When someone posts they have been cheated on by their spouse, why do posters say

[Lovely Disaster]

'expose the affair' to the OM/OW's wife/husband?

Is it just for revenge?

Isn't it really the OM/OW's business to inform them?

Why should you be the one to enforce such pain upon them, just because you have been cheated on?

Chances are they are going to find out anyway, why interfere with the dynamics of someone else's marriage?

It is not this person's fault your spouse cheated on you, leave them out of it and let the OM/OW deal with their own marriage.

[porter218]

It is not this person's fault your spouse cheated on you, leave them out of it and let the OM/OW deal with their own marriage.

Not fully, but they sure did participate.

[Ladyjane14]

'expose the affair' to the OM/OW's wife/husband?

Is it just for revenge?

Isn't it really the OM/OW's business to inform them?

Why should you be the one to enforce such pain upon them, just because you have been cheated on?

Chances are they are going to find out anyway, why interfere with the dynamics of someone else's marriage?

It is not this person's fault your spouse cheated on you, leave them out of it and let the OM/OW deal with their own marriage.

 

"Exposure" can serve a useful purpose when dealing with affairs. Fact is, with an active affair underfoot... it's pretty much impossible to recover a marriage. The affair must end before any real chance at recovery can be considered. Toward that end, "exposure" attacks an affair where it lives... in fantasy-land.

 

Part of the excitement of an illicit love affair is that it's a secret. When the secret is exposed, all the fantasy elements are tarnished by REALITY. Affairs are damaging. They hurt people. And it's not the knowledge of it that's pain-provoking... it's the affair itself.

 

The illicit relationship saps energy from the primary relationship. It allows emotional distancing. It allows problems that might otherwise be solved to go unaddressed. It's not AT ALL a benign relationship that doesn't interfere with the family. Despite whatever secrecy surrounding the affair, it's effects are ALREADY interfering with family life. You might be surprised how many betrayed spouses report being treated REALLY BADLY while their partner's affair was underway. The cheating partner's response to normal stimuli is often incredibly exaggerated.

 

So... the first thing exposure does is to introduce REALITY into the fantasy. It hopefully, wakes a cheating spouse up to the fact that s/he really is HURTING people.

 

The second thing it does is to introduce a new possibility for honesty. It puts everybody's cards up on the table. Once both partners are busted... there's no reason for any more lies. What's more, alot of the anxiety on the part of the cheating spouse can be dealt with. Sometimes, they really do feel like they've crossed the point of no return and can't figure out how to get back.

 

The third thing it does, for betrayed partners who are interested in preserving the marriage... is to introduce a powerful ally in the form of the cheating partner's betrayed spouse. At that point, you've doubled the number of people with a vested interest in keeping the affair from going back underground. It helps to block the return route to the affair.

 

The fourth thing it does, when exposure is utilized with key people in the cheater's life... is to surround them with loved ones who are (hopefully) willing to call "bullsh*t" when they see it. There's a awful lot of rationalizing going on inside someone's head when they start thinking the best way to solve their problems is to commit adultery. "Exposure", believe it or not, can put a support system around the cheater. One that, when exposure is done selectively and for the right reasons, can block the path of 'enabling' rationalizations.

 

The fifth reason... is the "scorch the earth" type of exposure. And yes, this one can be done solely for the purposes of vindication. Because your former partner has lied to all and sundry about you... and the lies have become intolerable. Because you want the person who's responsible for wrecking your life to not walk away unscathed. Which, even though it sounds kind of mean, can weirdly be somewhat beneficial to the psyche of the betrayed partner. There's nothing that feels worse that being victimized... especially if you feel like you just laid down like a doormat and took it. Taking your little 'pound of flesh' can be emotionally empowering... just as long as one doesn't go too far.

 

There's probably more that I haven't added to the list. Hopefully, Owl will swing by and fill in the gaps.

[twice_shy]

'expose the affair' to the OM/OW's wife/husband?

Is it just for revenge?

