ksc2004 Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 On Monday I confessed to my boyfriend of nearly three years that I cheated on him twice with the same guy. He didn't hit, yell, put me down or anything. As soon as I admitted my faults he just started crying and held me in his arms asking 'why honey why?' My relationship with my boyfriend has not always been so perfect. We've had lots of issues (mostly on my part), but he willingly stayed because he had and has faith in me. I am now trying to fix what I have broken. Though my guy did not break up with me, he wants to take things slow.. real slow. In the past week, we have only kissed once, which should suggest to anyone who is reading this what our intimacy level is. I know its my fault, and I should respect the space that he wants, but God I miss him so much (the complete him). When we eat out, we barely talk. When we watch movies, there is a large space in between us. Has anyone gone through the same scenario as I am going through? What did you do to make your significant other forgive you? How long did he/she "come back to you?" Our three year anniversary is in the second week of August, lately he doesn't call and waits for me to call. He says that he is having a difficult time keeping his distance, but God he sure doesn't show it. What confuses me the most about this is that when we're together things are calm and less dramatic, but when I go home to my place the phone doesn't ring, his voice is far more distant than his body language around me, and it seems like we go one step forward when we're in each others company and two steps back when I leave to go home. What is going on? He wants to move forward, but he's so bipolar about this. I know that I am sounding so selfish for wanting this "magic pill" effect, even though I'm the one who screwed up, but I just miss him so much. And I am trying my hardest to gain his trust back. What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? Link to post Share on other sites
JustinWolf Posted July 27, 2008 Share Posted July 27, 2008 You cheated on him. Why? Link to post Share on other sites
Bryanp Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 You have humiliated and disrespected him in the worst possible way. It was good that you were honest with him about it. He is now questioning everything about your relationship. If the roles were reversed what would you be feeling? I think you would be insulted, humiliated and totally made to feel like a complete fool. The question is why twice did you cheat on him and what good did you possible think was going to happen to your relationship by doing this? Link to post Share on other sites
JustinWolf Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Worst thing is, you actually made posts here on LoveShack talking about how bad you feel because you think he may be cheating, on top of this, you thaught of this but you clearly stated that he didn't do anything which is why you're suspecting him. So to resume it all, you were afraid that he may cheat on you because it'd hurt you but that's exactly what you went to do with some guy... twice. You also used to check out his emails, cellphone etc. You guys have some issues that need to be resolved. Honnestly, I'm surprised he didn't break it off on the spot. Link to post Share on other sites
confused999 Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 Why did you decide to tell him? Link to post Share on other sites
Potatocakes Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 You'll get advice soon from someone who's been through it but in the mean time all I can say is aparently you guys have a lot to work through and if you can get through all this your relationship will be stronger. You made a big mistake and he deserves better it's going to take time and all you can do is be patient and take things at his pace but still show him when you're together that you care, tell him more often how much he means to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Yamaha Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 I think you need to ask yourself what happened in the relationship that was so bad it made you cheat. It gets easier to cheat after the 1st time so I would advise you to do some soul searching and see if you really want to stay with him. If you do it is going to take alot of time for him to trust you again. Are you willing to wait? Link to post Share on other sites
vivrantflo Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 On Monday I confessed to my boyfriend of nearly three years that I cheated on him twice with the same guy. One time, is nearly impossible for a betrayed significant other to get over, much less twice... and with the same guy as well... who is this guy?? And didn't you feel awful after the first time you had sex with him? Or did the guilt set in after the second time? When we eat out, we barely talk. When we watch movies, there is a large space in between us. Been through this.. you should read my original story. I cheated.. (well, slept with someone on a break) When we hung out afterwards, it was more painful than being apart. She was miles away, just let me kiss her, wouldn't let me touch her.. made space on the couch.. all that. It's bad.. he pretty much visualizing you with another man.. on two occasions, and is most likely very turned off. Has anyone gone through the same scenario as I am going through? What did you do to make your significant other forgive you? How long did he/she "come back to you?" I've been through the same thing. There's nothing new under the sun girl. My ex forgave me, but it was long after the incident.. when she saw that I wasn't the same person, that a truly regretted what I did, and realized that I really do/did love her. It's all in your man's hands right