I'm an idiot (distant) husband.

[Ronni_W]

BIG hugs, ^5. Like I cautioned, it really is arduous, torturous, etc. And yes, sometimes it will feel that you are losing both, the battle and the war. You will feel depleted and exhausted...and alone if you're not careful about rallying your 'troops', focusing on the positives, and being gentle with yourself.

 

Yes, as you say, your fearful thoughts and automatic impulses likely are coming from 'schoolboy'. But you really do have a very nice 2-way communication going on with 'Inner Voice'...perhaps you can just be aware to take the time to listen, because you do seem to be able to distinguish them quite easily (when you take the time, and don't allow yourself to go into 'panic/crisis' mode without your prior approval .)

I also suggested that we should spend some time away together, but she said that she is not there, yet.

It's not about "suggesting" that you "should" -- there is NOTHING that she "should" be doing, at this point. It is about asking if she can envision it...give the power of the decision to her, and even then, without any pressure at all.

 

Instead of, "I want, I think, I need" ... "What do you think about ___ ?")

Ask a question instead of suggesting a solution, or offering an opinion. Ask for clarification, instead of jumping to a conclusion. Ask how she's feeling, instead of deciding how she "should" (or might) be feeling.

 

Similarly, when you are ready to reveal more of who you are (and are not), there are better ways than others, to let her know of the resources you have discovered, are finding valuable, are trying to put into practice, need extra help with, etc.

There is nothing incompetent or weak about knowing when we need assistance. There is everything responsible and competent about looking for and finding the type of help that we need, and using the information and tools we determine are most helpful.

 

And, honestly, I don't know how you are going to start showing your changes if you don't start dramatically changing the content of your conversations with her. Nor do I know HOW she will recognize the difference between 'schoolboy' and Highfive, if she is not aware that they are each from a very different source.

 

Sending good wishes and positive vibes.

 

PS: I feel as if I have been too hard on you sometimes, and way too "preachy" and giving lectures -- it's cos I care. I love happy people and uplifting marriages . So, I can't really apologize for my part. But don't take it 'negative'-personally, if you can help it, and just ignore it when it feels totally too burdensome.

[highfive]

And, honestly, I don't know how you are going to start showing your changes if you don't start dramatically changing the content of your conversations with her. Nor do I know HOW she will recognize the difference between 'schoolboy' and Highfive, if she is not aware that they are each from a very different source.

 

Sending good wishes and positive vibes.

 

PS: I feel as if I have been too hard on you sometimes, and way too "preachy" and giving lectures -- it's cos I care. I love happy people and uplifting marriages . So, I can't really apologize for my part. But don't take it 'negative'-personally, if you can help it, and just ignore it when it feels totally too burdensome.

 

Hey Ronni,

I think she will notice that I really am listening now because I won't miss things, and won't have to ask her to repeat herself.

 

Perhaps if I start reading a few of the self-help books while I am home? Subtle, but maybe effective.

 

No problem: To be kind, Inner Voice needs you to be cruel to Schoolboy!

 

[taylor]

Hello High Five,

 

Just read this entire thread. I can relate to your situation, or should I say, your wife's situation. I'd like to respond, but have some questions first.

 

Why does your wife feel the need to spend time away from you and the family? What reasons did she give you?

 

How much time away does she say she needs? An over-nighter, a weekend, a week, month?

 

You say you have been a distant husband, preoccuppied with work. Now, your wife appears to be distancing herself from you. When did you first sense her starting to pull away from you? And in what ways has she pulled away from you? What changes have you seen in her over time? What changes have you seen in how she relates to you?

 

What have been your wife's chief complaints? disappointments? frustrations? Not what YOU BELIEVE or SUSPECT to be the issues...just the ones she has openly, verbally expressed to you. Does she still express these complaints?

 

I'd like to respond to your thread, but would like a little more info first. Thanks.

[Ronni_W]

I think she will notice that I really am listening now because I won't miss things, and won't have to ask her to repeat herself.

Hey, ^5.

I've been thinking about my own situation, and what it would have taken for me to even be interested in "noticing" whether or not my (ex)husband was learning anything new at all. (Does that make sense?)