Isn't it really the OM/OW's business to inform them?

Why should you be the one to enforce such pain upon them, just because you have been cheated on?

Chances are they are going to find out anyway, why interfere with the dynamics of someone else's marriage?

It is not this person's fault your spouse cheated on you, leave them out of it and let the OM/OW deal with their own marriage.

 

Why? Because if there are no real consequences to one's actions, no real lesson will be learned. Other than they can get away with it.

 

Is it for revenge? No, it is to give your spouse a choice in how they will live their lives. Its the decent thing to do.

 

It really isn't the OW/OM's business to inform them. That is unless the MM/MW lied to them about the nature of their marital status. Because if they don't do the right thing and tell the BS, chances are the WS won't.

 

those of us that have been cheated on are saying to bring the knowledge of the affair to the BS because we have been there. I sure as hell would want SOMEONE to tell me that someone is cheating on me. That way I don't have to waste any more of my precious life on that person. Life is too short.

 

Why interfere with the dynamics of someone elses relationship? Isn't that what the OM/OW did by sleeping with their spouse?

 

If someone has the guts to interfere with someone elses marriage by sleeping with their spouse, have the guts to do the right thing and come clean so the BS can decide whether to waste their life with the WS.

[Lovely Disaster]

I'm still not convinced. I really think it isn't your place to expose the affair to the other bs, just because you are one yourself. I think it is a really bitchy thing to do personally and shows you are as low as your spouse who cheated on you.

[Ronni_W]

[why advise to] 'expose the affair' to the OM/OW's wife/husband?

To me, it is ALL about anger and revenge, yes, and also control and manipulation. I see it as an incredibly hostile and selfish act.

IMO, compassion would take into account the other spouse's feelings -- if it is true that "ignorance is bliss", why not leave the other spouse "blissful" for as long as possible?

 

BUT...I suspect the numbers will be many, of people making their case for reacting to their own pain and suffering in a completely inhumane way.

[Lizzie60]

'expose the affair' to the OM/OW's wife/husband?

Is it just for revenge?

Isn't it really the OM/OW's business to inform them?

Why should you be the one to enforce such pain upon them, just because you have been cheated on?

Chances are they are going to find out anyway, why interfere with the dynamics of someone else's marriage?

It is not this person's fault your spouse cheated on you, leave them out of it and let the OM/OW deal with their own marriage.

 

I am totally against the 'kiss and tell' stuff... you didn't want to say anything while the A was in full swing ..but now that it's over.. ha-ha... we'll tell the W...

 

Those are the lowest of the lowest hypocrites....

[Ladyjane14]

Exposure is NOT necessarily about anger, revenge, and bitchiness. There are licensed, practicing, therapists who recommend it as beneficial in many cases.

 

Imagine... if EVERYBODY on the planet made a habit of "scorch the earth" exposure whenever an affair was discovered, and there was utterly NO CHANCE you're dirt wouldn't be revealed if you were caught... how many folks do you think might deal a bit more honestly within their marriages???

[Angel1111]

'expose the affair' to the OM/OW's wife/husband?

Is it just for revenge?

Isn't it really the OM/OW's business to inform them?

Why should you be the one to enforce such pain upon them, just because you have been cheated on?

Chances are they are going to find out anyway, why interfere with the dynamics of someone else's marriage?

It is not this person's fault your spouse cheated on you, leave them out of it and let the OM/OW deal with their own marriage.

 

Because a lot of people are in such high judgement about affairs that they want to lash out in every direction they can. They can't acknowledge that there may be circumstances that they don't know anything about and should just stay out of it.

[Ronni_W]

There are licensed, practicing, therapists who recommend it as beneficial in many cases.

That is very true, LJ. But there are also schools of thought now that do not agree with everything Freud believed and taught. I don't mind questioning others' ideas. As I said, though, I do allow that individuals will decide for themselves (on all matters, not just this one.) IMO, differences of opinion are necessary for growth, regardless of the field of study .

