I'm an idiot (distant) husband.

[highfive]

Okay. I am calmer, now..forgive my, er, outburst of exuberance, if you will .

 

I'm guessing that at some point you will update your wife with the details, right? -- not just "I understand" but the words that you wrote, that really demonstrate that you understand?

 

Cos that would be my suggestion.

 

Hi Ronni!

 

Thanks, yes I will update my wife soon. I want to tell her that I know there have been times when I have been self-centered due to my own insecurities that were part of me long before she met me, and that I am starting to gain a better understanding of my behavior and will try to manage it better in future.

 

All of this has been a life-changing revelation for me, so I want to present this to her during a date when it will seem more serious and thoughtful. I don't want to just blurt it out over coffee. I will plan a romantic date soon, when the time is right.

[Ronni_W]

I want to present this to her during a date when it will seem more serious and thoughtful. I don't want to just blurt it out over coffee. I will plan a romantic date soon, when the time is right.

As long as you don't "overwhelm" her with too much all at once -- possibly it needs to be given in stages, so she can have some time to process in bite-sized chunks?

Are you sure you want to do it on "romantic date night", though? I mean, I get that you're excited to share...and you should be extremely proud and excited to share, of course.

IMO, yes, it ought to be a thoughtful communication (but does not necessarily have to be "serious/solemn." There's room for light-heartedness along with thoughtful.)

 

My biggest concern though -- does it not run the risk of maybe throwing buckets of ice-cold water on the, er, "after romantic date" activities?

 

OTOH, you do know your wife best...trust your own instincts as to how, what and where SHE will be most receptive and appreciative.

[highfive]

A quick update:

 

Things with my family are on the mend. My child's condition has improved a great deal and I have been focused on supporting my family, and I am not nearly as self-centered or worried about my marriage.

 

As per the numerous suggestions, I did eventually update my wife on the details of my new knowledge and attitude. We are definitely growing closer again, and I am determined to stay committed to my new-and-improved ways.

 

Thanks to all that replied to this post I have learned a great deal, and have made some very positive changes in my life. I have learned that you are never too old to take stock of who you are, and make changes.

 

As I wrote before, I hope that this thread helps other husbands like me to take a close look at their behavior, and make adjustments before it is too late

[2sunny]

glad to hear it - remember to keep a good balance with all areas of your life.

[highfive]

It is almost two months since my last confession, uh update .

 

Our child's condition continues to improve and life at home is settling back to normal. I am also settling in to my new "attitude". Looking back, I realize that I was way too obsessed with my marriage, and over-analyzed every little thing my wife said or did, looking for reasons as to why we seemed to be drifting apart.

 

In the end I came to understand that my long-term insecure attitude was very unattractive and was pushing my wife away, plus I underestimated the effect that a sick child can have on a mother.

 

So, I am slowly, but steadily, learning not to project my insecurities toward anyone else, stop my self-centered insecure worries, focus on our family, focus on my fitness, revisit some old hobbies and JUST RELAX! As a result, I feel better than I have in years, like I am ME again, and my wife and I are growing closer.

 

I have learned many life lessons throughout all this. Perhaps I should write a book about mid-life self rediscovery?

 

A big thank you to all of you here for your help . I'll update again soon.

[highfive]

Hi all,

 

Just thought I should post another update - there is often a great deal of bad news and hurt here, so I thought it would be refreshing for me to share some good news:

 

Our family situation continues to improve, and I believe that my new attitude is a major factor. I really don't know why or how I had become so very self-absorbed and obsessed about my marriage, but I now know that my old attitude was destroying my marriage, family and career.

 

Basically, I was taking myself WAY too seriously. It was like I was a deep rut that I had to fight to get out of in order to find myself again, and to learn to care and trust people again.

 

I also now believe that regular exercise is a very good at burning away stress.

 

Anyway, thanks again for all of you here that have helped me to recognize and accept my insecurity issues, and for helping me to develop my new attitude - you really did save me!

