What am I doing wrong....does everybody use everybody???!!!

[Tony T]

This happens to me more and more these days.

 

I have a friend in town now who is an actor out of Hollywood. I won't mention his name as he is rather well known. He's in Tampa for two weeks to do some work on a film. He asked me to arrange for some interviews while he was here. I got him some television and radio interviews, two newspaper articles, etc., all for free...no charge to him.

 

Now when he calls he expects me to be there for him right away, as if I am his indentured servant, and if I'm not there or do not call him back promptly he gets pissed.

 

I also have other lady friends for whom I do lots of very nice things, expecting nothing whatsoever in return. The more I do for them, the more they expect and demand. When I confront them about this, they get defensive and imply that's the way it's supposed to be and I'm just not up on the way the world is today.

 

Now, I'm not the smartest man on earth but I am always deeply appreciative of even the very smallest favors people do for me and always reciprocate in kind. I do not grow to expect that people are constantly going to be on stand-by to grant my every whim.

 

So what am I doing wrong? I like to do nice things for people and I hate the idea of stopping because the human race has changed. Are these people I am running into oddities or are they representative of the way people are generally today? I can tell you when people do nice things for me, it practically brings me to tears. I would never, ever think of abusing them.

 

Please understand I don't expect anything in return. What I don't like is that in addition to not appreciating the stuff I do for them, they want more and more and feel I am absolutely obligated to provide it for them.

 

Can anybody tell me what is going on here? Is it wrong to be nice to people? Are these people just bad examples of the current crop of humans? Has the human race gotten this selfish and self centered?

[Stone]

I am very sorry you don't feel appreicated. these people appreicate you I'm sure but probably don't know how to show it. or assume that you already know. Do you ever have to ask them for favors? Do you think they would jump to do you a favor as you do for them?

[moimeme]

What could be wrong is that you may not have a 'radar' for who might be true friends versus people who might just be out to get what they can from people. Users may not be deliberately selfish but nonetheless they're not much fun to be 'friends' with.

 

As for you feeling obliged to provide them with things, you have a strong sense of duty to friends but you need to draw boundaries so that you don't give past where it hurts. You have to curb that instinct to be loyal and dutiful in instances where the past has proven that you will not get a return in kind. It's hard to do, but it is doable.

[midori]

It sounds like your initial nice deeds planted the idea in your friends' minds that they can expect such service as a matter of course from you. They start factoring it into their subsequent plans without ever considering whether or not you'll be able and willing to provide.

 

Just say "Oh, sorry, don't think I can help you this time. I'm busy today/that's not something I do often/yes I got you a discounted ticket to the Superbowl last year but that was a one-time kind of thing.

 

When you feel like being generous, be generous. If someone starts presuming as a result of your generosity, decline to go along with their presumptuousness. If they get nasty with you as a result, chances are the next time you're feeling generous you won't choose them to be the lucky recipient of your largess.

[Tony T]

Many thanks to all of you for your kind replies. It just boggles my mind that instead of appreciating what I do for them, so many people just process my generosity into my owing them a steady flow of whatever. I am personally grateful for every morsel of kindness people bestow upon me and it's extremely difficult for me to understand people who just take what is given and expect more and more. It's so very foreign to me. I was just wondering if this is the way the world is today.

[Dragonflys]

I get the sense people have lost some of the ability to appreciate others for who they really are. I get this a lot where people in my life are there when I am of use to them and completely gone when I am not. This includes, more discreetly, my 'talent' of being a kind ear and confidant.

 

Personally, I perceive a lot of it occurs because many are simply not in touch with their self. They regard their self as comprising of what they have achieved, who they know, and what they have, Nowhere is there a sense of just 'being', meaning knowing thyself as a breathing, loving person that can bring great good into this world by just being kind. They see being kind as a waste of energy because it gives no immediate reward every time, or because of a cynical belief that all the world is in it for themselves. I know for a fact that both is true, some of the world is in it for themselves, and some are purely unselfish, but I consider ALL my acts of kindness as just generating waves into a big pond, waves of good, that even unreciprocated are waves of good. So, quite frankly Tony, I don't sweat whether it gets reciprocated or not, I just feel grateful.

