Is it over or can we have what we once did?

[wicklunb]

Hello all. I need some advice, tips or whatever you can offer to me on my situation. I am sorry it is so long but i felt you needed background. Here's whats up.

 

My girlfriend and I have dated for almost 3 years I am 30 and she is 23. Our relationship has changed over the past 6 months. Before this change we were together 3 to 4 hours a day, 7 days a week she worked part time and went to school and I worked full time. She is a very caring and compassionate person. She would always write me notes and give me cards etc. and she wanted me to do the same for her because she wants someone to love her in the way she loves them. I can understand that now, but then I just didn't get it. She would bring to my attention that she felt unappreciated and I would just shrug it off and say that's not who I am.

 

After about a year and a half she stopped trying to get me to be the man she wanted me to be and honestly I thought our relationship was better. We got along better, I actually tried more than I had in the past. Before when she'd ask me to do something with her that I did not want to do I would say no, but now I find myself always up to do things she wants. At the beginning of this year I returned to school to try and obtain my degree and also got back to training in the gym while continuing to work 40+ hours per week. Soon after she told me she wanted to start spening more time with her friends and family because she felt that was something she needed in her life. I agree and as she would tell you if she were here, the change made our relationship much better. I mean we had fights about it because I was afraid she would meet someone else.

 

About 5 months ago her Grand mother that she loves so dearly and and lives with and takes care of was diagnosed with cancer. So we began to see even less of each other. If she isn't taking her grandmother to a chemo treatment she is taking care of her at home because she is sick from the treatments. She stays tired alot and she is also a diabetic adn is on hormones for cysts. All this time apart had started to get to me I went from seeing her 7 days a week to 3 days and for less time a day. I asked her what was up. I knew what was going on with her faimily and understood that but I guess I felt that I was more important than the friends and I she should spend less time with them and more with me because the time we did spend together was not always good. She was cranky irritable mean in some cases. At this point she told there were days she dreaded coming over to my place or anywhere for that matter. She just wanted to go hame and be left alone. She felt pulled in all directions. She said she still loved me butthat something had changed and she wasn't sure what it was.

 

Shortly after that we went on a vacation together and those were the 5 greatest days of my life. It was me and her no worries, no cares, for both of us it was an escape from all we had to go through at home. Once we returned I was a little down after spending 5 straight days with her but our relationship turned to normal and for a while it was better than it was when we left. We took another short vacation. and it was good but we somehow got on the discussion of marriage and she said she was not ready and I told her I could not wait forever. This weighed heavy on her mind and one nite we were laying beside each other when she asked if we broke up if I thought we would be friends. I asked why and she said she could not get that comment out of her mind that I had made when we were away. I told her there was nothing to worry about because I would never leave her and I would wait if I has to.

 

She was still disturbed and could not get it off her mind. I had known something was wrong after our trip but I couldn't place my hand on it. I was becoming very depressed and had started drinking alot more to try and hide the pain of not knowing why my girlfriend didn't seem to act toward me the way she once did. After too weeks it had built up inside me so much I told her we needed to talk about our relationship. I told her it was crappy and she agreed. I told her I didn'yt know why and she didn't either. but she said everything in her life is crappy and she dosen't enjoy anything anymore. She also told me she loves me but she's not in love with me. Shw wants to see me and spend time with me but not like she used to yourn for. She also told me she felt she had built up resentment from the past for me not showing her the same love she had shown me and she felt that was one reson we didn't get along. She told me she did not want to break up because she did not know why she felt this way because it would come and go and it is that way for everything in her life. I told her we had to do something because I could not go on feeling this way. After thinking about it all night I can only amagine what she is going through and I now feel selfish. She decide before we left that she would do some soul searching for the next week and let me know what she felt or if she had figured anything out. All I know is I love this woman more than life and I will do whatever it takes to get her back and to be more supportive of her feelings and whats going on in her life. She said she would call me every few days or that this may only last a day and she would be back here in a day. Who knows. I was so depressed I broke down and called her this morning. I felt o bad to goto work. Our conversation was good but weird. I told her we needed to work on our relationship and that we had too much time invested to just give up because w thought it was easier to be alone than together. I need some help on this one. I do not know where to go from here or what to do. I i feel like I wish I would have never started that conversation last night.

[jalexy]

be there for her now and forever, and always do everything you can to show her that you love her. no more of this "that is not me" syndrome.

[wicklunb]

Thanks. You are so right, I am just afraid that I may never have the chance to love her and support her and show her how much she means to me because it could be too late.

[clia]

I am just afraid that I may never have the chance to love her and support her and show her how much she means to me because it could be too late.

 

And what if this does happen? You certainly won't shrivel up and die. Life will go on.

 

Unfortunately, what strikes me the most about your post is how selfish you seemed. Your girlfriend told you she wanted you to be more appreciative of her and you shrugged it off. She wants to spend more time with her family and friends and you start fights with her about it. Her dear grandmother is ill and you complain that you aren't seeing her enough.

 

Did you really not see this coming?

 

I think she is definitely going to need some time to think about things. You did not seem to treat her very well, especially when she was obviously going through a rough time. Maybe this is the test you needed in your relationship--the hard times can really make or break things.

 

As far as what you should do--give her the space she wants. If she is already questioning things (which she clearly is), you must allow her to do so no matter how much it hurts you. Don't think about yourself. Think about her. She wants space. She wants time. Do her a favor and give it to her. If you do not, trust me, you will only drive her further away than she already is.

