STD in a relationship???

[imonyourside]

Okay, I'm going to keep it simple.

Me and my boyfriend have been dating on and off for close to five years. Back in January we had broken up and during that time I met someone else and began dating them. I got back together with my original boyfriend and months later found out I had contracted an STD.

 

My boyfriend has cheated on me on the past so we don't know who had it first but we both are leaning towards me because of the time frame. (Also, he hasn't gotten tested yet so we don't even know if he has it)

 

Naturally, my boyfriend was very upset and angry. I understand why and I'm surprised he has decided to stay with me. He told me its because he loves me and knows I need someone at this time. Meanwhile, I am happy that he has decided to stick it out but depressed because of the way he has been treating me and also because of my newfound disease - it is one that will be with me for life.

 

As much as I appreciate his support, whenever we hang out he is mean to me. He insults me and doesn't show much affection. He has cancelled plans with me to hang out with friends and also for personal reasons like saying he is too tired. He gets irritated with me easily and just seems like he really doesn't care about me. I feel like whenever I talk he isn't interested. He started telling me how I'm stuck with him because no one else would ever want someone with an STD.

 

I'm positive he is still angry at me and its showing really well. I understand how he must feel but I'm feeling really lonely and scared. Not only was I just made aware of this and feeling depressed, I have a boyfriend that I love insulting me and hurting my feelings left and right. I am thankful that he is still with me, but I don't feel like he is "in it". I've tried talking to him, telling him that if he just feels bad for me and thats the only reason he is staying, that he doesn't have to. But he says thats untrue.

 

I'm getting all these mixed signals from him. I'm scared to start anymore fights because now I do feel stuck. I can't go to him and tell him how I feel because I know he will shut me down. I don't know how to handle this anymore. What should I do?

[xpaperxcutx]

Break up with him.

 

What he is doing is emotional abuse, because he's placing all the blame on you. STDs ( depending on the virus) are a common virus that you can contract from multiple partners but it's hard to tell whom infected whom. For your bf to accuse you of contracting it first says selfishness on his part. You did say he cheated, so who's to say it wasn't him that infected you?

[trubella]

i dont know which one you have but since you said its lifelong i think i may have an idea which one your talking about. its the most common std in the states, 500k cases a year. so dont ever think that no one will want you because of it. hope this isnt one of the reasons your staying with him, because he treats you like crap. i dont think it matters at this point who had it first, but he should really get tested.

 

i think you should seek out a support network for ppl with stds, there are other ppl like you who still lead happy lives, in relationships, married so dont ever think you cant do better. what hes giving you is not support.

[torranceshipman]

'As much as I appreciate his support...'?? WTF!

 

He isn't supporting you, he's being an arrogant jerk who is using your unhappiness to push you down even further, by saying horrible things like noone else will want you if you have an STD, cancelling plans with you, being generally nasty...my God, dump the loser, you can do 100% better and he is absolutely destroying your self esteem. He doesnt sounds very into you either but whatever, even if he is, get rid of him-you're kind of acting a bit like a doormat here and you're worth more than that.

 

Btw one of my best friends has what I think you have, and she met a lovely guy who really loves her, told him early on in the R, he knows all about it and just takes it as a part of her (he is an awesome guy!). He does that because he respects and loves her - which you'll experience if you meet another lovely guy - but your current boyfriend doesnt seem to respect you in the slightest.

[imonyourside]

papercut - the last time he cheated (as far as I know) was almost exactly a year ago. I often wonder if he is the one who contracted it and I am getting all this **** for nothing, but I really didn't get symptoms until after I had slept with this other person. It's sad really, I didn't put two and two together , I refused to think I had something serious so I didn't get tested for a few months. I think this is also part of his anger - I put him at risk for my own ignorance. Anyway, I do have doubts that it is infact me and not him who got it first but I don't have the guts to go and ask that other person to get tested.

 

We don't know if he has it yet anyway. He plans to get tested but because your body has to build antibodies for it to show up on a blood test, he is going to wait because of us being sexually active before I found out what I had. We will find out soon if he even has it. If he doesn't then we know its from me. If he does, then we still don't know who its from and I assume he will be more upset thinking now I passed it on to him. I feel terrible if that were to be the case.

 

Anyway, I do feel disgusted with myself. And he did just make me feel worse. He claims he is supporting me but all he did was put me down and make me feel like I could turn to no one. He told me not to tell anyone because once someone knows you can't undo it. They will forever see me as the girl with ---. I don't think I can do better though. I just keep thinking I can wait out his lashing out at me. Maybe he will overcome his anger and start being nice. But I don't know how long I can't wait. For now I'd really like to be mean back to him but not break up. I'm afraid to even try to date new people. How am I supposed to tell someone in the very beginning if I can't even tell my best friends or family? I guess this is something I Should join some sort of support group for.

 

I don't think I'm ready to break it off but I don't want to be a doormat!! I just thought I should be super sweet for a while and let him calm down a bit.

