I confessed to my husband i had an affair

[Curmudgeon]

It doesn't? Then what would? Yes, we are human but is it really a mistake when a person intentionally does it or is it a choice? A mistake is when you unintentionally (i.e. w/o hurt, pain to another etc.)do something or choose wrong. Everything else is a CHOICE.

 

My STBXW had an old boyfriend over while I was at work with our new born son (and 3 other children) in the other room. I guess she made a mistake too. Funny some people (who are human also)make a decision NOT to cheat (sorry make a mistake) everyday. So what do you call a person who does NOT learn from their "mistakes" and keeps repeating them over and over etc.? A good person? Again.

 

C'YA BYE!

 

Actually, read everything I wrote before the "bad person" comment. In my work I deal with issues involving sexually violent predators. THOSE are bad people. Someone who purposely causes another pain is a bad person. Someone who's malicious and takes pleasure in others' misfortunes is a bad person.

 

Some people fall into situations, take wrong turns, make mistakes and those don't necessarily make them bad. But repeating them can.

 

I'm sorry your wife hurt you so. I've had that experience as well. In time you'll heal and get over it.

[astra77]

It doesn't? Then what would? Yes, we are human but is it really a mistake when a person intentionally does it or is it a choice? A mistake is when you unintentionally (i.e. w/o hurt, pain to another etc.)do something or choose wrong. Everything else is a CHOICE.

 

My STBXW had an old boyfriend over while I was at work with our new born son (and 3 other children) in the other room. I guess she made a mistake too. Funny some people (who are human also)make a decision NOT to cheat (sorry make a mistake) everyday. So what do you call a person who does NOT learn from their "mistakes" and keeps repeating them over and over etc.? A good person? Again.

 

C'YA BYE!

 

 

I get you point and your pain. I did make a mistake, albeit a very huge one that no one else had a choice in except me. I had personal issues that i chose not to discuss with my H, I chose to have an A.

 

I would NEVER flaunt my indiscretions in my H face. This doesnt make right what i have done, but it must show on some level that i care about him. I lost my mind, and i am on my way to finding it, a new mind, not my old one, as this mindset is what got me and my M into trouble in the first place.

 

I do truely regret what i have done to my H and my M, but i can not erase the past nor my actions. While i have acted in the worst possible way towards my h, I GET WHAT I HAVE DONE TO HIM AND I AM TRUELY SORRY.

 

Unfortunately, not everyone is like that. My A had absolutely nothing to do with my H, IT WAS ME.

[Meaplus3]

So i did it - it bit the bullet and told my H everything. He did suspect me after all.

 

He reacted very calmly - which is a little scary. He admitted we had a F**cked up point in our marriage, but i was his W and he still loves me.

 

Of course this blew me away as i was expecting him to leave.

 

Now my problem is i dont know if i want to try and work things out as I still love my xmm. I thought that by confessing to my H that i would realease my feelings for xmm, like that by coming clean i would set my feelings for xmm free from my mind - IT DIDNT WORK.

 

I txt xmm and told him i told my H coz i cant handle the situation i find myself in - WHY DID I DO THAT ??????????? WHAT A F**CKEN WANKER I AM. Why did i do that. Of course there was no reply. F**ck me i am crazy

 

I think at this stage - H only found out everything last night - H wants to stay married, he told me he could deal with this only once, and never again. I truely have NO intention of having an A again, but how do i know that working on my M is the right thing - regardless of OM. H wont do C at this stage, he wants no1 else to know.

 

Please help IM GOING MAD

 

You took a real big step in the right direction by confessing your A to H.. that took alot of courage. Now, in order for you to get your marriage back on track you need to make the decesion to forget about this mm and fully re-commit to your marriage. Are you willing to do that?

 

AP:)

[astra77]

You took a real big step in the right direction by confessing your A to H.. that took alot of courage. Now, in order for you to get your marriage back on track you need to make the decesion to forget about this mm and fully re-commit to your marriage. Are you willing to do that?

 

AP:)

 

Im gonna give it one red hot go

[Meaplus3]

Im gonna give it one red hot go

 

Good for you. Best of luck.

 

AP:)

[cyabye]

Actually, read everything I wrote before the "bad person" comment. In my work I deal with issues involving sexually violent predators. THOSE are bad people. Someone who purposely causes another pain is a bad person. Someone who's malicious and takes pleasure in others' misfortunes is a bad person.

 

Some people fall into situations, take wrong turns, make mistakes and those don't necessarily make them bad. But repeating them can.

 

I'm sorry your wife hurt you so. I've had that experience as well. In time you'll heal and get over it.

 

Thanks for the post C. I appreciate it. I agree with you. I would like to think there is good in everybody but with my experience (career, marriage, etc.)I know it's not so. Sorry for the thread hijack.

 

C'YA BYE!

[twice_shy]

I did make a mistake, albeit a very huge one

 

 

I chose to have an A.

 

Then it wasn't a mistake. You chose it.

 

I think people like to call it a mistake to help negate the wrong that was done.

 

So if you are remorseful and regret what you have done, then fantastic!

But don't spoil that new found realization by trying to call it a mistake.

 

Another note, by calling it a mistake leaves it open for something similar in the future to happen. Afterall, if it is viewed as a mistake, then it can happen again since mistakes "just happen".

[NoIDidn't]

WHOA!!! On all this revealing info to your H. WHOA!!!

 

Great, you told him of the A.

 

NOW....give him time to digest that before telling him that you love the OM.....unless he asks....and be gentle.

 

NOW....give yourself and your H time to decide what each of you wants.

 

THIS WILL TAKE TIME.

 

My H had an EA. I knew that I wanted to stay married, but I was aware that he wasn't sure what he wanted. I gave him time to decide. I took that same time to prepare myself for whatever he decided - stay or go. But I also told him he had a SET AMOUNT OF TIME in which to make his decision.

 

It will take time but it needs to be a predetermined amount of time. Agreed upon by both.

 

Stop contacting the xMM. Don't respond when he attempts to contact you.

 

Baby steps. One thing at a time. Patience.

 

okay.....stepping off soapbox now.....

[astra77]

Thanks to you all.

 

It will take time and I am prepared for that. H broke down last nite & cried for the 1st time. He says he can forgive me but cant forget. I will fight for my M with all i can. No more xmm for me.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

Thanks to you all.

 

It will take time and I am prepared for that. H broke down last nite & cried for the 1st time. He says he can forgive me but cant forget. I will fight for my M with all i can. No more xmm for me.

 

I pray you and your husband much strength and wisdom in your process of healing and recovery.

 

 

DNR

[Owl]

Hang in there Astra.

 

Have you gone complete and total NC with OM/xmm yet? THAT is critical, and I'm thinking its something your H is ASSUMING is in place. If he's assuming it, and its not there...its going to feel like a WHOLE NEW BETRAYAL to him.

 

GET THE NC IN PLACE TODAY.

 

Have you talked with your H about counseling for the both of you? Suggested getting the book "Surviving an Affair" as a resource to start with if nothing else?

 

Just some suggestions.

 

And...take a moment to feel good about yourself for the first time in a while...you're doing the RIGHT things now...that's something to stop and recognize for a moment.