Guys: It's Our Fault

[kizik]

Even before the breakup, I was of the mindframe that basically everything that happened to me really happened because of me.

 

That is to say, we are all active participants in our lives and that everything that happens is, in one way or another, our doing or our fault.

 

Of course there are exceptions: getting T-boned at a red light, getting laid off from a failing company, etc. But for the most part, we bring things on ourselves.

 

This is especially true with relationships. I let my ex get away with things that I wouldn't have tolerated from anyone else. I loved her, yes, but I am now understanding that perhaps the biggest motivator was sex.

 

She won't sleep with me if she's mad at me! How do I keep her from being mad at me? Well, I'll just agree with everything she says, everything she does, and generally indulge her brattiness!

 

This went on for years. I feared a pussy-free life and I let her do whatever she wanted, including disrespecting me. This went on until the very end. As a result, I lost any manhood I had assembled before meeting her.

 

Look at society now. We have crossed the point of equal rights. Men are viewed cynically. How many jokes about guys are out there? We're the brunt of neo-female aggression. Reparations for the mistreatment of women in the earlier 20th century have created the PC demasculization of man.

 

Men have become "sensitive, new age" types. (Citing No More Mr. Nice Guy here.) They've done this in an attempt to level the playing field, to make women feel comfortable. To "get in touch with their feminine side."

 

All that that has done is to make women dislike us. They don't want us to be like them. They want us to be the opposite of them. Where do you think the saying "Opposites Attract" came from?

 

So, here we are, a bunch of metrosexual effeminate men who bow our heads to our domineering girlfriends.

 

What the f*ck have we become?

 

It's all our fault that we got dumped, guys. We didn't stick to our principles and we let them walk ALL OVER us out of FEAR. We lost our f*cking balls. We bought into the myth of the modern man. We put the pussy on a pedestal (40 year old virgin, yeah!) and sold ourselves out to the American Dream of the picket fence, blahblahblah.

 

At least I did, anyway. And I'm admitting it and probably offending people. But that's me, and that's who SHE suppressed in me for the last 3 years.

[carhill]

Just so you're aware, it is possible to be emotionally sensitive and open and still have strong traditional male boundaries. It happens all over the world

 

Accept that a lot of women won't be attracted by/to it. Accept that you won't be getting any of that brand of seafood tonight or any night. Accept that those who find you attractive do so for the authentic you, not some societal construct.

 

My best advice is to be who you are. Ignore the din of the feminists and women who would seek to change your intrinsic nature. Such is a sure recipe for self-loathing, IMO.

[kizik]

You're the man, carhill. Keep the sage wisdom coming.

[v33]

I totally understand what you were saying about letting your ex get away with behavior and actions that you would not accept from anyone else. I cannot believe the crap I tolerated from her. And I think I also put up with it because she would occasionally give me sex, which I wanted from her in particular very badly. Really, she had little else to offer me, but I was blinded to the reality of who she is and what we had and had remained focused on the memory of what once was.

 

I know have the word "unacceptable" in my vocabulary and I use it often and with meaning. I give a lot of respect and I expect it in return.

 

I am VERY good to my current GF but she is also VERY good to me. I would not do the things I do for her if I did not feel she was deserving and did not treat me in kind. And I tell you that if my efforts and actions cease to be reciprocated at some point in the future I will not stand for it.

 

No more one-way street in relationships for me, no sir. I wasted a few of my very good years trying to please someone who could not be pleased, nor bothered to try to meet my needs and please me in return and I will NOT let that happen again.

[xclusiive]

i agree with your situation and how we are have big parts in the play of our lives but i do not agree with what you said about women. if we are all responsible for our actions and all have faults then we are all equal. im not saying this im not a feminist type or nything but its true...women get walked on by men alot as well but i admire you sticking up for what you think! i wont judge cuz ive probably said similar things out of anger or hurt or past experience lol.but stay strong and dont let anyopne walk over you cuz im a woman and i no tat we can be very bitchy and we use what we have to get what we want;) but then again evryone does hah..it goes on..and on

[kizik]

Go ahead, please, judge. A big part of the thread is ME not being afraid to be ME and floating some theories, while looking for feedback.

[tanbark813]

I don't really have anything to add other than I agree with the OP.

[carhill]

FWIW, bitchiness is now a red flag and unacceptable to me. This is an extension of the guilt and manipulation clause in my psychological construct. No bitches need apply

 

The issues I've had have resulted from women adopting certain behaviors to deal/succeed with the stereotypical men of the world. I encourage and applaud those women with the awareness and sensitivity to see each human male (yes, men are human) as an individual and not a member of some robot society of sperm donors....

 

Yes, I just thought that up

[ioncebelieved]

K, I sent you a PM on this matter. Great post too!!!

[nopainnogain]

Sometimes I think it was my fault. But if I had stuck to my boundries and not ignored all the deal breakers I would have left her instead of simpin over her. So its my fault for losing my dignity over that beotch.

[ioncebelieved]

Sometimes I think it was my fault. But if I had stuck to my boundries and not ignored all the deal breakers I would have left her instead of simpin over her. So its my fault for losing my dignity over that beotch.