 

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

[signedin2008]

 

Anyway, thanks again for all of you here that have helped me to recognize and accept my insecurity issues, and for helping me to develop my new attitude - you really did save me!

 

 

 

You're welcome.

[Ronni_W]

Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks?

Good on you, "old dog", for remembering all the new tricks!

YOU did all the hard work...saved yourself, really...so remember to give yourself the biggest credit.

Of course, glad to hear things are going well for all of you...keep up your good work and positive attitude

[jnj express]

start courting her, as you did when the 2 of you 1st met. Go out on dates at least once a week, dinner, movies, sports events, what ever she and you like to do. Show her you can make yourself over. Spruce up for her be attentive, help her around the house----BECOME A HUSBAND

[highfive]

Good on you, "old dog", for remembering all the new tricks!

YOU did all the hard work...saved yourself, really...so remember to give yourself the biggest credit.

Of course, glad to hear things are going well for all of you...keep up your good work and positive attitude

 

Hello Ronni,

 

Thanks for your reply. Yes, I am proud of the new me, and the positive changes I have made in my life. At first it was a tremendous struggle to let go of the Schoolboy habits and emotions, but over time it become easier, and now the new positive and confident attitude has become the normal, everyday mode. Sure, there are relapses every now and then, but they do not last for very long, and they happen less and less often.

 

I think my wife is a little confused (in a good way) because she had to deal with the insecure/needy/anxious/BORING me for so very long, and now I am quite different so she is wondering (WTF?) - but our relationship is definitely improving .

 

[highfive]

start courting her, as you did when the 2 of you 1st met. Go out on dates at least once a week, dinner, movies, sports events, what ever she and you like to do. Show her you can make yourself over. Spruce up for her be attentive, help her around the house----BECOME A HUSBAND

 

Thanks jnj.

 

Actually, I was always quite attentive and have always done my share around the house, and we have always gone on regular dates, but in the past I was usually very insecure and needy, so I was a real drag to be around.

 

Dates are now are much more fun for both of us; I have learned to focus on the NOW, so I'm not insecure, and she does not feel any pressure to reassure me, so we just have fun without all the baggage!

 

Definitely a life-changing evolution of my thought process - I recommend it highly!

[Ronni_W]

it was a tremendous struggle to let go of the Schoolboy habits and emotions, but over time it become easier, and now the new positive and confident attitude has become the normal, everyday mode.

Omigawd! Are you telling me there is actually a big, strong, handsome MAN in charge over there now??? No wonder your darling wife is all confused!

 

Yes, keep a sense of humour about those inevitable relapses -- IMO, they come along to help keep us at our best, and stay on the path that we actually, really, genuinely WANT to be on. (They are our true and trustworthy allies....and my sense is they enjoy some good humour and humility.)

 

Again, very proud of you...and really happy for your positive outcome!

[tyhbvf]

Long story short: Married 20 years, two kids. Good marriage, but wife does not show affection much which makes me insecure from time to time.

 

I have been working around the clock the last few weeks and I can tell that she has been feeling neglected. Today she was in a poor mood so I asked her what was wrong: "nothing" she said, so like a fool, I asked why she was so distant, and that she has been distant for some time. She then turned very cold, but later she told me that this insulted her greatly, that she has not been distant, and that I had no right to say it. She then suggested that perhaps I am the distant one because I am so consumed with myself and work.

 

I did not argue. I finally now know that she is right, I can be distant when I am preoccupied with work, which is often. Now I know that this is why she is distant. What a fool I have been.

 

Its a crazy circle that has been going on for years: I am "not there", she pulls away, I take notice and ask her why she is so distant. Usually she says nothing, but this time he words made sense to me.

 

I said I was sorry, but she is very angry with me, and she probably will be for some time. I am truly sorry, and want to fix this for good, but how? I know she will not go for MC, but I am the one that needs help. Any advice? What should I do, or say? How should I express that I sorry, and that I want to change?

 

She's controlling you.

 

Whatever comes out of a woman's mouth should be taken with a grain of salt.

 

Why does she need your affection? Is she your child?