 

But anyway, I do understand your anguish, but I know you better than anybody is able to deal with it, and I certainly have learned much from you and subsequent reading I have done. Maybe we just all need to look at the bigger picture and keep sending out those good waves. Our little protest will be heard even if its not with ears.

 

By the way Tony, this is Oliver, I decided to renew my ID into a more discreet title.

 

Cheers

[Tony T]

DRAGONFLYS WRITES: "So, quite frankly Tony, I don't sweat whether it gets reciprocated or not, I just feel grateful."

 

I never care if my generosity gets reciprocated. I am completely fulfilled and always happy whatever happens. My dilema is in not being able to understand the mentality that does not appreciate the kindnesses of others but rather expects more and better as time moves forward. I'm sorry, I just don't understand. However, your post has some very good points for consideration. I wish either of us had the power to change this aspect of humans. I am personally overwhelmed that people have elected to answer this thread and am very grateful for their time.

 

Glad to know your real identity. Missed seeing you here!!!

[yes]

indeed, it seems most people have no conscience, and just try to get away with as much as they can, unless somebody stops them.

 

i think this is partially the fault of the capitalistic culture... where the self is put above all.

 

either way, human people do exist, it's just a matter of seeking them out!

 

-yes

[Dragonflys]

oh and Tony am I glad to see your true identity!. I should have guessed. I am honoured and humbled.

 

I don't completely understand why people have become so unkind and selfish, but if I had to guess, alot of it may be due to the massive influx of media people have to process every day. I think people minds are too cluttered to be able to introspect, and are filled with messages of beauty, possessions and 'winning' being good via the TV, internet, and radio.

 

I personally don't watch much TV, it takes me away from my personal journey in life and I feel I wasted an evening if I watched a whole load of baloney based on others opinions (documentaries, biographies), fabricated baloney (sitcoms) or fascist baloney (the news). I will admit there are wonderful programs out there for people like me such as on PBS or WLIW, but it commands only a few hours of attention per week from me. Outside of these I may get satisfaction out of a baseball game [which I like to watch occasionally] because its a low noise media that I can follow easily. For news I consult the internet and research questionable facts through google.

 

Without any time to introspect and be in touch with the joys and sorrows of the world through our own selves, I just don';t think people have as great a handle on what kindness is and means to people.

 

Thanks Tony, I will always be around...just look out for the dragonflys.

 

Oliver

[superd]

I understand what you are saying Tony, some people are such a.h.'s.

[cindy0039]

I think that, in general, there are a lot of people who are "givers" and a lot of others who are "takers." The takers seem to have radar for the givers and of course will take advantage whenever they get the chance.

 

For instance, my family seems to have a lot of takers and I am the giver of the family; therefore, it seems that almost all the family dinners, gatherings, parties, etc., always end up at my house with me doing the majority of the work.

 

While I do enjoy it (most of the time), and don't mind giving to others because it gives me pleasure, I can see where you're coming from when it comes to people who just don't seem to appreciate it. Or worse yet, when they come to EXPECT it and get annoyed with you when you don't just offer.

 

But you know what, I'd rather be labeled as a giver than a taker any day! So be proud of the title, Tony.

[Tony T]

CINDY0039 WRITES: "But you know what, I'd rather be labeled as a giver than a taker any day! So be proud of the title, Tony."

 

I don't look for that title. Like yourself, I just seek to feel good about life. However, when my seeking good feelings by being generous brings on the kind of responses I get, I end up feeling pissed instead of happy. I just don't know what the answer is. I supposed I have to take responsibility for creating these using bastards. I just don't understand how civil people can rip the guts out of a giver rather than just being appreciative with what is done for them and leave it at that.

 

Hell, they don't even have to be grateful or appreciative. They don't even have to say "Thank You" and they often don't. I just don't want them expecting more and more...even demanding it. It's just plain sick. It's animal, if you ask me!

[Curt]

Tony,

 

I can appreciate what you're saying.

 

You're probably wondering to yourself, "What is wrong with him/her? Why can't s/he stop "mooching" off of my good deed(s) ?"