 

And you know what? -- The teeny-tiny, PASSIVE thing that you are proposing will, or counting on to, make all the difference in your marriage, just WON'T cut it. That is NOT ENOUGH, not by a long shot.

Yes, it is me projecting a real sense of 'doom & gloom' onto your wife's outlook but, to take for granted, or assume, a brighter picture about it right now, is not to YOUR advantage. (Does THAT make sense? .)

Though, I am also going by what you said, that you were met with 'indifference' -- I do believe I have a very good clue about what is going on internally, when one can give one's spouse 'indifference'.

 

So. It is about you acting TOTALLY out of what has become your 'usual' character as far as your wife is concerned. You almost need to be -- no, you DO need to be aggressive in how you present your NEW thoughts and insights. You need to MAKE her hear you, as ironic as that is. (And if you are open to this, we can discuss, if you need to, what kind of "aggressive" I mean -- how it looks, in practice.)

 

Do not EVER again say to her, "I understand how you feel." You need to be more specific. MUCH more specific. "I know that my attitude and behaviour has come across as if I don't give a shyte." "I understand that my words have had the effect of proving that I don't care about you."

 

Do not try to re-tell her, "I understand how you feel." (What were you thinking?) You MUST take your new insights to her, with a NEW vocabulary.

 

See? Here I am lecturing again . But, honestly. Sometimes that just has a much stronger impression than, "Please will you consider to not say ___ to her in the future?" (*I* feel a need to be more aggressive than that! .)

 

It's time to show your 'nads. YOU need to do it for yourself and your marriage. Passivity does not allow you to do it. Just using 'active listening skills' is easier than starting to express yourself in new ways. I know that. The latter needs courage and strength. But this isn't supposed to be easy on you. I promised "fun", but I didn't promise "easy" <grin>.

 

Thoughts, questions and fears?

[highfive]

Hello High Five,

 

Just read this entire thread. I can relate to your situation, or should I say, your wife's situation. I'd like to respond, but have some questions first.

 

Why does your wife feel the need to spend time away from you and the family? What reasons did she give you?

 

How much time away does she say she needs? An over-nighter, a weekend, a week, month?

 

You say you have been a distant husband, preoccuppied with work. Now, your wife appears to be distancing herself from you. When did you first sense her starting to pull away from you? And in what ways has she pulled away from you? What changes have you seen in her over time? What changes have you seen in how she relates to you?

 

What have been your wife's chief complaints? disappointments? frustrations? Not what YOU BELIEVE or SUSPECT to be the issues...just the ones she has openly, verbally expressed to you. Does she still express these complaints?

 

I'd like to respond to your thread, but would like a little more info first. Thanks.

 

Hello Taylor,

 

I have been away a lot lately, and my wife has had to deal with things at home on her own without me, and she is burnt out. She has said that she needs time away from the family, including me, to just relax at a spa for a few days.

 

First pulling away from me? Well, there have been up and downs for years (and now I realize that part of that was due to me being distant first), but over the last 2 months she has been more vocal about her unhappiness with me. Prior to that I though she was happy enough, just distant at times.

 

The last week she has been very distant, but I am just back, and today things seem a little better

 

Changes? Not calling me or talking with me as much, not as affectionate, not saying ILU, does not want to go out alone with me on "dates".

 

Her chief complaints? In order:

 

1. I don't listen to her
   
2. I am preoccupied with work and my own problems
   
3. I allow the Blackberry to interrupt our life
   
4. I'm not there even when I'm there
   
5. She has been alone too much
   

A few days ago she said that I am not really a friend anymore, because I don't seem to care. That really hurt . She has always been my best friend.

 

Looking forward to your response.

 

^5

[highfive]

Hey, ^5.

 

It's time to show your 'nads. YOU need to do it for yourself and your marriage. Passivity does not allow you to do it. Just using 'active listening skills' is easier than starting to express yourself in new ways. I know that. The latter needs courage and strength. But this isn't supposed to be easy on you. I promised "fun", but I didn't promise "easy" <grin>.

 

Thoughts, questions and fears?

