I'm an idiot (distant) husband.

[2sunny]

i am concerned at her lack of responsiveness.

 

most women that ask for the changes that she has - then see some movement by the other spouse - would show more enthusiasm when the changes are occurring in order to encourage the spouse to continue moving forward with positive results.

 

the fact that she's not really encouraging you and reacting in a more positive way to you concerns me.

[carhill]

This was a factor for us in MC and continues to be. Change can be a positive thing and efforts are a valuable part of the process. This is another instance of where desire for and style of communication is important, IMO. Each person likes to be heard and valued.

 

Stay positive, for sure. I'm going to also advise you to set clear boundaries when and where you feel unappreciated for your efforts. If/when you do, say that "I feel unappreciated" or "I'm working hard to change and need to know that it matters to you and hear that from you".

 

I find, although my wife gets mad at me more, she respects me more when I set such boundaries. Respect is a good thing

[highfive]

i am concerned at her lack of responsiveness.

 

most women that ask for the changes that she has - then see some movement by the other spouse - would show more enthusiasm when the changes are occurring in order to encourage the spouse to continue moving forward with positive results.

 

the fact that she's not really encouraging you and reacting in a more positive way to you concerns me.

 

Dunno, maybe she has not acknowledged my changes, maybe she needs more time before she believes that I am really making an effort.

 

[2sunny]

Dunno, maybe she has not acknowledged my changes, maybe she needs more time before she believes that I am really making an effort.

 

 

are your changes enough for her to even notice - or are you just trying to make it seem like you're making changes - and they are waaaay too subtle for her to see that it should make a difference?

 

if she can't tell the difference - then you really aren't trying hard enough to change things.

 

try something drastically different than you normally would - and see if it gets a reaction out of her! positive or negative! at this point you can at least say to her afterwards that at least she's still breathing and has SOME response to you.

[Ronni_W]

Yes, I am making positive changes

Highfive,

2Sunny is exactly right about insufficient and too-subtle changes. You cannot afford to be patient with yourself, about that. (I know you meant that you must be patient with your wife...but it seems to be translating into making you too complacent.)

 

Your tendency to not hear what is actually being said to you, and to over-ride that with your own spin (interpretation) is still VERY ACTIVE, as evidenced by your post #119. (Which is why I'd suggested to go back and try to find out what is maintaining that tendency of yours. YOU need to get to the bottom of that, once and for all. I would assume you'd WANT to do that sooner than later.)

 

That you held on to your letter until you guys were actually involved in a bit of a 'tussle' is also indicative of you not taking the initiative and CREATING better opportunities for yourself -- you are STILL being reactive.

 

Your positive changes are happening mostly in your own mind...and you are STILL just giving your wife more of the 'same old, same old', albeit with a bit more internal awareness.

[highfive]

(Where is the 'real-time chat' button?)

 

Instead of "I have been an idiot" ... "I have been neglectful, emotionally unavailable, and taking your love for granted. I told myself BS excuses, and I expected them to satisfy you, too." (Let her know what you know; that you DO have a deeper understanding the REAL, underlying issues that you need to improve.)

 

Instead of "I am to blame" ... "I have so much to make amends for, and I will appreciate it if you will allow me to do that. I'd like the chance, and I am aware of the consequences if I blow it, this time." (Just taking the blame isn't saying anything new...it's not showing your awareness or that you intend to DO anything new, about it.)

 

"I am quite uneasy ...I am concerned"

Expressing these sentiments need extra care. We don't want to turn it around so it becomes about YOUR needs, but we also do want to express your FEAR. Work on something like:

Now that I am really STARTING to understand the situation between us, I am finally smart enough to know that you could be very closing to leaving me. That scares me. And yet I know I am responsible. I honestly don't know if you have any more understanding and patience and forgiveness to give me. All I can do is hope and pray that you do.

 

Are you getting what you'd be trying to express there? (Hope so, cos I can't really put it into words .)

 

Hi Ronni, thanks again for all concern and suggestions.

 

Perhaps I have not conveyed it well enough here, but I have changed the way I express things to her, just as you suggested above. Among other things, I said that I now finally realize that I have been neglectful, and taking her for granted, and that I am taking real solid action.

 

I'm confused again. What am I missing exactly?

 

The letter? Things were improving and I had plans to give it to her during a date that she suggested we have in a few days, but family turmoil (children) sparked a poor mood and the tussle started.

