Your views

[babes23]

I got back with my ex just over a year and a half ago now after no contact for 2 years, so kinda gave him a second chance, even though the first time we got together was not so serious but still hurt all the same when we split.

 

Anyway this time around things were different and things were really good with us for the first year or so, he knew how much he had hurt me and said that letting me go in the first place was a big mistake for him.

 

This time around below were the main problems which i felt i was putting all the effort in when he did little in return, a few pin pointers so you can get what i feel was the main factors into ending our relationship:

 

 

* Didn't see each other much, once or twice a week at the most (he as got a job where he works shifts etc but still felt he could've made more effort to see me more)

* Didn't meet his parents/family

* He told me he couldn't afford a holiday then went ahead and booked one with his friends

* We never went away, in a year and a half not even a weekend away

* He often put his friends before me

* When i asked if i was the one he thought he'd end up with his reply was "you never know"

* Think towards the end he used me for sex and he wanted something a little more casual even though he said that wasn't the case.

 

The final straw came when i invited him to a family wedding and he gave me some lame excuse, i bought up all the other problems in our relationship and he said maybe it wasn't working as i seemed to want more. Want more? What wanting to move our relationship by doing the normal things of seeing him more etc. He said it wasn't a good relationship builder for us arguing (only when i wasn't happy hardly seeing him, him not wanting to do things with me, meeting the family etc), but he was the one who didn't want to build anything by not wanting to do anything. Anyway for the past few months we have had niggles and after a few days or so i was the one to always contact him, he said he was giving me chance to calm down which i know looking back he probably didn't care at all about me.

 

He said he loves me, wants me to be happy and he thinks it best for the both of us if we split. Erm, no **** sherlock. It is hurting and upsetting but i couldn't be in something (i refuse to call it a relationship) which was so up and down all the time, it was unfair and selfish and he didn't want it otherwise he would've made a lot more effort. At least i walked away with my dignity and pride intact eh?

 

I said i wasn't going to contact him ever again and his reply was "if that's what you want baby x x", i wished him well and said goodbye, he didn't even have the decency to say bye to me. It's been 9 days and none of us have had contact with one another (apart from him adding me as a friend on his fb account, it was a pending request before we split and i told him to ignore it but he added me a few days ago, i've since removed him from my friend list), i'm doing really well and i'm determined not to contact him.

 

Just wanted to let it all out and any replies will be appreciated. Sorry if it's a bit mumbled xxx

[Chinook]

I think what you had was a basic incompatibility issue. You did want more than he was prepared to give or accept. It does look like he was using you physically as his regular source of sex, but... that's an outsider looking in. Only you can know whether that was really the case. As for how he walked away from you, well... had that done to me too. It hurt. A lot. But since then my theory has been that if he could do that willingly to me without even saying 'bye' then he's welcome to go. I wouldn't bother contacting him again and just try to get through what's happened. Really sorry this happened to you, you'll be okay. It takes time.. but you will.

[babes23]

Thanks for the speedy reply Chinook. He got a new job a few months back and was in training since the start of the year where he met some new friends, these guys are all single, a few years younger than him (he's 25) and he started to spend more time with them.

 

Unsure about the sex part,he said it wasn't just that and our relationship meant a lot more to him but not really sure about that one.

[babes23]

Anyone else?

[beautifullove]

It seems to me that he is trying to make it look like you are the reason for breaking up. But, I think there is more going on in his mind that he is not telling you about. I think he will be back, when what ever he's planning doesn't work out. You have given him more than enough time - his time is up, if you choose.

[babes23]

It seems to me that he is trying to make it look like you are the reason for breaking up. But, I think there is more going on in his mind that he is not telling you about. I think he will be back, when what ever he's planning doesn't work out. You have given him more than enough time - his time is up, if you choose.

 

You're totally right about him trying to make it look like i was the reason for breaking up, i can't get my head around why he would do this though? He's a very laidback person and he finds it hard to "open" up, so wouldn't tell me what he was thinking even if he wanted to. He's confusing, it isn't fair on me either, i won't be taking him back after this. He can't just drop me whenever he feels like it.

[babes23]

Day 11 of no contact today and i'm not sure how i'm feeling, part of me wants to contact him and part of me never wants to hear from him again. he said he loved me at the end, how can you love someone if you're willing to let the relationship go just like that.

 

I'm hurt, confused and most of all angry, i felt as though i was wasting my time on him and for what? I doubt he's at home wallowing, i bet he's carrying on as normal, him not contacting me tells me all i need to know i think....

[babes23]

Anyone? No-one? .

[Billie63]

Hello love. You are in a disbelief stage right now so it is hard for you to see things clearly. You will get through this stage very soon and that is when things get better, they may get worse first and you'll feel sad, but then you will look at this relationship coldly.

 

I think it really is a case of incompatibility. Plus, in my experience, most 25 year old men have a problem committing totally to one girl - they're young and they know there's lots of experiences out there to be had.

 

To help you get though this break up, try to look coldly and clearly at what it is about him that you like? What did he do to make you happy?

 

I came out of a six year live-in relationship 6 weeks ago and my ex said exactly this:

 

He said he loves me, wants me to be happy and he thinks it best for the both of us if we split.

 

What he really meant was, he wasn't happy. They never split up with you for your benefit.

Basically you were pressurising him for more commitment and he wasn't having it. That doesn't make him a bad man, just a young guy who wants some fun. At least he is not stringing you along.

 

I know you're devastated, but believe me, you will get through this and you will meet someone else that you'll be just as crazy about as this one. If not, more so.

[babes23]

Hello Billie, thank you for your reply, greatly appreciated.

