I'm an idiot (distant) husband.

[giotto]

 

Present Libido Imbalance: My libido is about where it always has been, about 8 on a scale of 1 to 10. My wife's libido is presently about a 3 out of 10, hence the issue. My challenge was to learn not to take this personally. We are now emotionally very close, she is affectionate, and says I Love You often, but her sex-drive is dimishing. This is not her fault, or mine! I am now convinced that it is due to nature! This makes talking about sex a lot easier because I don't blame her, and I don't want to make her feel guilty.

 

Comments?

 

Happy new year all!

 

^5

 

well, great! She has you exactly where she wanted you... You are nice to her and easy to live with, you are confident and happy... so, she doesn't have to put up with your grumpiness any more... but guess what? Still no sex... believe me, you can try what you want... she'll never change.

 

Obvioulsy, something happened in your marriage at some point and she can't get past it... She never will. Women have a long memory and your wife is the perfect example, like my wife. After all these years (and despite what my wife tells me face to face), I've learned one thing: if a woman doesn't want to have sex with you (or rarely), and everything else seems to be ok in the relationship, the reason is simple: she is not attracted to you anymore. And I don't mean just physically - you can be the best looking man in the world - but also and mainly as a person...

[highfive]

well, great! She has you exactly where she wanted you... You are nice to her and easy to live with, you are confident and happy... so, she doesn't have to put up with your grumpiness any more... but guess what? Still no sex... believe me, you can try what you want... she'll never change.

 

Obvioulsy, something happened in your marriage at some point and she can't get past it... She never will. Women have a long memory and your wife is the perfect example, like my wife. After all these years (and despite what my wife tells me face to face), I've learned one thing: if a woman doesn't want to have sex with you (or rarely), and everything else seems to be ok in the relationship, the reason is simple: she is not attracted to you anymore. And I don't mean just physically - you can be the best looking man in the world - but also and mainly as a person...

 

Thanks Giotto,

 

You could be right, but I should add that we do have sex, perhaps even more often now , its just that she does not initiate (she doesn't have to, I always do), and I can tell that her libido was waned. I have asked her about this, and she says that it's not me, she just doesn't feel sexy or attractive anymore. She is very attractive and sexy, and I tell her so frequently. From this post, recall that our daughter was ill (very much better now), and I know this has a very deep troubling impact on my wife (me too).

 

Add up all the factors from the last 18 months: Distant/insecure/needy husband (now new and improved), sick teenage daughter (now 95% recovered) and mid-life age / approaching menopause (the signs are there), and its no wonder that her sex drive has diminished! At one time, when I was insecure and needy, I did take the libido mismatch personally, but have learned not to, and when we talk about it I don't blame or accuse, and guess what? We are getting along better than we have in years!

 

I'm human, so at times of stress, I sometimes revert (internally) to my previous school-boy self, but I have learned to acknowledge when this is happening, and bite-my-tongue until it passes .

 

Sure, of course, its not perfect, I would love for her to be more interested in sex, but she does respond when I initiate, and I have come to the conclusion that I'm not about to throw away almost 20 years of marriage, and my family, just because of a libido mismatch!

[giotto]

 

Sure, of course, its not perfect, I would love for her to be more interested in sex, but she does respond when I initiate, and I have come to the conclusion that I'm not about to throw away almost 20 years of marriage, and my family, just because of a libido mismatch!

 

sorry to get a bit personal, but often do you have sex? How often did you have sex in the past? And does she always respond? Does she have sex "with a smile on her face", so to speak? You don't have to answer, obviously, but it would help me to get a better picture... Maybe you've already said all these things, but I don't think I can go through 17 pages again...

[Ronni_W]

I should add that we do have sex, perhaps even more often now , its just that she does not initiate

So basically, your current kvetch is that EVERY TINY LITTLE DETAIL of your life isn't EXACTLY as YOU want it to be? Is that about right, highfive? Or even, is it a remote possibility?

 

If you truly accepted that your wife's "waning libido" really is just the natural result of her aging process, then you wouldn't have to write, "and I can tell that her libido was waned."

