White Flower Posted July 26, 2008 Share Posted July 26, 2008 Wow, such an educational thread.... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 26, 2008 Author Share Posted July 26, 2008 Wow, such an educational thread.... Hey, it's Saturday... just having a little fun Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 Hi stampdaddy, I didn't read most of the posts, just your first one, where you say you know it is just an affair. Well, recognizing it is the first step. People can point it out and give you advice for allllll this time but it only depends on when you are going to see it for yourself and take some action to stay away from this messed up situation for good. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
NoIDidn't Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 Stamp I never really know how anything that I might post could help you, so I don't really respond. Your story shows me that even the single guy involved with the MP has feelings and is not just in it for sex. I hope you are healing. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 I am a big boy, but honestly, I am SO far away from being able to do that. Just the other night I was out at a Sushi Bar, and this very attractive woman came in and wasnt wearing a ring.. She kept looking over at me and smiling. She asked the bartender girl if she knew who I was. Anyway, I "imagined" starting the conversation, talking, getting to know eachother a little but, exchanging numbers and all of that.. I thought I was going to throw up... And the next day, I felt like I was disloyal... F***ed up, I know, BUT that is my reality right now... She left me a couple of long voicemails (because I hung up on her yesterday) admitting that she had thought that the Divorce was coming any day, because if you remember, H came down the stairs one day about a month and a half ago and said it was, that he'd be home that night with a "plan" and it would be quick.. Well, nothing since.. So NOW she has been thinking WTF? "I thought is was about to happen and I feel "stuck"." I have told her about certain "patterns" I have seen here on LS, that usually around 3 years, the H finally says ENOUGH.. She mentioned that in her voicemail, and can't see 3 years of this life.. WIth all of that being said, I promise you all, I WILL NOT LET THAT EFFECT MY DISMANTLING of this affair I understand...you'll be in hibernation for a while before you're open to another person, even in a casual way. You're hurt, and it will take a while to heal from that, and you're not yet thinking clearly yet because, yeah, feeling disloyal for noticing that a woman is smiling at you is f*cked up. Time will help with changing your perspective. Which is why I wish you'd choose NC and stick to it. Each contact just sets you back a little bit, because the communication keeps the pain and hope fresh. It's a good step that you hung up on her, but listening to her wishy-washy voice mails wasn't helpful. Did you consider deleting them without listening? I mean, you do know by now that she won't be calling to tell you the divorce is filed, right? So why torture yourself listening to her yadda yadda, probably with heart pounding and baited breath, hoping she's going to say what you want to hear...only to be disappointed again when she makes it all about HER and how stuck SHE feels... She's not out of your life yet. You have to let her go, you really do! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 SD my friend... When are you REALLY going to go completely NC with her? You're not going to truly heal until this happens. That's why you're still at where you're at, my friend. Link to post Share on other sites
pollywag Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I understand...you'll be in hibernation for a while before you're open to another person, even in a casual way. You're hurt, and it will take a while to heal from that, and you're not yet thinking clearly yet because, yeah, feeling disloyal for noticing that a woman is smiling at you is f*cked up. Time will help with changing your perspective. Which is why I wish you'd choose NC and stick to it. Each contact just sets you back a little bit, because the communication keeps the pain and hope fresh. It's a good step that you hung up on her, but listening to her wishy-washy voice mails wasn't helpful. Did you consider deleting them without listening? I mean, you do know by now that she won't be calling to tell you the divorce is filed, right? So why torture yourself listening to her yadda yadda, probably with heart pounding and baited breath, hoping she's going to say what you want to hear...only to be disappointed again when she makes it all about HER and how stuck SHE feels... She's not out of your life yet. You have to let her go, you really do! I agree. Please listen to this, Norajane has offered you the best words. Norajane you really do offer great words of wisdom. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 SD my friend...have you decided to make any changes in your life so that NC is truly in place? Link to post Share on other sites
Chinook Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Stampdaddy, I read your initial post and some of the subsequent ones. I'm afraid it seems you're kinda half healing and half still hoping. You'll get there eventually. But it might be a long road for you. Let me explain how this relates to me. Five years ago (after ending a previous LTR due to other issues). I became involved with someone I thought the sun shone out of his behind. After a long period of friendship and a month of intense dating, I discovered he was married with two children. At that point, I let him go. I had to. The similarity with your situation was he said all those precious things to me "I love you" and "I want to be with you" and "I can't live without you" and well, etc etc etc. You notice anything in those words...? "I" is mentioned a lot. In the initial stages of the "breakup" I went completely NC. I changed my numbers, I deleted every single avenue of contact I could possibly think of. But still, I knew what he had said. I knew how he had (supposedly) felt. I thought I was different, special. I could only hope things would change and he'd come and get me and it'd work out. Sadly, that didn't happen. You're right when you say she WILL leave, but I'm sorry to say, it won't be for you. Ever. The guy I became involved with, did eventually leave his W&F for a girl 16 years his junior. She is/was very young and as I understand it, he's very happy now. At that point when this was relayed to me by an unwitting 3rd party, all these years later, I realised I'd spent a long time hoping and thinking things would change because I had thought/hoped I was different. They never did change because I was just an affair. Just an aside. The sad thing is, I was never given the choice to start with to get into it - he'd lied and cheated to two people. Stampdaddy, the sad fact is... she's not going to change where she is or how she is with you, no matter what words come out of her mouth. I'm only grateful that I actually had the foresight to cut the guy out of my life completely after what he did. He lied to me. He lied to his wife. For me it was dead in the water - didn't stop me hoping it was different, but it sure helped me take the rose-coloured specs off, just like you are doing now. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 SD my friend...have you decided to make any changes in your life so that NC is truly in place? I might move to NC Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I've lived there...stay away from the Cottonmouths and Copperheads, and you'll have a good time! You know what I mean, man! :) Are you at a point where you want to make the changes so that things finally change (for the better)? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 I've lived there...stay away from the Cottonmouths and Copperheads, and you'll have a good time! You know what I mean, man! :) Are you at a point where you want to make the changes so that things finally change (for the better)? I dont know where I am at anymore Link to post Share on other sites
