Work Relationship Gone Bad: Should I Seek Revenge?

[Unavailability_Lover]

Hello everyone! I have a serious problem at work, and I need to know what to do:

 

I am in my 20's, and (as my name suggests) there is a married male co-worker who is in his 40's who I've been "talking" with for about a year now. We haven't had an affiar, but we have talked about it for about a year now--explicitly. He's asked me to go to his house when his wife wasn't there (which I thought was wrong), get a hotel room, stay late at work, etc. However, we had yet to do anything.

 

Well, some women at work found out that I liked him, but not that it was mutiual (sp?). So, suddenly, at the beginning of this week, he tells me that cheating on his wife would be "immoral" and that "everyone who cheats gets caught." Well, I was talking with one of these women, and when he walked by, the woman says, "Does he give you any reason to chase after him? Because chasing after a married man who is not interested is wrong." Well, I was floored, so I asked, "Why would you ask me that? Has something been said to you?" Apparently, he had told her that I have chased him for a year, and that he has told me "No" from the beginning.

 

Well, I usually delete my emails, but I (luckily) kept an email from him that says, "You're all talk. I had it all set up, and you backed down (referring to him suggesting his house while his wife was at work)."

 

Now, obviously I have not acted morally by entertaining the idea of cheating with a married man, but he is lying to everyone at work, saying that it was all me. I want to know whether or not I should show everyone at work, who he is talking **** about me to, the email. I want to copy it and send it to everyone in the department! I am so freaking pissed!

 

I don't want to ruin things with he and his wife, and I didn't want to make things any worse for either of us at work, but I can't take any more of his lying bull! He even had the gull to show two people (one being one of the two gossips who started all this crap, the other being my boss) at work an email I sent him, but claimed he hadn't responded, or ever sent me an email.

 

I am so angry, and hurt. I want to talk to him, and tell him that if he keeps up this ****, that I will show everyone in the place his emails to me. However, I think it may be better to just show my boss, so she doesn't think I am some psycho who went after him with no positive response from him.

 

What should I do?

 

Before anyone tells me how bad of a person I am for messing with married men: believe me, I've learned my lesson. I've been so humiliated at work, that I will NEVER look at another unavailable person again.

 

Right now, I just need some helpful advice. What do I do?

[D-Lish]

In work environments- people gossip... I suspect that if you showed ONE of the women you are close with the e-mail.... that word would get around. Sending out the e-mail to the entire department would be excessive and most likely viewed as being malicious.

[Unavailability_Lover]

In work environments- people gossip... I suspect that if you showed ONE of the women you are close with the e-mail.... that word would get around. Sending out the e-mail to the entire department would be excessive and most likely viewed as being malicious.

 

 

Which woman? My boss, or one of the two gossips who started all of this?

 

Malicious...you know, I am feeling pretty malicious. He is so lucky I'm not a bunny-boiling bitch. I can't believe the lies about me that he is spreading. I really want to confront him about all this.

 

What is the worst he could do? I mean, if I confront him, and then threaten to give everyone a copy of his emails, if he doesn't stop spreading lying bull**** about me?

[soda]

 

I don't want to ruin things with he and his wife

 

Really? It doesn't sound this way from the post. It appears that you want to expose him, which WILL get back to his wife. It will get him fired at worst. At best, sending the email to everyone will destroy his reputation at work.

 

You also entertained the notion of having an affair with him...for a year. It appears very much like you want to ruin him and his wife.

[soda]

I am so angry, and hurt. I want to talk to him, and tell him that if he keeps up this ****, that I will show everyone in the place his emails to me. However, I think it may be better to just show my boss, so she doesn't think I am some psycho who went after him with no positive response from him.

 

Right now, I just need some helpful advice. What do I do?

 

Now, here's some advice...

 

You need to move on and immediately put distance between yourself and the male coworker. People gossip about what they see at work. Perceptions become reality. If you are seen with him, people will believe that you are pursuing him. From now on, they will NEVER, EVER believe that you and he are just friends. Sorry, that is reality.

 

If you show these emails to anybody, you're still going to look really bad because it will confirm what people were already gossiping about...that you were pursuing a married man. In the end, it doesn't matter if he was playing too. Your reputation at work will not improve by dragging him down with you.