 

Dude, wake the f*ck up and see that she's manipulating you so that the power of your marriage shift over to her.

 

That's all marriage is: a silent fight for power in an never-ending struggle for domination.

[Ronni_W]

She's controlling you. ...she's manipulating you so that the power of your marriage shift over to her.

Uh, no...he really WAS acting like an idiot husband -- his self-description was right on the money, totally accurate, not in doubt.

 

His good news is that he got over it...in relatively short time, too.

And now he is a wise, loving and supportive husband...and dad

 

Right, ^5? It is kinda 'funny', though, cos I was thinking you gotta get a new thread title -- this one is SO ancient history, and not at all who you are!

 

Hugs,

Ronni

[highfive]

Uh, no...he really WAS acting like an idiot husband -- his self-description was right on the money, totally accurate, not in doubt.

 

His good news is that he got over it...in relatively short time, too.

And now he is a wise, loving and supportive husband...and dad

 

Right, ^5? It is kinda 'funny', though, cos I was thinking you gotta get a new thread title -- this one is SO ancient history, and not at all who you are!

 

Hugs,

Ronni

You are 100% accurate Ronni! I was acting like a self-absorbed, insecure, needy, boring IDIOT! My wife was NOT controlling or manipulating me; she was giving me much needed feedback that I had to stop the child-like behavior (that occurred from time-to-time in recent years) and to start acting like the man she married!

 

Looking back, I really don't know exactly what happened to me, but I definitely changed with time, especially over the last few years. I guess the old, insecure me needed more attention and reassurance than my wife was able/willing to give, especially when the kids came along. I slowly became more and more resentful/paranoid/ insecure and pulled away from her, but last Fall, with the help of some great people here, I learned that my insecurities were MY PROBLEM, and that I had no right to expect others to help me get over them - that was my responsibility. This was a ground-breaking revelation that has really changed all aspects of my life.

 

BTW: Marriage is NOT a power struggle if both partners respect each other and value the opinion of the other. Our marriage is a partnership - always has been, despite my recent and temporary selfish setback.

 

Thanks Ronni. Yes, me thinks we should start a new thread "Loving husband returns from the Dark Side"

[cashisland]

Long story short: Married 20 years, two kids. Good marriage, but wife does not show affection much which makes me insecure from time to time.

 

I have been working around the clock the last few weeks and I can tell that she has been feeling neglected. Today she was in a poor mood so I asked her what was wrong: "nothing" she said, so like a fool, I asked why she was so distant, and that she has been distant for some time. She then turned very cold, but later she told me that this insulted her greatly, that she has not been distant, and that I had no right to say it. She then suggested that perhaps I am the distant one because I am so consumed with myself and work.

 

I did not argue. I finally now know that she is right, I can be distant when I am preoccupied with work, which is often. Now I know that this is why she is distant. What a fool I have been.

 

Its a crazy circle that has been going on for years: I am "not there", she pulls away, I take notice and ask her why she is so distant. Usually she says nothing, but this time he words made sense to me.

 

I said I was sorry, but she is very angry with me, and she probably will be for some time. I am truly sorry, and want to fix this for good, but how? I know she will not go for MC, but I am the one that needs help. Any advice? What should I do, or say? How should I express that I sorry, and that I want to change?

Hi,there I believe that relationship is all about comittment.If both of you are readytomakeitworkit is very possible.Every marriage has it's challenges but how do you handle it.No one is an idiot;it is better to be a fool and achieve result than claim to be wise and there is no result to show. Please i will recommend a book titled "97 ways to a happy relationship" before you practise one-third of the principles you will definitely see reasults .Call 08056303620 if you want the book

[highfive]

A quick update: Its been a few months since my last report. I have continued on my path to be the best husband and father I can be, and, for the most part, my wife and I have grown closer emotionally, but not much closer physically, she is just not interested anymore.