[porter218]

You shouldn't feel stuck with him just because of the STD. If it is what I think it is 1 in every 4 people have it, and plenty of those people have a decent chance to find someone who doesn't mind that they have it. I think you are just still dealing with the shock of getting it, you will feel better about yourself in time...but only if you get away from him.

[D-Lish]

Do not feel like you have to stay with this guy because you have an STD.

And if it's what I think it is- it often lies dormant, so it's hard to tell who gave what to you. He should get tested right away- he may have antibodies present- and if he does... he can't say for sure you gave it to him.

 

Don't let someone treat you like this- you don't deserve it.

He's a self proclaimed cheater and yet you have stayed with him and forgiven him.

 

He's being emotionally abusive and he's punishing you. No one deserves to be treated like that!

 

I'd seriously consider leaving him. I know you think you're not ready to do so... but you are putting your self esteem at risk by staying with a person that berrates you and puts you down.

[rproctor]

imonyourside, I read not only this thread you posted, but all the threads you posted. When was the last time you read through them? In fact, when was the last time you evaluated your relationship with this guy? Have you ever stopped to think that maybe being single is better than being in the wrong relationship.

 

All I can say is, you and this man are not meant to be together. You two are not compatible. Its like trying to force opposite sides of a magnet together, it just doesn't work.

 

What does this guy give you that you need? He is mean towards you, cold, bitter... He has no right to be mad at you, especially since what you did you did when you and him were separated... He cheated on you three times with three different women, right? In fact, it wasnt like he just slipped and did it, it was not an accident.

 

IN FACT! This guy set the whole thing up, this guy, the guy you say you love, is a user. He uses you, because me winds you up around his finger and tells you that no one in this world would want you, especially not now with your std. He tells you these things to keep you, to defeat you, to control you. He does not love you, if he did he wouldnt have cheated on you, so many times. If he loved you he wouldnt make you feel like dirt, or make you feel used and disgusting. This man is not a man, he is a coward! He uses these problems in your life as a way to manipulate you, rather than work them out with you and help you through them.

 

Dont be fooled, there is NOTHING that this man can give you that another man cant. In fact, there are probably A LOT of other men out there who could treat you so much better. Dont be a fool, this man will destroy you. If you continue with him he will suck out all your esteem, security, and self worth. He will use every thing he can find to manipulate you and demean you.

 

Who gives a **** who contracted the std. That ship has sailed, what you need to worry about now is 1) Getting the std under control and 2) getting out of this relationship.

 

Here is a tip, if you decide to end it, and you attempt to do so, do not listen to anything, or any words he might tell you. Because if he is indeed a controller, he will use that situation to control you. He might flip it all around and be like oh sorry baby I love you so much I will change blah blah... Anything he says, just ignore it. Be mean to him, be cold. Go cry in the bedroom when your done, but do it alone.

[imonyourside]

rproctor - wow I'm really surprised that you have read my threads. I am really appreciative that you have spent so much time reviewing all this.

 

I feel like you and everyone else is right. But I don't have enough going for me to complete the action of breaking up with him. I have tried in the past because I feel like he is no good for me. But of course, he works his "magic" on me and makes me forget about why I even wanted to end it in the first place. I'm very impressionable and ..well, stupid. I'm very scared though because I just have so many flaws that he has put up with, physically, emotionally, and mentally. I feel like we kind of put up with eachother. And thats not how a relationship should be, I realize.

 

I really appreciate everyones advice, I feel a lot better. Honestly, after writing that thread I was really scared everyone would diss me saying how lucky I am to have someone that would actually stay. I feel a lot better about my.. "condition" and it seems like everyone knows what it is and isn't acting like its out of this world.

 

It is very embarassing and I'm really scared to tell anyone else. I have created this dependence on him and its hard to break off, especially after close to five years. I will do a lot of thinking and try and get out of this relationship. I'm afraid, though, that it will be another failed break up. Even if he handles the break up okay, a month down the road I will be lonely and he will e-mail me or call and tell me he misses me. blah.

 

Thanks to everyone for your support

[porter218]

Well I know plenty of people that have it...and it hasn't "ruined" them. Even my Aunt who is a doctor caught it while in college, and she went on to find a great husband and now they have a happy family. I know of lots of these situations, and it isn't the end of the world.

[mma_j]

It is very embarassing and I'm really scared to tell anyone else. I have created this dependence on him and its hard to break off, especially after close to five years. I will do a lot of thinking and try and get out of this relationship. I'm afraid, though, that it will be another failed break up. Even if he handles the break up okay, a month down the road I will be lonely and he will e-mail me or call and tell me he misses me. blah.

 

Thanks to everyone for your support

 

You can do it. I'm going through a similar situation as yourself after a failed 9 year relationship. Being out there in the world isn't the easiest thing for me, and I know the hardest part will be easing back into the "scene," when the time is right.

 

You deserve everything you've ever wanted. You'll get over this soon!