 

Misery loves company...but if you make this become a big enough issue, you do run some risk of losing your job...just to eliminate atmosphere in the office.

[Unavailability_Lover]

Really? It doesn't sound this way from the post. It appears that you want to expose him, which WILL get back to his wife. It will get him fired at worst. At best, sending the email to everyone will destroy his reputation at work.

 

You also entertained the notion of having an affair with him...for a year. It appears very much like you want to ruin him and his wife.

 

No, actually, the only reason I haven't done this already is because I think of how unfair it would all be to her. I also think about how I've already been immoral enough by entertaining the thought of sleeping with him, and that it wouldn't add to my karma by ruining him. However, I find it completely unfair that he has trashed my reputation at work to cover his own ass. I want to show all the people at work who are talking trash about me, and acting like he is the innocent victim here, that he was certainly not saying "no" like he is suggesting.

 

He plainly says, in this email, that he had things set up for us to have sex, but that I backed down--that's right: me, not him.

 

I am leaving in a month anyway; I am moving, which may be part of the reason why he feels he can throw me under the bus, like he is doing. He thinks my reputation doesn't matter any more since I am leaving, anyway. I don't want to ruin his marriage, but I do want to bring his work reputation down as far as mine currently is.

[whichwayisup]

Rise above it and move on. Even if you try to ruin his reputation at work, it will make you look like the one who was in the wrong more than him. And, he'll just throw you under the bus even more.

 

Glad you're moving, start your new life and try your best to let go and forget about him. He's an a-hole and not worth any more of your energy.

[O'Malley]

I don't want to ruin his marriage, but I do want to bring his work reputation down as far as mine currently is.

 

You both were behaving at work and using emails inappropriately; you both have professional reputations that could plummet even further. The more you rant about this to coworkers (or worse, complain to your boss) the more you will be gossiped about, the more you will appear fixated about him, and the more it will seem that you're allowing your personal life to affect your professionalism.

 

Concentrate on making a fresh start at your new job, and not making the same mistake with another coworker or married man.

[amerikajin]

I would definitely not send out an email. Chances are, it would backfire and blow the whole thing into a major workplace scandal. The thing to do is to move on and act like you don't know why he would say those kinds of things, even though you have acknowledged that by entertaining the idea of an affair you probably invited some of this upon yourself -- might not have initiated it, but you still allowed yourself to get caught up in the moment. Just another reason why workplace relationships (especially affairs) are really complicated.

[EnigmaXOXO]

I am leaving in a month anyway; I am moving, which may be part of the reason why he feels he can throw me under the bus, like he is doing. He thinks my reputation doesn't matter any more since I am leaving, anyway. I don't want to ruin his marriage, but I do want to bring his work reputation down as far as mine currently is.

 

I wouldn’t throw gasoline on this fire so long as it’s going out on it’s own. NOTHING has happened, so there isn’t much to feel embarrassed about. Let people gossip ... so long as there’s no circumstantial evidence to add substance to all the squawking (or his bragging) ... it doesn’t add up to much more than just “talk” at this point.

 

On the other hand, turning over your email correspondence will only serve to eliminate any and all doubt that there was some impropriety going on between the two of you. At this point, it will matter little about who was pursuing who and won’t go very far in vindicating your professional reputation/s. Not to mention it may generate even MORE gossip and come off as both tacky and unprofessional on your part.

 

My humble opinion: Count you’re blessings that you had the good sense not to follow through. Move on from this awkward work environment and be sure to pack this valuable lesson with you. It will serve you well in the future, both personally and professionally. You’ve actually caught a LUCKY break!

[whichwayisup]

The other thing to think about, you try to ruin his work reputation, he WILL go after you in the future and possibly ruin your new career, your reputation. You don't need that drama!

[Angel1111]

Instead of talking to him about this, I would forward a copy of that "you backed out" email to him and include a message in it that lets him know that you are incredibly insulted that he has let this kind of gossip get around the office. Spell out some of the things that the two of you talked about, things you couldn't know unless he told you (if that's possible), and things that would be hard to make up. Then tell him that no matter what other people think they know, he knows as well as you exactly what happened, he knows that he has betrayed you, that you're sorry you ever trusted him, and that he is to not speak to you ever again unless it is work-related. The end.