 

I know, this is a common theme here at the moment, but after almost 20 years of marriage, and some serious self-improvement on my part, I don't feel that she is attracted to me anymore. Believe me, over the years I have tried everything in the book to keep the passion alive, and I am still very attracted to her. I have tried to talk to her about this in the past which only made matters worse. Now, when we talk about this, she says she does not feel sexy anymore, its nothing to do with me.

 

Lately I find myself wondering about our future, and if I can stay in a passionless marriage. We are best friends and we were very close lovers in the past but now I really miss feeling the passion from her. Does any of this make sense? Don't get me wrong; my feelings are not caused by insecurity, my feelings are the result of wanting to feel loved, as a lover!

 

I really feel like my discontent will soon develop into resentment, and I don't know how much longer I can stay in this situation. Life is to short. What to do?

[Kamille]

I know, this is a common theme here at the moment, but after almost 20 years of marriage, and some serious self-improvement on my part, I don't feel that she is attracted to me anymore. Believe me, over the years I have tried everything in the book to keep the passion alive, and I am still very attracted to her. I have tried to talk to her about this in the past which only made matters worse. Now, when we talk about this, she says she does not feel sexy anymore, its nothing to do with me.

 

 

 

I'll assume she knows you still find her sexy and desirable. What would she need to feel sexy again? Does she take time to pamper herself? Could you two spring for a couple's spa weekend? Do you two make time for romantic dates?

[2sunny]

HF -

 

i have seen you make progress and i admire your efforts and ability to implement change for the good of your marriage and your willingness to make it work... (believe me when i say that as a compliment - i do not give out kudos without earned merit).

 

your wife seems as though she expects the M to be healthy on autopilot. this isn't realistic from either side - the H or the W. a M needs to be nutured and tended to so that it will have continual growth and stay happy and healthy.

 

this is why i am sad to express that SHE isn't being at all fair in the M. where is HER efforts in all this?

 

if ANY wife expects a H to survive on her mere presence - she is sadly mistaken. i would bet money that eventually you would be looking for another woman even though you love your wife. she is literally starving your M by with holding intimacy... and physical closeness... this being a critical and integral part of any relationship.

 

the resntment will get bigger if left this way.

 

why not try something temporary to shock her into considering taking some action? move out for a few months... see if she becomes more willing to participate in the M while you are removed... you are essentially removed anyway - just fooling yourself by actually standing in front of her.

 

if she's not willing to give - you may have to tell her that you are leaving based on the evidence that she no longer is willing to participate in this area of your marriage.

[highfive]

HF -

 

i have seen you make progress and i admire your efforts and ability to implement change for the good of your marriage and your willingness to make it work... (believe me when i say that as a compliment - i do not give out kudos without earned merit).

 

your wife seems as though she expects the M to be healthy on autopilot. this isn't realistic from either side - the H or the W. a M needs to be nutured and tended to so that it will have continual growth and stay happy and healthy.

 

this is why i am sad to express that SHE isn't being at all fair in the M. where is HER efforts in all this?

 

if ANY wife expects a H to survive on her mere presence - she is sadly mistaken. i would bet money that eventually you would be looking for another woman even though you love your wife. she is literally starving your M by with holding intimacy... and physical closeness... this being a critical and integral part of any relationship.

 

the resntment will get bigger if left this way.

 

why not try something temporary to shock her into considering taking some action? move out for a few months... see if she becomes more willing to participate in the M while you are removed... you are essentially removed anyway - just fooling yourself by actually standing in front of her.

 

if she's not willing to give - you may have to tell her that you are leaving based on the evidence that she no longer is willing to participate in this area of your marriage.

Thanks 2Sunny, I really feel that I have put everything into the marriage.I should clarify that she does "participate" but only when I initiate! It has been this way for a long time.We do get along well in all other areas of our marriage but this lack of libido and passion is starting to really take a toil on me. It has been an issue for years, but she always withdraws when I try to talk about it, so I stopped trying.

 

Lately I have been considering leaving as a way to shock her but I am concerned about the impact on the children - it seems like a very selfish option. Also, I know my wife, and I predict that the trial seperation would turn into divorce very quickly; she has no time for this type of drama. She is quite stubborn and generally does not change her mind about a decision, even when she knows she should. So an attempt to shock her would probably not have the desired effect.

