Author stampdaddy Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 It seems that things are getting close, and that the "threat" had subsided.. But now, it is just a metter of time.. That they BOTH know this and it's about to unravel Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I'm not sure I understand what you're trying to say, SD. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Me too!!! ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted July 31, 2008 Author Share Posted July 31, 2008 I am saying that she has been all over me.. She wanted NC after H came down the stairs one day and said a Divorce was looming.. and then nothing since (a month and half ago).. So now that all has calmed down a little she is contacting me 8 times a day.. BUT WHY??? I have been saying to her EXACTLY what you guys are telling me, that "the affair will continue" BUT I DONT WANT THAT! "that she is a cakeeater", and she says that she's not.. That things ARE happening over there.. But WTF???? Why add so much more risk.. Sh*t, he freaked over a damn football over the weekend.. He asks her "where have you been??" etc... Sorry about the rant but damn it!! Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 This is going to keep happening until YOU put a stop to it, my friend. Its all about boundaries, and what YOU are willing to accept in your life. It doesn't matter what she SAYS...what matters is what she DOES. Where is she living after this all came out? Who is she keeping in her life...you, or him? (Clearly the answer is BOTH). As I've said in the past...I'm waiting for the day you can come here and say "Its DONE!". Link to post Share on other sites
Dark-N-Romantic Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 This is going to keep happening until YOU put a stop to it, my friend. Its all about boundaries, and what YOU are willing to accept in your life. It doesn't matter what she SAYS...what matters is what she DOES. Where is she living after this all came out? Who is she keeping in her life...you, or him? (Clearly the answer is BOTH). As I've said in the past...I'm waiting for the day you can come here and say "Its DONE!". Owl, those who engage in affairs already know this. So, after a while I stop trying to give advice because it has just turned to talking. He knows he should stop. He knows he is wrong for doing what he is doing. It is just a matter of when is he going to gain a conscious and morals. I mean I am sure his parents and others have taught him better than this. DNR Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Well she is buying time THAT'S for certain, but why only she knows. What do you feel? What do you think she is doing SD? What is your gut telling you? Why do you think she is doing what she is doing? Ok so you say you tell her what you feel and she says things are happening so then specifically "WHAT" is happening SD? You have to get some direct and straight answers from her. If she says "things are happening over here" you need to get her to quantify that response for you in factual terms. What is "things are happening"? None of this abstract nonsense, if she cannot answer that in specific terms there is your answer right there. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 Well she is buying time THAT'S for certain, but why only she knows. What do you feel? What do you think she is doing SD? What is your gut telling you? Why do you think she is doing what she is doing? Ok so you say you tell her what you feel and she says things are happening so then specifically "WHAT" is happening SD? You have to get some direct and straight answers from her. If she says "things are happening over here" you need to get her to quantify that response for you in factual terms. What is "things are happening"? None of this abstract nonsense, if she cannot answer that in specific terms there is your answer right there. Yeah, she would have told him flat-out if it was something he could work with. My xMM tried that crap, but when backed into a corner full of my rebuttals, he gave up the game. Bottom line: action speaks louder than words. He could have told me what I wanted to hear until the cows came home, but he wasn't coming home to me... Link to post Share on other sites