 

I believe that there are certain people in this world that merely "drain the well 'till it's dry." They don't think deeply enough to even see the random acts of kindness that people bestow on them for what they really are, kindness. They feel somehow "entitled" to be consistently served the same "meal" of favors, kickbacks, attention and praise.

 

In terms of your friend, I believe that his particular issues may be a result of too much focus on the self. Acting appears to me, to be a trade where one is constantly made aware of his/her own place in a "production." Every move, etc., has to be analyzed for depth and style, etc. etc. After doing this for so long, I believe it can potentially lead one into a "self" frame of reference.

 

If this "I am worthy of praise" mentality gets re-inforced, (and we know that if you're good in Hollywood, people will tend to see you as awe-inspiring, and the world bows to your whims) it could become almost a conditioned response to take advantage. Not even might it be a thought-intensive thing. It is just how you do things by "conditioning." Afterall, if many restauants, the general public, bars, shops, etc. treat you as worthy of all favors, etc., then it just might become so engrained into your mentality that you actually start becoming "self centred" without even thinking. Then, you miss your role in the big production, that being real life.

 

In essence, these people get too busily wrapped up in their own "way of interacting with life" to care about on whose back they were when they grabbed for the brass ring. Nobody just "arrives." All of us come with help in one form or another.

 

The true greats are those whose ethics and moral standards keep them "real", with their feet firmly planted on terra firma.

 

Our response to these people?

 

I suggest that we do as was suggested by a previous poster.

 

(Incidentally, Dr. Wayne Dyer suggests something along these lines also.)

 

I suggest to keep doing random acts of kindness, but do so only to the extent that what started as a positive feeling and positive energy, does not turn into a negative energy and negative feeling within your own soul. Do favors, but with the condition that the recipient will repeat the act, doing something of equal or greater importance for someone else who may be in need.

 

That way, the positive energy stays positive, and becomes self-perpetuating.

 

Peace.

 

Curt

[moimeme]

I believe that his particular issues may be a result of too much focus on the self

 

Curt -

 

I really liked all that you said. I don't think that the problem of 'too much focus on the self' is exclusive to actors, though. And, really, I think the lack of religion is to blame for an increase in selfishness. Unfortunately, religion itself has become problematic these days as right-wing conservatism permeates organizations which should be promoting love. I don't know what's left that has any potential to persuade people to be better to each other.

 

When I was growing up, and certainly in my (Catholic) school, we were taught that we are supposed to be kind to other humans. There is the concept of virtues but that has fallen by the boards.

 

Remember 'A Tale of Two Cities'? IMCO (in my cynical opinion), were you to do a remake of that film, people would think Carton was an idiot for what he did.

[Curt]

Thanks for the comments moimeme. Please rest assured that I do not believe that this kind of behavior is exclusive to just the acting community, or in fact to all actors, either.

 

I merely wish to suggest that this kind of "self focus" (which could permeate any individual's psychological makeup) might lead to unthoughful, self-serving actions.

 

I agree in so many respects with what you have said, and I also believe that the responsibilty to ensure society re-discovers a focus on ethics and moral behavior lies firmly in the hands of moms and dads everywhere.

 

When we consistently show our kids how to walk through life in a moral and ethical fashion, we ensure the betterment of our world.

 

God bless.

 

Curt

[superd]

I have been doing some thinking about this. I think everyone does use everybody else and gets used by everybody else, that is the way of the world. Love is something different and doesn't have much to do with the world usually. The trick I think is not to get abused by the world or not to abuse it.

[ria]

When you give to people they may be appreciative at first, especially if they are not used to receiving that much.

 

However, once you give steadily after a while they come to expect it and may even get annoyed when you don't provide it anymore. You have got them used to that standard.

 

And if you stop giving because suddenly because you have become resentful that they are not appreciative or because they have become demanding, they do not understand the reason why you stopped giving, or why you are suddenly upset about giving and want to stop.

 

Also they will wonder why you gave so much only to become upset. They may feel bad, feel guilty, feel angry that you think they used you for something you freely offered or they may just not care and turn their backs on you.

 

All i can say is people come to expect what someone usually gives. Doesn't matter whether you give a lot or a little. They will come to expect exactly what they are used to receiving from a person and eventually will not think what they are receiving is a big deal or even realize that all the giver needs is some appreciation.