[Ronni_W]

Hugs, Highfive.

 

and I predict that the trial seperation would turn into divorce very quickly; she has no time for this type of drama. She is quite stubborn and generally does not change her mind about a decision, even when she knows she should. So an attempt to shock her would probably not have the desired effect.

Okay so, you've got to take "attempt to shock her" off your list of goals since you already know that it's not achievable...you will fail if you just keep that as your plan/goal!

 

Relationships with mismatched libidos can be very frustrating and self-esteem sucking. Sometimes people withdraw from being sexual with their partners as a way to control their own fears of emotional intimacy or being engulfed. Other reasons include just too much anger and resentment at their partner.

 

Those who aren't getting any usually decide the lack of sex has to do with their attractiveness, etc., but most often that is not the case.

 

There's a stat that sex and sexual activity take up about 3% of total marital 'time' -- interactions and activities. Are you ready to dump your life, wife and kids for 3%? Or are you willing to put in the hard work, effort and energy to exhaust all the other avenues first?

 

It sounds as if you may be going into 'victim mode' again...and I'd suggest to not make such important decisions from that perspective.

Maybe it IS time to consider ending your marriage, just let's ensure that you're totally clear and empowered before you announce your intent. Know what I mean?

 

So...you know what you gotta be focusing on right now -- keeping yourself feeling fit, positive and attractive. And you recall how to do that, yes?

Get at it, young man!!! And then let's decide what's next

 

Sending hugs and positive vibes,

Ronni

[highfive]

Hugs, Highfive.

 

 

Okay so, you've got to take "attempt to shock her" off your list of goals since you already know that it's not achievable...you will fail if you just keep that as your plan/goal!

 

Relationships with mismatched libidos can be very frustrating and self-esteem sucking. Sometimes people withdraw from being sexual with their partners as a way to control their own fears of emotional intimacy or being engulfed. Other reasons include just too much anger and resentment at their partner.

 

Those who aren't getting any usually decide the lack of sex has to do with their attractiveness, etc., but most often that is not the case.

 

There's a stat that sex and sexual activity take up about 3% of total marital 'time' -- interactions and activities. Are you ready to dump your life, wife and kids for 3%? Or are you willing to put in the hard work, effort and energy to exhaust all the other avenues first?

 

It sounds as if you may be going into 'victim mode' again...and I'd suggest to not make such important decisions from that perspective.

Maybe it IS time to consider ending your marriage, just let's ensure that you're totally clear and empowered before you announce your intent. Know what I mean?

 

So...you know what you gotta be focusing on right now -- keeping yourself feeling fit, positive and attractive. And you recall how to do that, yes?

Get at it, young man!!! And then let's decide what's next

 

Sending hugs and positive vibes,

Ronni

 

Hi Ronni,

 

Thanks for your reply. I am not ready to dump my life, yet. I have tried just about every avenue to bring the spark back, but nothing seems to work. At one time, not so very long ago I did feel like a victim, like I was not attractive or special enough for her, but I truly don't feel like that now, I just miss the passion that we once had. She is more affectionate and interested since my new attitude, but she is just not interested in being intimate. I don't feel any resentment or anger from her, just low libido, and I sense she feels somewhat guilty about it. I don't push it anymore, but I do feel the need to talk about this, but I just can't seems the find the right words, every time I have tried in the past she feels like I am blaming her. Somehow I have to find the words, or just forget about it for now.

 

I have almost always been the initiator, and now I grow weary of this mode. I really do feel like it will not change unless it comes to a crisis, or I find some new way to help her feel that way again. She says it is just her, that she feels like S**t and I do believe her, but what to do? I always tell her she is attractive, and I have suggested that we get away for the weekend but the sparkle in her eyes is just not there now. I do feel love and caring from her, but just not that way anymore.

 

I dunno, sometimes I think it is because I have always been the initiator - she has never had to make the first move, and now she is complacent. I am, of course, open to any and all ideas that you might have!