 

Your post as made a lot of sense and deep down that's what i think it is too. I do feel as though he as been "stringing" me along a little towards the end as he never really told me how he was feeling and led me on to believe something that wasn't even there, he was the one who was the more persistent one at the start of the relationship.

 

Guess people change though, if that's how he felt then i mustn't have been anything special to him anyway , least now i'm not left wondering and i know the truth.

[Billie63]

I wouldnn't be so hard on yourself. You two have known each other a long time and on his part, I think he does genuinely care for, may even love you - stringing someone along near the end of a relationship is more common than you think - people very rarely just wake up one day and decide to end a long term relationship.

 

They may have months of feeling that something is wrong but aren't brave enough to broach the subject, plus they don't want to hurt their partner. So they do what your boyfriend has done, start behaving in a way that forces your hand - ie, not going to the family wedding, lack of attentiveness.

 

Do you want him back?

[HopeDiesLast]

Babes i think Billie is right. My bf just did the same thing...said he thought we were too different, that he wasnt excited anymore and he wasnt sure what he wanted. so he broke it off after 2 yrs. It hurts alot. but my friend told me this- hes 26 (in my case) and if hes feeling pressured at all to committ long term, hes not going to. its a decision hes gotta make on his own. As hard as it is, let him go, DO NOT CALL HIM (im on day 21 and ready to rip my hair out) and let him do what he's gotta do to be happy for now.

If in the end he realizes how much he misses you, he'll be back. and if he never does...well then better things will come your way. and this had to happen so you could get to the better things!

Now im not saying its easy....it SUCKS. im even going to talk to a therapist to figure out how to get myself through this (we broke up 2 months ago). But stand your ground. you want what you want, and you wont settle for less. Value yourself enough- make him WANT you. You've gotta know he genuinely wants you and will do what it takes to have you. Hes gotta figure out if hes the man for the job without your help.

[babes23]

I wouldnn't be so hard on yourself. You two have known each other a long time and on his part, I think he does genuinely care for, may even love you - stringing someone along near the end of a relationship is more common than you think - people very rarely just wake up one day and decide to end a long term relationship.

 

They may have months of feeling that something is wrong but aren't brave enough to broach the subject, plus they don't want to hurt their partner. So they do what your boyfriend has done, start behaving in a way that forces your hand - ie, not going to the family wedding, lack of attentiveness.

 

Do you want him back?

 

Nope, i would never take back what we had. It wasn't my ideal relationship, a relationship to me is wanting to spend time with the other person, do things together, meet families when the time is right etc and he didn't seem to want any of that.

[babes23]

Babes i think Billie is right. My bf just did the same thing...said he thought we were too different, that he wasnt excited anymore and he wasnt sure what he wanted. so he broke it off after 2 yrs. It hurts alot. but my friend told me this- hes 26 (in my case) and if hes feeling pressured at all to committ long term, hes not going to. its a decision hes gotta make on his own. As hard as it is, let him go, DO NOT CALL HIM (im on day 21 and ready to rip my hair out) and let him do what he's gotta do to be happy for now.

If in the end he realizes how much he misses you, he'll be back. and if he never does...well then better things will come your way. and this had to happen so you could get to the better things!

Now im not saying its easy....it SUCKS. im even going to talk to a therapist to figure out how to get myself through this (we broke up 2 months ago). But stand your ground. you want what you want, and you wont settle for less. Value yourself enough- make him WANT you. You've gotta know he genuinely wants you and will do what it takes to have you. Hes gotta figure out if hes the man for the job without your help.

 

Thanks for your reply hun, no i definitely won't be contacting him. Day 12 for me today, you're doing really, really well, keep it up.

 

I am letting him go, he made his choice, he's the one that can deal with that.

[Billie63]

You've got a good attitude. Now you can focus on you and doing the things you enjoy. You can have fun with friends who actually do want to spend time with you rather than making you feel like second best.

 

I'm sure you will have your moments of loneliness - as I do, but I always say to myself the undeniable truth - the last few months of my relationship were very lonely indeed. And injurious to my mental health!

[babes23]

Same here Billie, towards the end it didn't feel as though i was in a relationship anyway.

[babes23]

Don't want it to seem as though i'm coming across as cold, far from it. I still love him, miss him, want to hear from him etc, but if he couldn't give me even the most simple things in a relationship then probably it was all for the best.

[TrustInYourself]

He sounds like a real pansy.

 

On a side note. All men fear commitment. You should too. Especially if it's committed to him.

[babes23]

More than likely....

[HopeDiesLast]

i need to just keep reading this post over and over and over....so when times of relapse happen (like now) i snap out of it.

[babes23]

i need to just keep reading this post over and over and over....so when times of relapse happen (like now) i snap out of it.

 

What do you mean? What post?

[HopeDiesLast]

I am letting him go, he made his choice, he's the one that can deal with that.

 

THAT post....everytime i let myself feel sad, i start to relapse and think, maybe it would sink in if i call him....and i just need to remember F*** him...he chose this, not he can live with it!

[babes23]

Ah i see, sorry was having a bit of a blonde moment . Yes i totally agree, think that's how i feel now, i've got to that stage where i feel like that, think that just shows how far we've both come to even get in that mindset.

[beautifullove]

I think I am. I still am in disbelief, but as from today, I am moving into strict NC. Anything else is definitely a slow death. I was in NC before, then slipped a little, but I realize that when I do speak to him, he sets me back by talking absolute bs. He's not thinking about me at all. He's moved on, and I think he's headed to the loony bin, as I posted earlier.

 

So girls, let's continue the on this road ahead. Good luck.

[babes23]

Had a relapse, my friend told me she saw him talking to girls so i contacted him. Feel sh*t now and upset , cutting all contact with him once and for all, the sooner he disappears from my life, the better.