Me Communicating

[donnist]

My partner and I are having trouble communicating to each other. The negative thing always seem the easiest to get out because it happens when we're angry... but how can we put the love, trust and spark back into the relationship? I am able to express myself to her but she is having a hard time doing the same. I am trying to help her but I have no luck. She shuts down when I try constructive criticism. I need help helping her communicate to me.

 

Thanks in advance!

[Ronni_W]

It is entirely possible that what you think is "constructive criticism" she is perceiving as a destructive/toxic style of communicating.

NOT that your opinion is "wrong" for you...it just may not fit with her idea of constructive communication, which, her opinion is not "wrong" for her.

 

Communication is also something that we do WITH each other (not "to" or "at", if you see the subtle difference.)

If I may suggest, it is not your obligation, responsibility or right to take on the role of her "teacher/guide of better communication skills." That could result in an imbalance in the relationship -- Parent/Child or Counselor/Client dynamic that will not serve either of you well in the long-term.

 

Angry reaction is "easier" because it has become a (bad) habit...for most individuals, of course, not just each you. It takes the same desire, determination and effort to eliminate as smoking, weight loss, nail biting, etc. We tend to think it's different because it (anger) is a more mental process and we see other bad habits as being more "physical".

 

Often habitual angry reactions are indications of old anger that was never properly expressed and released -- the current moment/situation gets entangled in the old, and we just 'explode' the whole lot of it as if it is just the current that is the problem.

 

Possibly you both would benefit from individual counseling, perhaps with specific goals of learning to communicate your needs and feelings in clearer, more loving ways; as well as to explore any old "baggage" that is keeping you both stuck in this dynamic/pattern of non-productive, invalidating way of responding to each other's needs and feelings.

 

In the end, I'd have to say the best way for you to help facilitate the type of communication that you want is to learn how to give it, and then role-model it NO MATTER HOW she is doing her side of it.

 

Good luck! I hope you both can reach a more mutually supportive and encouraging relationship.