 

Oh all of the deal breakers and boundaries!!!! This entire post may make the women a little uneasy, but proven fact is Women have it easier in the dating world. Especially if they are attractive!!!!

 

No Mr. Nice Guy had a lot of things in it that made me say, WOW!!!!

[carhill]

proven fact is Women have it easier in the dating world. Especially if they are attractive!!!!

The operative question is: Why do we care?

 

Someone always has it easier, gets away with more cr@p, is richer, better looking, gives better head, etc.

 

Forget about them! As opined, they get plenty of attention. They don't need yours (or mine), right?

[nopainnogain]

Great book. Bought it 6 months ago. I need to read it again,and again.

[ioncebelieved]

The operative question is: Why do we care?

 

Someone always has it easier, gets away with more cr@p, is richer, better looking, gives better head, etc.

 

Forget about them! As opined, they get plenty of attention. They don't need yours (or mine), right?

 

Not that I care, but just to make a point. Just goes back to his post that we have slipped as men and when we pick it back up should not apologize for it.

 

There are countless TV shows where women walk all over their husbands and it is accepted and laughed at. I care not to watch TV shows like that because they are ridiculous. Albeit most are comedies, but nonetheless they make men look weak, sappy and just freaking stupid!!!

[kizik]

There are countless TV shows where women walk all over their husbands and it is accepted and laughed at. I care not to watch TV shows like that because they are ridiculous. Albeit most are comedies, but nonetheless they make men look weak, sappy and just freaking stupid!!!

 

This is a GREAT point and it goes back to what I said about men now being the butt of many jokes in our PC world. There's nothing funny about being pussy-whipped. HA!

[ioncebelieved]

Hell no about being whipped!!! I always hated when I was told that! It made me feel less than a man, when I should NOT have to.

 

All I was...was a great guy that bent over backwards for a women I truly loved. I loved her with everything in me and because of my unmoving loved I am paying the penalty for it. I just hope she shares some of the pain that she caused me. I don't mean in sadistic sort of way. I just hope she realizes what she had in me and it hurts she will miss out in the long run.

 

I was a true gentlemen towards her and respected her and her silly situation. I am improving already and K's post has me fired up as a MAN!!!! I was a Great Man to her!

[v33]

See, there is nothing wrong with being a good guy, generous, giving, understanding as long as your principles are not being compromised in the process and it's being reciprocated out of sheer adoration.

 

If my gf has a long day at work, I am the one doing the laundry (don't tell her I kind of enjoy it!), will give her a foot rub, clean the kitchen, whatever. But I tell you this : I do it because she will show me the same consideration without me asking for it. I don't do it so she will like me more, I do it because I like her and she is damn good to me.

[ioncebelieved]

See, there is nothing wrong with being a good guy, generous, giving, understanding as long as your principles are not being compromised in the process and it's being reciprocated out of sheer adoration.

 

If my gf has a long day at work, I am the one doing the laundry (don't tell her I kind of enjoy it!), will give her a foot rub, clean the kitchen, whatever. But I tell you this : I do it because she will show me the same consideration without me asking for it. I don't do it so she will like me more, I do it because I like her and she is damn good to me.

 

Well put!!! That is thing. It is all about reciprocity!

When it becomes 90 percent to 10 that is a huge problem.

 

Relationships should always be 100 to 100 percent!! Even though I am fired up about this great thread, I am NO way a women basher! Respect is everything and a lot of people forget that.

[Darth Vader]

Even before the breakup, I was of the mindframe that basically everything that happened to me really happened because of me.

 

That is to say, we are all active participants in our lives and that everything that happens is, in one way or another, our doing or our fault.

 

Of course there are exceptions: getting T-boned at a red light, getting laid off from a failing company, etc. But for the most part, we bring things on ourselves.

 

This is especially true with relationships. I let my ex get away with things that I wouldn't have tolerated from anyone else. I loved her, yes, but I am now understanding that perhaps the biggest motivator was sex.

 

She won't sleep with me if she's mad at me! How do I keep her from being mad at me? Well, I'll just agree with everything she says, everything she does, and generally indulge her brattiness!

 

This went on for years. I feared a pussy-free life and I let her do whatever she wanted, including disrespecting me. This went on until the very end. As a result, I lost any manhood I had assembled before meeting her.

 

Look at society now. We have crossed the point of equal rights. Men are viewed cynically. How many jokes about guys are out there? We're the brunt of neo-female aggression. Reparations for the mistreatment of women in the earlier 20th century have created the PC demasculization of man.

 

Men have become "sensitive, new age" types. (Citing No More Mr. Nice Guy here.) They've done this in an attempt to level the playing field, to make women feel comfortable. To "get in touch with their feminine side."

 

All that that has done is to make women dislike us. They don't want us to be like them. They want us to be the opposite of them. Where do you think the saying "Opposites Attract" came from?

 

So, here we are, a bunch of metrosexual effeminate men who bow our heads to our domineering girlfriends.