 

Maybe it's just time for you to stop wanting-expecting "perfect", and to start forgiving your wife for being human and having limitations (like not feeling comfortable initiating sex, like experiencing a waning libido)?

 

she says that ... she just doesn't feel sexy or attractive anymore.

Your telling her that she is -- in fact, what you're doing there is arguing with her own self-image(!) -- is more likely to make her feel worse. Cos now she's also dealing with an idiot husband who won't even let her feel what she's feeling; who thinks he can control her self-feelings with his words. ON TOP OF having to deal with her self-image that is telling her she's unsexy and unattractive.

 

If it's in your budget, gift her with a belly dancing course. Don't ask her, just gift her. Tell her it is one thing you could think of, that might help her feel sexier. Tell her if she has no interest, no problem...it was well worth the money to you...her positive self-image is much more important to you.

Then ask her what, if anything, you can do to help her feel better about herself.

[mem11363]

Ronni,

Let him answer Giotto's questions before you hammer him. More clarity will help quite a bit. I do think the dancing gift is a great idea.

 

I also think the entirety of this comes down to: Is she willing to play with him in a manner that lets him gradually get her warmed up so that it IS fun for her as well. Because if she does - then this problem is 100 percent him. If she isn't able/willing to let him get her to enjoy this as well - that is troubling and it may or may not be a purely physical thing on her part or something that is possibly fixable to both their benefit.

 

 

 

So basically, your current kvetch is that EVERY TINY LITTLE DETAIL of your life isn't EXACTLY as YOU want it to be? Is that about right, highfive? Or even, is it a remote possibility?

 

If you truly accepted that your wife's "waning libido" really is just the natural result of her aging process, then you wouldn't have to write, "and I can tell that her libido was waned."

 

Maybe it's just time for you to stop wanting-expecting "perfect", and to start forgiving your wife for being human and having limitations (like not feeling comfortable initiating sex, like experiencing a waning libido)?

 

Your telling her that she is -- in fact, what you're doing there is arguing with her own self-image(!) -- is more likely to make her feel worse. Cos now she's also dealing with an idiot husband who won't even let her feel what she's feeling; who thinks he can control her self-feelings with his words. ON TOP OF having to deal with her self-image that is telling her she's unsexy and unattractive.

 

If it's in your budget, gift her with a belly dancing course. Don't ask her, just gift her. Tell her it is one thing you could think of, that might help her feel sexier. Tell her if she has no interest, no problem...it was well worth the money to you...her positive self-image is much more important to you.

Then ask her what, if anything, you can do to help her feel better about herself.

[highfive]

So basically, your current kvetch is that EVERY TINY LITTLE DETAIL of your life isn't EXACTLY as YOU want it to be? Is that about right, highfive? Or even, is it a remote possibility?

 

If you truly accepted that your wife's "waning libido" really is just the natural result of her aging process, then you wouldn't have to write, "and I can tell that her libido was waned."

 

Maybe it's just time for you to stop wanting-expecting "perfect", and to start forgiving your wife for being human and having limitations (like not feeling comfortable initiating sex, like experiencing a waning libido)?

 

Your telling her that she is -- in fact, what you're doing there is arguing with her own self-image(!) -- is more likely to make her feel worse. Cos now she's also dealing with an idiot husband who won't even let her feel what she's feeling; who thinks he can control her self-feelings with his words. ON TOP OF having to deal with her self-image that is telling her she's unsexy and unattractive.

 

If it's in your budget, gift her with a belly dancing course. Don't ask her, just gift her. Tell her it is one thing you could think of, that might help her feel sexier. Tell her if she has no interest, no problem...it was well worth the money to you...her positive self-image is much more important to you.

Then ask her what, if anything, you can do to help her feel better about herself.

 

 

Hi Ronni. Thanks for your comments - point taken on all counts.

 

The belly dancing course is an excellent idea.

[highfive]

sorry to get a bit personal, but often do you have sex? How often did you have sex in the past? And does she always respond? Does she have sex "with a smile on her face", so to speak? You don't have to answer, obviously, but it would help me to get a better picture... Maybe you've already said all these things, but I don't think I can go through 17 pages again...

 

Hi Giotto,

 

No problem, I can answer your questions.

