Things are SLIGHTLY better...

[LonelyVocalist]

Well, it's been a while since I posted in this neck of the woods... And even though things still suck hard, they are slightly less sucky than before.

 

I'm still bustin' town and spending endless hours on Craigslist trying to find a second job and a room for rent so I can leave my family. Nothing against them, they just seem to be highly annoyed by my presence (even my 20 month old niece), and I don't blame them. I'm irritating. Oh well, can't be liked by everybody, no? Even though there's no such luck, I might as well enjoy moving to the middle of nowhere in a cowtown being a fair 7 more minutes and 10 more miles from my work and friends still living with mommy. How appealing and adult of me! Sometimes I wish I were more popular and were lucky enough to have good friends that would let me move in and lower price of rent and utilities 'cause I'm buddy-buddy with them... but whatever.

 

The job market and working minimum wage is a joke. I go the extra mile at work and clean everything on top of being forced to do customer service (and oh lord do I hate it) all the time. And for WHAT? JACK FRIGGIN SQUAT!!! I'm still the low man on the totem pole at work and I still suck at my job, but because of my mess-ups, there's nothing I can do about that either... other than keep trying my best and MAYBE getting a good reference. Minimum wage is ridiculous. NOBODY can live off of it. I'd be lucky if I can manage renting a room off of TWO jobs. It doesn't help when my brother's preaching to me how getting a job is the easiest thing in the world (easy for him to say, he's GOOD at everything. I'm not. WHY WHY WHY did I have to deal with the burden of being such a damned loser? Oh well, it's a job SOMEBODY's gotta do, and I suppose I was chosen. I guess better me than somebody else.) and my mother looking at me like a lazy piece of crap whenever I have ONE day off (and that's all I get... ONE lousy day off... STILL make jack squat and have to surrender 66 percent of my puny paycheck to my expenses, not including gas and food). I don't blame them. I'm a horrible son. A horrible brother. A horrible family member. Whatever, I can't satisfy them, so I guess it's time to simply try my best to move on and get my poisonous self away from them ASAP.

 

I've pretty much given up hope on ever meeting a woman and having a mutual relationship with her. It's not their faults, It's me and my god damn high expectations that I wish I didn't have. UGH, I HATE IT! However, I've learned its much better to embrace it rather than supress it. I am who I am, and there are just some things about myself that are welded into my subconscious, I suppose. Again, it's probably better if I don't lie to myself just to make some wallflower I don't feel anything for (the only kind of girls that have ever liked me) happy. Maybe there's a reason why I'm destined to be alone for life... my career.

 

Sorry, but I still want more than anything to be a lead singer/frontman in a band. I don't care how "pie in the sky" it is. I don't care how impossible it is. I don't care if it makes me poor. I don't care if it's a lost cause... it's the only thing keeping me alive. Even though it's impossible to find musicians who I can relate too (most of them are perfectionistic, pompous, anal snobs who aim to put others down just to make themselves look better... if that isn't you, then my apologies if I offended you), I'm not giving up. Sure I still have writers block, and am not the most technically proficient vocalist on earth (not EVEN close... GOD! WHY does all my effort go to waste?! WHY ME!?!?!??!), but at least I have the vision, I can see myself accomplishing this, and nobody has taken that away from me, and never will.

 

However, I'm still hanging in there. I really don't feel the need to forcibly end my life anymore. I figured that I can live 40-60 more years... that shouldn't be too much of a problem. Plus, I have hope, unrealistic or not, that I might finally become who I want to be rather than what I'm forced to do and/or what society expects of me.

 

I still miss pot more than ANYTHING ELSE ON THIS GOD FORSAKEN SPHERE OF CRAP!!! ARGH! Even after several months... I NEED IT! However, I can't smoke weed and be a great singer, unlike a lot of my friends... DAMN! WHY ME!??!?!?!?

 

Oh well, at least things don't suck as much as they used to.