idea what this was doing to me, the WS, my family etc.

[Walk]

Makes sense...however, why didn't I have an affair then? While she was having the affair, I was approached by 2 women on 2 different occasions. Both were single, and one was very attractive. I was feeling very down at that time. What did I do? I came home and told the WS about it. I told her that a woman has been flirting with me and I told her I was in a commited relationship. Had I known that my WS was park porking at that time, perhaps I would have acted on it. The irony is...she was reminded of my commitment at that time, and still kept cheating.

 

You're a good man for doing that! And you never deserved to have your wife cheat on you. Heck, no one deserves that.

 

Really all I was trying to point out is that you two had problems prior to the affair which haven't been addressed (not including the affair in this). And those problems are still present but you now have the addition of the affair.

 

I feel bad for all you've been going through. If I were in your shoes I would divorce your wife as amicably as possible and be single for a while. Concentrate on your health (mental and physical), and when you feel strong again.. then re-enter the dating scene. I think you need a long period of "you" time to heal from this.

 

You don't have to stay in the marriage. If you choose to stay though, then I think its vitally important to the health of the relationship that you take your wifes perceptions about the previous marital problems to heart and not dismiss them. Otherwise, you two are wasting energy that could be spent more productively.

[torranceshipman]

Point taken, big apology due It is sometimes very very hard to get an impression from a brief story posted on the net, so that is really how the situation came across to me, but from your follow up posts I can see more and that you're upset - sorrry about that!

 

I do still think the R is on its last legs though, and sounds like you could both be in a happier place if you went your separate ways - sounds like an unhappy situation all round.

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Apology is completely accepted!

 

You are correct about it being 'on it's last legs'.

 

There are many reasons (excuses) why I haven't left yet.

Although some are really big reasons, the biggest is probably my inability to emotionally disengage from her.

She was 18 and I was 20 when we started going steady.

I don't know anything else.

We have been looking after each other for 22 years.

We are so unbelievably codependent it is pathetic.

Both of us are guilty of being too concerned with the others well being. Our hobbies were each other. It has always been that way.

We enjoyed each others company so much that neither of us wanted to be away from the other.

This dynamic undoubtably plays a role in the affair or prior mentality.

[Mr. Lucky]

We have been looking after each other for 22 years.

We are so unbelievably codependent it is pathetic.

Both of us are guilty of being too concerned with the others well being. Our hobbies were each other. It has always been that way.

We enjoyed each others company so much that neither of us wanted to be away from the other.

Blindsided, I'm struck by the obvious contradictions between your perceptions quoted above and your wife's conduct. Are you sure that you're looking clearly at the interaction between the two of you ?

 

Mr. Lucky

[Darth Vader]

Makes sense...however, why didn't I have an affair then? While she was having the affair, I was approached by 2 women on 2 different occasions. Both were single, and one was very attractive. I was feeling very down at that time. What did I do? I came home and told the WS about it. I told her that a woman has been flirting with me and I told her I was in a commited relationship. Had I known that my WS was park porking at that time, perhaps I would have acted on it. The irony is...she was reminded of my commitment at that time, and still kept cheating.

 

 

I hope that you have shoved that reminder of the info back into her face! What did she say to that?

[Blindsidedagainalive]

For the first time in 10 months, she finally came to me to talk. We have spoken in the past, but it was driven from me.

 

Here is her story:

 

In spring 2007, she was feeling very down about our family circumstances.

 

Most of the things were outside of her contol (father sick, my father living with us, her brother, sister, and me). She felt like she had no one to talk to about this.

She felt lonely due to the fact that I was talking to my friends a lot about my father living with us. I started suggesting for her to go to therapy, seek friends, go to the gym, take a class. She does not feel comfortable doing these things, so she began to get angry at me and my suggestions[she said that she felt like she would fail doing these things. She began carrying this into work. The man noticed her being down in work. He began talking to her, and paying more attention to her. She said she liked the attention. She felt like he was attracted to her.

He seemed very interested in everything she said. He seemed kind, sincere. She believed this because he is always trying to help others and please them. When she got the attention, she could play along because it would go nowhere. He offered his # to her. She called a few days later just as a goof. They began talking, and it seemed like she forgot about her problems when they spoke.

He would listen and not judge. He would say 'don't worry, everything will work out okay". His attitude was not pushy at all. They spoke more often, and she became attracted to him. He would act very silly and they would talk about work and nonsense. She told him that she was just not happy. He would say 'maybe you are not happy in your relationship, but are afraid to leave it.' So she then began to question if our relationship was a source of her down feelings. He would praise her more often. He suggested that they meet to talk directly. So, they met to chat and nothing more. After a few times, he held her hand. The next time, he kissed her. The next time it was the fully monty. At that time, she felt wanted. As soon as she felt guilty, she would block it out. When the sexual affair began, she did not think about it, she would put it out of her mind. She said that she never expressed to him her deep feelings for me. She would just complain to him when she was angry. She would not discuss my positive qualities. Now, everything I did made her angry and got on her nerves. She said that she would not consider any repercussions, it just kept going on. She felt she had complete control. She would dictate the calls (because he never called), the times to meet (he was always avail, she was not) and so on. She felt empowered. After a while, she began to think, if Michael finds out, he will simply leave me.

During this time, she felt that he thought that we weren't that close. He would act very surprized when he overheard her talking positive about me in work. He overheard me calling her 'babe' while we were together and was surprized. He told her he was jealeous when he overheard us doing things on the weekend. He would ask her 'what are we doing?", and she would reply 'i don't know'.

She reconfirmed that they only met at the park. She said that it felt less intimate, but somehow special and secretive. It was their special thing that nobody new about. A hotel would be more of a commitment and too intimimate. She felt their relationship was like a friendship with sex. He would tell her that he felt so wanted (I need to ask her why he thought that). She felt more free with him. She did not have to discuss sex with him, it would just happen. With us, it seemed like more work and rigid.

So, overall I was pleased with our discussion. At nooooo point did she blame me for anything. She took full ownership, saying 'it is not about you or us....it's about me'.

]She did not even complain much about me prior to the affair. It was all about her and her feelings

She seemed honest and sincere with one exception which really makes me wonder

]Let me preface it with the following:

During the affair, she said that the status did not change basically. It just went on and on.

Last night however she told me the following, and tell me what you think:

 

"he said to me...can we continue to see each other just for sex"

Why would he say this if they were not comtemplating breaking up?

I have my own theory......perhaps they were in contact post discovery!!!

[Blindsidedagainalive]

Need feedback

[Darth Vader]

"he said to me...can we continue to see each other just for sex"

Why would he say this if they were not comtemplating breaking up?

I have my own theory......perhaps they were in contact post discovery!!!

 

It could be that they are still having sex, that's what I'm getting.......