[highfive]

are your changes enough for her to even notice - or are you just trying to make it seem like you're making changes - and they are waaaay too subtle for her to see that it should make a difference?

 

if she can't tell the difference - then you really aren't trying hard enough to change things.

 

try something drastically different than you normally would - and see if it gets a reaction out of her! positive or negative! at this point you can at least say to her afterwards that at least she's still breathing and has SOME response to you.

 

Hi 2sunny. The changes are not too subtle but I am sure I could turn it up to get a reaction. I just can't think of anything NEW I could do right now In the past I have done many different romantic things, surprise gifts, special outings, surprise weekend getaways, and they all seemed to go well until recently. I am REALLY paying attention now, listening to every word, putting everything else on hold and making myself available exclusively to her. All I can do is keep trying and hope that she comes around. I would love to try something new and different but my mind is blank. Any ideas?

[taylor]

Just when I thought things had improved, we had a discussion today and she told me again of her feelings of isolation and abandonment. I expressed that I understand how I hurt her by not listening and that I was taking action, but she did not want to hear it. She did say that she understood that I was very busy with work, and that it was not my fault, but I told her that was no excuse for my actions.

 

I gave her time to vent and some good things were discussed, but she said her self esteem is very low. I know I share some of the blame but I think there are other things at work here. She says she has no friends, no job and feels that she has not accomplished anything. I tried my best to reassure her but I don't think it helped.

 

I am worried sick. How can I help her?

 

Not a good day...

 

Your wife needs to find a job outside the home. It will solve a lot of her dissatisfaction with her life.

 

A job will help her find a sense of self worth. It will keep her busy and challenged so she won't be bored. Being around other people will rid her of that feeling of "isolation." A change of scenery will give her a more positive attitude.

 

At home, she sees the same four walls, she does the same thing all day, and she sees no one except the kids. No wonder she wants to get away!

 

I have nothing against volunteerism. I volunteer myself in many capacities BUT your wife needs more than that. She needs a job that will stimulate her, challenge her. Something she HAS to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house for every day...a purpose..something important...something that demands her time and energy and input.

 

She can do some volunteering on the side, if she has time from her busy schedule.

 

I'm just guessing here, but based on what you have said, it sounds like your wife has an inner personal turmoil going on that she is trying to resolve..and I don't think it's you or your marriage. I think it has far more to do with what she needs to do with her life now to make herself happy.

 

A job outside the home will be a good start.

 

Help her dust off that resume and explore career options with her. Don't push too hard, though. Follow her lead. She's still working this all out in her own head.

 

Oh, and let her go to the spa. Sounds like she does need a little break away to think and relax. She will be grateful you gave her this time to regroup and she may have some answers when she comes back.

[highfive]

Your wife needs to find a job outside the home. It will solve a lot of her dissatisfaction with her life.

 

A job will help her find a sense of self worth. It will keep her busy and challenged so she won't be bored. Being around other people will rid her of that feeling of "isolation." A change of scenery will give her a more positive attitude.

 

At home, she sees the same four walls, she does the same thing all day, and she sees no one except the kids. No wonder she wants to get away!

 

I have nothing against volunteerism. I volunteer myself in many capacities BUT your wife needs more than that. She needs a job that will stimulate her, challenge her. Something she HAS to get up, get dressed, and get out of the house for every day...a purpose..something important...something that demands her time and energy and input.

 

She can do some volunteering on the side, if she has time from her busy schedule.

 

I'm just guessing here, but based on what you have said, it sounds like your wife has an inner personal turmoil going on that she is trying to resolve..and I don't think it's you or your marriage. I think it has far more to do with what she needs to do with her life now to make herself happy.

 

A job outside the home will be a good start.

 

Help her dust off that resume and explore career options with her. Don't push too hard, though. Follow her lead. She's still working this all out in her own head.

 

Oh, and let her go to the spa. Sounds like she does need a little break away to think and relax. She will be grateful you gave her this time to regroup and she may have some answers when she comes back.

 

 

Thanks. I agree with you 100%. A job would help her a great deal. I've always been very proactive in helping her look for work.

 

Spa? Yes, excellent idea.

[Ronni_W]

Perhaps I have not conveyed it well enough here,

(((hugs)))

The thing is, if you are "not conveying it well enough" HERE...that is your good clue that you likely are not conveying it well enough ANYWHERE (and her lack of positive response is confirming it for you, that you are not conveying it well enough to her, but you are ignoring/denying/not accepting the signs.)

