6 months later..cant cope

[richardcruz]

So my ex-gf of a year and a half dumped my about six months ago. She broke up with me because she said she never really l_ved me and that I didnt "sweep her off her feet" even though I had gone out of my way to do more for her than I have ever done for anyone else. Even my friends would tell me that the things I did where really thoughtful and that she just didn't know how to appreciate me.

A little background information: my ex ex left me after living together for half a year only to get married a month later after moving out. Turns out she was talking to someone while we were together. 4 months later after her leaving me I meet my ex and felt that her timing couldn't have been better because in coming into my life. as I felt like I was starting to give up on the notion of l_ve.

 

Anyways I was on these forums like crazy at the beginning of my (most recent) breakup and I struggled for 2 months to not call her. After many months i finally got over that period and realized that there was no point in me calling and just being treated like absolute crap so i finally stopped completely.

 

Since this time alot has changed in my life. I had a plastic surgery procedure to fix my somewhat protruding ears that I was always self conscious about even though everyone said the didnt look bad. I have also started a very strict workout regime with a help of a trainer that has proven to show signs of success. I have gone up in weight (which is good since my goal is to bulk up) and am developing muscle faster that I have ever done so. At 5'10, i have gone from 162 to 170, and I plan on getting up to 185ish 190. My life basically now revolves around my diet and the gym..no joke!! So here is the kicker....

 

I still feel extremely sad deep inside. At times I still feel like just sitting down and crying. The void in my heart is still there but now its just numb. Any emotion that I try to feel outside of the memories that involve her are pretty much non-existent, leaving me to feel very robot-like. I have met a female that is really into me but I feel absolutely nothing for her. I have told her that I am not ready for anything at the time as I am still recovering from my last relationship. I have focused on fixing my self esteem by striving to fix my insecurities, many of which I felt were physical. But even as I make progress I still don't feel happy. Now I am debating whether to begin to take testosterone to speed up my physical progress. I am currently on the research phase of this. Since my breakup I have tried to keep a very upbeat social life and have gone out quiet a bit with my friends to "pickup bars," sporting events, and so on and so forth. But its like I have no attraction to anyone. Its almost like I see all the girls there and they are all the same to me. My friends (being the guys that they are) have told me to just sleep with a girl, but I honestly don't even think I could, as I would immediately think of the times that I was with my ex. Actually I think it would make me feel worse as it wouldn't be the same as being with someone that you really care about. I don't want to go out with my friends anymore because it usually involves heavy drinking which sends me deeper into depression but then again I don't want to stay home. Then again I don't really want to go to pickup bars/clubs anymore because no one there really attracts me (both mentally and physically). It's like the more and more I try to look for someone the more depressing it all gets and I start feeling like its just completely hopeless. I tell myself that maybe I shouldn't meet someone just yet because I should be able to make myself happy somehow on my own but alot of my friends around me tell me that it would be a good thing for me because I'm starting to worry myself to much about my physical attributes and that its not healthy. Then again I want to meet someone so maybe I will finally start to feel again but who, where, when and how? It all feels so impossible and I feel like just giving up. I just don't see how I'll ever meet someone that I feel the same like I did with my ex. Its like I completely lost my ability to l_ve. I think the thing that I miss the most in some strange way is the person that I was before all of this. The person that believed in l_ve and truly and genuinely had the ability to do so with innocence and without skepticism. And I've strived so much to change myself as much as possible to not be that person oddly enough. I really hate the person (that was me) that allowed himself to cry and beg her to come back and allowed himself to get so hurt and so depressed. I have even done so much to physically look like a different person so in the event that I would run into her, she would almost see me as a different person. I am so ashamed of the person that I was and It just hurts to no end to think about how much i've suffered through all of this to the point that I somehow want to psychologically dissociate myself from the "former me." I have suicidal thoughts from time to time, but couldn't bear to hurt my family with my death as they are good people and don't deserve to suffer for something that happened to me. I hope one or some of you can understand and relate to what I'm trying to say and how I'm feeling. I've never felt like this before and I'm struggling to figure myself out and pull through this. I just feel like I'm not coping well and that I shouldn't be feeling the way I am still feeling on the six month.