Terminator Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 I am saying that she has been all over me.. She wanted NC after H came down the stairs one day and said a Divorce was looming.. and then nothing since (a month and half ago).. So now that all has calmed down a little she is contacting me 8 times a day.. BUT WHY??? I have been saying to her EXACTLY what you guys are telling me, that "the affair will continue" BUT I DONT WANT THAT! "that she is a cakeeater", and she says that she's not.. That things ARE happening over there.. But WTF???? Why add so much more risk.. Sh*t, he freaked over a damn football over the weekend.. He asks her "where have you been??" etc... Sorry about the rant but damn it!! Can I ask you a direct question, Sd? Seriously Do you really WANT a woman who can vacillate this much? Who can cause YOU (who she supposedly loves) THIS much pain and anguish? Who seems unABLE to "do the right thing" for anyone concerned? and even if you ended up together, do you honestly think you can forgive and forget the wringer she has put you through this last year? Don't you think that perhaps that may subtly at least change the way you feel about the R? Are you WILLING to settle for a woman that can't make the decision for herself but will ONLY be with you if her H does bite the bullet and kick her to the curb? Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted July 31, 2008 Share Posted July 31, 2008 My xMM tried that crap, but when backed into a corner full of my rebuttals, he gave up the game. Exactly as mine, hence he "needed time to be alone to sort things out in his head ONLY to find out 2 months later the bstard had moved back home with his W. Conflict avoidance to the max, cowardly and incapable of making a decision on his own for his extreme fear of failure. Can I ask you a direct question, Sd? Seriously Do you really WANT a woman who can vacillate this much? Who can cause YOU (who she supposedly loves) THIS much pain and anguish? Who seems unABLE to "do the right thing" for anyone concerned? and even if you ended up together, do you honestly think you can forgive and forget the wringer she has put you through this last year? Don't you think that perhaps that may subtly at least change the way you feel about the R? Are you WILLING to settle for a woman that can't make the decision for herself but will ONLY be with you if her H does bite the bullet and kick her to the curb? Exactly what I have been going through, how DO you forget what they put you through even if they show up at your doorstep (like mine did now after all is said and done ready to give me his all) when you have seen all these other really poor tendencies in him? I was so scared of reaching that point of feeling like I would not want it anymore, and that is exactly what happened. I DON't want him anymore. His coming back to me, his going through with the D was good for me in order to assess that he did indeed want out, that our whole relationship wasn't a complete farse, I know he loves me I never doubted that but do I want a future with this man after what I lived? not so much, not after everything he put me through. Once you reach this clear realisation there IS no turning back, a year ago I was petrified of being at this point. Today I want nothing but where I am at. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 So now that all has calmed down a little she is contacting me 8 times a day.. BUT WHY??? Because things got 'safe' again and she has been so used to having you in her life, she cannot do NC. I have been saying to her EXACTLY what you guys are telling me, that "the affair will continue" BUT I DONT WANT THAT! "that she is a cakeeater", and she says that she's not.. That things ARE happening over there.. But WTF???? Why add so much more risk.. If you don't want that, then you need to do the NC. It's the only answer, otherwise the contact will continue. The affair is over in one sense, but in her mind, it isn't. She knows she can reach out to you, and you'll pick up. She knows you're there for her in a sense, like her safety-net. If you wanted to be the OM again, she WOULD jump right back in and things would pick up where they left off. I know that isn't what you want..So, right now you have the power. The ball is in your court. Well she is buying time THAT'S for certain, but why only she knows. What do you feel? What do you think she is doing SD? What is your gut telling you? Why do you think she is doing what she is doing? Ok so you say you tell her what you feel and she says things are happening so then specifically "WHAT" is happening SD? You have to get some direct and straight answers from her. If she says "things are happening over here" you need to get her to quantify that response for you in factual terms. What is "things are happening"? None of this abstract nonsense, if she cannot answer that in specific terms there is your answer right there. TC is right. Link to post Share on other sites