 

Thanks, I know that I need to express myself in new ways, and I am starting to understand, but it is not clear yet, and I struggle for the right words. I don't know the right words to say.

 

She is still avoiding conversation with me, so there have not been that many opportunities for me to show that I am changing my attitude. I have told her that I am learning new listening skills, but I need to prove it. To start, I will need to rehearse my words, but I don't want to come across as "practiced".

[Kasan]

First pulling away from me? Well, there have been up and downs for years (and now I realize that part of that was due to me being distant first), but over the last 2 months she has been more vocal about her unhappiness with me. Prior to that I though she was happy enough, just distant at times.^5

 

The fact that she has been more vocal about her unhappiness is a good sign for your marriage.

 

It's usually when she stops vocalizing her unhappiness, that she has thrown in the "proverbial towel" on the marriage.

 

She has told you what she is unhappy about.............does she have a point?

[Ronni_W]

(This is important, too, but for your personal awareness & growth more than your marriage. Though your marriage also benefits when you have a positive self-image and greater self-acceptance.)

be cruel to Schoolboy!

You actually want to be loving yet firm, with Schoolboy. When you act cruelly towards him, you are also/just doing that to a part of your Self!

When you 'hate' him, you are hating your Self -- end up with feelings of guilt, unworthiness, self-criticism, self-doubt, etc. All of which = FEAR.

 

So...shower Schoolboy with love, understanding, forgiveness, acceptance and appreciation. It is not HIS fault that Highfive decided to go missing in action, leaving Schoolboy in charge...without any knowledge, skills or tools to properly or adequately do what needed to be done!

 

Schoolboy's ONLY job was to support and protect Highfive. (Not ^5's wife or kids or boss or parents.) And Schoolboy did an excellent job -- Highfive has, for a long time, been able to avoid/ignore his own shortcomings, weaknesses and dislikes, and some of his marital responsibilities (which was his deep-down, albeit unconscious, desire!)...all thanks to Schoolboy's heroic and Herculean efforts. So love him and appreciate him like crazy .

[Ronni_W]

She is still avoiding conversation with me, so there have not been that many opportunities for me to show that I am changing

STOP your passive, BS excuses and crap! Stop it IMMEDIATELY!!!

Hugs,

Ronni

[highfive]

The fact that she has been more vocal about her unhappiness is a good sign for your marriage.

 

It's usually when she stops vocalizing her unhappiness, that she has thrown in the "proverbial towel" on the marriage.

 

She has told you what she is unhappy about.............does she have a point?

 

She is unhappy because she feels alone and isolated

[Kasan]

She is unhappy because she feels alone and isolated

 

Does she have a point???

 

I know how she feels.............when I stopped complaining, I had given up hope that things would/could ever be different. I was ready to walk.

[highfive]

STOP your passive, BS excuses and crap! Stop it IMMEDIATELY!!!

Hugs,

Ronni

 

OK, I will express my New Self more aggressively soon, but Inner Voice says it is not quite time. I am not scared, I just know my wife, and I know that my words will fall on deaf ears today. Tomorrow might be better. I must keep it sweet and short, so can you suggest the first thing I should say?

 

I am thinking about this:

 

"I know that my attitude and behaviour has come across as if I don't care. Please believe me that I now truly understand that I have neglectful and distant to you. I am taking action to stop this now"

 

Comments / additions?

[highfive]

Does she have a point???

 

I know how she feels.............when I stopped complaining, I had given up hope that things would/could ever be different. I was ready to walk.

 

Point? That's about all she has said. She has not threatened to leave, just needs a few days. I think she wanted me to know that she is unhappy. She did not say that she wants me to change, but I sense that she does want me to change.

 

She does not complain a lot. When she does, I always listen carefully because I know that something is really bothering her.

[Ronni_W]

I am thinking about this:

"I know that my attitude and behaviour has come across as if I don't care. Please believe me that I now truly understand that I have neglectful and distant to you. I am taking action to stop this now"

I TOTALLY appreciate that you know SOME/MANY things about your wife. But I encourage you to leave open the space for you to see what you never knew and/or only assumed about her, and also a space for her 'new' to develop and then to reveal itself to you.