Thank you for my time....

[justaman99]

Doing things on the outside won't change how you feel inside. It's good that you are taking measures to better yourself but you said you're doing it so she can see a different more healthier and attractive you someday. This is not the right reason to do it. You have done well taking care of yourself externally now it's time to focus on internally.

 

And don't take steroids. They will mess with your emotions even more, they will make you more edgy and angry and will upset your already delicate emotional state. Just keep going to the gym and taking care of yourself but add some work on your inside as well. As with anything, it takes time. I understand how you feel and pain is a good thing. It means you have the ability to really care for someone with your heart. Someone else will appreciate that, as your ex never did, and you will find that person someday. Just be patient and take care of number 1 right now.

 

-Just

[replicator]

Richard,

 

It sounds like you're working hard to change yourself. Exercise is good, but remember that real change happens inside.

 

You don't need to disassociate yourself from the former you. It was a part of you, and there is nothing to be ashamed of. The actions of your ex reflect her shallow character and that she is unstable. It doesn't reflect on you, that there was ever anything wrong with you.

 

Be proud of who you are, and remember that you're the only person you need to please. You don't need the approval of others to be happy. Make the changes for yourself that you think are the best for YOU, not for someone else. Love yourself man.

[nopainnogain]

Your doing a great job. Keep up your fitness and eat well. Everything will fall into place. Enjoy life. Dont force yourself to hook up with a chick. Eventually you will want to and as long as you take care of yourself mentally and physically you attract a winner. Just go with the flow. Enjoy your friends . Live in the now..

[richardcruz]

It's good that you are taking measures to better yourself but you said you're doing it so she can see a different more healthier and attractive you someday. This is not the right reason to do it.

 

Just. Thanks for commenting on my post. My reason in making myself look different is really an attempt to regain my self esteem although I feel I cant improve it no matter how hard I try. In the event that I do run into her, I want to look like a different person, not so she'll want me back or so she'l see what she lost, rather i want to look like a different person so she won't have the satisfaction of immediately relating the person that she sees with the person that she months ago would hang up on and left standing alone crying and begging. I don't want to give her that satisfaction. I know technically (and most obviously) that I am the same person. I'm just really ashamed of how bad I allowed myself to be treated. I feel horrrible that I let myself believe all that she told me and that I did so much for her only for her to discard me like a nobody. I hope that makes sense. Like I had mentioned before, I just want to "disassociate" myself from the person that she knew, and ultimately hurt.

 

Rep: I've been really trying to tell myself that this doesn't reflect on me. But I just think to myself that had I walked away with more dignity maybe this wouldn't have been so bad. Maybe I wouldn't feel so low. Maybe I should have not given so much and opened up so much to the point where i left myself vulnerable. Somehow I still have feelings for her but I really wish I didn't anymore. I wish all those painful memories would fade away now. I've even briefly considered hypnotherapy. It crossed my mind but I never pursued it.

 

nopain: patience is the hardest thing that I am struggling with. I think to myself that she has probably moved on by now and I'm still completely hurt by everything. She is totally out of my life so I shouldn't care at all what she is doing but it still makes me think that I'm abnormal for feeling this way for this long.

[northstar1]

Just. Thanks for commenting on my post. My reason in making myself look different is really an attempt to regain my self esteem although I feel I cant improve it no matter how hard I try. In the event that I do run into her, I want to look like a different person, not so she'll want me back or so she'l see what she lost, rather i want to look like a different person so she won't have the satisfaction of immediately relating the person that she sees with the person that she months ago would hang up on and left standing alone crying and begging. I don't want to give her that satisfaction. I know technically (and most obviously) that I am the same person. I'm just really ashamed of how bad I allowed myself to be treated. I feel horrrible that I let myself believe all that she told me and that I did so much for her only for her to discard me like a nobody. I hope that makes sense. Like I had mentioned before, I just want to "disassociate" myself from the person that she knew, and ultimately hurt.