 

Take care,

 

^5

[whichwayisup]

Have you told her how it makes you feel that she's rejecting you sexually? I get that she's lost that loving feeling and maybe she needs to seek treatment for it, have a check up or something, but if you two work together and build up the intimacy, do sensual massages, fool around and just let stuff happen naturally, then that might open the flood gates for her..

 

This isn't just about sex, it's about closeness and intimacy. Needing to feel needed, important and cared for. Make sure she understands this and that it's not just about 'sex'.

[Ronni_W]

Hey, ^5

Maybe not victim in your marriage but certainly coming across as victim in the bedroom.

 

I know it is difficult not to take it personally, but I'd try not to see it as her rejecting you sexually. If she had a "normal" libido, then she'd be having sex with you the "normal" amount of times you guys used to have it. Low libido is a sexual health condition, like ED or vaginal dryness.

 

What "passion" are you talking about, that you're missing? Honeymoon passion? (that ain't coming back.) Happy marriage passion -- what year of your marriage? Passion before your child became sick?

 

There are lots of things that can mess with libido, for men and women. Stress, depression, natural aging/changing hormones. Some antidepressant and other medications. Already mentioned fear of intimacy, engulfment, abandonment, etc.

Just a thought...she could have a conscious or unconscious fear that if everything "goes back to normal" including in the bedroom then YOU will, too...meaning School Boy shows up again, and her life goes to hell.

 

For what it's worth, I don't think your theory about her having become complacent because you've always been the initiator is worth anything. She is telling you that it's just that she feels like crap, and you are saying that you believe her. Throw the "complacent" theory out before you start believing it and stop looking for solutions to the real problem(s).

 

In general, what are you guys doing to help her stop feeling like crap, and not feel guilty/inadequate that she is not satisfying you sexually? What is she doing to nurture her sexy and attractive SELF-image?

 

How's your child doing? What's your wife's stress level about that? Is she working or volunteering outside the home?

You're telling her that she's attractive. Are you doing non-sexual hugging, kissing, snuggling and cuddling?

Is she interested in sexual activity that does not include vaginal penetration? Is she willing to give but not receive? Would she like to receive but not give? How open have your conversations been?

 

What is the level of other (non-sex related) communications between the two of you? Is there more honesty and openness about wants, needs, plans for the future, fears, etc?

 

Getting away for a weekend won't change anything in the long-term, and in the short, the mere thought just creates more anxiety and pressure to perform on cue. "Date nights" can do the same thing unless you're very clear that it is to spend time together and sex is not expected at the end of it.

 

Yep, if she feels as if you're blaming her when you've tried to talk about it then you do need to find new words. Are you seeing this as a mutual/couples' problem, or "her" problem? Have you assured her that she need not feel guilty about suffering from a sexual health condition?

 

It is a serious problem in your marriage, and it does need to be approached with sensitivity.

Next question is: What words have you been using? Feel free to PM me, if you prefer.

 

It's going to be a challenge, ^5! Are you feeling courageous, assertive, compassionate, willing to have the difficult conversations?

[highfive]

Hi Ronnie, Many thanks for your reply. I think it best to reply directly here so that others may benefit from the discussion:

 

Hey, ^5

Maybe not victim in your marriage but certainly coming across as victim in the bedroom.

 

I know it is difficult not to take it personally, but I'd try not to see it as her rejecting you sexually. If she had a "normal" libido, then she'd be having sex with you the "normal" amount of times you guys used to have it. Low libido is a sexual health condition, like ED or vaginal dryness.

 

Yes, in this situation, I do believe he lack of libido is due to a health condition, probably hormonal as she approaches menopause.

 

What "passion" are you talking about, that you're missing? Honeymoon passion? (that ain't coming back.) Happy marriage passion -- what year of your marriage? Passion before your child became sick?

The "passion" has been missing for a few years, before our child became ill. Funny, when I think about it, what I miss most is the kissing and hugging. I don't expect honeymoon passion but a few years ago, when she was interested in going away for the weekend, the passion was very strong.