 

The letter? You chose to WAIT for what you expected/suspected would be a "good time" instead of just SHOWING your new initiative (aka, actually SHOWING a positive change.)

And as a result of YOUR LACK of creating your own 'magic moment', you chose a really bad moment...that is, when you were already embroiled in a tussle (the cause of which is completely irrelevant for your own purposes.)

 

I'm guessing the tussle caused you concern and you started to 'worry' -- which resulted in you reacting from a fear-based place, which is going to drive her further and further away. Self-sabotaging, is what that is called.

 

You CAN change that dynamic but only if you are willing to start being proactive. Had you found the courage, a week ago, to introduce the letter when things between you were more calm and relaxed, you would have created a love-based environment that MAY have been more supportive of your own goals...she may have been in a better position to respond lovingly to your gesture. You didn't give her that chance.

 

The changes are not too subtle but I am sure I could turn it up to get a reaction.

 

Don't BS yourself about that. What evidence/signs are you seeing, that they are not too subtle? Are they not obviously too subtle for your wife -- cos she doesn't appear to be seeing anything new. What part of you would prefer for this not to be true, and why is it preferring that? You do need to turn it up A LOT...with the hope of it being enough for her to give you a loving/appreciative response, not a reaction.

And of course, you also need to hear what you are listening to.

 

 

2sunny suggested that you encourage your wife to take that 'get away' that she has been mentioning. I think that is an excellent suggestion. Do it from a love-based perspective.

[2sunny]

Hi 2sunny. The changes are not too subtle but I am sure I could turn it up to get a reaction. I just can't think of anything NEW I could do right now In the past I have done many different romantic things, surprise gifts, special outings, surprise weekend getaways, and they all seemed to go well until recently. I am REALLY paying attention now, listening to every word, putting everything else on hold and making myself available exclusively to her. All I can do is keep trying and hope that she comes around. I would love to try something new and different but my mind is blank. Any ideas?

 

what exactly has she been saying? i really want to know what her words have been lately... that might tell is what direction her mind is going, insight into her current mindset.

[Ronni_W]

Highfive,

I sense you are feeling exhausted, frustrated and discouraged.

'Oxymoronic' is it may sound, that is perfectly normal and par for the course, when one is starting to gain the wonderful new insights and understandings that you have been gaining.

 

See if chapters 9 and 12 bring you any relief, hope and encouragement. http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

(And the other chapters ain't too shabby, neither .)

 

Praying you all that you desire and need,

Ronni

[highfive]

Highfive,

I sense you are feeling exhausted, frustrated and discouraged.

'Oxymoronic' is it may sound, that is perfectly normal and par for the course, when one is starting to gain the wonderful new insights and understandings that you have been gaining.

 

See if chapters 9 and 12 bring you any relief, hope and encouragement. http://eqi.org/eqe96_1.htm

(And the other chapters ain't too shabby, neither .)

 

Praying you all that you desire and need,

Ronni

 

Ronni, you are right. I am feeling wiped out.

 

The situation is far more complex than I have written in this thread. I should have said this before, but the main thing that happened to start the recent crisis is that one of our children has become quite ill and is having a hard time, and we must focus on this now: sorting out our marriage problems is not a priority.

 

Our child's illness become much worse while I was away, and my wife had to deal with it on her own, and it took me a while to appreciate the seriousness of the illness (I was in denial). I am now also very concerned about my child, but also feeling like my marriage is in serious trouble, but I think it best for me to keep my feelings (worry, sorry) about my marriage buried until our child is better. I know that my wife feels this way also, and most our tension has been caused by me wanting to sort out our marriage at the same time as our poor child is ill. That's why I did not move more quickly with the letter.

 

During a recent trip to the bookstore with my family, we did purchase the Five Love Languages book, and I have just finished it. It was very good, and I now understand what has been going on, probably for many years now. I have been pulling away because I have not been getting enough affection and admiration from my wife. Over the years I have tried to talk about it with her, but I'm sure my approach was wrong and discussing it would only make things worse. So, I eventually got frustrated to the point that I just stopped trying. Now I also understand that she has not been getting enough quality time, and she has also been pulling away from me. She also tried talking to me about it, but I'm sure I was too defensive.