 

Rep: I've been really trying to tell myself that this doesn't reflect on me. But I just think to myself that had I walked away with more dignity maybe this wouldn't have been so bad. Maybe I wouldn't feel so low. Maybe I should have not given so much and opened up so much to the point where i left myself vulnerable. Somehow I still have feelings for her but I really wish I didn't anymore. I wish all those painful memories would fade away now. I've even briefly considered hypnotherapy. It crossed my mind but I never pursued it.

 

nopain: patience is the hardest thing that I am struggling with. I think to myself that she has probably moved on by now and I'm still completely hurt by everything. She is totally out of my life so I shouldn't care at all what she is doing but it still makes me think that I'm abnormal for feeling this way for this long.

 

I feel you man. It really is best to act with the belief that she has moved on. As much as it hurts, it's really the only way to get on with your life.

Its really easy to drive yourself mental thinking "Does she miss me? Does she think of me? IS she not contacting me because I'm not contacting her?". Best to just assume she's is doing her own thing, is over it and life goes on for both of you.

 

And yes, patience is a bitch. Hours seem like days, days like weeks. The clock seems to stand still, and you keep hoping you'll hear from them.

 

Best thing is realize you were a person with a life before her, and you will be after her and keep busy!

[critter909]

Hey buddy, hang in there! I don't know anything about hypnotherapy but I am seeing a counselor to help me deal with my break-up. It's just someone to talk to about my thoughts on the relationship and what is going on with me, god knows my friends are sick of hearing about it. I think it has helped me see things from a different perspective and has improved my outlook on my life. So I think maybe something like that can help you. Making yourself physically more attractive is of course good but you yourself notice that things are not really improving on the inside. You sound depressed, I think you may really benefit from talking to a psychologist, you can at least try once or twice and see if you think it will be worth while.

[ibitealil]

So my ex-gf of a year and a half dumped my about six months ago. She broke up with me because she said she never really l_ved me and that I didnt "sweep her off her feet" even though I had

 

....

Hi,

 

I kind of have the same problem like you do. But may be even worse. I broke up with this guy for many different reasons this fall and was here writing in forums at that time. I had a very hard time coping with it because i was in love with him and he wasnt (eventhough i was the one who broke up with him:-( He met another girl only after a month since we broke up and he was doing so much better than me while i was struggling like a turtle stuck in one place.For six months i lost my interest for everything....time passed and a lot of things happened and i dated more than one guys and on April i met this guy who fell head over heels in love with me. I feel much better right now than before, I am doing an internship in a very cool place and we are planning to move in with my bf when i come back after the internship. But deep inside i still have this strange feeling in my stomack when i think of my ex. I constantly planning my life based on assumption that i meet him one day and he sees me and regrets for losing me. I even want to move to the city that he lives now just because i want to prove him that i can do as good as him. I constantly feel like i want him to feel bad or worse than i felt then and i want to rub in his face saying here you are, nobody humiliates me that way because i am so much better than you. i dont tell that to anyone because it embarrases me. This is so stupid and when i look at my ex's pic hes not even that attractive and i dont want him back at all but i just want a revenge. What the hell is wrong with me???

[quankanne]

It all feels so impossible and I feel like just giving up. I just don't see how I'll ever meet someone that I feel the same like I did with my ex.

 

sounds like you're still grieving the loss of this particular relationship. Exercise and better diet are a step in the right direction, but forget about the steroids (come to Texas, papí … I have some spare pounds I can share )

 

instead, talk to your doctor, and look into some low-dosage anti-depressants to help get your blood chemistry in whack. You don't need to be on them forever, just long enough to get things physiologically back to where they need to be, you know?

 

now for the big suggestion: Take up a new craft or hobby or pursuit to get your mind thinking in other directions than your pain. Is there something you always wanted to do, but never had the time or the opportunity? Like learning to play guitar, cook classic French food, play with business sponsored ball team? There are thousands of neat things you can do to develop YOU, ya just need to take a look at what might interest you. Changing your regular habits can help bring your spirits up because you're now doing something you like, you know?

[quankanne]

something else to ponder:

 

it hurts losing this girl because you poured your heart into the relationship. But don't let her take that away from you. Instead look at it as an exercise in love.