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Invest in a good compass (or GPS system) Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 i dont know where i am at anymore ((sd)) .... Link to post Share on other sites
bentnotbroken Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 You are on the road to recovery. It is a lonely road, bumpy, not well lite, lots of pot holes and hills. There are rocks that cost you to stumble and a pebble will get in your show. But the road leads to your full recovery, to the place you are supposed to be. To the place that have only the blessings for Stamp there. Don't stop walking. Link to post Share on other sites
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I might move to NC Better NC than SD (nyuk nyuk) Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I dont know where I am at anymore There it is dark before the light Sdiddy, some nights seem to go on for ever but nothing is forever in this world. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 OK, let me ask this question: why would a MW like mine, who after a year after being "discovered" and going through NC with me all of the sudden want more contact (which adds extreme risk)? WHY? Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 OK, let me ask this question: why would a MW like mine, who after a year after being "discovered" and going through NC with me all of the sudden want more contact (which adds extreme risk)? WHY? Simple...she's been using you all this time to meet SOME of her emotional needs. She's denied her H the opportunity to meet them...and is still doing so now, even after "trying" with him. So she comes to you so that you'll make her feel better. She's used you in the past to do so, and she's confidant that you'll ALWAYS be there for her. And she's willing to use any lies/promises/whatever to convince you to do so. At the end of the day...what has changed in the last year? Has she left him? Has she made a choice? Has she taken any real action to resolve the situation? Are you married to her? Engaged? Are you feeling more loved by her right now, or less? Granted...she's not feeling "better" right now..but honestly, I think she's just doing the same thing soooo many WS's do. She's hoping that this will "blow over"...and the status quo resumes, and she goes back to her life of having BOTH of you. Realistic? HECK NO. But the more you've been here and read about "affair fog"...does that continue to surprise you? Link to post Share on other sites
Terminator Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 OK, let me ask this question: why would a MW like mine, who after a year after being "discovered" and going through NC with me all of the sudden want more contact (which adds extreme risk)? WHY? It adds "extreme risk" of what exactly? I've read a few of your threads and so far in all this her H hasn't really DONE anything, has he? Why would this new revelation that she is attempting to engage you again after NC be any different? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I have been giving this some thought and the thing is, nothing WOULD change if she did get found again by her H, he is clearly not going to leave her, so she does it because she knows she can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 It adds "extreme risk" of what exactly? I've read a few of your threads and so far in all this her H hasn't really DONE anything, has he? Why would this new revelation that she is attempting to engage you again after NC be any different? I think it would be the final straw.. BUT, you are right.. all of the "threats" havent been fulfilled, have they? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I have been giving this some thought and the thing is, nothing WOULD change if she did get found again by her H, he is clearly not going to leave her, so she does it because she knows she can. I agree with you 100% here. I think it would be the final straw.. BUT, you are right.. all of the "threats" havent been fulfilled, have they? Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on where his frame of mind is, and how strongly he feels about keeping his family under one roof. So far, he hasn't budged and neither has she. I'm sure she's had plenty of opportunities to take the bull by the horns, yet she hasn't.. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Agreed that her H hasn't taken any further action. But then again, when was the last time she was physically with SD? Where is this affair going right now? Where is his wife at, when you get right down to it? He may have a game plan. She's not spending her time with SD. She's no longer carrying on the physical aspect, and the communication now between SD and her is a trickle compared to what it used to be. Instead of pushing her (and potentially pushing her OUT)...he may be winning a war of attrition. Working to fix things at home as best as he can, enforce NC as best as he can, and give her time to let reality sink in. Lets face it...many of the 'plans' for recovering a marriage from an affair follow a similar tactic. Make the homelife and marriage MORE attractive...and make the affair LESS attractive. And let's face it...it doesn't sound like a heck of a lot of fun anymore for her OR SD. The H might be playing it smart here. Or he may be a congenital idiot and I'm guessing! Just something to think about though. If your tactic appears to be having the long term affect you want it to...why change it? Link to post Share on other sites
Lookingforward Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 But it seems that the exMW has the perennial problem with her M & H of "too bad to stay, but too good to leave" doesn't it? Just a shame it took so long for stamp to figure that out (almost). SD, you asked why she's still contacting you, maybe it's just a case of a cake eater that simply can't comprehend that sometimes you don't get to have what you want just because you want it that way. Link to post Share on other sites
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