 

No matter what his reply is, you will have those two emails to keep. If they're on your company email account, forward them to your personal email account to have them as back up. If he replies telling you he is sorry, you have even more evidence, if you ever need it.

 

Do not involve your boss in this or you're likely to be fired, and your reputation shot. Probably the worst I would suggest doing is forwarding the email to one of the gossips at the office - after you've left. Then he'll be left holding the ball after you're long gone.

[Dharmaa]

I don't know boys and girls. We are talking about a 40 year old married man who seems to be getting by with stomping on a 20 year old. I think it's time he learned a lesson he won't soon forget. I'd probably hit him with a one two punch. Mail the email to human rosources along with a copy of the restraining order you file on him the day after you quit. Follow that up with a threat of a lawsuit from your lawyer via a telephone call and I promise you the powers that be will put a lid on it fast. Scare the crap out of him. This man is a chicken sh*t bully. Truth be told, at his age he has A LOT more to loose by getting a bad rep at work than you do at 20. Odds are he has a higher income in jeopardy and the prospect of job hunting at 40 is much more daunting than at your age.....

On the flip side, shame on you and I hope you learned your lesson and I am glad you didn't get away with it scott free, you gota own up to it - you brought this drama on yourself and it's gona be hard to get much sympathy from most women, especially the married ones.

[Unavailability_Lover]

I don't know boys and girls. We are talking about a 40 year old married man who seems to be getting by with stomping on a 20 year old. I think it's time he learned a lesson he won't soon forget. I'd probably hit him with a one two punch. Mail the email to human rosources along with a copy of the restraining order you file on him the day after you quit. Follow that up with a threat of a lawsuit from your lawyer via a telephone call and I promise you the powers that be will put a lid on it fast. Scare the crap out of him. This man is a chicken sh*t bully. Truth be told, at his age he has A LOT more to loose by getting a bad rep at work than you do at 20. Odds are he has a higher income in jeopardy and the prospect of job hunting at 40 is much more daunting than at your age.....

On the flip side, shame on you and I hope you learned your lesson and I am glad you didn't get away with it scott free, you gota own up to it - you brought this drama on yourself and it's gona be hard to get much sympathy from most women, especially the married ones.

 

 

Oh, you are right. I have learned my lesson, and my stupid-ass brought this on myself. I knew he was an ******* from the beginning--I just never thought he would be an ******* to me. I know, I know: another stupid mistake. I also know he is a selfish pig, who has thrown people under the bus before, but only regarding work related issues. Again: I didn't think he would do this to me.

 

He certainly had me fooled. However, I have learned a lot from this experience. Honestly, the next married person who even looks my way: I may castrate.

 

Honestly, I feel more sorry for his wife than anyone (including myself). She is married to this *******. I hope he has learned a lesson as well, and will maybe treat her with a little more respect. Though, knowing him: I doubt it.

 

I just want to thank you all for your comments and advice. I appreciate the objectivity that you all have had. I know I brought this on myself, but I still have a month left at work, and it has been torture working 11 hour days with these people who are all talking such trash to me. One woman even walked by me and mumbled, "Whore." They all are treating him like he is this innocent victim in all of this. Luckily, I have friends there who know better, and are keeping my spirits lifted. My boss has talked to everyone in my and his department, and told them to "drop it." If, however, one more person makes a comment to me: I may very well start handing out copies.

 

I let my boss know that today, and she said she fully supports my decision to do so if the **** continues. She hasn't read the email, but after talking with me, she knows now that it was a mutual thing. She is quite disgusted by his behavior (she is in her 40's). She said that if she were in my situation, she would have told him off, and passed the email to everyone. LOL, she has made me feel better about the situation as well.

 

All that being said: the situation is still quite humiliating.

[Unavailability_Lover]

UPDATE: So, the ******* is continuing to try to humiliate me at work. I can't even eat lunch where I normally use to, because it is near his office, and everyone thinks that I am stalking him.

 

Also, today, he called and told one of the gossip girls to ask me to look out for a fax, and to tell her when I got it, so she could tell him. How 3rd grade is that crap? So, I called him and said, "If you are looking for a fax, you are more than welcome to call me and ask." So he starts this crap about, "But you said you didn't want to talk to me," and "Oh, you have me all wrong. I want to talk to you, but I can't now--there are people around. You just have me all wrong."