[wicklunb]

I was clearly selfish. I never tried to be unsupportive. This is definately a test of our love. I will give her space. Should I not call her. I was thinking of calling her once a day to see how she is doing. Is this a bad move?

[jalexy]

Originally posted by wicklunb

Thanks. You are so right, I am just afraid that I may never have the chance to love her and support her and show her how much she means to me because it could be too late.

 

this was what happened to my ex of 2 years. he put off things, just like you did, and i finally said i cant do this anymore, after several instances of me trying to talk to him about it.

you know if you lose her, you will now know what to never do again. NEVER take someone you love for granted. i know you and my ex feel the same way....

[clia]

Should I not call her. I was thinking of calling her once a day to see how she is doing. Is this a bad move?

 

Yes. Remember what she said?

 

She said she would call me every few days or that this may only last a day and she would be back here in a day.

 

SHE will call YOU when she is ready. I'm serious, she is already resentful and hurting. Don't add to it by calling her every day at a time when she just wants to be left alone.

[wicklunb]

Thank you very much. I am open to any and all suggestions that would help me in the event this works out. You know, women know alot more about relationships than men. I remember early in our relationship saying tell me what you want and I will do it, well she told me and I didn't listen. If you give a man enough rope he will hang himself for sure. I truely love this woman.

[wicklunb]

Update:

 

I spoke with my girlfreind this morning and she sounds like she is in better spirits. She said she would call mr latter today and we would get together this weekend but she did not think it was a good idea to see each other before then. I agreed that she had to do what she felt was best. She also said I can call her whenever I want but I figure a quick hello once a day will be sufficient unless she were to call me. She responded to me last night in an email I wrote her and she basically reiterated everything I told you earlier. She's hurt and love's me but not in love with me and not sure if it will come back. She also mentioned that I really hurt her because I told her I could not be her freind if we broke up. The truth is I am not sure how we would work out as freinds but I want her in my life any way I can have her. I will keep you updated and please please give me any thoughts or suggestions. Thanks.

[clia]

but I figure a quick hello once a day will be sufficient unless she were to call me.

 

Too much. Are you listening to me? Are you listening to her?

 

Here:

 

She's hurt and love's me but not in love with me and not sure if it will come back.

 

You are going to drive her away (if you haven't already) by constantly sending her e-mails and calling her. Give her time to miss you. When you are constantly in contact, she never gets that time. Sometimes that little jolt is all people need.

 

Wait for her to call you, and if she does, fine. If not, wait a week or two before contacting her again. Give her space!

[wicklunb]

Thanks, I had never thought about her missing me. I guess I felt like she would think I was losing interest and I know I was afraid she will lose interest. It's so hard to sit back and play the waiting game.

[clia]

By now she knows you are dying to get back with her. You really don't need to tell her anymore. She knows the door is open...whether or not she wants to reenter it is up to her at this point.

 

I'm serious about the missing you thing, too. If you wanted to be really smart about this, you would not see her this weekend. Let her go for a week or two without seeing you, without talking to you. That will clue her in as to what life is like without you. This will help her make the decision. She may not care, and then you are SOL. Or she may, and she may come running back because she misses you.

 

But seriously, clinginess and desperateness is not attractive. It's boring. It lacks dignity. And it drags things out because she doesn't get the space she asked for. Eventually, she could very well just get tired of it all and move on for good.

 

It's so hard to sit back and play the waiting game.

 

Yes it is. Make lots of plans with your friends over the next two weeks to stay busy and keep your mind off it.

[wicklunb]

Thanks, you have been very helpful and opened my eyes to things I never realized. I think the reason I was worried about staying in touch is I don't want her to think I am not trying. What should I do if she calls or emails me?

[wicklunb]

My girlfreind called me twice and emailed me once since my last post a few days ago. She said she loved me and missed me, I was her best freind but that's all she was feeling right now and wasn't sure if that would change. I am able to cope alot better with things now that I was earlier in the week. There has not really been in new developments in the relationship other than she said she definately will see me on Sunday and hopes to have made a decision on our future by then. My question is her putting a time limit on a decision a good thing? I told her to take the time she needs to make the right decision for herself. I have also come to grips with the fact that I beleive she does not want to continue our relationship and to be honest I truely want her to be happy. I also wonder how we could ever be freinds after having a relationship, I mean it seems like a good idea but would it work? I want her in my life and I am realy concerned with what happens to her. Any thoughts on this?

[clia]

My question is her putting a time limit on a decision a good thing?

 

Yes. You are a valuable commodity. By allowing someone to mess with you until the end of time, your market value drops. If she knows she has "forever" to make this decision, what motive does she have to make it at all? If she knows she can always run back to you, what motive does she have to make the decision in a reasonable amount of time?

 

Then again, if you like being in limboland forever, don't set a time limit. I just honestly think it starts to look pathetic...

 

I mean it seems like a good idea but would it work?

 

It can work, but in your situation I think you need at least three months without contact to allow you to move on and get over her. If you continue on as is, best friends, it will be much harder to get over her. Take a few months and then re-establish contact.

[wicklunb]

Thank you. Your suggestions are very helpful. No limboland is a terrible place. I was there once before with my ex-wife. I was thinking at least 2 weeks because all the feelings are so fresh it may give her time to clear her head and think about what she really wants but then again I beleive that she knows in her heart what she wants to do.