 

Possibly the only thing new in those 3 sentences that I've quoted, is the first one. Possibly. But mostly it is just sounding like the same old crap, to 'me'. And there are no specifics from which I can draw ANY hope and encouragement that my marriage actually is in the process of improving.

 

You need to start accessing and expressing your DEEPER truths. (Take a deep breath, if you will, please. I know how frustrating this can be.)

 

I was thinking that perhaps you ought to write it down, and just read it to her. If it is compelling enough, she will be drawn to listen, whether she consciously wants to, or not.

 

What is your truth about writing it down? -- you want to tell her that, upfront: "It's not that I want to get it "right" or that I just want to feed you with a whole bunch of new BS. It is that I have zero confidence in my ability to communicate with you on a more intimate level. And I sense that I'm running out of chances -- that's true, isn't it?"

At this point, look to her for a response...she will either say 'yes', 'no', or remain distant/indifferent. Whatever her response, it is fine. You just ask, "Is it okay for me to continue this now? Or do you want me to do it later? Or will you prefer to read it by yourself?" (You will, of course, have a separate copy to give to her in case she wants it -- one without the crib notes! .)

 

Worst case. She says, "I honestly don't give a shyte." But no matter what she says, you simply must go on.

"I have been arrogant to think that I ever understood what you were feeling." ('Arrogant' is NEW (is it?) Her curiosity will be piqued.) "Do you at least want to hear about that?" If she says 'no', you are done. Say, "Well, just in case you change your mind, here is the rest of what I wanted to say, anyway." You are done. We need to develop a new strategy.

If she says, 'yes' or 'I don't care', you continue: "Thanks (or, "Well, I'd appreciate it if you'll indulge me just a bit longer.) I really, finally heard you when you said I don't listen. And it is important to me. So I looked up some stuff on the internet, and it has helped me to see what a stupid thing it was, for me to say that to you...I never understood what you were feeling at all. I had no freaking clue.

"But I only recently did figure out what you might have been feeling -- is this anywhere close? <Then you repeat your insight, exactly the way you typed it here, about what you said versus what she heard.>"

 

You will, of course, use your own words as far as possible. But ask your questions at about the same spots (or even more frequently), is what I'd suggest. It wants to be an interaction, not a recitation or a 'presentation'.

 

And obviously it still needs a "preface" and an "ending". First, let me know how all of it is feeling for you. If it is something you think you want, and will be able, to do, write/post your preface and the ending. Practice. Practice. Practice. Ask questions about choice of words, intentions behind the words, etc. Ask me, but more importantly, ask yourself: What am I trying to convey? How would this sound, to her? What is my deeper truth about what I just wrote? Can I be more open/honest, here?

 

I'm gonna be out until much later. But..."I'll be back!"

 

And please...take another deep breath, if you will.

 

EDIT: That bolded bit up there -- is for YOU to understand to ask it, it is important to acknowledge where she is, emotionally -- NOT for you to use a "bold" tone when you are asking it!!!

[highfive]

Excellent, thanks. I will prepare a note that I will offer to read to her. If she does not want to hear it I will give her a copy. I'm very comfortable with that

[taylor]

Hello Taylor,

 

I have been away a lot lately, and my wife has had to deal with things at home on her own without me, and she is burnt out. She has said that she needs time away from the family, including me, to just relax at a spa for a few days.

 

First pulling away from me? Well, there have been up and downs for years (and now I realize that part of that was due to me being distant first), but over the last 2 months she has been more vocal about her unhappiness with me. Prior to that I though she was happy enough, just distant at times.

 

The last week she has been very distant, but I am just back, and today things seem a little better

 

Changes? Not calling me or talking with me as much, not as affectionate, not saying ILU, does not want to go out alone with me on "dates".

 

Her chief complaints? In order:

 

1. I don't listen to her
   
2. I am preoccupied with work and my own problems
   
3. I allow the Blackberry to interrupt our life
   
4. I'm not there even when I'm there
   
5. She has been alone too much
   

A few days ago she said that I am not really a friend anymore, because I don't seem to care. That really hurt . She has always been my best friend.

