I confessed to my husband i had an affair

[astra77]

So i did it - it bit the bullet and told my H everything. He did suspect me after all.

 

He reacted very calmly - which is a little scary. He admitted we had a F**cked up point in our marriage, but i was his W and he still loves me.

 

Of course this blew me away as i was expecting him to leave.

 

Now my problem is i dont know if i want to try and work things out as I still love my xmm. I thought that by confessing to my H that i would realease my feelings for xmm, like that by coming clean i would set my feelings for xmm free from my mind - IT DIDNT WORK.

 

I txt xmm and told him i told my H coz i cant handle the situation i find myself in - WHY DID I DO THAT ??????????? WHAT A F**CKEN WANKER I AM. Why did i do that. Of course there was no reply. F**ck me i am crazy

 

I think at this stage - H only found out everything last night - H wants to stay married, he told me he could deal with this only once, and never again. I truely have NO intention of having an A again, but how do i know that working on my M is the right thing - regardless of OM. H wont do C at this stage, he wants no1 else to know.

 

Please help IM GOING MAD

[whichwayisup]

I commend you for coming clean and telling your husband. His reaction surprised you, he was calm and all, says he still loves you and wants to fix things - He does mean that - But, his anger will come...So will his pain and feelings of betrayal. When that happens, you need to be patient and let him feel however he feels, don't try to make it better for him.

 

You need counselling on your own before you dive in to fix your marriage and do marriage counselling. The feelings you have for the OM need to disappear so they won't interfer when you do work on your marriage.

[whichwayisup]

H wont do C at this stage, he wants no1 else to know.

 

OK, he says that now - Give him time. But, you need to go on your own so you can deal with the loss of the OM, deal with letting go and refocussing that energy on your husband.

 

Please stay in NC mode with the OM. Don't contact him anymore and if contacts you, tell him that you have to focus on your marriage now and never to email, call or try to see you ever again.

[Art_Critic]

So i did it - it bit the bullet and told my H everything.

 

 

Now my problem is i dont know if i want to try and work things out as I still love my xmm.

 

Looks like you forgot to tell your husband something after all ... Maybe you should tell your husband everything

 

I think you need to keep things in perspective..

Staying with the xmm will lead to NOWHERE as staying with your husband at this point can lead to a better marriage

[norajane]

I txt xmm and told him i told my H coz i cant handle the situation i find myself in - WHY DID I DO THAT ??????????? WHAT A F**CKEN WANKER I AM. Why did i do that. Of course there was no reply. F**ck me i am crazy

 

I truely have NO intention of having an A again,

 

These two statements are in conflict. You say you have no intention of having an A again, but you texted the MM to tell him that you told your husband and you claim you don't know why you texted him.

 

If you don't know why you texted, it's not much of a stretch to find yourself saying some time later, "I don't know why I started the affair with MM again! I'm such a wanker!"

 

But I think, deep down, you know why you texted him. You did it because you are open to seeing him and were thinking maybe your change in status would get MM thinking he should contact you.

 

I agree with whichway. Get some individual counseling for yourself to figure out what is important to you, why you are torn between your feelings for MM and whether you really want to stay with your husband.

 

I also agree that it's very likely your H's reactions will vacillate over the next few months. Right now, he's a little numb, a little in shock even though he suspected. Once the truth sinks in, and if he doesn't see that you are remorseful, or if he sees you pining away for MM, it's likely he will get angry and will talk divorce. Or he will become resentful and you will both be miserable. And eventually, he may get over it. Or not. I'm just saying he will be riding a roller coaster of emotions for a while, and how he deals with them may not be how he is dealing with it right now.

[bentnotbroken]

You took a huge step in the right direction by telling your H about the A, now tell him the rest of it, that you still love xmm. He deserves to know that he will be fighting an uphill battle to salvage your marriage. Let him decide if that is what he really wants to do.

 

Then go to individual counseling. You need to find out what is broken in you that allowed you to get involved with someone else's H and to disrespect your H and yourself.

 

You H may even decide to go to counseling if you tell him that you still love xmm. Your H pride is hurt, he doesn't want people to look at him with pity or to think that he did something to make you cheat(you know society always says the spouse must have done/or not done something to make the other cheat, bullsh%t)our choices all belong to us, not our partners.

 

So if you are serious about moving forward(with/or without your H) you need to get all the help that is out there and move in a healthy direction. Not chasing the xmm.

[whateverwillbe]

Don't lie to yourself, because of what is right or wrong. Don't waste your years or your H's years trying to make a marriage work, when you don't really have it in you to do.

 

There must be some reason you don't want your marriage to work, thus the affair.

 

You told your OM, just like another poster said, to get a reaction you were hoping for. It didn't happen. Move on. Your H may forgive you but he will never forget. So unless you truly love your H and are truly sorry for hurting him and do not want the other man, leave your H and move on from both men. Do you think you H deserves to be with someone who does not love him enough to commit to him fully? You say you do, but then you txt'd the xmm.

