saying hello and wondering if i fit in here?

[Dharmaa]

Hi everyone,

Im 48 years old. Last failed relationship was over 2 years ago and lasted less than two years. I caught myself checking out his online profile yesterday and am fed up with my inability to get over it. I have shut down and havn't moved on either. In the process I've become isolated and lost touch with all "friends" and even keep my distance with family. In the last two plus years I've gained a lot of weight so feel unattractive. Lost confidence and lost interest. Antidepressants are not an option I am willing to consider. I feel my best years are long past and tbh they weren't all that. Maybe I am severly immature. I have no social skills and a real fear of being found out for the boob that I am. I have to be very mindful of the thoughts that I entertain as they seem to always drift toward negativity that doesn't serve any good. Same issue with my mouth. I think I learned this from a very negative family but at my age it seems foolish to allow my childhood issues to have any bearing on what my life has become. I am so tired and frustrated with myself. I wonder if there are any of you here that are in my age group that have learned to overcome stunted social maturity?

[Ronni_W]

Hello Dharmaa, and welcome to LoveShack! I think it safe to guarantee that there is a spot for you, here. In fact, I'm pretty sure it has been waiting just for you to show up and fill it .

 

It IS a challenge to shake off the negative self-image that we have been dragging along all these years, but yes it can be done! Sometimes a good place to start is to identify what are your OWN truths and beliefs about yourself, and what are those you just "took on" that you heard other people saying but that, once you really start to think about it, have nothing whatsoever to do with who you are; never had anything whatsoever to do with who you were; and certainly don't represent who you want to be in the future. <whew...that is one helluva mouthful of a sentence!>

 

For example, you would not have decided for yourself that you are a "boob" ~ we're simply not born with the capacity for that kind of self-judgment. And whomever thought or thinks that about you was/is just plain wrong. No doubt or question about it.

Nothing about what you wrote is "foolish" or "immature". I applaud your decision to not resort to anti-depressants as an option.

 

The best news is that, now that you've found the LS community, your life is about to get a whole lot "better" and more exciting!!! Aren't you glad you showed up?

[iwanttolive]

Hi Dharmaa, you open your heart to all of us on LS. That shows you do have social skill. I believe your friends are most willing to walk with you through this difficult time. In fact, i'd rather have friends who are honest about their feelings to me than those who pretend their lives are more fabulous than everyone else's. In fact, I hate those frens for their insensitivity and hypocrisy! Like you said, you have isolated yourselves and that's why you and your friends drifted apart.

[carhill]

Hey, OP, welcome

 

Briefly:

 

1. There is a minority of people here in your age bracket. I'm one of them (a bit older).

 

2. Best way to handle exes is through NC (or LC if you have children together). NC allows you to get healthy for you. It does work. I'm living proof and I've had a pretty messy romantic life

 

3. Plant a flower in your yard. Take care of it. Watch it grow and appreciate its beauty. You just succeeded in nurturing life and fostering beauty.

 

4. Walk in your neighborhood. Smile at people. Talk to dogs and cats. Move beyond yourself. It's a really lovely world out there.

 

I was depressed for a number of years (back in my 30's) and beat it without drugs, but it was tough. A lot of hard work, introspection and cognitive behavior modification. IMO, therapy and a properly rx'd brain med, if appropriate, can be much more efficacious than the choice I made.

 

Tell me about the social skills you think you lack. Then, tell me about the attributes you love about yourself. You do have those.

[Nemo]

The best news is that, now that you've found the LS community, your life is about to get a whole lot "better" and more exciting!!! Aren't you glad you showed up?

You must have taken the pink pill. And now I want one, too.

[Dharmaa]

Tell me about the social skills you think you lack. Then, tell me about the attributes you love about yourself. You do have those.

I lack an ability to get along with people I do not like or respect, I guess I lack the kiss-up gene. I am missing the desire to be approved of (that might be wrong - I have the wish but lack the motivation to do it well if it involves discomfort). I am to criticle of others. To negative. I also have extreme anxiety in meeting new people, I don't have the chit chat gene either .

It's much harder to tell you about the attributes I love about myself. Love seems such a strong word..... I like my sence of style, I have an artistic flair for decorating. I like that when I am passionate about a project that I excel. I like my sence of humor, even though it is a bit cynical. I like that I have had moments of courage that surprised those who know me. I like that I am a loyal person. That's the best I can do at the moment.

