I'm a commitment phobe

[CommitmentPhobe]

I can't committ

 

I'm 33. My first girlfriend broke up with me when I was 18. She came back to me. Then I dumped her.

 

Since then I've had strings of relationships. Nearly all last less than 3 months, the longest 2 years when we moved in together. The deciding factor is that I broke up with all of them.

 

I like being close to someone, I like having a relationship, I just don't seem to be able to find someone that makes me want to put the effort into making it work over the long term and it's not getting any easier for me.

 

There's a lot of factors involved. It seems sometimes I am beating women off with a stick and I don't know why that happens when I get in that zone. I don't like it, quite a few get bitchy with me if I won't give them attention. The other thing is most of the time I get asked out first and don't have to do much chasing.

 

And then when I get into something there always seems to be these expectations about the future. My job is highly lucrative and takes me around the world. I keep moving around taking different contracts. Plus I have a lot of activities, I am a successful musician and sportsman. I have no definite goal because there are so many things I want to do and I tend to go with the flow rather than make rigid plans. I find rigid plans are usually bs because the world goes so fast.

 

I don't really know if this is going to get easier, I sometimes wish I was a simple guy. I'm starting to see myself alone when I hit my 40s because I just can't see myself settling with someone. And what's really annoying is that often when I break up with someone they leave me emotiionally scarred, being vitriolic, and giving me some psychoanalysis to try and bring me down, telling me I'm too fussy and this and that but all I did was break up with them. It just seems everyone wants my time and I have too much choice.

[elaina]

Hello, I have some just generalized questions for you please...

 

Is your committment phobe because you are scared of a longterm commitment, scared of getting hurt?

 

Or do you not want to feel "tied down" to any one woman?

 

Or is it cause you think there will be a better one coming along later and you want to be available?

 

Or is it cause you have never really truly loved a woman?

 

This commitment phobe thing really makes me curious as to why...

 

Do you think it would be good to write a list as to the specific qualities you are looking for and then gear your interest towards a person who you know has everything on the list?

 

Just curious...

[CommitmentPhobe]

I have truly loved a woman, we moved in together, we broke up. She didn't want children in the long run - I decided I did so I finished with her. We are still friends, but I did learn from that relationship to get aspirations sorted out early on. Plus early on when we started out she didn't know whether she wanted them or not and it only clicked with me later on when I went through a painful breakup that this sort of stuff has to be ironed out at the early stages of a relationship and not when you're deep into it.

 

I'm not afraid of getting hurt in particular, I guess part of it is my current career instability. I am employed on short term contracts at the moment and until I get tenureship at a University that won't change and I don't know where I'll be or even which country I'll be in. It will be at least a couple of years till that happens. I've come a long way with that, I've gone through the PhD process which was tough and im not prepared to quit here.

 

So quality 1 they'd have to understand my career path and how tough it is. I do know some people that balance off a relationship with this career path so I know it is possible.

 

The other problem is the economic state of the UK which is scaring the hell out of me right now. House prices are ridiculous, everything is expensive (hence I don't know what country im going to because I'm not prepared to get into lots of debt for a 1 bed flat). I don't feel this is a good place to bring up children right now.

 

So quality 2. They'd have to understand that too and be open about finding a better place to live life. I don't meet many women that think about economics

 

I think it's difficult to meet someone with those sorts of aspirations and who could put up with that. I think this is part of the reason I've broken up with women and had easy come easy go relationships. They've bought into settling into the UK and going with the flow of mortgaging up to the hilt, and while I've been plugging away at my PhD and getting my career up and running I've known that if I go any deeper into that relationship then something is going to have to suffer later on. Like I say I don't even know which country I am going to right now, so barring all other qualities which are important I don't see myself getting into anything serious, I can't seem to meet women like this and it's probably that my demands are quite high

[elaina]

Ahh, so it is because you aren't ready yet? I think that's cool that you are wanting to know where you want to be first. That's not so much commitment phobia then in my opinion... and I think when you are where you want to be, then you will meet the right woman for you, yeah? That's cool.

 

I'm sorry about the woman you loved and the kids question. Yeah that's important to know about those important life decisions around the beginning of a relationship.

 

Many guys like to date short term until they are ready for a long term commitment, and it's interesting how the women they date short-term are different then the women they decide they want to marry. Is that in your case as well?

 

Peace

[CommitmentPhobe]

Thanks I'm not sure because I haven't met the woman I want to marry yet!

 

They have been really lovely women though, highly educated, hard working, nice, stable, I would be lucky to settle down with any one of them! I hope they're not too different!