 

We have sex about 2 times per week on average. This is probably the average, about the same, for the last 10 years, with some colder and hotter spells . Before the children, the average was more like 3 times per week.

 

She always responds to massage, and seems happy enough once we get going. She does not usually orgasm with intercourse, but I always offer to stimulate her manually or orally, but she is seldom interested; about once or twice every month or so.

 

Yes, 17+ pages is getting a bit long!

Edited January 11, 2010 by highfive

[mem11363]

She is a good wife. She loves you. Her lack of sexual arousal is likely a combination of things - suffice to say the fact she makes the effort for you and she IS making an effort says a LOT about her as a wife. For clarity - when I said "enjoy" I meant it. If she doesn't make you feel like a parasite when she can't / won't O - if she gives with a kind heart - THAT is what matters most.

 

The lack of lust can be any combo of:

- age/hormones

- her self image

- the sameness of the activity

- your behavior patterns in the day/days before

- your KIDS behavior patterns in the day/days before

- other people in her social networks interaction with her

 

The fact she connects with you even when she won't/can't hit an O is a very giving / loving act. I think it is the ultimate act of love - but thats just my opinion.

 

 

 

Hi Giotto,

 

No problem, I can answer your questions.

 

We have sex about 2 times per week on average. This is probably the average, about the same, for the last 10 years, with some colder and hotter spells . Before the children, the average was more like 3 times per week.

 

She always responds to massage, and seems happy enough once we get going. She does not usually orgasm with intercourse, but I always offer to stimulate her manually or orally, but she is seldom interested; about once or twice every month or so.

 

Yes, 17+ pages is getting a bit long!

[2sunny]

i definitely think she would be more motivated to enjoy and participate in sex if she was to orgasm every time. what about a vibrator? i would introduce it and use it to be sure she gets there. that way she'll be more motivated to participate.

[mem11363]

Might work

 

i definitely think she would be more motivated to enjoy and participate in sex if she was to orgasm every time. what about a vibrator? i would introduce it and use it to be sure she gets there. that way she'll be more motivated to participate.

[giotto]

She does not usually orgasm with intercourse...

 

 

She doesn't? She never did? From the beginning?

[highfive]

She doesn't? She never did? From the beginning?

 

No, she does not normally, never did, right from the beginning. She talks openly about this.

 

Apparently this is not unusual, many women report the same condition. External stimulation is required.

[giotto]

No, she does not normally, never did, right from the beginning. She talks openly about this.

 

Apparently this is not unusual, many women report the same condition. External stimulation is required.

 

mut have been quite frustrating for you? Or you just got used to it?

Sorry about all these personal questions...

[2sunny]

No, she does not normally, never did, right from the beginning. She talks openly about this.

 

Apparently this is not unusual, many women report the same condition. External stimulation is required.

 

ok, so at least you know what is required to get her there. make sure she has this experience every time you have sex... make sure she is satisfied before you begin to think of being finished.

 

she will be more motivated for sex if the pleasure part is guaranteed. and don't hold back on the touching - before and after sex. small gestures mean everything.

[highfive]

ok, so at least you know what is required to get her there. make sure she has this experience every time you have sex... make sure she is satisfied before you begin to think of being finished.

 

she will be more motivated for sex if the pleasure part is guaranteed. and don't hold back on the touching - before and after sex. small gestures mean everything.

 

Thanks 2Sunny,

 

Following a long massage, I always initiate or offer to make sure she gets there first, before intercourse, but she usually declines, stating that she does not always need to orgasm to enjoy it.

 

Come to think of it, this is a main point of stress, at least for me: After her massage, I offer and gently insist to get her there, she declines, we make love, I finish, she usually does not, I offer to get her there, she declines, I feel badly that she is "short-changed", she seems OK.

 

I know there will probably be some comments about this .

[WalkInThePark]

I think you are frustrated because your wife seems to approach sex more like a chore then like something she really needs and likes. I know everyone is different but I am a woman and it is very rare that I don't want to reach an O when I have sex. I would have to be extremely tired.

From what you write, I get the feeling that your wife is not very interested in sex, and does not feel sexual. I think that she gives you sex because she does not want you to complain about it but she does not really want/need it.