Thanks to all here who responded to my post......

more later

Dharmaa

[carhill]

OP, are you OK with people not liking you? Why?

[Dharmaa]

No, it is lonely and isolating. I would prefer to be liked but don't know how to be true to myself and social.

[iwanttolive]

I lack an ability to get along with people I do not like or respect, I guess I lack the kiss-up gene.

 

Generally, no one will get along with those they do not like or respect. But is there a reason why you do not like or respect them? It could be that they do not command your respect because of their behaviour, values etc..

 

But as you mentioned, it could also be that you're overly critical of them. Like you want to be accepted, your friends also want to be accepted by you. Everyone is different. You may think someone who party alot, for example, do not command ur respect. But it could be they hurt inside or feeling empty. Unless they do something that harm others, all of us deserve to be accepted.

 

Do you have a hobby/ passion/ interest? You could start making frens based on common interest. Let the friendship grow with time. People actually do sincerely love and care for you if you let them. Everyone has their own struggles in life.. You too can be a source of comfort to your friends.. -Hugs-

[Ronni_W]

No, it is lonely and isolating. I would prefer to be liked but don't know how to be true to myself and social.

Dharmaa, it is much more important to learn how to like yourself -- once you gain clarity of WHO you are, then you have the yardstick of WHAT to be true to.

 

A need to be liked stems from low self-esteem and low self-confidence -- I know that's part of the current circumstance that you want to improve, but increased esteem and confidence comes from a positive self-image; from improving how you see yourself...not by assessing your Self based on others' opinions of you. The latter is actually UNhealthy behaviour that leads to a distorted view of the Self.

 

There is something wonderful that I first heard Jim Self say. "What other people think of you is none of your business." There is a lot of wisdom in that.

Sending Love and Light.

[carhill]

No, it is lonely and isolating. I would prefer to be liked but don't know how to be true to myself and social.

OK, now how do you reconcile this with not getting along with people you don't respect or like?

 

It sounds like a minor conundrum to me, but remember I think like a man

 

Seriously, one late-bloomer to another, you never know when it's going to happen to you. I often call it "a process" and, IMO, it truly is. I believe the key is acceptance.

 

Have you ever had a life-altering event? For me, it was my mother developing Alzheimer's and my having to care for her personally. Changed my whole outlook on life. I had to learn how to not be liked by a lot of people and make a job of it to get things done and be an effective advocate.

 

You already know your path. Look with different eyes and you'll see

[iwanttolive]

I had to learn how to not be liked by a lot of people and make a job of it to get things done and be an effective advocate.

 

Are you saying she needs to accept not being liked by her friends? It is ok for some people to not like us for certain reasons. Afterall we can't please everyone in this world. But Dharmaa could be facing some issues that need to be addressed?

[carhill]

Are you saying she needs to accept not being liked by her friends? It is ok for some people to not like us for certain reasons. Afterall we can't please everyone in this world. But Dharmaa could be facing some issues that need to be addressed?

People who don't like me (or her) are not my (or her) friends....

 

I don't know her circumstances, but, for me, being self-employed, I vastly prefer being respected to being liked. Respect starts by looking in the mirror and respecting oneself. It's something that needs to be worked at every day, in every action, IMO.

 

I personally think she has enough life experience to know exactly what personal issues she has. She just needs a process to clarify them and effect any changes which are healthy for her. That's what I meant by "looking with different eyes".

[Ronni_W]

Respect starts by looking in the mirror and respecting oneself. It's something that needs to be worked at every day,

I agree. And it's the same with other qualities such as forgiveness, acceptance and love -- it starts with giving those 'gifts' to the Self...first, foremost and always.

 

So, for Dharmaa (and all of us), it is not so much about "accepting that others don't like (us)" as much as allowing them to have their own opinions of us WITHOUT letting those opinions guide whether or not we like ourselves. About getting totally okay with the fact that some people do not like us -- and that is THEIR business, not ours.

 

It's a new SELF-perspective that will allow us 'see' how our own self-criticisms and self-limitations are holding us back; and can then choose to change all that do not serve our current-day needs, desires and beliefs about who we truly are.