 

Well, after I practically laughed at him, he called the gossip girl and thanked her for telling me that he was looking for a fax.

 

This is the kind of crap I'm having to put up with: 3rd grade bull.

 

Anyway, I thought I would update you all. He makes me sick. I still have yet to hear his reasoning for why I "have him all wrong." I don't know that I want to hear it, or to see him, but I would enjoy a good laugh about now. I can only imagine the kind of **** he'll come up with.

 

Idiot.

[Angel1111]

UPDATE: So, the ******* is continuing to try to humiliate me at work. I can't even eat lunch where I normally use to, because it is near his office, and everyone thinks that I am stalking him.

 

Also, today, he called and told one of the gossip girls to ask me to look out for a fax, and to tell her when I got it, so she could tell him. How 3rd grade is that crap? So, I called him and said, "If you are looking for a fax, you are more than welcome to call me and ask." So he starts this crap about, "But you said you didn't want to talk to me," and "Oh, you have me all wrong. I want to talk to you, but I can't now--there are people around. You just have me all wrong."

 

Well, after I practically laughed at him, he called the gossip girl and thanked her for telling me that he was looking for a fax.

 

This is the kind of crap I'm having to put up with: 3rd grade bull.

 

Anyway, I thought I would update you all. He makes me sick. I still have yet to hear his reasoning for why I "have him all wrong." I don't know that I want to hear it, or to see him, but I would enjoy a good laugh about now. I can only imagine the kind of **** he'll come up with.

 

Idiot.

 

Wow, I think I'd have to know what made him start acting like this. Maybe the gossip scared him, or his wife knows someone at the office and found out....? If it were me, I would be firing off an email to him letting him know exactly how ridiculous this all is to you.

 

Thanks for the update. Keep us posted.

[Pmb]

Any E-mail that you can forward will not be proof that it originated with him. In fact you could make it appear that he E-mailed you anything that you'd like it to appear if all you did was to forward it rather than show it to someone.

 

But knowing how a guy's mind works and how best to deal with this particular subject at the workplace is to let it go. It would be extremely easy for him to complain about sexual harassment if you E-mailed any message about him regarding anything non-work related to anybody else. I was falsely accused of sexual harassment and let me tell you that, even tough the girls were fired as a result for making false accusations, its a sickening thing to have to deal with in the mean time. Don't do it! Your satisfaction will come when you realize that total silence from you tends to indicate a lack of importance of it on your end. Imagine that you never mentioned it ever again. Then from his point of view he was very easy to forget. That eats away at the male ego more than anything else possible.

 

How's that for revenge?

 

Good luck

 

Pete

[Terminator]

it has been torture working 11 hour days with these people who are all talking such trash to me. One woman even walked by me and mumbled, "Whore." They all are treating him like he is this innocent victim in all of this.

 

Think of it this way, the guy is probably already lining up his next "g/f" and sleazing up to some of these women that are making the comments. So basically, the next time one makes any comments like the above just smile sweetly at her knowing what's in store for the poor thing

 

Be nice to your enemies - it drives them bonkers

[Kenyth]

Yeah, playing around with married folks is risky. When I was single, I would flirt with and take out to lunch a young lady with no intention of ever having an actual affair. Taking girls out to lunch made me a bit more "interesting" to the single girls at work. She wound up leaving employment for her own reasons. I found out later that she was saying a lot of less than flattering things about me. That I was "begging" to sleep with her and she had to keep turning me down, etc.

 

I ignored it and it pretty much went away on it's own. Sticks and stones you know. I blame myself primarily. Even though she was married, it could be said I was leading her on. It's just best to stay away from situations like this altogether. You're leaving anyway, so I'd just ignore it and chalk it up to experience.

[EYECANDY000]

The best thing to do is to quit! start looking for another job. I dont see this situation turning around any time soon, especially since your boss is involved. If quitting is not an option then keep far distance away from this guy. And if the gossipers approach you, then tell them they have their information wrong!

 

Oh yea, to answer your question, what revenge would you do? Dont draw more attention to yourself at work!

 

Good luck!