[Ladyjane14]

That is very true, LJ. But there are also schools of thought now that do not agree with everything Freud believed and taught. I don't mind questioning others' ideas. As I said, though, I do allow that individuals will decide for themselves (on all matters, not just this one.) IMO, differences of opinion are necessary for growth, regardless of the field of study .

 

Agreed. You know, in my particular situation... I opted to NOT expose. It wasn't something I felt would be beneficial in that the pros didn't outweigh the cons.

 

Still... that doesn't mean that "exposure" never has merit. In some cases, it can mean the difference between recovery and divorce. Betrayed spouses do eventually 'run out of gas' and become exhausted in the recovery effort. The SOONER an affair is ended, the greater the chances for marital recovery.

[dgiirl]

To be honest, in today's society, I think there are way way WAY too many affairs going on and society just keeps their mouth shuts. Why NOT expose the affair? Why should we protect the ones who are doing the greatest wrong? Why shouldnt we publicly disapprove affairs? By keeping quiet, you are just condoning the behavior. And the more we condone the behavior, the more acceptable to society it will become.

 

If you are unhappy in a marriage or relationship, why not be honest about it and either seek help or get out? It's certainly easy to shift focus by accusing the betrayed partner of being revengeful. But ALL she's doing is telling the truth, something that should have been done by the unfaithful pairs.

[Ronni_W]

Betrayed spouses do eventually 'run out of gas' and become exhausted in the recovery effort. The SOONER an affair is ended, the greater the chances for marital recovery.

Agree 100% with that. In fact, sometimes I do wonder where they find the 'gas' to endure for as long as some do.

My objection, really, is to even the potential ruining of the other (4th) spouse's "blissful ignorance" in an effort to try to salvage one's own marriage/sanity. But here also, I recognize the school of thought that says what I do NOT know CAN hurt me...perhaps obvious, but I disagree with that (too). But honestly, I'm really not THAT disagreeable, in general .

 

I trust/hope that your own situation ended as well as it could have, given the difficult nature of it. Certainly, I do not ever diminish how excruciating it can be. Wishing you the best in the future.

[jcrew]

I'm not an OW or a BS, but I always assumed that they wanted to tell the other BS so that they could work together in gathering whatever evidence they may need for a divorce/custody-battle. I obviously don't think that's necessarily the only reason or that it applies all the time, but I figured that was a large part of it for some cases. If I were ever in that type of situation, that would be my main motivation, at any rate.

[Ladyjane14]

Agree 100% with that. In fact, sometimes I do wonder where they find the 'gas' to endure for as long as some do.

My objection, really, is to even the potential ruining the other (4th) spouse's "blissful ignorance" in an effort to try to salvage one's own marriage/sanity. But here also, I recognize the school of thought that says what I do NOT know CAN hurt me...perhaps obvious, but I disagree with that (too). But honestly, I'm really not THAT disagreeable, in general .

 

You know, I've fallen out in another forum over the idea that it is somehow INCUMBENT upon a betrayed spouse to expose to their counterpart. I do NOT in fact believe we have to be "our brother's keeper" in this. But I think that goes both ways too. It's not incumbent upon us to protect a dirty secret when the truth may benefit us more.

 

A married OM/OW's family is his/her concern. And frankly, if they can't take the heat, they'd do well to stay out of the kitchen, because being found out comes part and parcel with the risks they take. That's just a given.

 

 

I trust/hope that your own situation ended as well as it could have, given the difficult nature of it. Certainly, I do not ever diminish how excruciating it can be. Wishing you the best in the future.

 

Thank you.

I'm pleased to report that we're four years in recovery and married over 25 years in total. Although, I must say... our situation was nothing so dire as many we see here. We're talking EA, not PA, and featuring the full-on male midlife meltdown. In some ways, I was SHOCKED that we made it though, because we had ALOT of water under the bridge by then.

[Angel1111]

To be honest, in today's society, I think there are way way WAY too many affairs going on and society just keeps their mouth shuts.