[Dharmaa]

I am not at odds with my friends - I am at odds with the social requirement of getting along with people who are not my friends - an example would be in a workplace. I worked in an office environment for seven years until a year ago. Over the years I noticed my inability to forgive others I worked with who had offended me in one instance or another. It was as if I kept a score card and never really forgave others of perceived slights or wrongs.

 

After the company sold a new manager came in. Months later I watched a hostile takeover occur and the new manager booted out with police and legal involvement because he didnt get along with a couple of the board members. I was shocked and dissapointed as I watched my coworkers and immediate supervisor switch loyalties on a dime - to save their own skins no doubt. I think that was when I stopped trying to contain my contempt and I quit careing completely. Within six months of the management takeover I was replaced by one of their neices. I became fanatically convinced that corporate environments are full of fakes and back stabbers and butt kissers, people I wouldnt give the time of day or invite into my home.And after long day in that snake pit I was spending nearly an hour in traffic with other poor angry saps in the same boat fighting the bottleneck rush hour traffic in the heat of the day.

 

So I took the first opportunity that arose to work from home. Less money but a welcome respit from society as I was seeing it. All of this was going on while I was working on recovering from a broken relationship that left me feeling very low about my self worth and relationships in general....... I may or may not tell more about that saga but the short vesion is that after living together for a year and a half I realized he was not going to marry me. In his defence I allowed him to move in when he needed a place to live so I am to blame for the offence I felt. I have a family with strict religious views and extreme double standards of what is acceptable behavior for a woman. Shacking up is not acceptable for them so I was not honest with them about our living arrangements. I wanted my familys respect and he did not see the importance of it. I saw that as evidence that he lacked respect for me. I saw his resistance as proof that he wasn't where he wanted to be and pretending otherwise was just postponing the inevitable. I suspected he was just with me because I was convenient...... I felt used.

 

This time out of the traditional workplace has been a welcome change of pace but I am seeing that my thought patterns have not recovered. I am just hiding here and my actions are reinforcing my thoughts. I am afraid that my vacation from reality and society has become my norm and this doesn't feel right anymore.

 

I think my recent actions have been an effort to maintain my self respect but now I feel that what was a choice has become a prison and have forgotten how or lost the will to learn to get along and have relationships of any kind. My sadness is due to the fact that for so long I honestly did try very hard to make things work. I did do my best and my best efforts sorta blew up in my face. I did very much try to be true to myself. I feel that in both my personal and professional life, my best efforts did not work. I am left feeling I must be lacking in some sort of social skill that I should have acquired by now........

[carhill]

Can you access and/or otherwise afford individual counseling? If yes, I personally think it would help you greatly.

 

I heard much of this same story from the female friend I reconnected with in the last year. IMO, her issues stem completely from her family dynamic and socialization. She's just a couple years younger than you and still struggles, even though she's a grandmother and quite successful in her own right. It's as if she sees it all as a fragile veneer and she has to "fake it" with these people she might otherwise despise to make her way. Well, that's my perspective on what I heard...

 

I dealt with many of the same issues, from a different impetus, a number of years ago. The give and take of being married has also helped. From what I read here, I'm optimistic. You have the gift of introspection; properly focused, it will get you where you want to go

[Dharmaa]

I do not have insurance. I am not able to afford counseling. I have tried a faith based counseling service but I found that there was an expectation that every issue can be resolved with "faith" or the bible...... there was a subtle but obvious attutude that my lack of "healing" was some sort of proof that I am not a "good christian" and that all issues can be resolved with enough faith and bible reading. I also got a more subtle message that this life is somehow meant to be a miserable experience and good christians rise above it and look for happieness in the next life whie busying themselves in this life by helping others and saving souls and that preoccupation with issues in this life is a form of selfworship. The experience created more self doubt and loathing and failure.....

 

I need to take a moment to thank all of you here who have taken the time to respond. It's very kind of you. I've not seen a hint of criticism and I appreciate and acknowledge your kindness.

[jerbear]

Just wanted to say hi back and hello!

[Ronni_W]

Over the years I noticed my inability to forgive others I worked with who had offended me in one instance or another. It was as if I kept a score card and never really forgave others of perceived slights or wrongs.

I am left feeling I must be lacking in some sort of social skill

Dharmaa, if I may suggest, the underdeveloped social skill may well come under the umbrella term of 'forgiveness'. It is very difficult (if not impossible) to properly learn and practice that skill within the confines of strict, religious beliefs and attitudes of extreme double standards. There is little room for understanding and acceptance -- of the self or others, and ability to 'compromise' isn't valued too highly, if at all.

