Should I break up with my girlfriend for lying to me about this?

[Bleed Internal]

My girlfriend has a checkered sexual past, but this isn't about retroactive jealousy. At first it took me a while to get over her past, but I've been with just as many, if not more, people than her and I eventually got over it to some degree. My issue with her sexual past is that some of these encounters were with friends, friends who find their way into the present.

 

For the past few months she has occassionally exchanged e-mails with a very good friend of hers that she had sex with a couple times in the past. It bothered me, but many of my sexual partners were friends who I am on good terms with now so I understood. He lives in another country now so their e-mails have been innocent, merely catching up. However, I have made it clear that I would be very hurt if she were to meet up with him if he returns to America.

 

Well I found out inadvertently that he is back in America. I asked her about it and she said that it doesn't matter, she has no plans to contact him or meet up with him. Well, she has a history of cheating (as do I), so I didn't trust her word at all. I checked her e-mail and what have you, she e-mailed him a few hours before we talked, asking him if he has back in town. She never mentions me in these e-mails. She also sent him pictures and told him to keep e-mailing her. She's being completely untrustworthy. I tried to get the truth out of her but she keeps lying. Her actions don't hurt me as much as her dishonesty. If she's gonna lie about this it makes me feel like I can't trust her at all.

 

I'm seriously thinking about ending it. Can somebody help me?

[Booker43]

Well its probably best to let her know that you know she's lying to you. Then demand an explanation (yes, you do have the right to demand an explanation at this point). Then you'll see whether she's still going to lie, or whether she wants to be honest with you and perhaps you guys can talk about it and work it out.

[blondiepants]

What is shady about this scenario is that she a) lied to you, and b) sent pictures??!?!

 

What do these pictures look like? Are they sexual or provocative? I suppose even if they are just normal pictures that she looks cute in, it is WAY inappropriate.

 

I would be seriously upset with her for this, but I don't know if it's break up time. You say she has a past of cheating... did she cheat on YOU, or previous boyfriends?

 

It sounds like she is interested in this guy, and that sends a huge red flag to me. Communicating with people who you have had sex with is a "no" in my book - I find it to be disrespectful to your partner. But lying and sending pictures is crossing the line big time. You need to confront her about her interest in this guy. See what she says. Then decide what to do.

 

Sorry about this all - I would be devastated.

[Bryanp]

It seems clear she has absolutely no problem lying to your face. Clearly she is willing to destroy your relationship by continuing to contact him and lying to you. I think it is time to move on and find someone who does not have a pattern of cheating and lying to your face. The lying to your face would have to be a deal breaker. There is now no way you could possibly trust her now and in the future and I think you know this.

[dazed.1]

Well you said yourself: she has slept with this person in the past; you don't trust her; and you've tried talking to her about it and she denies it...

 

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

 

You should talk to her, but if she is still dishonest, you should end it.

 

 

On a side note, you said "I don't trust her word at all"....is that really the kind of relationship you want to be in?

[Bleed Internal]

Well its probably best to let her know that you know she's lying to you. Then demand an explanation (yes, you do have the right to demand an explanation at this point). Then you'll see whether she's still going to lie, or whether she wants to be honest with you and perhaps you guys can talk about it and work it out.

That's what I just did. Sent her an e-mail. I'm waiting to see how she reacts. Then I will make a decision from there.

[verve]

That's what I just did. Sent her an e-mail. I'm waiting to see how she reacts. Then I will make a decision from there.

 

Schooooooolboy error my friend.

 

You should have done it face to face. Because you've emailed her you've given her time to prepare a story, you never get the truth out of somebody if you prep them beforehand. If you put them on the spot then its more likely you will.

 

She'll no doubt prep this guy on what to say if you contact him, tell him to say certain things and whatnot and she'll collaborate a story with him. So if something has been planned or was going on you sure aren't going to find out about it now dummy.

[Javelin]

Schooooooolboy error my friend.

 

You should have done it face to face. Because you've emailed her you've given her time to prepare a story, you never get the truth out of somebody if you prep them beforehand. If you put them on the spot then its more likely you will.

 

She'll no doubt prep this guy on what to say if you contact him, tell him to say certain things and whatnot and she'll collaborate a story with him. So if something has been planned or was going on you sure aren't going to find out about it now dummy.

 

+1, for good ol' common sense..

------

 

Since you both are cheaters, I guess you two belong together! Why not play the same game back in her face? I mean, what do you have to lose? You already don't trust her and she probably could careless about your feelings.

[Walk]

You said you have sexual partners who you are on good terms with now, but you don't want your gf to meet up with her past sexual partner. Do you do the same in return by not meeting up with your past sexual partners or contacting them? I'm wondering if she feels that you're asking her for something you aren't willing to do yourself... so instead of obeying something you don't practice she does what you give yourself permission for...? (not sure if you still see the other girls still or talk to them) It may come off as a do as I say, but not as I do which can push people to rebel against what they perceive as unjust.