 

she might not have appreciated what you gave of yourself, but even that's okay: Nothing will ever take away the knowledge, the surety that you are capable of loving someone the way you have. And when the time is right, you're going to share that with someone else who will treasure your special gift of self :love:

 

… I think that every love relationship we experience, whether it "works out" or not brings us that much closer to the one we're ultimately meant to have. That those relationships are an exercise of what your heart is capable of giving, more than what it has lost …

[CHANTRESS]

Hi RC.... I can sort of understand why you feel the way you do.

Wanting to change yourself completely.You want to get outside of your skin...

and somehow become someone else. It's terrible that ONE person in a world

of millions can make you feel that way...but it happens.

 

Despite all this..you seem to have your head on straight. You understand WHY

you feel this way...and that's half the battle. The question is how long will you feel this way?? The answer is, as long as you allow her to dominate your thoughts, and the way you view yourself. One woman's opinions of you, or lack of feeling does not

in ANY way equate YOUR worth. That is where she still holds power over you, and I think you are struggling with getting that power back. That somehow if she sees you, and how much you have transformed your physique, that she will no longer be able to say "there's the man I left crying over me". But you WILL be the same guy....only in better shape.

This is an ego thing. Your ego is still entangled in HER opinion of you. Sometimes you just have to lose..if that makes sense.

 

Anyway...you should be proud of what you HAVE accomplished. For YOU.

[richardcruz]

One woman's opinions of you, or lack of feeling does not

in ANY way equate YOUR worth.

Thanks for this piece of advice. I have entered it into my drafts folder on my cellphone so when I'm out and I feel down, I can look at it and read. So true. So why is it so hard it get to through my head? This whole ordeal really worked a number on my self esteem and even with my physical advancements, I still feel undesirable..

 

Quankanne

Its weird but even despite my failed relationships, I would still want to meet someone and fall for each other. However now the whole idea has become somewhat mythical in the sense that I know that the person is out there for me somewhere but one day I will meet this woman. Its almost like having faith in something spiritual where you believe even though you cannot see or feel. Its hard when everyone around me (including all my females friends) seem to just want to screw (sleep) around and have boyfriends at home. I mean its all pretty foul and it kind of skews my view of women in general from my area. I mean here are these girls (and guys alike) that have boyfriends/girlfriends at home and are hooking up with others and these clubs and i'm thinking "okay so this is the same pool that I'm going to be picking from!?" What will keep any of these girls from doing the same to me? It completely frustrates me because here I was being as good of a boyfriend as I could be (faithful respectful etc) and my relationship falls to crap and these other people are screwing around and still have theres in tact. It makes me think "what the hell am I doing wrong." It also makes me feel that its going to take me eons to meet someone worth while. I mean honestly, sometimes I ask myself "Am I the only good guy left (not including you fine people of course) that just wants to meet ONE good person and eventually perhaps build a relationship?" Its pretty sad but I truly feel like the minority in my way of thinking. Maybe its just a Southern Cali thing...i don't now. I just feel so undeserving from the whole way things unfolded for me.

On another note I will be contacting a psychiatrist tomorrow to schedule and appointment. I used to see a therapist at the begin stages of my breakup but I kind of just stopped going. Looks like I still need alot of mental work huh?

 

ibitealil

Your lucky that you have found someone. I wish I could be in your shoes.

[critter909]

Don't feel inadequate because you don't want to sleep around! I don't think it's just a south cali thing, even thought that's where I live too. I have noticed the same thing, many, many people find it acceptable to sleep around. I'm a girl and I don't. I hate it. My best friend does it and I can't stand it, the only way we can still be friends is that we don't talk about it. I've had to tell guys to f off many times at bars and even stores, not for myself, for her!!!! Trust me, there are bettter girls out there, you are talking to one. Don't compromise your beliefs.

[tealeafbud]

It's been 6 months for me too. I can't cope either. I totally suck.............................especially since it was all me.

 

(sorry for the Y-like post, but it's true. I cannot get over whatever it is I'm trying to get over)

[roghornio]

It's been 6 months for me too. I can't cope either. I totally suck.............................especially since it was all me.