 

BTW, perimenopause does not necessarily lead to a decline in libido. My libido is as strong as it has always been and I intend to keep it that way. I am single but if I would have a relationship, sex would be an important part of it.

[2sunny]

Thanks 2Sunny,

 

Following a long massage, I always initiate or offer to make sure she gets there first, before intercourse, but she usually declines, stating that she does not always need to orgasm to enjoy it.

 

Come to think of it, this is a main point of stress, at least for me: After her massage, I offer and gently insist to get her there, she declines, we make love, I finish, she usually does not, I offer to get her there, she declines, I feel badly that she is "short-changed", she seems OK.

 

I know there will probably be some comments about this .

 

stop "offering" just do it. take the lead! be the man! ; - )

[PrettyinInk]

actions speak louder than words.

[highfive]

stop "offering" just do it. take the lead! be the man! ; - )

 

Thanks 2sunny. My "offering" is, actually, purely physical movement(s) toward manual or oral stimulation, following a long massage.

[2sunny]

i would never get into "habits" in a long term marriage. skip the massage - give her wild, raw sex - try new things, different things - different positions and places. let it all be new and exciting again.

[Ronni_W]

We have sex about 2 times per week on average. ... Before the children, the average was more like 3 times per week.

Highfive,

Forgive my directness. Are you sure you're not dealing with a different aspect of School Boy?

 

You don't have to answer any of this publicly, if you don't want to. But.

If you go deep, deep down (no...deeper than that! ), what are you telling yourself about the fact that your wife does not initiate sex with you? What meaning are you giving to her lack of that specific action?

 

I'm thinking...I'm wondering if you are making it mean something about your own sexiness, attractiveness and vitality?

 

I suspect you know, intellectually, that sex "about 2 times per week" is a freaking excellent average. Or do you know that? Do you know that there are women and men across the globe who would give their, er, right hands for sex "about 2 times per week"???

In any case, I do believe that you are intelligent enough to know that, on a conscious level.

 

So. What is up with this "it's not enough" thing that you've got going on there? It's NOT quantity. In your earlier, it seemed to be about her not initiating.

If she initiated, would that somehow make you feel sexier, more attractive, more vibrant, more youthful? Cos that is not her...that is a different aspect of School Boy.

[highfive]

Hi Ronni

 

Thanks for your reply. I don't have to look too deep to find the answer: yes, if she would initiate I would feel much better about myself. I realize that it is not her responsibily to make me feel good about myself. I know this is too much about me but I can't help but long for the time when she was more proactive, because I felt an intense and strong connection with her and I would be high for days!

 

I love her very much and just want her to be into me as much as I am into her. I know she expresses her love in other ways and I'm a very lucky man but I would love some intensity on her part. It was there not so very long ago.

 

I do know, however, that I should focus more on making her feel better about herself, for her sake, and that will be my focus from now on.

 

Edited January 12, 2010 by highfive

[Ronni_W]

just want her to be into me as much as I am into her.

^5, what if I said that she is MORE into you than you are into her? What if I told you that your wife is SO MUCH MORE into you than you could even imagine being into her?

 

What if the problem is more that you cannot find it in yourself to accept how much she is into you? That you don't feel that you are worthy and deserving of having such a good woman be as into you as she really and truly is?

 

I do believe, ^5, that your wife is SO MUCH MORE into you than you could even imagine being into her.

[highfive]

Whoa Ronni! I'd be very surprised and elated to discover this, but somehow I can't believe it!

[Ronni_W]

Whoa Ronni! I'd be very surprised and elated to discover this, but somehow I can't believe it!

Believe it, chum!

 

And then start looking for the evidence to support your new belief.

You WILL find all the evidence that you will need. I will guarantee you that.

 

Wager whatever you want -- I'll guarantee you that you can believe that your wife is more into you than you could ever imagine being into her, and that you WILL find enough evidence to satisfy yourself.

 

If you believe it, and genuinely start looking for your supporting evidence -- wager whatever you want. If, in the next 4 to 6 weeks you don't start having SOLID evidence, then I will deliver the wager to your personally.

 

I am seriously that confident about this.