 

You don't trust her, there are far too many issues here that will prevent the both of you from ever having a solid foundation for a relationship. You would be better off cutting this one off, working on your own issues, and then focusing on finding someone who you can actually trust. Put your effort into having the type of relationship you can feel safe in rather than one where you are constantly checking emails, tracking movements, etc. Its worth the effort.

[Bleed Internal]

You said you have sexual partners who you are on good terms with now, but you don't want your gf to meet up with her past sexual partner. Do you do the same in return by not meeting up with your past sexual partners or contacting them? I'm wondering if she feels that you're asking her for something you aren't willing to do yourself... so instead of obeying something you don't practice she does what you give yourself permission for...? (not sure if you still see the other girls still or talk to them) It may come off as a do as I say, but not as I do which can push people to rebel against what they perceive as unjust.

 

You don't trust her, there are far too many issues here that will prevent the both of you from ever having a solid foundation for a relationship. You would be better off cutting this one off, working on your own issues, and then focusing on finding someone who you can actually trust. Put your effort into having the type of relationship you can feel safe in rather than one where you are constantly checking emails, tracking movements, etc. Its worth the effort.

 

For the record, I don't talk to anyone I used to be involved with, even if I am on good terms with them. These people leave my life once my relationship with them is over, yet my gf finds it necessary to hold onto hers.

 

Walk, everything you said was so true, and I've been denying it and not letting myself believe that for so long because I don't want to. I do love this girl, but she is a threat to my sanity. I can't continue to go on with someone I can't trust. Someone that I feel the need to constantly check up on. She continued to lie to my face about the e-mail situation until I made her check it in front of me. Now I really don't trust her. It's so hard to end it. I know I have to, but I don't know if I actually will anytime soon.

[verve]

You do need to end it, even if you got past this particular issue, your relationsihp would probably limp on for a little while longer before some other issue came up and that lack of trust would show once again.

 

It is extremely hard to tear yourself away from somebody who you love, even if you know that they are no good for you or are even potentially cheating. But it really is for the best.

 

Good luck with things.

[Bleed Internal]

You do need to end it, even if you got past this particular issue, your relationsihp would probably limp on for a little while longer before some other issue came up and that lack of trust would show once again.

 

It is extremely hard to tear yourself away from somebody who you love, even if you know that they are no good for you or are even potentially cheating. But it really is for the best.

 

Good luck with things.

I'm going to wait a couple weeks before I end it. Hopefully I can fake enough emotion to make it through those weeks. The reason I'm doing so is because next week she's going to be in a position where she's able to rebound easily and quickly, and although I know she's no good for me, I still care for her and wouldn't be able to handle that right now. After these next two weeks we'll both be on an even playing field and it won't even bother me that much if she does rebound because I'll be in a position to do the same.

[mental_traveller]

Dump the liar

[whichwayisup]

Why play games? You both have cheated in the past and it's obvious neither of you have any respect for eachother, let alone a healthy relationship. Just tell her that you two are not a good mix and it's time to say goodbye.

[Javelin]

Just an insight to my above post... Someone had already posted the advice I was going to give, so I had to be the jerk this time.

 

Anywho, dump her, she's not worth the effort.

[nopainnogain]

I'm going to wait a couple weeks before I end it. Hopefully I can fake enough emotion to make it through those weeks. The reason I'm doing so is because next week she's going to be in a position where she's able to rebound easily and quickly, and although I know she's no good for me, I still care for her and wouldn't be able to handle that right now. After these next two weeks we'll both be on an even playing field and it won't even bother me that much if she does rebound because I'll be in a position to do the same.

 

 

The sooner the better

[Spectre]

You basically said you think she will be banging other guys if you dump her. Thats grade a skank, leave her now.

[Bleed Internal]

So we kind of got past it I suppose. She said that she didn't think she was lying and that she didn't think she had to tell me every little thing she does, but she would do so from now on. I don't really buy any of it and I'm still kinda skeptical to fully trust her, but whatever.

 

If anything, the situation has made me rather apathetic towards her. People only hurt you when you don't expect it. When you realize that someone you love, someone you thought was almost perfect, has the ability to hurt you it sort of numbs you. It's hard for me to even be hurt now because I expect it. Things are generally good between us, but when trust is broken I don't think things are ever the same. My feelings have a glass ceiling now.

[soda]

So we kind of got past it I suppose. She said that she didn't think she was lying and that she didn't think she had to tell me every little thing she does, but she would do so from now on. I don't really buy any of it and I'm still kinda skeptical to fully trust her, but whatever.