[Mary3]

Your boss is pond scum.

 

He created chaos in your environment because he believed he was going to be found out by the wife.

 

He never cared about you at all. He continually asked you to come over to his house while he wife was gone. Sick.

 

He will do this again you know ? It might be awhile because it was risky to him.

 

I actually LOVE the idea of one poster suggested. Forwarding to HR and the restraining order. It sends a POWERFUL message that you are not one to be messed with. It prevents him for harassing you further. It also shrinks his little weinie beanie a little more...hopefully...

[Unavailability_Lover]

Hahaha, so do I have an update for you all!

 

The ******* gave me all this crap about how I "have it all wrong" and am "completley misunderstanding" him. When he said he needed to talk to me and explain things, I said, "Talk." Well, of course, then wasn't the time or place--lol, probably because he needed to come up with a solid story.

 

Well, he kept that line of crap up for nearly a week, so finally I went upstairs to my boss, told her that he asked to speak with me, and let her know I was going to his office to have him explain it to me. Well, she said that was fine, and she was interested in knowing how everyone "has it all wrong."

 

So, I marched into his office--he had a guy friend of his who works with us in there with him--and said, "I think now is the perfect time: explain it to me. How do I 'have it all wrong'?" Well, he nearly fell out of his chair. The guy in his office took off saying, "I'm out of here." I told him he was more than welcome to stay, since they're all in my business anyway. Haha, his line of crap was AMAZING.

 

Apparently, none of this is his fault: all of the jealous women who I work with were trying to ruin things, stick their noses in our business, etc. So, he had to save his own ass, and tell them that nothing was going on, and it was all just me having a crush on him. He swears he never meant to hurt me, and it is everyone else's fault, but not his. LOL! Seriously? I mean, I can believe that some of these women did stick their noses in our business; however, he could have told them to f-off. He didn't have to throw me under the bus.

 

We spoke for nearly an hour. Every time I tried to leave, he would tell me to sit down, so we could speak about the matter further. Then, he says, "I don't want you to be mad at me. Are we okay?" I was like, "Well, we're as 'ok' as we are ever going to be."

 

LOL, this is the kicker: as I was leaving, his wife called. He let it go to voicemail, because he was still talking with me. However, I told him he should call his wife back, and stop feeding me a bunch of b.s. As I was leaving, he was dialing his wife back, and he looked at me, and just as I was walking out of the door, said: "Umm...I like that dress."

 

Oh. My. God. I could have jumped over that desk and STRANGLED HIM! What a complete and total SLEEZE! How could he even have the audacity to say something like that to me, after all the **** he has done?

 

 

Anyway, everything has been fine for about a week now. We talk if it is work related, and that is all. He is a real piece of work--that's all I can say.

 

I've certainly learned my lesson here. I would recommend any woman think twice before getting involved with an unavailable person--especially one whom she works with.

[Mary3]

Your boss is a real piece of work. The MERE fact that he always wanted you to come over and have sex , well that says it all...

 

He WILL do this to another women. He will just be more careful.

 

Document , Document !! Everything

 

You might find yourself out of work and never knew what hit you. If they choose to believe him...

 

This is sexual harassment if you did NOT want to sleep with him and you continually told him so.

 

His employer needs to know.

 

If you do find yourself punished in any way then this is PART of sexual harassment.

 

Call an attorney for free. Ask him what you should do.

 

Save all emails , voicemails.

 

This could get ugly....you need to protect yourself.

[Trialbyfire]

The guy's a jerk but what could you possibly expect from a married man who gets involved with employees? Also, you need to consider your responsibility within the affair triangle.

 

Check your employees manual and see if there are guidelines surrounding non-fraternization rules between management and staff. If so, both your arses are on the line.

 

My advice to you is to find another job and walk away with grace. If you do have the opportunity, send the email to his wife. That will be a fate worse than death for your philandering boss.

[Blue Strawberry]

Wow, this office is very unprofessional, I'm surprised that the two of you didn't even lose your jobs for using work email for that crap and letting it get out of hand with the talking and showing.

Your boss sounds like an idiot, too, for encouraging you to use the work email system for that.

You do realize that all your deleted emails can be dug up nowadays......don't you have some sort of work internet policy, this is ridiculous.