 

I don't know if my wife is reading the book, but it is out in plain view to see and read. Now is not the time for me to suggest that she read it, or for us to talk about our problems. Our child is the priority, and we are dealing with this together. We have both acknowledged that something is very wrong between us and, when the time is right, I am hopeful that we will talk about our marriage issues and my new insights will help us work through our problems.

 

That probably sheds some light on the situation.

 

Hugs,

 

^5

[Ronni_W]

Thank you for sharing, ^5. You're right in that it does help me to get a better idea of how to support you -- not that I'll get it "right", but at least we have a chance for me to make whatever adjustments I feel/sense/think may offer you more understanding and support (if that makes sense?)

 

I'm terribly sorry to hear about your child. (It also helps me understand a bit better why your wife has not been more receptive to your New Self.)

 

May I suggest that you truck on over to the 'Family/parenting' forum, and post a bit about what you're feeling and experiencing as a parent? You may just be be delightfully surprised at the support, information, understanding and other good stuff you may receive over there .

 

And please do let me know what you need from me, that I may be able to give you.

 

Sending Angels of Healing and Comfort to your child, and the rest of you.

Love'n hugs,

Ronni

[highfive]

May I suggest that you truck on over to the 'Family/parenting' forum, and post a bit about what you're feeling and experiencing as a parent? You may just be be delightfully surprised at the support, information, understanding and other good stuff you may receive over there .

 

And please do let me know what you need from me, that I may be able to give you.

 

Sending Angels of Healing and Comfort to your child, and the rest of you.

Love'n hugs,

Ronni

 

Hello Ronni, Thanks very much for your (as always) excellent suggestions, comments and comforting words. I'll update this thread soon.

 

Take good care,

 

^5

[highfive]

An update on our situation: Our child is improving slightly but the treatment will take some time.

 

During this period my wife and I are getting along well and spending some time together. We have yet spoke about our marriage troubles but we have both completed the worksheets at the end The Five Love Languages.

 

The hardest part for me at the moment is holding back; I want to discuss our marriage and talk about the things that were said over the last weeks, and work things out but I know that we are still not ready for that, our child is the priority.

 

The challenge for me is to keep quiet and strong until we are through the crisis with our child.

 

I am hopeful that things will work out with my wife. I have seen some signs that things are improving.

[Ronni_W]

Hey Guy!

Thanks for the update. So glad to hear of your child's improvement! (Is s/he your son or your daughter?) I'm just kinda thinking that everything is gonna turn out alright.

 

I am sure it is difficult to NOT focus on your marriage. But it's really terrific that you've been able to keep your focus on the same thing on which your wife is focused. Congrats on keep School Boy in check, about that.

 

I have oodles of stuff going on in my brain...but I am determined to stay focused, too . We'll get back to the other (rather mundane in comparison) stuff, if/when that is in the cards, is what I'm suspecting.

 

Hugs, ^5. If you and your family need a cheerleading squad right now, I'm totally volunteering to be part of that team!

 

EDIT: Yeah, maybe it is the 'right' thing to be one of those who is role-modeling strength. But. You need not be afraid or ashamed to come over here and blubber like a baby. Context is everything. You do have people at LS who won't at all mind being strong for and with you.

[2sunny]

i'm super happy that things have settled a bit and your child is doing better.

 

i have a few things that keep coming up as i read through your approach and progress, or lack of.

 

i don't see you being proactive enough directly with your wife. normally - when you love each other and are faced with adversity - two people bind together for support and love and comfort. you need to give her that right now in the worst way.

 

i always read your evasiveness... i don't know why - but i'm always left wondering why you are never very specific at all? i am a very private person - so i can appreciate that - but something about the way you post makes me think you are probably evasive in your everyday life too. this may be very frustrating for your wife if she needs ALL of you and not just bits and pieces of you. give her all of you, not just the perfect part... be vulnerable enough to show her the true love she deserves.

 

can you possibly be more specific with us so that we can be more effective with you and the truth here? i feel frustrated because it's like shooting in the dark. i need more details from you in order to feel like i'm pointing you in the right direction.

 

if you aren't capable, that's ok, just let allow me to understand that fact.

[highfive]

Hey Guy!

I am sure it is difficult to NOT focus on your marriage. But it's really terrific that you've been able to keep your focus on the same thing on which your wife is focused. Congrats on keep School Boy in check, about that.

 

Hugs, ^5. If you and your family need a cheerleading squad right now, I'm totally volunteering to be part of that team!