 

If anything, the situation has made me rather apathetic towards her. People only hurt you when you don't expect it. When you realize that someone you love, someone you thought was almost perfect, has the ability to hurt you it sort of numbs you. It's hard for me to even be hurt now because I expect it. Things are generally good between us, but when trust is broken I don't think things are ever the same. My feelings have a glass ceiling now.

 

You either need to work on the relationship...or move on. You don't trust her, you don't respect her, and she doesn't respect you.

 

How can things be "generally good" if you've both cheated on each other?

[lovestruck818]

I say dump her. It's apparant you both have trust issues. If she is lying to you & you are checking her e-mail, clearly there is no trust there.

[Bleed Internal]

You either need to work on the relationship...or move on. You don't trust her, you don't respect her, and she doesn't respect you.

 

How can things be "generally good" if you've both cheated on each other?[/quote]

 

We haven't cheated on each other. That's a deal breaker for me. Had that ever happened this post wouldn't even have been created. We have histories of cheating on past partners.

[jalexa0905]

well i dont' know her personally but from what you describe its seems like maybe she i causing you more pain than good. one if she is meeting up with this guy with out telling you and she has a cheating past. their get togethers are probably not to discuss her outfits for the next day. aside from that the biggest problem i see is that you said it yourself you don't believe a single thing she says. sorry but thats not a good thing at all. if you love her and she loves you there needs to be trust and understanding. the two things that are apparently missing in your relationship. so....if you ask me you should probably find someone that will treat you and your relationship better.

 

much luck , hope things work out. remember keep your head up. things will work .

[Walk]

So we kind of got past it I suppose. She said that she didn't think she was lying and that she didn't think she had to tell me every little thing she does, but she would do so from now on. I don't really buy any of it and I'm still kinda skeptical to fully trust her, but whatever.

 

I think you need to understand the incredible up-hill battle both of you will have to fight in order to "get past" the problems you two are having. We're not talking about a simple apology and over a few weeks the damage will heal. You two have had problems since day one of the relationship. You two are going to have to have some deep, open discussions about the core beliefs each of you holds and how those match or don't match. Both of you will have to find ways to comprimise on the differences so each of you can be happy in the relationship.

 

But as it stands now... a couple weeks will go by and the same exact problems you've been having will rear their ugly little heads again, and again.

 

Do you think the two of you can start discussing some of the bigger problems in the relationship? Can you trust her to follow through on her word?

 

Choosing not to break up with someone shouldn't be avoided because you think she'll jump to the next guy. You seem to have connected your self-image to how this girl acts. If you broke up with her and she runs to another guy, that doesn't make you less of a person. It doesn't reflect on you at all. That's her issue, not yours.

 

Now is not the time to sit back and wait though. Start working on making this relationship the kind you'll be proud to be a part of, or end it. If your gf isn't putting in an equal share of effort, then stop wasting your time. But make sure you communicate everything to her. Give her the option of of working with you on a solution.

 

Your belief that you'll just sit back and watch the chips fall will lead to one place... the end of the relationship. Either end it now, or work to prevent that. But please don't sit there feeling like you're trapped and numbed by everything. You have control over what happens if you take action. If you do nothing, then you've given up already.

[sandrawg]

I think you need to understand the incredible up-hill battle both of you will have to fight in order to "get past" the problems you two are having. We're not talking about a simple apology and over a few weeks the damage will heal. You two have had problems since day one of the relationship. You two are going to have to have some deep, open discussions about the core beliefs each of you holds and how those match or don't match. Both of you will have to find ways to comprimise on the differences so each of you can be happy in the relationship.

 

But as it stands now... a couple weeks will go by and the same exact problems you've been having will rear their ugly little heads again, and again.

 

Do you think the two of you can start discussing some of the bigger problems in the relationship? Can you trust her to follow through on her word?

 

Choosing not to break up with someone shouldn't be avoided because you think she'll jump to the next guy. You seem to have connected your self-image to how this girl acts. If you broke up with her and she runs to another guy, that doesn't make you less of a person. It doesn't reflect on you at all. That's her issue, not yours.

 

Now is not the time to sit back and wait though. Start working on making this relationship the kind you'll be proud to be a part of, or end it. If your gf isn't putting in an equal share of effort, then stop wasting your time. But make sure you communicate everything to her. Give her the option of of working with you on a solution.

 

Your belief that you'll just sit back and watch the chips fall will lead to one place... the end of the relationship. Either end it now, or work to prevent that. But please don't sit there feeling like you're trapped and numbed by everything. You have control over what happens if you take action. If you do nothing, then you've given up already.

 

I totally agree!

 

Trust, once broken, is very hard to get back. I am dealing w/this issue, w/my bf. We are in couples counseling because it was the only way I knew how to deal with things, without breaking up.

 

We just started, but the fact that he is willing to go, shows a commitment to me that helps mitigate the trust issue.