now. He may forgive you, or he may resent the hell out of you.. who knows.. people react differently. I tried my best to "win" her back. She kept me in limbo, and I chased her for 1.5 years. After the 1.5 years, she said she wanted me back, and two weeks after that changed her mind, and now we dont speak again. Put it this way, if he's not willing to work it out within a month of the incident, he's not coming back. What confuses me the most about this is that when we're together things are calm and less dramatic, but when I go home to my place the phone doesn't ring, his voice is far more distant than his body language around me, and it seems like we go one step forward when we're in each others company and two steps back when I leave to go home. Yup, it's highs and lows.. been through it. When we were together, she would hold my hand, we wouldn't argue, we would have decent conversation.. but over the phone, she'd yell, curse me out, swear at me, cry.. I think when you're together with him, he's good, cause.... thats how it was prior to your cheating. But when you leave, reality sets in, and it hits him over and over again, that another man has been in his girl.. twice... What is going on? He wants to move forward, but he's so bipolar about this. I know that I am sounding so selfish for wanting this "magic pill" effect, even though I'm the one who screwed up, but I just miss him so much. And I am trying my hardest to gain his trust back. What am I doing wrong? What should I be doing? lol, I looked for that magic pill, and it's not available... the only thing on your side is time. He needs to heal and get over what you did, twice.. You need to give him space.. but at the same time, let him know how much you love him, and how much you regret making a bad choice twice. why did you sleep with him twice?? The only thing you're doing wrong is expecting a second chance... that's totally up to him, and right now.. going by how he's acting, he's far away from being ready to be in a relationship with anyone. Be there for him when he needs you.. when he needs any questions answered, answer them in truth. Link to post Share on other sites
JustinWolf Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 It's hard for someone to trust again when they cheated on you twice. Right now, he's gone in his own world. You have to understand that but I really hate the fact you were afraid of him cheating on you but you ended up cheating on him. :S Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 but he's so bipolar about this How do you expect him to react? To have a cry, suck it up and get over it? Not to hurt, be angry, feel betrayed, or lose his faith and trust in you? You don't understand what you did to him at all, otherwise you wouldn't have posted that bipolar comment. Let him feel what he feels, and don't put a time limit on it that suits you best. You need to give him space, allow him time to work through the pain you caused him. YOU need to prove yourself to him not the other way around. So he hasn't kissed you, or held you, or made love to you - Why would he want to do that so soon after you've cheated on him? Reverse the situation, would you want him touching you if he cheated on you with another woman? Would you have images of him making out, kissing someone else, making love with another woman, holding her, caressing her body? Yeah, like you'd want him to touch you afterwards.... Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 28, 2008 Share Posted July 28, 2008 This guy needs to stand up for himself and dump your ass. Crying like a baby in front of you wasn't really the best route for him to take. Next time learn not to have sex with other men, I know it sounds simple, but so many females seem to find that part hard. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ksc2004 Posted July 30, 2008 Author Share Posted July 30, 2008 I just wanted to say thank you all for your posts. I really appreciate you all taking your time in reading and responding to my blurb. Some were blunt, but I need the bluntness. Well, someone asked why did I tell my guy about the incident, and to be honest (as you can tell from my February) blog our relationship was horrible. We were literally going through hell times ten, but we managed to overcome that situation and our relationship has been better and stronger than ever (this was before I confessed). I felt like I was falling in love with my guy over and over again. Things were flawless, hence I felt that he was going to ask "the big question" maybe within this year after I graduate from college. So... I wanted to tell him what had happened, because I don't want to start a new chapter with him with skeletons in the closet. I realized that I was stupid and immature enough to have cheated on him, that at least I can do was to confess my sins to him. Someone also replied and said that my guy deserves better, and I completely agree with that. Additionally, Spectre said that he/she would have dumped my ass, which I also agree. I'm not here to justify my wrongs, I'm just trying to fix my mental issues at the moment so that I can make myself better for my guy. As I am typing this, my guy is out in a bar with his two buddies who cannot live without alcohol. Before, I would freak out and make any drama just so that he won't go, but I know that I have to changed to make him believe that I am worth it. Hence, all day today I was thinking of how happy he is with his guys, because lets face it we've been together for almost three years but he has only hung out with his buddies less than 10 times. I know, say what you want to say I am horrible and controlling, and I agree. I have tons of relationship issues, maybe it's because I was exposed to this type of **** when I was growing up (but that's a whole different story). But anywho... Yesterday, I was going through a major low. I wanted to pull myseld out of the picture so that my guy can have the space he has been asking for. But... he didn't let me go. He brought me back to his place and sat me down. He asked me questions, which I answered truthfully and was given different ultimatums which I agreed to ALL. I don't know where our relationship will be next month or next year, but I really am trying. I have been texting him, explaining what I felt. Constantly saying sorry and reminding him that he is worth it and that I will keep trying to gain his trust until I physically am not able to. But anywho... thanks again guys. I appreciate your comments (good and bad) Link to post Share on other sites