 

Looking forward to your response.

 

^5

 

I am not going to assume or suggest your wife has another man in her life. But I will say that if things don't turn around in your marriage, the potential for her to have an affair will increase substantially.

 

The fact that your wife is STILL expressing her unhappiness and complaining about unmet needs is a good sign. It means she still cares about you and your marriage.

 

But you also said she was INDIFFERENT to some of your suggestions and had NO DESIRE to spend time with you. These are very bad signs. These are precursors, red flags, alarm bells that she is on the verge of giving up on you and your marriage. She may be on the verge of walking away from it all. She may be in the process of shutting you out of her heart.

 

Once the door shuts, it's hard to open it back up.

 

Your marriage is at the same point mine was 15 months ago. The shut down in communication and emotional distance led to a conscious decision on my part to have an emotional affair with a coworker. The affair lasted 7 months and my husband and I have been in recovery for the past 6 months.

 

I hope that both you and your wife can resolve your marital issues before your marriage reaches this point. Both my husband and I regret every day that we allowed our marriage to get so weak and vulnerable that an affair was able to threaten it.

 

YOU are the glimmer of hope to save your marriage because you are willing to do the work and take the action necessary to save your marriage. You need to get your wife on board now.

 

If she is starting to shut down, walk away, pull away, turn away..you are going to need to be persistent in your efforts to turn her back around.

 

More in Part 2...

[taylor]

Part 2,

 

My husband was like you. He worked 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. Came home, ate dinner, and then spent another 3 hours on the computer doing work. I went up to bed alone every night for 3 years.

His cell phone never stopped ringing. Calls at 3 a.m., calls on Sunday, calls during dinner. He carried his laptop on every vacation. The phone rang while at the beach, amusement park, and concert.

He was constantly stressed out and exhausted. Nothing left to give at the end of the day.

 

My husband is a good man, as I am sure you are. He is also very successful in his career, as I am sure you are. But this kind of success can have detrimental effects on a marriage. The marriage and career begin to compete with each other. Often, the career wins out because the wife "seems happy enough." But over time, the happiness in the marriage erodes..becomes overgrown with weeds due to neglect.

 

I want to tell you how I felt just prior to commencing with the emotional affair I had. Perhaps it may shed a little light on how your wife may feel right now - some insight that may help you to understand her feelings and behavior. The following is an excerpt from a goodbye letter I wrote to the OM, telling him how he impacted my life:

 

"You met me at a time in my life when I wasn't feeling very good about myself. I had no self-esteem. I was very lonely. I felt empty inside. I felt like no one cared about me...like no one really needed me. I felt all alone...like I was drifting along every day not connected to anyone. It had been a long time since I had felt loved and a long time since I had felt in love. I felt like I had so much to give but no one was around to give it to. I felt like I had been let down and hurt so many times I built a wall around my heart to protect it. That only made me feel dead inside.

And then I met you. Somehow you found your way around that wall. For the first time in a long time I felt alive. I felt special. I felt desireable and beautiful. I felt like I mattered to someone. I felt needed.

For the first time in a long time, I was able to laugh and look forward to the sun coming up the next day..."

 

DON"T LET another man come into your wife's life to give her the things that she is yearning for. What is she yearning for:

 

1. A positive self-image. Self-esteem, admiration, appreciation, respect.

 

2. Emotional connection. She needs to be able to share her feelings with you and have you do the same back. She needs to know you need this as much as her.

 

3. Time. It's the most important gift you can give her. It tells her she is important. She needs to know you want this time with her as much as she wants it.

 

4. Desirability - She is a woman after all. She needs to know you desire her and find her desireable. She needs to know you need her.

 

More on these four points in Part 3...

[highfive]

Excellent, thanks Taylor. Your husband and I sound similar, except that I rarely let my wife go to bed alone at night. I am also always very affectionate, when I am home .

[taylor]

I can only speak of what I know has worked in my marriage to get my husband and I both back on track.

 

1. Sit your wife down and have a heart-to-heart talk with her. You both need to acknowledge that your marriage is in serious trouble. Make it very clear to her that you do not want to lose her or your marriage. Tell her that you need her..that you don't want to live the rest of your life without her. Tell her you are committed to turning your marriage around. Ask her for the same committment.