 

I've heard that affairs are very common in Europe, also, but Europeans say that Americans are extremely uptight about this whole issue. I wonder about this sometimes - is it our upbringing, our egos, higher principles, or what? I don't encourage cheating and I know it hurts like crazy, but I don't think the issue is as black and white as a lot of people think, either. I wonder if we're just unrealistic about our expectations in marriages that will go on for 20, 30, 40 or more years?

[Ronni_W]

I'm pleased to report that we're four years in recovery and married over 25 years in total.

I am pleased to hear! It obviously points to your own strengths, compassion, capacity to forgive all those involved, etc. 25+ years is a nice long marriage, regardless of the bumps along the way...Congrats, and wishing you both many more good years ahead .

 

I also agree with you that it is not one's obligation to protect anyone from the consequences of any of his/her own actions. Specific to OP's questions, if the 4th spouse approached me, I definitely would not lie, make excuses or try to smooth over.

 

 

Good point by jcrew, about gathering evidence for divorce proceedings, though. I'd still want to know for 100% sure that 4th spouse SHARES my goals before I approach with my "news" and agenda. (Of course, in Canada we just have 'no fault' divorce. No evidence needed to get the heck out for any reason at all...just a 12 month separation period, which can be "served" while still living in the same house, too. Well, maybe that's just province of Ontario...but think I heard it's Canada-wide.)

[Ladyjane14]

...I don't think the issue is as black and white as a lot of people think, either. I wonder if we're just unrealistic about our expectations in marriages that will go on for 20, 30, 40 or more years?

 

The expectations are really kind of the key to it as it pertains to success or failure. I've found in my own relationship, and in observing others, that our expectations of love and marriage are too often skewed to the Hollyweird version. We put alot of pressure on our mates to "make" us happy. But all along, happiness and completion come from within. Unfortunately, most of us are young and under-the-influence of heavy-duty infatuation when we marry so we don't know all that until after the fact.

 

If we survive the trials and conflict though, we usually redefine love, and we realize that if we want the comfort and companionship of a lifelong mate, we've got to give as good as we want to get. And that if we don't want a bunch of arbitrary "expectations" piled upon us, it's just not right to pile them on our partner.

 

All that said... it's NOT about shades of gray. Right is right. Wrong is wrong. Our word either means something or it doesn't. And the vow is not... "until something better comes along".

 

None of us will EVER achieve perfect integrity, but still... that's no excuse not to STRIVE for it, is it?

 

 

p.s. to RonniW... thanks for the good wishes.

[dead-dyke]

'Ahem' - LJ & Dgirl, Agree 100%. Live by the gun, die by the gun. Play w/ fire.... get burned. Way to many people thinking it's o.k. to 'step out'. Marriage vows......... used to mean something.

[dgiirl]

I've heard that affairs are very common in Europe, also, but Europeans say that Americans are extremely uptight about this whole issue. I wonder about this sometimes - is it our upbringing, our egos, higher principles, or what? I don't encourage cheating and I know it hurts like crazy, but I don't think the issue is as black and white as a lot of people think, either. I wonder if we're just unrealistic about our expectations in marriages that will go on for 20, 30, 40 or more years?

 

I dont understand the connection between cheating and marriage expectations.

 

Cheating IS black and white. It's wrong. It hurts a LOT of people. It does a lot of damage. And there's no excuse for it. Perhaps expectations of marriage and divorce are not so black and white. Perhaps in today's society, we should evaluate the terms of marriage and how long they should last. Maybe we should have a marriage last every 10 years where you have to renew your vows. Or you have an open marriage. Or whatever else that fancys your boat. But dont get the two issues confused.

 

The first issue surrounds dishonesty and lying and doing things behind the betrayed spouse's back. The betrayed spouse is completely unaware of how the dynamics of their relationship is changing. The later, the betrayed spouse is at least full aware of the changes and has a CHOICE to continue in the relationship or not.