Ruby Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I have been with my boyfriend for going on 2 years. I do love him but we are just not compatible and I know we will not be together forever. I have not seen him since last Thursday (we have spoken on the phone) and I feel like I just want to end it, I feel like I want to be free from the ups and downs. I am so sick of the drama and insecurity and we have different goals and aims. We have alot in common and then we have nothing in common, I am just so confused because I know if we break up I will miss him like crazy. He is such a good person and great with my daughter. Has anyone else felt like this? What did you do? Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I left because you can get what you think you can't get elsewhere. You need stability. It was hard to let go, but a drama-free life is the best life. Instead of extreme highs and lows, you have a steady balance. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 To be honest I am so scared of being without him, even though I would probably be happier after I get over him. I just do not want to be heartbroken Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Since you know this relationship isn't going anywhere, and it's full of drama and confusion, end it now because it's not fair to your daughter for her to continue to bond with him, have him in her life and get more attached to him. Yeah you'll miss him, but I'm sure you'll feel better in the long run without having to deal with the crap. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Noone likes pain, to feel hurt and heartbroken - If it was just you and him, that's a different story - But this involves your child and you need to think about her and help her through it too (which may make it easier on you because you won't be focussing on your pain as much as hers).. It is scary to be alone, but you can do it! You were fine before this guy came into your life, you'll be fine again. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 Here are the pros and cons, maybe this will help you (and me) see the full picture:- Pros he is kind and has never raised his voice to me he has children that he financially supports and has lots of contact with ( I admire that) my family love him my daughter gets on well with him he helps me out when I am in trouble he makes me feel good about my appearance when we have a problem he makes an effort to change if he can he is generous He loves me and I love him (inlove? not so sure) Cons:- He can be moody and childish he is very unreliable (says one thing, does another) We rarely have sex and I do not feel the urge to I am finding him less sexually attractive as he has put on lots of weight He eats to the point of gluttony he smokes cannibis he lets me down time after time I dont feel he is there when I really need him Wowza! Writing that has made me feel sick, I know what I would say if I was reading these lists. Link to post Share on other sites
Virgo1982 Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Noone likes pain, to feel hurt and heartbroken - If it was just you and him, that's a different story - But this involves your child and you need to think about her and help her through it too (which may make it easier on you because you won't be focussing on your pain as much as hers).. It is scary to be alone, but you can do it! You were fine before this guy came into your life, you'll be fine again. I second that. Either way, you're going to be hurt. If you go or stay. So cliche, but it's like a band-aid-just rip it off and it may sting like hell, but you'll be good afterward. Link to post Share on other sites
xpaperxcutx Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Here are the pros and cons, maybe this will help you (and me) see the full picture:- Pros he is kind and has never raised his voice to me he has children that he financially supports and has lots of contact with ( I admire that) my family love him my daughter gets on well with him he helps me out when I am in trouble he makes me feel good about my appearance when we have a problem he makes an effort to change if he can he is generous He loves me and I love him (inlove? not so sure) Cons:- He can be moody and childish he is very unreliable (says one thing, does another) We rarely have sex and I do not feel the urge to I am finding him less sexually attractive as he has put on lots of weight He eats to the point of gluttony he smokes cannibis he lets me down time after time I dont feel he is there when I really need him Wowza! Writing that has made me feel sick, I know what I would say if I was reading these lists. People who smoke marijuana are more prone to mood swings, and they're pretty much unreliable when certain promises comes up. Apparently his cons outweighs his pros, and really at the rate you say he's going, he might die from obesity sooner or later. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I think you know what you need to do... He's unhealthy and unreliable. Not good seeing as you have a child. Link to post Share on other sites
Lovely Disaster Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I think you have no choice but to leave him. You need to get your child away from that pot-smoking loser. Sorry to be harsh but act accordingly. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 Ruby - I think you are more invested than you are in love. I only skimmed your pro/con list but some of those cons are complete disqualifiers on their own. Go forward into the unknown and see what you find. It sounds like you guys have come to the end of your road together. I spent 5 years with the wrong girl, so I know exactly what you mean about being in love but not compatible. It sucks. Link to post Share on other sites