 

(sorry for the Y-like post, but it's true. I cannot get over whatever it is I'm trying to get over)

 

It wil be 6 months in a few days for me. I can cope with all the feelings and what not as its all pretty much gone. but i still have this horrid "lonely" feeling all the time. My life feels in a rut, and i am panicking that it might never change unless i do something drastic, which i have chosen to do. But it's the feeling that this might be the end of my life here where i am, even though i am miserable here - i am about to step out my bubble into the unknown and that scares me. A lot... Its been months since i split up with my ex, a month NC now and 6 weeks since i last saw her (and kissed her - a good way to remember last seeing her i think). Whenever i think about her all i can imagine is her with someone now then none of this would worry me. So I guess it’s self inflicted. It’s horrible though really thinking about her with someone else. This new guy could well be the love of her life, it might not be.. but it could be and that bothers me – still. Sounds ridiculous really cause its non of my business. I just have this horrible thing in my mind where I think there was some cosmic mistake and I took the wrong turn somewhere and the past 8 months weren’t meant to happen. Stuck in an alternative reality I shouldn’t be. I really was expecting some doors to open as through out my twenties I have been very fortunate with fortune and what it has presented me – this year has been the worst of my life I can safely say with no doors opening – so I had to open my own Hence me leaving this town, this country and travelling half way round the world, hopefully kick starting something worth while!

[teejsd2008]

Hi Richard,

 

Thank you for sharing your story, it sounds so familiar and I know what you’re going through. A lot of us here understand and feel your pain as well. The most important thing to realize is that what you’re feeling is completely human. You are grieving a loss of a relationship and it takes time to heal and that shows your ability to care and value people & relationships. I’ve struggled as well, and have done a lot of outside improvements for the same reasons by thinking, “One day, I’ll run into my ex and they’ll see how good and different I look, and this will show them that I can change, so they’ll give me another chance.” When we break down this thought and really ask ourselves if it’s true, we see its quiet irrational and we can never know with certainty if that will happen.

 

Although, working out and healthy self improvement is good, it should be to benefit you. It sounds like you have had some blows to your self-esteem and trouble dealing with negative thoughts as they occur, especially self-image. A lot of times our pain relapses are simply brain chatter, noise, impulses and negative thoughts triggered from memories, reminders, landmarks, and just our own mind wandering into nostalgia and paranoia. When these triggers go off they can fire a negative thought, and it’s how we handle that thought which will affect our mood and well being. One thing, I have found very helpful in improving my ability to control negative thoughts, and building my self-esteem with the help of a counselor/therapist that specializes in loss and relationships and uses cognitive behavioral therapy. They can also recommend medications that help, because our depression can come from a chemical imbalance that has persisted from the loss. Seeing a counselor can also give you a non-biased and objective view of your thoughts and help you get centered. Also, I’m concerned about your suicidal thoughts; don’t end your life over this. Life will go on and you will love again trust me!

 

Yes, going to bars and clubs with the boys seems like it will help, but often these places feel really empty when you’re recovering from a breakup. Every time, I went I would feel let down, I would think maybe, I’ll meet someone who can cheer me up, but I wouldn’t be interested in any of the girls there. Also having sex for the sake recovery is empty and temporary, so you made a smart choice. Cut back on the bar scene, instead do other things with friends, movies, videogames, sports, shopping, watching TV, beach, checking out a new restaurant, concert, events. Also, talk to your friends about what you’re going through and help any friends that are going through the same thing.

 

I thought I was going to die when I lost my ex, every day I struggled to get out of bed, and would just find myself depressed/distraught and fluctuated between self hate and scheming on how I could win her back. Yes, I did the begging, crying and pleading on my hands and knees and poured my heart out, and it fell on deaf ears. One thing I have learned is there is nothing you can do or say to change someone else’s mind, you can influence them, but they ultimately have to make the decision on their own. Keep NC for your sake, you’re not ready to talk, and if she contacts you then you can reevaluate, read some of the threads on that if the time comes.