 

There are lots of things that can mess with libido, for men and women. Stress, depression, natural aging/changing hormones. Some antidepressant and other medications. Already mentioned fear of intimacy, engulfment, abandonment, etc.

Just a thought...she could have a conscious or unconscious fear that if everything "goes back to normal" including in the bedroom then YOU will, too...meaning School Boy shows up again, and her life goes to hell.

As per above, I think her lack of libido is hormonal. We have talked about this as a possibility, but she doesn't think she should/can do anything about it. I don't apply any pressure, but of course I would be pleased if she did talk with her doctor about it, but I won't suggest it.

 

For what it's worth, I don't think your theory about her having become complacent because you've always been the initiator is worth anything. She is telling you that it's just that she feels like crap, and you are saying that you believe her. Throw the "complacent" theory out before you start believing it and stop looking for solutions to the real problem(s).

Thanks, agreed.

 

In general, what are you guys doing to help her stop feeling like crap, and not feel guilty/inadequate that she is not satisfying you sexually? What is she doing to nurture her sexy and attractive SELF-image?

She was joining me at the gym for some time, but stopped. I have suggested that she should speak with her doctor about the crappy feeling, but she seems reluctant, so I have stopped suggested. At the end of the day, she needs to be the one to ask for help and advice. She has spoken about getting more exercise, and I am very supportive but she does not seem to have the energy to get started.

 

How's your child doing? What's your wife's stress level about that? Is she working or volunteering outside the home?

Our child is doing much better and the stress associated with the situation has subsided a great deal. My wife is not too stressed at the moment, but she was VERY stressed when our child illness was bad, and I'm sure she needs more time to settle and relax.

 

You're telling her that she's attractive. Are you doing non-sexual hugging, kissing, snuggling and cuddling?

Yes.

 

Is she interested in sexual activity that does not include vaginal penetration?

No, not really, she is usually too tired, I have suggested it though.

 

Is she willing to give but not receive?

No. I have asked.

 

Would she like to receive but not give?

Yes / maybe.

 

How open have your conversations been?

She has always been very uncomfortable taking about sex, she does not see the need. I have tried to talk about it, but she does not want to.

 

What is the level of other (non-sex related) communications between the two of you? Is there more honesty and openness about wants, needs, plans for the future, fears, etc?

We are very open and honest about all other aspects of our marriage and lives together. We routinely talk about our future plans, wants, needs,etc, especially since my new attitude!

 

Getting away for a weekend won't change anything in the long-term, and in the short, the mere thought just creates more anxiety and pressure to perform on cue. "Date nights" can do the same thing unless you're very clear that it is to spend time together and sex is not expected at the end of it.

Understood / agreed.

 

Yep, if she feels as if you're blaming her when you've tried to talk about it then you do need to find new words. Are you seeing this as a mutual/couples' problem, or "her" problem? Have you assured her that she need not feel guilty about suffering from a sexual health condition?

Yes, I generally start my saying that I am concerned about our physical relationship, trying not to put any pressure or guilt upon her. The problem is, however, related to her lack of libido, so she always clams up and does not want to talk about it. I do assure that she should not feel guilty, but she seems to anyway.

 

It is a serious problem in your marriage, and it does need to be approached with sensitivity.

Next question is: What words have you been using? Feel free to PM me, if you prefer.

I can't recall the exact words but I probably said something like "I am concerned that you don't seem interested in intimacy anymore. Is there anything I can do to help? Am I doing anything to upset you?" She usually responds that it is not me, but she feels like crap and there is no time anymore because we have small house and the kids are older so they stay up later and she is afraid they will hear or notice. I usually then say that we should plan a get-away, to which she says maybe, but shows no real interest. Her lack of desire is not a problem for her.

 

It's going to be a challenge, ^5! Are you feeling courageous, assertive, compassionate, willing to have the difficult conversations?

I do feel that I am up for the challenge but I need help finding the right words and approach. I don't want to rock the boat, I just want to help us regain some of the passion that we once had.