Crestfallen_KH Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I agree, I think it's more of an "investment" than love. But I admit, it's hard for me to comprehend falling in love with someone you aren't compatible with because I've never done it. If I'm not compatible with someone, then it's difficult for me to fall in love. Were you compatible at the beginning of the relationship? My last relationship ended due to incompatibility. When I wrote out the pro/con list, I knew what I had to do. Although I didn't love him, it was very, very hard to end that relationship so I know how hard it will be. But, I do think it's in your's and your child's best interest. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 I agree, I think it's more of an "investment" than love. But I admit, it's hard for me to comprehend falling in love with someone you aren't compatible with because I've never done it. If I'm not compatible with someone, then it's difficult for me to fall in love. Were you compatible at the beginning of the relationship? My last relationship ended due to incompatibility. When I wrote out the pro/con list, I knew what I had to do. Although I didn't love him, it was very, very hard to end that relationship so I know how hard it will be. But, I do think it's in your's and your child's best interest. In the beginning, people tend to play things off, hide their flaws, and be more patient, try harder, and react differently than they might later on. It's the differing reactions to stress and challenges that brings out the the potential incompatibilities. My current GF and I have been moving at lightspeed since the beginning, and so now, 3 months into it, we're facing some real challenges, but we're getting through them. I get so worried sometimes that it might mean we're not meant to be, but ultimately, we somehow work through it and end up stronger than ever before. We'll see what happens... Link to post Share on other sites
silvergirl Posted July 29, 2008 Share Posted July 29, 2008 It will hurt, and you will miss him, but you will enventually get over it, when you do that, believe it or not, that hurts too. You will feel so much freedom, and like a weight has been lifted if you let it go now, instead of putting it off. You should never stay with someone just to be with someone. I've done it, and it turned out horrible. I ended up missing out on a great oppurtunity and guy that came my way, because I was involved in a dead-end relationship that I was scared to let go of. Trust me, it will all get better with time. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted July 29, 2008 Author Share Posted July 29, 2008 I know I need to end it The thing is that I will miss him so much, there is so much that is good about him and I hate the thought of not having him in my life. It is like I want him then I don't. I wish this was easy. I know I would not bring other guys into my daughters life and I can't get out often. I feel I will be alone forever if I end it with him Does anyone know how I feel? Link to post Share on other sites
Ruby Slippers Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I am seriously considering ending my relationship for somewhat similar reasons. I feel that we have some major incompatibilities, and I want something more serious and committed than he does. I'm sick of feeling bad because I'm not getting what I want. It is hard. But I'd rather be alone and happy than in an unsatisfying relationship and unhappy. And I know how to be happy single. You're not going to be alone forever! Think of your other breakups, and what came after them. I think that in general, I have made smarter choices over time. Letting go is never easy, but when you know it's the right decision, good things tend to follow. Link to post Share on other sites
mental_traveller Posted July 30, 2008 Share Posted July 30, 2008 I know I need to end it The thing is that I will miss him so much, there is so much that is good about him and I hate the thought of not having him in my life. It is like I want him then I don't. I wish this was easy. I know I would not bring other guys into my daughters life and I can't get out often. I feel I will be alone forever if I end it with him Does anyone know how I feel? Yup, been there, done that. Believe me, it will be a HUGE relief once you are single again. It might seem daunting, but this is one of those things where you just have to do it. Kinda like jumping off a high diving board - just do it! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I did it! I broke up with him, phew! Link to post Share on other sites
silvergirl Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 Congratulations!! You will feel much better soon. Link to post Share on other sites
Phateless Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 I did it! I broke up with him, phew! Congratulations! It was the right thing to do. Just hang in there, it's gonna get a lot harder really soon. DO NOT CONTACT HIM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ruby Posted August 1, 2008 Author Share Posted August 1, 2008 I am going to miss him, although there is alot I will not miss. I am wondering if I did the right thing ?? Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 1, 2008 Share Posted August 1, 2008 From the moment we start dating as young adults we are constantly making choices and refining our understanding of the qualities we find compatible in a partner. Sometimes we get into relationships which seem highly compatible at the start but later we realise that there are areas where we have very different views and attitudes. If we are unable to resolve those incompatibilities then the relationship often breaks down. Many of us find repeating patterns in our relationships, choosing the same types of people and falling into similar patterns of behaviour which have a certain feeling of safety because they are familiar but then repeatedly resulting in a series of broken relationships. Patterns by their very nature are repeated many times and it takes some of us quite a long time to recognise the patterns that do not work best for us. Setting your dating standards is an idea to help you to think about past patterns and to try to make choices based on that experience in the future. Obviously there are no clear rules or right and wrongs, but if for example in your past, you were attracted to exciting, risk taking people but you later realised had a tendency to gamble and the resulting money worries led to the breakdown of your relationship, then it may be worth actively watching out for this trait and avoiding gamblers in your search for a new partner. In this case you may put tendency to gamble as a quality you want to avoid in a new partner on your list for a future partner. Qualities you want to avoid at all costs should be at the top of your list and in order to avoid repeating the past you will need to stick with those standards, however difficult. Good luck for your future Link to post Share on other sites
Lishy Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 How are you feeling? Link to post Share on other sites
Jake Barnes Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 Im not judging, but it seems that you broke up with him because he put on weight and was geting older Thats perfectly fine, but be honest with yourself about it Link to post Share on other sites
Jake Barnes Posted August 4, 2008 Share Posted August 4, 2008 I think you have no choice but to leave him. You need to get your child away from that pot-smoking loser. Sorry to be harsh but act accordingly.Do you think hes a waste of oxygen and totally useless? Link to post Share on other sites
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