 

I feel a lot better now and I’m enjoying life. Yes, every now and then I miss her and feel an ache or an impulse to contact her, but I calm myself down, write down or think of the thought and come with a more rational one. It sounds like you’re keeping yourself busy, which is good, but here some suggestions of things that helped me:

 

Reflect the loss:

 

- Set sometime to think/cry and let it all out if you need to

- Write or journal what your feeling

- Write/think about what you didn’t like about ex

- Write/think about what you want in a gf and compare it the list above

- Often we have a distorted and exaggerated reflection of our ex making them seem better than they really are, so try to think of this objectively and take off the rose tinted glasses of nostalgia when you do this.

- It’s ok to be angry at your ex, but not forever, it’s healthy to take your self hate and project onto your ex, but don’t act on it or contact. If you want to say she was bitch say it.

 

Keep NC: Remove triggers.

 

- It’s important for you to move on, so you need time away

- Try to hide/throw away mementos

- Don’t talk to her friends

- Don’t plan on running into her “accidentally”

- Delete phone numbers, emails, and her from facebook/myspace,etc…

- If you feel tempted come on here and let us know there will be plenty of us to talk you out of it

- Let her contact you, and she might not, but that’s ok. If she does be careful, sometimes it’s bait. If she does... Be honest, don’t play the one-up each other game, and keep your guard up, don’t show all your cards right away. Ask questions, what made you want to contact me? What would like to get from this? Yes they will feel lonely and want a fix, sometimes they want to see that you’re still bent out of shape because it makes them feel wanted. sometimes it genuine and they just want to catch up, friendship, and/or to give it another shot. Be realistic and keep your guard up because if you make a mistake you’ll be back to day 1, and be prepared for the communication to feel very awkward.

 

Stay Active:

 

- Working out is a natural anti-depressant so continue to do it and incorporate cardio

- Eat healthy and avoid heavy drinking, get your vitamins in too

- Read about improving relationships, letting go, and also read books/articles that interest you.

- Try a new hobby, go to a part of town you’ve never been to, try a new activities

- Treat yourself right, eat good food, get a massage, watch a comedy show, and have a laugh with friends.

 

Stay Connected:

 

- Talk to close friends that will listen to you when you’re feeling down

- Go to church/temple

- See a counselor/therapist (recommend cognitive behavioral approach)

- Volunteer

- Chat on loveshack

- Get close with your family

 

Stay in the Present

 

- Patience is very important, you will get better with time, just like you have built your body it will take time

- Also it’s an up and down process not just a straight line to recovery, if you have a down day, you will bounce back, keep that in mind.

- Stay in the here and now, look back at the past, but don’t stay there too long, and set goals for the future, don’t try to predict it. Just try to pay attention and focus on what you’re doing right now

 

Read/Watch/Learn about others suffering in the world

 

- “Man’s Search for Meaning” - book

- Wardance – Documentary

- Volunteer at a children’s hospital/homeless shelter

- There is something very humbling and therapeutic about seeing others suffering. You might feel compassion for them and also thankful for what you have, and you’re hurt might not feel as strong when you feel the pain of others who are dieing, starving, have had their parents murdered, etc…

 

Here are some helpful websites:

http://dmlive.com/dawsonsblog.html

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/coping_divorce_relationship_breakup.htm

[motive2002]

Its almost like I see all the girls there and they are all the same to me.

 

It's gonna be like this for a while. Maybe longer than you'd like, but you don't know unless you try to get to know someone else.

It took me 5 years between serious girlfriends. Seems like a long time. For a while I figured it may never happen like that again. I'm getting older. Prospects seem to be getting slimmer all the time. It's hard to find someone you have that "connection" with, but you'll never know if it will happen unless you make it a point to meet new people.

 

Pain of the past is like any other kind of pain. It will eventually subside. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You'll have to just trust me on that one

 

I've been where you are. Some days I still have trouble, but I know I have a future ahead of me, and I don't want to let any new opportunity pass me by. There's a lot that makes life worth living. Don't throw in the towel just because it didn't work out with someone. That's not your fault. It happens. You had a life before the relationship... you will have one after but with more experience under your belt!