 

What the f*ck have we become?

 

It's all our fault that we got dumped, guys. We didn't stick to our principles and we let them walk ALL OVER us out of FEAR. We lost our f*cking balls. We bought into the myth of the modern man. We put the pussy on a pedestal (40 year old virgin, yeah!) and sold ourselves out to the American Dream of the picket fence, blahblahblah.

 

At least I did, anyway. And I'm admitting it and probably offending people. But that's me, and that's who SHE suppressed in me for the last 3 years.

 

 

To think, all of this and more, and it's all payed for using our own tax dollars against us to do it!

 

As far as THOSE sitcoms go, as well as society, notice that a MAN can NEVER get angry at a woman, or because of a woman, but, nothing's ever said when it's vice versa!?

[Touche]

Well put!!! That is thing. It is all about reciprocity!

When it becomes 90 percent to 10 that is a huge problem.

 

Relationships should always be 100 to 100 percent!! Even though I am fired up about this great thread, I am NO way a women basher! Respect is everything and a lot of people forget that.

 

Exactly. And if it doesn't work BOTH ways, it's doomed to failure.

 

No one...male or female should be anyone's doormat.

 

As a woman, I feel equally bad for a man I see being taken advantage of as I do for a woman being treated that way.

 

And as for the OP and what men have "become" well yeah..maybe some. Certainly not all.

 

Sounds to me like you just made a really bad choice in a girlfriend. You could have acted the exact same way with a good woman and not been walked all over.

[LakesideDream]

One facet of this post that I absolutely agree with is the current (last 10 years) trend in broadcast media to downgrade, humiliate, and marginalize men. I began becomming uncomfortable with it shortly after it started.

 

I refuse to patronize any company who places commercials that depict males in general as innefectual or intellectually defective. I obviously choose not to watch any television program who does it. Sitcoms that portray men as buffons while cannonizing women are not funny. Why bother watching?

 

I wouldn't watch a program that did the above to women either. Yes it does limit what's available on Television... fortunately, 250 Dish channels solves the problem neatly.

 

Ditto the women who attempt to make their "Television Reality" the model for every day life. I see it almost everyday. There is a common trend toward women in general talking down, or dismissing men in general. It's not necessary to put myself into positions where that can happen. I'm a "big boy" and I can avoid people and situations where I am not respected.

[kizik]

Sounds to me like you just made a really bad choice in a girlfriend. You could have acted the exact same way with a good woman and not been walked all over.

 

That is good to hear. I haven't been able to talk to anyone who knows both of us, unfortunately. But my guess is that her parents knew what I was dealing with. They actually expressed pity (in a facetious but revealing way) for me for being the one dating her.

 

As far as "choosing" her... my mistake was always being available. I was her fall-back guy. I'm talking for a period of about three years. She always knew she could have me. It's so f*cking pathetic.

 

Anyway, this is not a woman-bashing thread at all (IOB), it is a thread bemoaning the kind of guy who sacrifices all of himself in order to please a woman. The kind of guy who gradually loses his masculinity and individuality over time as he becomes like a loyal dog to his girlfriend.

 

I hated being that pussy-whipped, no-personality bitch. And I'm not anymore, and it feels good. But the fact is that, like anything in life, the breakup was MY FAULT because I never addressed my opinions and needs in the R. And for that, I sit broken-hearted, though in many ways it was my own heart I broke because of my passivity.

[Touche]

I hear you, Kizik. And I admire you for "owning it" and being accountable for your actions that led to your heartache.

 

Many on here know my own history. I was a complete doormat with my ex. I put up with a lot.

 

After that, I was like you. I said "NEVER again!"

 

And I met a good man who didn't walk all over me. Funny that he was walked all over in HIS previous relationship.

 

We were lucky to have found each other. We each give 100% to the other.

 

I can only wish for you the same.

 

Just don't get hard or bitter. Stay the good guy, you seem to be. But yeah, don't ever let anyone take you for granted or walk all over you. If they do, say "there's the door!"

[kizik]

And I met a good man who didn't walk all over me. Funny that he was walked all over in HIS previous relationship.

 

We were lucky to have found each other. We each give 100% to the other.

 

This is how my R with the ex started. This is how they all start.

 

You see, the most confusing, self-defeating part is this: it's always good at first. It was good for about a year and a half for me.

 

With some time, she revealed herself to me. Revealed herself to be very angry, unforgiving, picky, mean and critical.

 

When people hide their true colors... all bets are off.

[Touche]

This is how my R with the ex started. This is how they all start.

 

You see, the most confusing, self-defeating part is this: it's always good at first. It was good for about a year and a half for me.

 

With some time, she revealed herself to me. Revealed herself to be very angry, unforgiving, picky, mean and critical.

 

When people hide their true colors... all bets are off.

 

I don't believe it for a minute. I don't. You had signs. I know you did. Think about it.

 

No way was it good for that long and then suddenly she became this other person.

 

No. Really think about it. The signs are always there from very early on. I bet you I can get you to think of those early days and you'd see a pattern developing.

 

You were just too blind to see.