Tomcat33 Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Because things got 'safe' again and she has been so used to having you in her life, she cannot do NC. And that's a good thing either way because if SD sticks to his guns it will force her to take a TRUE stance either way. If you don't want that, then you need to do the NC. It's the only answer, otherwise the contact will continue. The affair is over in one sense, but in her mind, it isn't. She knows she can reach out to you, and you'll pick up. She knows you're there for her in a sense, like her safety-net. If you wanted to be the OM again, she WOULD jump right back in and things would pick up where they left off. Couldn't agree more. And not only in her mind, in actions as well, having the safety blanket is promising in that if she persists and he keeps caving nothing changes. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 And that's a good thing either way because if SD sticks to his guns it will force her to take a TRUE stance either way. Yup. Couldn't agree more. And not only in her mind, in actions as well, having the safety blanket is promising in that if she persists and he keeps caving nothing changes. I think this is very true - And through all this, that bit of contact for her, settles her nerves, like she's getting her fix so she can continue to do nothing, keep things as they are. I was so scared of reaching that point of feeling like I would not want it anymore, and that is exactly what happened. I DON't want him anymore. His coming back to me, his going through with the D was good for me in order to assess that he did indeed want out, that our whole relationship wasn't a complete farse, I know he loves me I never doubted that but do I want a future with this man after what I lived? not so much, not after everything he put me through. Once you reach this clear realisation there IS no turning back, a year ago I was petrified of being at this point. Today I want nothing but where I am at. I'm sure that sucked for you, and for SD's situation I can see this happening. So much pain, dealing with things the wrong way, resentment and more pain building up to the point where you can't take it anymore. There IS a point of no return...Like the old saying "Once you leave home, you can't go back again." If a MM or MW is going to leave their marriage, their actions WILL match their words. In GEL's situation, her MM did follow through and with that being said (as far as I know of) he didn't give her the run around for a long time so that pain, resentment and frustration didn't build up and ruin their future together. Link to post Share on other sites
norajane Posted August 2, 2008 Share Posted August 2, 2008 I am saying that she has been all over me.. She wanted NC after H came down the stairs one day and said a Divorce was looming.. and then nothing since (a month and half ago).. So now that all has calmed down a little she is contacting me 8 times a day.. BUT WHY??? I have been saying to her EXACTLY what you guys are telling me, that "the affair will continue" BUT I DONT WANT THAT! "that she is a cakeeater", and she says that she's not.. That things ARE happening over there.. But WTF???? Why add so much more risk.. Sh*t, he freaked over a damn football over the weekend.. He asks her "where have you been??" etc... Sorry about the rant but damn it!! What risk? What's the worst that could happen if you two continue to communicate and her H finds out? Divorce? Divorce is what she wants...isn't that what she's telling you? Or is the risk that hubby will finally divorce her, but she loses the dignified exit she says she wants? Too late for that...she's already lost all shreds of dignity. I think ALL the risk is on your side. You are risking your own peace of mind and ability to let her go and move on every time she calls you. 8 times a day your phone rings, and 8 times a day you sink deeper and deeper into your hope that she will leave her husband and run to you. Cut her off. Force her to live without you as her back-up. Force her to live with her choice to stay with her husband without you waiting in the wings. If she changes her mind and leaves him and comes to you, then you have what you want, I guess. If she maintains her current course to stay with her H, then you will be further along in living your life rather than hanging in limbo, tethered to her every word. Do it, stamp. Cut her off. Try it. Try something different. Because what you're doing ISN'T making you happy. Link to post Share on other sites
nadiaj2727 Posted August 3, 2008 Share Posted August 3, 2008 I agree with Owl and norajane, as always the voices of reasons. My god stampdaddy why you put up with this crap is beyond my reasoning capabilities. But YOU put up with it, you allow her in your life, therefore, I have little sympathy for you. Just walk away and find a better life, away from her. Or else, aren't you just enabling her behavior??? Food for thought... if you choose to think about it... Link to post Share on other sites
Author stampdaddy Posted August 3, 2008 Author Share Posted August 3, 2008 I agree with Owl and norajane, as always the voices of reasons. My god stampdaddy why you put up with this crap is beyond my reasoning capabilities. But YOU put up with it, you allow her in your life, therefore, I have little sympathy for you. Just walk away and find a better life, away from her. Or else, aren't you just enabling her behavior??? Food for thought... if you choose to think about it... Oh believe me, I AM thinking about EVERYTHING... It is time... Link to post Share on other sites
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