 

EDIT: Yeah, maybe it is the 'right' thing to be one of those who is role-modeling strength. But. You need not be afraid or ashamed to come over here and blubber like a baby. Context is everything. You do have people at LS who won't at all mind being strong for and with you.

 

Ronni, thanks. Yes, I have been working very hard at keeping School Boy in check but its not easy, he is often screaming to have his say (driven by fear and insecurity).

 

Any tips for keeping School Boy quiet would be great. For me, when I start feeling anxious and insecure (School Boy) I just keep reminded myself to keep School Boy quiet, focus on helping my wife and family through this and the rest will sort itself out in time. We are together a long time, and have been through our shares of ups and downs. My wife and I have always been best friends, at least until recently, and I now must focus on being her best friend again.

[highfive]

i don't see you being proactive enough directly with your wife. normally - when you love each other and are faced with adversity - two people bind together for support and love and comfort. you need to give her that right now in the worst way.

 

i always read your evasiveness... i don't know why - but i'm always left wondering why you are never very specific at all? i am a very private person - so i can appreciate that - but something about the way you post makes me think you are probably evasive in your everyday life too. this may be very frustrating for your wife if she needs ALL of you and not just bits and pieces of you. give her all of you, not just the perfect part... be vulnerable enough to show her the true love she deserves.

 

2sunny: Thanks for your kind words. Evasive? Here on LS I must admit that I am evasive, I don't feel it right to share all the details.

 

For the most part, I have not been evasive with my wife. My heart is usually on my sleeve! Sometimes too much so.

 

I must admit though, that there have been times during recent years when my love bank has become empty due to lack of affection from my wife, and then I would become insecure, resentful and evasive because I stopped trying to talk about it (I tried in the past but it only made matters worse). She would then start to pull away as her love bank emptied, and the cycle would continue. I now understand all this and why things have been strained but I can sense that the love is still there. We just need to talk about the problems, understand each others point of view and reconnect. As much as I want to sort this out, now is not the time to talk about us. At this point I don't know when the time will come, but I know what I need to say. She needs to understand why I have been pulling away. She has said that she will read the Five Love Languages book soon, and I think that will be a good start. Lately I have been the cause of the hurt, but she needs to understand why I have been pulling away, and that we need to work on this together if we are going to survive. I know that I don't ever want to lose her, and will keep doing my best.

 

Did I once hear that effective communication is very important for a marriage? YOUNG HUSBANDS LISTEN UP!

[Ronni_W]

Highfive, it's not that there is one way to communicate/behave during a family crisis, and some total different way to act when things are 'normal', and yet a third different way to do things when you're both facing relationship problems.

 

There is JUST active listening and JUST clear, honest, open verbal communication, from you to her (and others.) The SAME skills are necessary in EVERY area of your life, in all your relationships and experiences.

 

Part of what 2sunny is seeing, I think, is that you have demonstrated a tendency to withhold your deeper feelings and to not recognize what is important information that YOU need to share...IF you are to get all the help and support that YOU need to achieve your own goals.

when I start feeling anxious and insecure (School Boy) I just keep reminded myself to keep School Boy quiet,

 

It is not so much about just "shutting up School Boy" (which really amounts to "emotionally shutting down Highfive".) It is about learning how to express ALL your feelings from a more self-responsible point of view, using positive verbal communication skills.

 

For example. You might say, "Today it was tougher for me to deal with what's going on for our family than usual. Can I have a hug, please?" Or. "Hey hon, how are you holding up? We really are being tested to the max here, aren't we? You would let me know if you needed something more than I'm giving, wouldn't you?"

 

You must focus on creating an EQUAL, MUTUAL relationship -- not just you are her best friend, or she is yours.

Your goal must be to get it to where "we are each other's best friends" -- YOU are responsible for openly and honestly communicating YOUR needs, desires, concerns and goals. Which, it has come through in your posts, you are sometimes reluctant to do with your wife. Sort of, you are making misguided decisions about what and when to tell your wife, ABOUT YOU.

 

At the same time that I understand your desire for privacy on LS, the info that you withheld WAS significant -- my lack of knowing that major source of stress in your life, prevented me from being able to incorporate that into suggestions for action and relief. (You didn't 100% give me the chance to 100% help you. We both ended up with a half-assed effort. -- In the same way, you will get better outcomes with your wife if you do your part to "help her help you". Lack of important information WILL leave her feeling frustrated, distant and just generally "on the outside".)