 

2. Check out a communication-based marital recovery program called Retrouvaille. It teaches couples how to emotionally connect with their own feelings as well as each other's feelings. And it teaches you how to effectively communicate these feelings to your spouse. It's an extremely worthwhile "getaway" weekend program.

 

3. Your wife needs to know that you WANT to spend time with her because you enjoy being around her...you DESIRE her....not because it's what you know she wants. No one wants to feel like someone is spending time with them out of obligation or necessity.

 

And the time you spend must be quality time. Not pencilled in around appointments and other committments. Not at the end of the night when there's nothing else going on. Not in between calls to or from the office. She needs to know you don't want anything taking away from your time with her.

 

Let her know you NEED time with her...that YOU are craving it. Call her often when you are apart to tell her you miss her..tell her you can't wait to spend time with her. Shuffle your other obligations around or toss a few by the wayside to let her know she comes first.

 

One of the first ways a woman knows a man is "into" her is by the amount of time he wants to spend with her. Remember that. She needs to feel you are "into" her.

 

4. Once you've committed to giving your marriage TIME, work on getting that connection back. Alot has been said on this post about listening to your wife. YES, it is paramount. Train your brain to shut out everything else when talking to your wife. Remember when you were first getting to know your wife and you hung on each other's words? That's what you need to do now. You let her know you are interested in HER if you show interest in what she is saying. So put the phone/newspaper/remote down, make eye contact (very important) and talk to your wife.

 

What do you talk about? Minimize the talk about cleaning the gutters, what's for dinner, and the neighbor's new car/dog/etc. Don't focus on talk about the kids, either. The kids don't spend their time talking about the two of you, so don't you do it either. Rediscover your wife..her likes, dislikes, her favorite movie, a new song she likes, perhaps a new hobby she's started, her wishes, her dreams, her fears. Perhaps you talked to your wife about these things when you first met. Do it again. Things may have changed. You may just find out some things about her you never knew.

 

Get in touch with your own feelings. My husband had a hard time talking about feelings/emotions. Most guys do. But it's these feelings, emotions and thoughts that will make her feel connected to you.

 

5. Take a good look at your wife. What do you see that you like or admire about her? Then tell her. Especially tell her how she makes you feel. This way she will know she is making an impact on you. It will make her feel good about herself.

 

6. By all means, let your wife know you desire her. Let her know you need her. You can't live without her. Let her know how she makes you feel when she is around you. Show her with your words and your affection. Flirt with her. Tell her you need and want to spend time alone with her. Romance her. Chase her. Make her feel like a woman.

 

It may take some persistence on your part to get your wife to come around, especially if she is starting to shut you out. Be patient. Don't give up.

 

For your marriage to turn around, ultimately and eventually she will have to come on board. It takes two to make a marriage work.

 

I hope even a small amount of this may prove helpful to you. Good Luck, high five.

[taylor]

OK, I will express my New Self more aggressively soon, but Inner Voice says it is not quite time. I am not scared, I just know my wife, and I know that my words will fall on deaf ears today. Tomorrow might be better. I must keep it sweet and short, so can you suggest the first thing I should say?

 

I am thinking about this:

 

"I know that my attitude and behaviour has come across as if I don't care. Please believe me that I now truly understand that I have neglectful and distant to you. I am taking action to stop this now"

 

Comments / additions?

 

High Five,

 

You sound like a self-improvement project, giving your wife updates on the "new" you. This isn't what she wants to hear.

 

You are apologizing for your behavior. She's heard it all before.

 

I turned a deaf ear to my husband as well..for months. He couldn't penetrate my heart no matter how hard he tried.

 

You know what finally turned it all around..what shook me to the core..made me open my heart back up to him..see him in a new light?

 

The day he lay on the bed curled in a ball telling me he was dying inside.

 

For the first time in a long, long time, I FELT him. He touched my soul.

 

Do you understand what I am telling you here?

[taylor]

One last point to make and then I will leave you alone;)

 

If your wife will acknowledge your marriage is troubled and commit to turning it around with you, it may serve you both well to seek marriage counseling and individual counseling.