amerikajin Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 Here's the bottom line: you're not interested in this dude. Period. End of story. Stop analyzing this and just do the decent thing and let him go. Hate to sound like a broken record, but that's your reality. You do feel guilty about this but not 100 percent guilty. A part of you wishes he would have "gotten the picture" somewhere along the way and just let you break up nicely, without guilt. So here you are, guilty for cheating and just as guilty for wanting to break up. The only way out of this is for you to have the strength to take responsibility for your actions. Take responsibility for what you do, and what you don't do. Until you do that, you're going to be tormenting yourself...and him, too. Screwing with your head is bad enough, but don't screw with his anymore. Link to post Share on other sites
JustinWolf Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 You need to let him go, he doesn't have the set of balls necessary to break up with you and you've been controlling him, you're saying so yourself. Eventually, this will cause problems. Also, now that you've cheated, he's giving you ultimatums, would you have considered some of them if you didn't cheat? You are agreeing to things you wouldn't have agreed to if you hadn't been at this point. So there's a change in your behaviour. You aren't being fully yourself. Also, eventually when all of this will settle, you will start becoming yourself again and then what? Will you still let him go have drinks at the bar with his friends? Link to post Share on other sites
Spectre Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I have tons of relationship issues, maybe it's because I was exposed to this type of **** when I was growing up (but that's a whole different story). No offense, but it's probably you. I know people who were exposed to loads of stuff growing up, and didn't turn out that way. Don't go down the route of naming excuses, even to yourself. This was 100% your fault, if you begin to think otherwise you will just go down this road again with another guy, don't do it. Yesterday, I was going through a major low. I wanted to pull myseld out of the picture so that my guy can have the space he has been asking for. But... he didn't let me go. He brought me back to his place and sat me down. He asked me questions, which I answered truthfully and was given different ultimatums which I agreed to ALL. Once again, no offense but you should, to use a phrase "be the better man" and walk away. Believe it or not, some people when cheated on..they can't let go. Deep down they know they should, but they can't. Whether they are blinded by love, or have either convinced themselves their partner won't do it again..or that they won't be able to find anyone else. People who cheat often think the hardest thing is telling their partner, but it is actually walking away. Think about it, and once again I'm going to be blunt: you have ruined his chance at an ideal relationship. Obviously no relationship is perfect, but now if you get together, he is going to always have that image of you screwing other men. He will always know your relationship is jaded because of what was done. He may forgive in time, but he will never forget, and if you truly care about him, why subject him to that kind of relationship? I mean come on, you cheated on the guy multiple times, and he didn't even want to go on a BREAK? Just take things slow? I have to say he has to have some issues. Also think about this, once again: You admit you were the cause of most of your problems, you admit HE was the one who had faith in you, and that is how you repay him. Sorry, but I have to question if you actually love this man, or rather: your definition of love. Since in my definition of love, and this is shared by a lot of people..you do not cheat on someone you truly love. The fact that you did it once, and did not feel enough guilt about it that you did it again speaks volumes as to how much you actually love this guy. In conclusion, the only thing left to do now to show you have any inkling or respect for this man, and even a smidgen of love for him..is to walk away. Do not use the excuse that he will not let you go, you have to let him go. He is in love, and he is hurt, he is not thinking clearly. Let him go, if you don't..then you really do not love or respect him. Let him go so he can find true love. I know this may sound harsh and may not be what you want to hear, and I know when someone cheats and their partner shows signs it might not be over it is like the rush of a potent drug..but you need to get over that high and realize you are not good for this guy. Sorry, just the truth. Let him go so he can find someone worthy of his affection. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I'm just trying to fix my mental issues at the moment so that I can make myself better for my guy. Maybe counselling can help you cope with this stuff. Link to post Share on other sites
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