 

, I have not been evasive with my wife. My heart is usually on my sleeve! Sometimes too much so.

 

I do feel it is important to note here that there is a HUGE difference between just wearing your anxieties, neediness and BS on your sleeve, versus your deeper feelings and genuine concerns.

 

but she needs to understand why I have been pulling away, and that we need to work on this together if we are going to survive.

 

Your last paragraph in response to 2sunny's post is rather filled with BS and thoughts that come from a victim mindset -- can you spot some of it?

 

Also, do try to stop thinking "she needs to" -- it's a brain programming thing. In reality, she does NOT need to do anything. So..."I'm hoping that she'll DECIDE to (or, ...tht she'll BE ABLE to)" or something like that.

 

In any case, it is NOT that she needs to understand why you pulled away or anything else. YOU need to find ways to explain your own behaviour to her, in a manner that she will understand...and without it sounding as if you are blaming or accusing. That is, you need to use your positive, effective verbal communication skills (instead of 'withholding'.)

 

Hugs, my good man. Hope your child is doing even better today than yesterday. Please keep updating us when you can.

 

EDIT: Another sentiment you might want to convey, "I really never imagined I could feel so helpless and useless as I am feeling in relation to Child's illness. All I feel I can do is to have 100% faith in Child's total recovery, and sooner than later. And that is what I am doing. How are you coping?"

[highfive]

I hate to say this, but I really blew it tonight.

 

My wife has had many sleepness nights and I am worried about her. When I came home we had a good talk about our child's illness and how helpless she feels. I listened and he talked about various treatment options, she seemed to be feeling better and I saw a chance to talk about us, and to clear the air a little between us. Well, I think I blew it, big time:

 

I told her that the entire situation has been very stressful on all of us, and that I had to admit that I was also concerned about our marriage but understood that now is not the time to talk about it. I wanted to tell her a little about my feelings, and that I am committed to work on our marriage.

 

I thought I had said it right, but her response was that she feels guilt and pressure to deal with our marriage, in addition to the pressure and strain of our child being ill. She told me that right now she needs me there to help with our child, and that she can not think about our marriage, or anything else, right now. I told her that I understood, and that I would. I know now that I should not have put it like that, and that I probably shouldnt have talked about this at all.

 

Tonight I feel helpless, like I can't control my emotions and that I can't seem to say anything right. I can't recall ever feeling this helpless. Worried about my child, my marriage and the entire family. Most of all I want to say something to make things better, but I don't know what to say. I've said enough.

[2sunny]

i'm so sorry H5 -

 

from my perspective she is being very selfish by denying you of any emotional outlet when you are clearly in need of some reassurance.

 

from a woman's perspective - i am angry with her manipulation at this point.

 

for you, the only thing i think that may give you SOME relief would be to journal... yes, write down some of your feelings and your perspective as these days go along... it may give you some sense of sanity since she is clearly unwilling to step up to the plate right now.

 

hugs

[highfive]

Thanks 2sunny,

 

I do need to talk about our problems with her but she wants we to focus completely on our child, that she can't even think about us until the situation improves. I said that I was having a difficult time with all of it, and that I need some sign of hope from her that everything will be alright between us. This only made things worse.

 

I now want to say that it was wrong for me to want to talk about us, that I am still working on my attitude but that I need her help. Don't know if this will help..

 

I guess this thread is my journal.

[2sunny]

at this point don't take any of your emotional side to her... sigh.

 

she's already set her boundary by telling you that she doesn't want to go there right now... sigh.

 

keep writing, you will need to... just be sure that you put all of your TRUE emotions somewhere in writing.

 

geez, no wonder people go and have affairs... grrrrrr

 

this is really frustrating to see a man so desperate to want to connect and reach out and the wife just stands there and says - NOPE - not now.... grrrrr sigh.

 

frustration surrounds me... i can't imagine how you must feel being the one in her mess of cold heartedness.

 

i'm really sad and sorry for you...

 

it is now time that you concentrate on ways to keep yourself in a safe place (mentally) i won't even attempt to say happy - just try to keep your head on straight for now and wait it out.

 

keep up the writing - somewhere along the line we may see an opportunity for the right time to approach what work needs to be done.

 

are you seeing a counselor? if i were you, i'd go on my own to try to get more clarity and direction along the way.