 

There is debate whether IC is productive or counter-productive to marriage recovery.

 

Personally, IC has helped me tremendously.

 

My husband and I started our recovery with MC, but the therapist was quick to ascertain that what was causing most of the unhappiness and unrest in our marriage actually stemmed from personal issues within me...NOT THE MARRIAGE ITSELF.

 

Your wife may be blaming you, your life together, or your marriage for her personal unhappiness. But she may need to look deeper within herself at other issues that may be causing unhappiness in her life. Perhaps some truths that she hasn't been willing to face or issues she is denying. A therapist can help her get to the root cause of her unhappiness..and it may not be your marriage per se. The state of your marriage may just be another source of her unhappiness, but not the main cause.

 

Ultimately, your wife is responsible for her own personal happiness and fulfillment. You can be a source of happiness and you can share in her happiness, but you can't be the sole provider of her happiness. A therapist can help your wife explore ways to help her build self-esteem independent of you.

 

You know the old expression, "You have to love yourself before you can love another."

 

IC may also help you to get in touch with your feelings better and find better ways to express those feelings. My husband came from a large family with a domineering mother. Children were taught to be quiet and respectful. He grew up engrained with the idea that to be "good" you repress your feelings..don't rock the boat..don't talk about your desires..don't express your opinions if different from everyone else's.

 

My husband has come a long way in being able to freely express his deepest emotions. It has helped us immensely to reconnect emotionally.

 

You sound like a task master with a long to-do list. My husband is, too. He learned in IC that it's OK not to get the to do list done. He has learned to value and appreciate "down" time. He is even starting to look forward to it.

 

I admire your effort. It's easy to see you really do love your wife. I wish you both all the best.

[Ronni_W]

I will prepare a note that I will offer to read to her. If she does not want to hear it I will give her a copy.

Good luck, my good man!

TELL her that you now know how much you used to rely on BS. TELL her the specific actions you took. TELL her the specifics of your new awareness. TELL her the specific topics you intend to 'study'.

GIVE HER HOPE, not just another big heaping of generalized BS. Give her something tangible and genuine and, with hope, she will see that just maybe you actually know what you're talking about, this time; that you're telling the truth, this time. Give her something to help her start trusting and believing in you and your words, again.

Good luck.

[highfive]

Thanks Ronni and Taylor,

 

I am writing my letter, and perhaps I'll post some of it here before I give it to her.

 

I have been reading this post, and Taylor's list. I now realize that I have been an OK husband in many ways, even when I am preoccupied. I am almost always affectionate, say ILY many times each day, often ask to spend time with her, tell and show her that she is very desirable (perhaps too often ), initiate dates, and give her compliments on a regular basis.

 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not kidding myself; I know that I am responsible for a great deal of damage that I am now committed to repairing. Its just that I should remember and continue the positive things that I do, to give me hope and make my marriage much better and solid: To be the best husband that I can be.

Make sense?

[Ronni_W]

...I should remember and continue the positive things that I do...

...ONLY as long as they are not being met with indifference! One instance of indifference ought to be enough for you to KNOW not to do/say that particular thing in the same way, again.

To doggedly, stubbornly keep doing it, just cos it (may have) worked for you and/or her in the past, is simply to invite her current-day contempt for you, your words and your actions.

 

I should like it better if you were to find your hope in your current insights, understandings, efforts and actions. But, of course you are free to choose the sources of your own inspiration and motivation .

[highfive]

...ONLY as long as they are not being met with indifference! One instance of indifference ought to be enough for you to KNOW not to do/say that particular thing in the same way, again.

To doggedly, stubbornly keep doing it, just cos it (may have) worked for you and/or her in the past, is simply to invite her current-day contempt for you, your words and your actions.

 

I should like it better if you were to find your hope in your current insights, understandings, efforts and actions. But, of course you are free to choose the sources of your own inspiration and motivation .

 

I do find great hope in my current insights, etc, but I do also find strength from the positive things that I was doing; they give me added hope because I know that they were natural and from the heart, and they were not met with indifference until only recently.