long complicated story of jealousy and cheating??

[soncini]

So I met my current boyfriend about 2 years ago in college. He was crazy about me and chased after me...meantime I played hard to get. I just felt something was off...telling me to stay away. Anyway, I eventually started seeing him...one thing led to another and I apparently became the first person he ever slept with.

 

Now...Im not sure when we started being "official" but everyone pretty much always thought we were dating all along (always together...hanging out...going on dates etc). Im the type of person that when I first meet someone, that person has 100% of my trust and then it deducts from there. In other words...I have no reason NOT to trust you. So when my BF would tell me he was hanging out with so and so, I believed him.

 

Moving forward to this past fall 07', my bf and I got into a fight and he officially broke it off with me...stating it was over no more feelings etc. I asked him if there was someone else...he insisted there wasnt he just didnt want me like that anymore. I was devistated and of course my friends started taking me out and I eventually started to feel a little better. However, a month (IF that) after he broke it off with me, I ran into him with a mutual friend and next thing you know he was calling me...apologizing and telling me he realized he made a terrible mistake. He said the distance between us made him realize he wanted me. I yet again played hard to get but eventually gave in.

 

So after we got back together we discussed everything and he pretty much just wanted to know anyone I hooked up with while we were broken up and vise versa...just to get it all out on the table. I told him everything and he supposedly did...that is until I found out otherwise a few months later. He eventually admitted to sleeping with 4 other girls (apparently 1 happened last summer when we were still together...he says we werent official??), one or two happened when we were not together...anddd the other when we were in the process of getting back together. Now the problem is in the 5 or so months that we have been back together and before I found out about the other women, I truely have fallen deeply in love with him. He has been great since we got back together and its just such a shame because after I heard about his lies I have gone from 100% trust to absolutely nothing. I want to forgive him. I want to forget what he did. He says they meant nothing...and I believe him. He pretty much admitted to having been immature and that he needed to "get it out of his system". Part of me sees this as a GOOD thing because then he wont really wonder what it would be like to be with someone else...but the other part is severely jealous. I just get images in my head of him with these other girls and it drives me nuts...I find myself asking him questions every once in a while...where? what positions? when?? things like that.

 

Should I be this upset? Should I forgive him? Will I be able to? The guy that he is now is so great. I love him so much and I cant even see myself without him...yet Im in pain at times when the memories flash back. What should I do?

 

I dont really know if what he did was cheating. Like I said in the beginning...most people would have called us bf and gf but idk that we were really official...I would have said so but maybe he didnt think that? I guess either way its not good...

 

Thanks for reading my long post.