 

I am not saying this stuff out of trying to be mean, only to make you think of what you are really doing. I understand you more than you probably think.

[whateverwillbe]

I decided to add: that if you do truly love your husband and want to make a complete commitment to him and only him, go to counseling and do whatever it takes to make it up to him. You can have a wonderful marriage if you both work at it, but you both must want it.

[Curmudgeon]

Now my problem is i dont know if i want to try and work things out as I still love my xmm.

 

Do the right thing and cut your husband loose so he can eventually find someone who deserves him and can and will remain faithfu to him.

 

That isn't you, obviously!

[Darth Vader]

I think at this stage - H only found out everything last night - H wants to stay married, he told me he could deal with this only once, and never again. I truely have NO intention of having an A again, but how do i know that working on my M is the right thing - regardless of OM. H wont do C at this stage, he wants no1 else to know.

 

So he says, so he thinks he can deal with this. I wouldn't be surprised if your husband does an about face on this and decides to Divorce you anyway, because your husband is going through HELL! At least he will be soon, he will have mental images of you Riding your OM, you orgasming, screaming and everything. He'll think of all the Lies you've told him, all the nasty remarks you said to him, rejecton of sex to him, I mean EVERYTHING! Even some I didn't mention here!

 

Don't be surprised if he tells your family, his family, contacts OM's wife, oh yeah, your husband may turn nasty himself before this is all over! As WWIS was saying, he hasn't even hit the anger stage, that would be worse that a Nuclear Bomb going off!(so to speak). He's gonna go through HELL, and you put him there, so don't blame your husband for your actions! It don't wash.

[Ronni_W]

H wont do C at this stage, he wants no1 else to know.

Not sure if this will help him to gain a different perspective of counselors/therapists, but perhaps you can offer that this is simply like ANY other problem for which professional input is needed and would be incredibly valuable. Because a counselor (or lawyer or doctor) is not "anyone else" -- they are all bound by professional ethics and regulations, confidentiality clauses and such.

 

Kind of, if he had an STD, would he not seek medical attention because he didn't want others to know? It IS the same thing, when it comes to getting help for one's marriage.

 

Best of luck.

[Darth Vader]

Do the right thing and cut your husband loose so he can eventually find someone who deserves him and can and will remain faithfu to him.

 

That isn't you, obviously!

 

 

I agree!

[astra77]

Thanks everyone - i needed a reality slap.

 

I am so confused right now. I cant let go and i have f**cked up so badly.

 

I would never blame my H for any reactions he may have, they are of course all my own doing. So why blame him when it's my fault - no point.

 

I need to do alot of soul searching, and maybe i do need to let my H and MM go as i deserve nothing less than nothing after all

[Curmudgeon]

I need to do alot of soul searching, and maybe i do need to let my H and MM go as i deserve nothing less than nothing after all

 

You're human. You're fallible. That doesn't mean you deserve nothing. It simply means you have an obligation to make things as right as you can and then live your life in such a way as to not negatively affect others' hereafter.

 

We all make mistakes, Astra. There simply comes a time when we have to face them, admit to them, deal with them, lay them to rest and try our best not to repeat them.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person. It merely makes you human!

[whichwayisup]

Thanks everyone - i needed a reality slap.

 

I am so confused right now. I cant let go and i have f**cked up so badly.

 

I would never blame my H for any reactions he may have, they are of course all my own doing. So why blame him when it's my fault - no point.

 

I need to do alot of soul searching, and maybe i do need to let my H and MM go as i deserve nothing less than nothing after all

 

Beating up on yourself isn't going to make this any better, so lighten up abit.

 

You made some bad choices and now you need to deal with the fallout, the consquences..Start by seeking counselling so you can figure out your feelings. Maybe you have it in you to work on your marriage, maybe you don't. But, right now you can't make ANY sound decision when you're emotional and feeling this bad.

[Owl]

Astra-

 

First step. You need to make a CHOICE.

 

Is it your H, or is it OM????

 

Make up your mind.

 

If its your H...then the first, critical, HAS TO HAPPEN step is you need to go NC with OM...FOREVER!!!!!!!!!

 

Texting OM is NOT rebuilding your marriage.

 

You've told your H...and that is a huge first step, and I totally commend you for it.

 

Now...does he know that you're still in contact with OM? Continued contact=continued affair.

 

Is your H working under the premise that the affair is ongoing, or over?

[bish]

So i did it - it bit the bullet and told my H everything. He did suspect me after all.

 

He reacted very calmly - which is a little scary. He admitted we had a F**cked up point in our marriage, but i was his W and he still loves me.

 

Of course this blew me away as i was expecting him to leave.

 

Now my problem is i dont know if i want to try and work things out as I still love my xmm. I thought that by confessing to my H that i would realease my feelings for xmm, like that by coming clean i would set my feelings for xmm free from my mind - IT DIDNT WORK.

 

Was it that or maybe you thought your husband would get so pissed that HE would do what you don't have the guts to do and end the marriage?