 

I wholeheartedly agree with carhill that your insight into, and understanding of, what is currently limiting you is quite extraordinary. As well, your desire to break free of the consequences of your prior choices (which you also recognized served you well in their time) and make new decisions and choices for your future (that will serve you better in the current time.)

 

And I also agree that your next steps will be made clearer and the road smoother with the help of a professional therapist. (If you do not have access, google "psychotherapy training" in your area -- the institutions' graduates must do internships, so their services are often offered free or for a nominal fee.)

 

Thanks for sharing, and sending Universe's blessings.

[Dharmaa]

And I also agree that your next steps will be made clearer and the road smoother with the help of a professional therapist. (If you do not have access, google "psychotherapy training" in your area -- the institutions' graduates must do internships, so their services are often offered free or for a nominal fee.)

 

Thanks for sharing, and sending Universe's blessings.

 

Thank you for the suggestion. I will look into this promptly. You have all been very encouraging and have even validated my perceptions. Interesting that you would spot the forgiveness issue as my signature is a line from a song about forgiveness called The Heart of the Matter.

Best regards,

Dharmaa;)

[Ronni_W]

...my signature is a line from a song about forgiveness called The Heart of the Matter.

Dharmaa, since you mention that, I'll suggest maybe taking a look at "Forgiveness: A Bold Choice For A Peaceful Heart" by Robin Casarjian. It's been on my "to read" list ever since I saw about it another LS post. That poster also included an excerpt, which I'll paste at the end of this. (It may or may not be particularly relevant to your specific situation but will give you a 'flavour' for the author's style. Plus, I don't have another excerpt to share .)

 

I've also found that many of my inner struggles come from how holy texts are intepreted and "taught" -- I find it does, too often, come across as being much more critical and invalidating than uplifting and hope-inspiring. These days, I resonate with belief systems that suggest we establish our own guidelines for how we wish to perceive and relate to our Creator/Highest Power, regardless of the name/label we assign to Him/Her/It.

 

I guess one then starts reflecting on the words "spirituality" and "religion", and pondering the commonalities and differences.

For me, forgiveness is very much a spiritual "thing" -- gift, quality, frequency, however one wishes to say it. So, in trying to learn the skill of it one often finds the teachings in a biblical/religious context, which can trigger old stuff.

I don't know the context underlying the book, but the excerpt suggests it likely "speaks" in the language of my own spirituality - it might be the same or different, for you. But. There ARE sources and resources that will fit 100% with what and how you want and need. So my suggestion would be to not struggle with material that is incompatible and does not resonate. Simply keep searching because, to paraphrase from the X-Files, "YOUR truth is out there"

------

Excerpt from: Forgiveness: A Bold Choice For A Peaceful Heart by Robin Casarjian (with thanks to the person who brought it into my awareness.)

"Sometimes choices are made in the name of forgiveness while what is occurring isn't forgiveness at all. It’s important to not confuse being forgiving with denying your own feelings, needs and desires. Forgiving doesn't mean being passive and staying in a job or relationship that clearly doesn't work for you, or is abusive.

It is important that you are clear about your boundaries. What is acceptable for you? If you are willing to allow unacceptable behavior again and again in the name of 'forgiveness’, you are more than likely only using the word 'forgiveness' as an excuse to not take responsibility for your self-care; or as a way to avoid making necessary changes."

[Dharmaa]

Thank you Ronni W. I found a 5 page excerpt from the book on amazon and am excited to read more. I sometimes forget that putting new and positive information into my brain with reading helps reprogram my thoughts, even if just for the moment.....

[JohnnyBlaze]

Dharmaa, have you ever considered taking one of those kickboxing classes? Not the ones where you actually spar with someone who hits back, but the ones where you go through the moves and just beat the living crap out of a heavy bag. You've mentioned that you're unable to forgive (and I fully understand that) and that you've got some weight you'd like to lose. Hitting something is a great stress release that might help lessen some of that pent-up anger towards others, it builds confidence beyond your wildest dreams (there's something empowering about knowing you can drop a person twice your size) and the exercise will shed the weight faster than a lipo clinic. Plus, it'll get you out of the house and in a group setting. A whole lotta benefits with no downside!