 

If you are in love with the xMM, then there is nothing in this marrige to salvage.

 

 

I txt xmm and told him i told my H coz i cant handle the situation i find myself in

 

You didn't find yourself in this situation. It didn't just fall into your lap. It happened because you wanted it to happen. don't play the "woe is me" thing.

 

 

WHY DID I DO THAT ??????????? WHAT A F**CKEN WANKER I AM. Why did i do that. Of course there was no reply. F**ck me i am crazy

 

Well its good that he didn't reply. Now the question is, are you going to set your husband free?

 

 

I think at this stage - H only found out everything last night - H wants to stay married, he told me he could deal with this only once, and never again. I truely have NO intention of having an A again

 

Just because you have no intention now doesn't mean you won't in the future. You did it once, you can, and I suspect will, do it again.

 

And he may say he can deal with this once, but make no mistake, he is thinking about what you did to him all the time. It will consume his thoughts for a long...looooong time.

 

And the anger stage is coming, mark my words.

 

but how do i know that working on my M is the right thing - regardless of OM.

 

If you don't know that, then its time to divorce.

[bish]

I commend you for coming clean and telling your husband.

 

Normally I would agree. But I think her intentions of telling him was a way to get her H to take the responsibility of ending the marriage. it didn't work the way she thought.

[cyabye]

You're human. You're fallible. That doesn't mean you deserve nothing. It simply means you have an obligation to make things as right as you can and then live your life in such a way as to not negatively affect others' hereafter.

 

We all make mistakes, Astra. There simply comes a time when we have to face them, admit to them, deal with them, lay them to rest and try our best not to repeat them.

 

It doesn't make you a bad person. It merely makes you human!

 

It doesn't? Then what would? Yes, we are human but is it really a mistake when a person intentionally does it or is it a choice? A mistake is when you unintentionally (i.e. w/o hurt, pain to another etc.)do something or choose wrong. Everything else is a CHOICE.

 

My STBXW had an old boyfriend over while I was at work with our new born son (and 3 other children) in the other room. I guess she made a mistake too. Funny some people (who are human also)make a decision NOT to cheat (sorry make a mistake) everyday. So what do you call a person who does NOT learn from their "mistakes" and keeps repeating them over and over etc.? A good person? Again.

 

C'YA BYE!

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Astra this is why life is so fun and scary, there is no certainty, especially when dealing with the fact that there are a lot of things wee don't have control over (one of them is NOT ourselves, if one can't control themselves then they have issues they need to get fixed). But it is obvious you are not really there. You seem to still be looking for comfort from your ex-lover (who in my opinion got smart too late or was already to leave because he knew he was doing wrong). What you need to do is be honest with yourself. You need to deal with yourself to get your head straight and your heart where in needs to be. To do that you really should think about some private counseling. Figure all the hows and whys you can, figure out if you really want to be married to the man you are with now or with someone else. And then go through with what is right.

 

And just in case you didn't know... Your ex-lover ran because you told and he knew he may have to answer to your husband if he caught him with you. And if your husband is anything like me, you and any future lover may not be too happy about the consequences of your actions. And most guys know this, this is probably why he ran. But, then again, he might be going through issues and he is not the bright type to know when to back off.

 

But, honesty is always good. And if you have been honest about the affair, be honest about the confusion you feel right now.

 

 

DNR

[astra77]

I will take what everyone has said on board.

 

DNR - I get what you are saying. Looking back, I think i can see that xmm was going to leave, but i wanted to do it first. I told husband for many reasons, one so that HE can decide what HE wants to do, and also so that he may be able to snap me out of it - its starting to work. H rang OM last night. That seals the NC thing for me well and truely.

[whichwayisup]

Can I ask what your H told the OM?

 

Good, because that conversation took place, I hope the NC will happen for you.

[astra77]

Can I ask what your H told the OM?

 

Good, because that conversation took place, I hope the NC will happen for you.

 

Poor H didnt get much out before xmm hung up, he said something like you dont know me but you know my wife, xmm tried to make out he didnt know me, H said stop contacting my W, xmm went silent and hung up - H tried to call back but xmm had turned phone off.

[whichwayisup]

The other option is, your H tell his wife about the A as a last option if he contacts you again. By email, phone, text, instant messages..

[astra77]

The other option is, your H tell his wife about the A as a last option if he contacts you again. By email, phone, text, instant messages..

 

H wanted to tell xmm's w, but after h called xmm he doesnt want to do that, not know anyway. I told H that even if he did tell xmm's w that xmm would just lie anyway so whats the point.

 

I told h that i confessed to him about A coz i didnt want him to find out from a third party. It is my M that I put on the line, so therefore its up to ME to tell H. I told H that if xmm didnt tell his wife it was THEIR problem, not ours.

 

He seemed happy after the call, but a little pis**d that he didnt get to say too much. Again this has sealed NC for me. Any contact to my xmm now is effectively cheating on my H - i dont EVER want to do that again.